Husband isn't motivated

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Replies

  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,691 Member
    Just keep being supportive is all you can do. My bf recently started lifting to get in better shape and complains consistently about his weight, which makes me feel terrible. I tell him over and over he has to change his eating habits or he won't get results, period. He will go through spurts of healthy eating which are, in my opinion, too restrictive and then can't keep up with it. Which leads back to the issue- you can't force someone else's habits. I just try to offer guidance and help when asked for, and model good behavior. I like to think if and when he is ready, he will join me.
  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,658 Member
    He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.

    Why was this flagged? ^ This is some sound truth.
    Because someone likes to flag my posts. Such is life.

  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,592 Member
    just do your thing and possibly seeing you doing it will motivate him more

    if not well you can't force him and you cant focus on him just focus on yourself

    he will do it if and when he wants too
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
    Yeah, you can't force someone. He will have to decide to do it or not.
    I would talk to him about how you don't have to have the same approach to food or health. I would discuss that if he wants to lose weight he can do it eating foods he likes in appropriate portion sizes that fit his calorie goal... even "junk" food and soda. Don't label food as bad. Healthy means different things to different people. However, you don't want to waste your time, money, etc making food he isn't going to eat so he should be honest and tell you what he wants. Tell him MFP is a great tool no matter what he eats.
    The gym isn't for everyone and isn't the only way to be active. If your dh still wants to exercise maybe he'd prefer to do something else on his own. If he doesn't want to exercise then so be it.

    Don't bring up promises. After this conversation, drop the subject. Do your own thing. Find a different diet/exercise buddy if you need one.
  • JONZ64
    JONZ64 Posts: 1,280 Member
    I would just keep pressing on. My wife refuses to get fit and complains about being out of shape but I just keep doing my thing. There's no guarantee he will go again, but maybe seeing you progress will motivate him, or not, but fitness like any major life change has to be done for ourselves and nobody else. Keep plugging along
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
    The only person you can "control" is you. You can not amp up his motivation. He's telling you quite clearly where he is on the subject by forgetting his lunch and "sneaking" snacks & sodas in his truck. He's not into it. Keep being healthy yourself and be ready to celebrate whatever steps he does decide to take toward healthful living....when/if it happens.
  • SolotoCEO
    SolotoCEO Posts: 293 Member
    He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.

    This! (Can't imagine why someone flagged this.) When it comes to weight loss, exercise, even personal grooming habits - we have to make our own choices in our own time. Keep up your good work - chances are he'll join you in the future.
  • mumblemagic
    mumblemagic Posts: 1,090 Member
    You can't give him the long term desire to do it, and you shouldn't try to force him. If he wants to do it, there may be some days when your encouragement is essential to him succeeding, but if he doesn't want to do it, it will almost always feel like nagging.

    That said....

    When two people make an agreement to do something together, and one of them doesn't keep up their end of the bargain, it can quickly lead to resentment. You made an agreement to do this together, that he is clearly not keeping, but not renegotiating the agreement either. It is definitely not acceptable for him to let you make him a healthy lunch every day if he has no intention of eating it, and he should really be talking to you if he is struggling to stick to your new lifestyle.

    My suggestion would be to speak to him about your concerns, namely that you agreed to do this together but you don't feel he has been as motivated as you lately. Try to find out what the issue is - is he struggling to stick to a very restrictive diet, was he doing it just to make you happy without a desire to actually do it for himself, is now just not the right time for him to be making big changes? Does he want you to help encourage him, rethink the diet or exercise programme with him so that he is better able to manage it?

    Make it clear that it's his choice, but you'd like to know where you stand in terms of whether you should be helping him get motivated or leave him to it, and even if he decides he's not up for it himself, you would still appreciate support and encouragement for yourself.
  • mumblemagic
    mumblemagic Posts: 1,090 Member
    SueInAz wrote: »
    You cannot motivate someone else, they have to want it enough themselves. It doesn't sound like you've been nagging him about it and that's good because for most people it just makes them more resistant. I bet you dollars-to-donuts that he's feeling guilty about it, because he knows he made a promise, but he just isn't motivated enough to make it happen. Nagging will just make it worse.

    Maybe what you need to think about (or sit him down and ask him about) is why he isn't interested. Did he find the plan you're following too restrictive? Was he not allowed to eat the things he likes even if he stayed within his calorie goal? (Eating less calories while still eating "junk food" is better than eating too much of everything if the main goal is to lose weight.) Some people really do better when starting slowly rather than jumping in and eating only healthy food and working out an hour each day. He might be one.

    Perhaps a talk is in order to find out if there's a compromise he'd be happy with. Exercise isn't needed to lose weight. Perhaps he can just eat enough to lose 1 pound per week and you could drop his gym membership? Or he'll eat what he wants but he'll exercise to create a calorie deficit? Only he knows what he finds acceptable and until he's ready to make any sort of commitment he won't make it (you've already seen that he's "sneaking" junk food so you know he will if he wants it).

    This!
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    Thea519 wrote: »
    My husband and I started our weight loss journey together, but he quickly fell off the wagon and doesn't seem to want to get back on. We joined the Y together and I go every afternoon, but for 2 weeks he has "passed" every time I've asked him to go with me. I make both of our lunches every morning, but he's "accidentally" leaving them at home more and more. I'm also seeing junk food wrappers and soda bottles in his truck when I ride with him.

    I know you can't FORCE someone into being motivated, but is there anything I can do to help him WANT to get back on track? I'm fine going it alone, but we made a promise to each other to get healthy and stay healthy together and it would be really nice to have him by my side through this. TIA

    What is your motivation? Is it just to lose weight?

    You two need to find a mutual motivator - some larger goal that requires a level of fitness.

    He may simply not be interested. Don't push as it will likely be perceived as nagging and will make things worse. Let him make his own decision.
  • scottgperry2142
    scottgperry2142 Posts: 9 Member
    I'm the fat husband of the Zumba workout queen. If she has any body fat, you can't tell. She tried and tried to get me to work out and eat better...but I just didn't want to. It eventually got to the point that I was going to divorce her if she kept annoying me with it. Then I got very sick with Viral Meningitis. So I have some motivation to work out and lose weight. I've dropped 34 pounds, work out most days, and switched to a Vegan diet. Feel great, and my wife and I work out together three times a week. Just give him time.
  • PeachyCarol
    PeachyCarol Posts: 8,029 Member
    Just do your thing.

    He's not ready to commit to change yet. When he's ready, he'll do it.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    @strong_curves can you PM me please? Nothing ominous but I can't seem to PM you
  • oddyogi
    oddyogi Posts: 1,816 Member
    Save his lunches that he forgets for the next day for yourself.
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
    Keep losing on your own! My wife gets motivated when the digital scale can't tell us apart. :)
  • Ready2Rock206
    Ready2Rock206 Posts: 9,488 Member
    He's a grown man - you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. Do your thing. Maybe you'll end up being an inspiration to him and he'll find his motivation again.
  • Lasmartchika
    Lasmartchika Posts: 3,440 Member
    Nothing can be done. My love and I began together... then he lost interest... then wanted to start again... and so on and so forth. You do you, that's all that can be done.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,365 Member
    Just keep being supportive is all you can do. My bf recently started lifting to get in better shape and complains consistently about his weight, which makes me feel terrible. I tell him over and over he has to change his eating habits or he won't get results, period. He will go through spurts of healthy eating which are, in my opinion, too restrictive and then can't keep up with it. Which leads back to the issue- you can't force someone else's habits. I just try to offer guidance and help when asked for, and model good behavior. I like to think if and when he is ready, he will join me.

    See the bold above.

    My SO complains roughly five times a day that he is overweight, too fat, etc yet is unwilling to modify his eating. The only thing that altered our meals was his support of my wish to get higher protein and eat "healthier" -- in other words, he'll make the effort for me but not for himself.

    OTOH, his knowledge of nutrition is pretty appalling... just last night he asked me what a calorie was, and how it was different from protein. :s So I'll provide him with information when he asks, but I'm not going to preach or nag. He's an adult and makes his own choices.
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
    About all you can do is this: If he is "forgetting" lunch most of the time, ask him whether you should go on making it for him. It takes time and costs money. You could also say that you've noticed the junk food, and ask him what he finds satisfying about it and whether there's some way you could work that into the lunches you make, while still keeping them healthier. In his book The Diet Fix, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff wisely remarks that you're not going to stick with a new diet that makes you feel deprived. Maybe a small bag of potato chips would make the difference. But it might be something else—if he likes to eat with co-workers who go to a restaurant for lunch, there might not be any way to brown bag it.

    As for the gym, about all you can do is keep offering. Keep it neutral—"Honey, I'm going to the Y. Wanna come?" No nagging or passive aggression.

    I understand your frustration. I think at a certain point, as his wife you are entitled to sit down with him and talk about the promise that you made to get healthy together and how it makes you feel to see that he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously—e.g. you're worried about his health, you want to spend a long happy life together and you're afraid that won't happen, etc. If he responds to that opening, you could ask if he knows why he's not following through; he may not really understand it himself. Maybe he's resisting making a bunch of changes all at once. But that's a conversation that you might want to wait on, unless he has already had a health scare, and you should not do it immediately after he "forgets" lunch or says no to the gym again; it has to come up when you're not frustrated with him.
  • theawill519
    theawill519 Posts: 242 Member
    To all who said to have one conversation about it with him and then drop it, I think you're right. If he wants motivation, I'll give him a chance to tell me that. If not, I'll drop it and keep doing my thing!

    @CSARdiver - We both really want to have a kid and be healthy for when we do. Also, we're both pretty overweight. I'm 5'10" and 280 lbs and he's 6'4" and 325 lbs.

    @scottgperry2142 - That's so funny... I'm a "Zumba workout queen" as well, lol.

    @oddyogi - I definitely eat his forgotten lunches- silver lining is that some nights, I don't have to make lunches, at all :)