Have you ever cheated
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MireyGal76 wrote: »finny11122 wrote: »A bit of innocent flirting and playful banter is not cheating.
There is nothing wrong with complementing someone on how good they look or how sexy they are. Its nice to be nice and have abit of playful fun.
That phrase emotional cheating is pretty stupid to say the least.
Actually, having cheated physically, I don't agree with you. Why? Because it started out as an emotional connection. I couldn't connect with my husband, lord knows I tried. I'm sure he did too. But I began to feel appreciated emotionally (mentally and intellectually too) by a male co-worker. And started becoming very aware of what I was missing in my marriage. I became very emotionally connected to this guy... (as a friend at first, no hidden motives)... and then it started to turn into physical attraction. There's a long story in there that bears no use repeating, but in the end, I chose to give into the physical attraction and then chose to end my marriage.
Fast forward some time, finding myself single again, I became friends with someone new. That friendship, turned into an emotional connection, and turned into passionate love. I have everything I need and could possibly want now, and no one else catches my attention. But I have also decided that never again will I connect emotionally with a man other than the love of my life, the man I am committed to.
Emotional cheating can be very dangerous to a seemingly healthy relationship. As soon as someone outside your relationship becomes an integral part of your adult life, as soon as they start fulfilling a core need, you open yourself up to wanting more, to increasing distance between you and your spouse/loved one, and to closing the gap with someone else.
At least... that's my experience.
Wow0 -
No, but I've been cheated on by my son's father. Took me a year to emotionally recover from that. Luckily my son is only 2 so he won't remember what his dad did.
I don't understand cheating. If I think I'm going to cheat on someone, I won't agree to be in a monogamous relationship with them.0 -
nachos_n_beer wrote: »so - cheating is if your SO doesnt know that your messing around.
umm - messing around doesnt hurt the relationship, the relationship is damaged when the discovery of the affair comes to light.
kinda like the fall doesnt hurt you, the sudden stop is what'll kill you
so, what they dont know wont hurt them - can this be applied to this situation?
Do you honestly think a person really behaves the same way when they are being decietful?
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CJisinShape wrote: »nachos_n_beer wrote: »leonsinned wrote: »
LOL.nachos_n_beer wrote: »sounds like bollshaz to me
I wish I was that sure of anything in my life.
I'll have to respectfully disagree with you, nachos_n_beer
i appreciate that - just that the comment left room for a lot of moving parts, and although it was thought out, it had both of the issues contained in one comment with no room for movement.
mind if i take a right turn on this thread?
at what point in history did we relegate sex to monogamous relationships? who is the author of this arrangement and why, oh why is it relevant in an enlightened society?
Human sexuality is incredibly powerful to society. Some societies have tried out different arrangements with sexuality and we now realize that, like a powerful horse, it has to be bridled to be at its most glorious. Sexuality, unbridled, is like a construction worker turning on a jackhammer and letting it go.
How many episodes of Maury do we need to see before we realize unbridled sexuality is destructive to families and society?
Great post as usual CJ.
And just as an aside, when people need a confidante or counsel from someone they would consider wise and trustworthy, would they gravitate towards an individual with a sexually promiscuous character or someone who shows self control and restraint in their sexual conduct?
I think the answer is obvious.
Thank you, that was very kind of you to say.
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nachos_n_beer wrote: »so - cheating is if your SO doesnt know that your messing around.
umm - messing around doesnt hurt the relationship, the relationship is damaged when the discovery of the affair comes to light.
kinda like the fall doesnt hurt you, the sudden stop is what'll kill you
so, what they dont know wont hurt them - can this be applied to this situation?
How can there be so much wrong in so few statements?
Cheating is subversive behavior. If you are in an open relationship and all parties know that the relationship is not exclusive, then it's not cheating. Many couples do that. (Not for me)
Messing around DOES hurt the relationship, if the expectation of the relationship is honesty, integrity, faithfulness. Regardless of whether they find out or not. (And I can say, that usually... they know. They may never be able to prove it, but they KNOW).
The fall may not hurt you, no - but it does separate you from the top of what you fell from. So if your goal is to be in a solid relationship with the roof, then don't play on the edge, and certainly don't jump off and expect to still have two feet on the roof.
What they don't know DOES hurt them. It damages the connection you had with them. If that connection is meaningless to you, but meaningful to them - then yes - it does hurt them. At least own that much.
Whether you get away with it or not, depends on how good a liar you are. Not something I'd necessarily be proud of.0 -
nachos_n_beer wrote: »dont you think the excitement of keeping the affair in the dark is part of the enticement?
dont you think that there is more to an affair than the physical release?
yes, quite likely
and yes, also quite likely.
For some, affairs are for excitement and physical release
for some, affairs are the result of finding something you felt was missing, but being afraid to step out and take it
for some, affairs are the start of an amazing relationship
for some, the relationship ends once everything is brought to light
it's a huge risk to take, to have an affair. And trust, once broken is very hard to regain. both yours, and your trust of others, which is why many times the relationship borne out of the affair ends.
"you cheated on him with me, are you cheating on me now?"
It takes something pretty freaking spectacular to overcome the stain of an affair.0 -
MireyGal76 wrote: »nachos_n_beer wrote: »MireyGal76 wrote: »nachos_n_beer wrote: »leonsinned wrote: »
LOL.nachos_n_beer wrote: »sounds like bollshaz to me
I wish I was that sure of anything in my life.
I'll have to respectfully disagree with you, nachos_n_beer
i appreciate that - just that the comment left room for a lot of moving parts, and although it was thought out, it had both of the issues contained in one comment with no room for movement.
mind if i take a right turn on this thread?
at what point in history did we relegate sex to monogamous relationships? who is the author of this arrangement and why, oh why is it relevant in an enlightened society?
perhaps we should fist define "elightened"
lets start with a society that is not under the yoke of the catholic (or other similarly abusive) church -
In many cases, religion or not, there are examples both of monogamous and polygamous relationships. (I know of a number of religious people who have had affairs, and I know many non-religious committed couples).
If you are in a relationship with someone who is ok with the idea of polygamy, then it isn't cheating, is it? In that case, your dual "enlightenment" is mutually satisfactory and you both have an open relationship.
If you start to hide other relationships from the person who *thinks* they're your significant other - then something is wrong. period. It's not enlightenment - it's deception.
It's not about religion, the existence or lack thereof. It's about respecting others. And I would hope, that in an enlightened society such as the one in which we live, that respect would be important.
TLDR:
If you are with someone who expects you to be their ONLY, then be their ONLY. If you are with someone who is ok with sharing, then have at it.
I totally agree.0 -
Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed0
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leut_underpants wrote: »asianfashionista86 wrote: »Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed
Many times they are discussed, but not resolved. Marriage is a significant amount of work to stay together, because some things, sometimes even things that matter a whole lot...there's no resolution for them. Choosing to stay together anyway, and love each other in spite of the problems and differences and unmet needs...that's the hard work. The hard work isn't discussing and talking and communicating, most couples that love each other can manage that much. It's when there's not a satisfactory answer that the real work comes.
I have mad respect for you0 -
leut_underpants wrote: »asianfashionista86 wrote: »Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed
Many times they are discussed, but not resolved. Marriage is a significant amount of work to stay together, because some things, sometimes even things that matter a whole lot...there's no resolution for them. Choosing to stay together anyway, and love each other in spite of the problems and differences and unmet needs...that's the hard work. The hard work isn't discussing and talking and communicating, most couples that love each other can manage that much. It's when there's not a satisfactory answer that the real work comes.
I understand oh wise one 20 years of marriage bestowed on a singleton like myself I bow down. Give me more wisdom I seek to be your successor give me your blessings0 -
I've kissed someone else with a few (two) casual boyfriends, but not with my husband.0
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:laugh:leut_underpants wrote: »MireyGal76 wrote: »leut_underpants wrote: »asianfashionista86 wrote: »Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed
Many times they are discussed, but not resolved. Marriage is a significant amount of work to stay together, because some things, sometimes even things that matter a whole lot...there's no resolution for them. Choosing to stay together anyway, and love each other in spite of the problems and differences and unmet needs...that's the hard work. The hard work isn't discussing and talking and communicating, most couples that love each other can manage that much. It's when there's not a satisfactory answer that the real work comes.
I have mad respect for you
Don't worry, I won't tell nobody...
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asianfashionista86 wrote: »Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed
The underlying issue is the constant temptation being bombarded at us.
It is a romantic soul that thinks two people who truly love each other will not be tempted. That "in love" obsession feeling doesn't last - it gives way to a more settled, comfortable love that can face the daily grind (in-love obsession will not lend itself to productivity in other areas of life by its obsessive nature).
I think the brave woman who confessed earlier may have once believed she was above cheating, or that her marriage needed to be in a terrible state if she were to cheat. But by her admission, it was the affair that highlighted her discontent with the marriage. She was missing something, probably the new relationship smell, I hope you get the analogy.
And that heady relationship, for whatever reason, also didn't last. And now, she is in love again. When that in-love feeling goes away, the test of her committment begins anew. She has introspected enough to see her pattern, and planned her defense to fend off temptation, and put a warning sign up for others not to walk down that road of flirting with temptation.
No person or couple is immune, no matter how in love you are.
A quote from Corinthians:
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
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I have dated more than one person at the same time, but have never cheated on someone with whom I was in a serious relationship.
On the other hand, I was the "other woman" for a cheating husband. I didn't know he was married at the time, although I eventually became suspicious, and ended the relationship (and my suspicions were later confirmed ).0 -
leut_underpants wrote: »I like the KJV way better on that one.
I agree.0 -
What is the bible?0
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leut_underpants wrote: »asianfashionista86 wrote: »Cheating is more about the ego because in a sense the people that are being cheated on feel that they didn't satisfy their partner correctly whether it be emotionally or physically. It takes two to make a relationship work if one strays there's got to be a reason for that. Does the reason make it right? Nope but there's underlying issues that aren't being discussed
Many times they are discussed, but not resolved. Marriage is a significant amount of work to stay together, because some things, sometimes even things that matter a whole lot...there's no resolution for them. Choosing to stay together anyway, and love each other in spite of the problems and differences and unmet needs...that's the hard work. The hard work isn't discussing and talking and communicating, most couples that love each other can manage that much. It's when there's not a satisfactory answer that the real work comes.
What he said.0
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