Ultimatum weight loss.

labgirl26
labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
edited November 23 in Getting Started
I am trying to save my marriage. I have 85 lbs to lose, I pretty much need to lose it or lose my husband. I have been overweight for 15 years of our 25 year marriage and he of course looks great. He was in the military and always worked out and stayed fit, even when deployed several times. I stayed home, worried, raised the kids and ate. Now he is telling me that it's an obstacle to our relationship, that he loves me but.....I am heartbroken but determined. Who knows. Maybe when I am done, I'll look too good for him.
«134

Replies

  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    Well this just breaks my heart. Your physical body is not all there is to you, and wasn't all this time. If he loves you, he needs to be by your side and work with you, not give you ultimatums. It will take you a long time to lose 85 pounds, and you both need to work through this whole thing together.
  • Galonamission81
    Galonamission81 Posts: 62 Member
    Oh boy. Hugs to you.
  • Damien_Scott
    Damien_Scott Posts: 108 Member
    edited August 2015
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.
  • macgurlnet
    macgurlnet Posts: 1,946 Member
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.

    +1 for this.

    I'm so sorry he's putting you in this position.

    *hugs*

    ~Lyssa
  • bunsen_honeydew
    bunsen_honeydew Posts: 230 Member
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both.

    Yup.
  • mistycornett5
    mistycornett5 Posts: 5 Member
    You should lose the weight for YOU, your health and your children.
  • ejb06070
    ejb06070 Posts: 261 Member
    So my mom also married an *kitten* (no offense) and he's always telling her how fat she is. It's not healthy for either of them. He'll turn on cooking shows just to comment on how fat the females who are making the food are (like Rachael Ray... "she'd be gorgeous if she only lost 50 pounds"). She's 61, he's 70, and they've been married for 36 years.

    I say if you want to lose the weight, do it for you. If you don't want to lose the husband, get couples counseling. If you still want to lose the weight for him, talk to him about it. Remind him that the weight didn't go on overnight and it's not going to come off that quickly either. Not to add insult to injury, but at your age, I've seen many people say that they struggle to lose 20 pounds a year, despite accurate measuring/weighing, healthy eating, exercise, etc. Have a serious conversation with him and tell him that if it takes you five years to lose the weight, is he willing to be patient with you?, and if not, it's time to assess the situation. The ultimatum may very well be out of love and concern for your health, but it sound like he needs more help than you do.
  • Ready2Rock206
    Ready2Rock206 Posts: 9,487 Member
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
    someone gave me an ultimatum like that, I'll tell them to GTFO. He's already checked out of this relationship. Get out while you can.
  • labgirl26
    labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
    Thank you all for your support. I will do it for me. The situation is worse than you all can imagine but i won't be a debbie downer with details. I am going to try counseling, not too optimistic. He's "always right". And you are right ejb6070, I am 56 and it is harder and harder, but I lost 22 lbs since Dec (not on fitness pal actively then) just by cutting out sugar and sugar substitutes and I have kept it off so I know I can do it. I want to get off diabetes and cholesterol meds and I want to wear better clothes. FP is great for support, I really appreciate all of you. <3
  • PaulaWallaDingDong
    PaulaWallaDingDong Posts: 4,641 Member
    Much love to you for what you're going through. Whatever happens, you have people. ;)
  • CarrieA180
    CarrieA180 Posts: 903 Member
    Losing weight is hard enough. I can't imagine the pressure you are going through. <3
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Hugs :)
  • shootergirlnc
    shootergirlnc Posts: 50 Member
    Oh, hugs!
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    I'm so sorry. Sounds like an awful situation for you
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,195 Member
    Ready2Rock206 wrote: »
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3

    This!

    He's just making an excuse/putting the blame on you/using this as an easy out.

    So sorry that you are faced with this.
  • z304
    z304 Posts: 84 Member
    You deserve a partner who supports you in positive ways and it doesn't sound like that's happening. It's awesome you're trying to be healthier through this though- do right by you & your body!

    & congrats on your weight loss so far!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • HippySkoppy
    HippySkoppy Posts: 725 Member
    What an awful way to be spoken and treated by someone who supposedly loves you.

    This pressure is really falling into the category of emotional abuse and like others have said do this for yourself not for him nor anyone else - it's your life and your health that is of paramount importance.

    I do wonder what he would do if the boot were on the other foot - life can throw us many curve balls. Health is never a given and accidents happen - What would his expectations be then. You are a human being that is so much more than a number on the scale and a size in your jeans. Don't let him drag you down.

    I would really entreat you to get counselling, even if he won't go; do it for yourself....empower yourself and maybe there will be other options that emerge.....maybe you will choose to let him go, particularly since you have alluded to this comment being the tip of a terribly negative iceberg - A toxic marriage is no marriage at all it's a prison.

    I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself, make sure you eat well and keep up with sleep (if you can due to stress and worry), maybe get out and exercise.....long walks are great ways to de-stress and clear your mind.
  • socioseguro
    socioseguro Posts: 1,679 Member
    Big Hug for you.
    Focus on your children. Lose weight for them and for yourself. You are worthy and deserve to be healthy.
    Unfortunately, the older we become, the longer it takes to lose weight. Please manage your expectations. Slow and steady wins the race.
    God bless you
  • blueboxgeek
    blueboxgeek Posts: 574 Member
    To me, a hubby who loves you should love and adore you at any weight. If you don't want to lose weight then he should accept that. If you do want to lose weight then he should support you and give you help, not ultimatums.

    He may just not find your current body shape attractive, that's fair enough. We all like and dislike certain things. But he's your husband and I personally think that giving an ultimatum about losing weight or your marriage.... is just awful. (((hugs)))
  • FatMoojor
    FatMoojor Posts: 483 Member
    The obstacle in your relationship is a highly ungrateful husband who doesn't appear to understand the work that you must have put in to bringing up a family while he was in the army.
    Lose weight for yourself and ditch him.
  • sheermomentum
    sheermomentum Posts: 827 Member
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.

    Excellent summary.
  • meemaw423
    meemaw423 Posts: 119 Member
    Honey if that man loves you he's going to love everything about you. One thing I have learned is those of us who are obese normally don't love ourselves. So your first goal is to learn to love yourself because if you don't love yourself enough to care about your own health then it would be hard for anyone else!
  • ejb06070
    ejb06070 Posts: 261 Member
    billieljaime wrote: »
    you could lose more than 85 lbs in less than a day and be better off for it....hows that ultimatum?

    Haha, that took me a minute, but it's definitely true

  • djc0821
    djc0821 Posts: 12 Member
    Once you are out from under the daily pressure of a bad marriage, you may find it easier to lose the weight. As others have said, get counseling for yourself. When he says, "I love you, but..." that "but" negates everything ahead of it. He doesn't sound like a loving, supportive, appreciative person to me. Counseling will help you decide if you are better off with him or without him. Hugs!
  • TuffChixRule
    TuffChixRule Posts: 190 Member
    If he loved you he wouldn't be issuing an ultimatum (order) like you are one of his subordinates. Lose the weight for yourself. I know I'm just rehashing what the other posters have said but I have a bit more understanding in this, as I was married to a military man for 13 years. Please note that I said WAS. They have been following and issuing orders for so long that they don't know how to relate to non-military and it's especially hard on spouses and children. Feel free to send me a message or a friend request and (((HUGS))) to you.
  • Patttience
    Patttience Posts: 975 Member
    Well I say take it as an opportunity. Lose it now. You may not want him by the time you've lost the weight but lose it anyway.

    But make it a positive experience. If you get depressed, you will fail. Depression and weight loss don't work. I also suggest you consider some counselling. Stress and pressure and weight loss don't work so well either.

    Establish a good doable plan and stick with it. If you can't stick with it or struggle, your plan is no good. To me the best way to lose weight is to work out a healthy way of eating that you can live with for the rest of your life. If you have been eating unhealthy for all your life you may not know what healthy is and it may take some time to work out. But essentially if its a type of food you can't stop eating, then its probably unhealthy. If its food that does not satisfy you, then its probably unhealthy. If its food you can't stop thinking about when you are not around it, its probably unhealthy. Learn to live without all the junk and embrace fruit and vegetables and other healthy foods.
  • ptsmiles
    ptsmiles Posts: 511 Member
    I am so sorry that this is happening. He should love you no matter your size. You stood by his side and took care of the house and kids while he was away. :(
  • michaelafoor916
    michaelafoor916 Posts: 710 Member
    wow this is hard to read... any man who says that to you is no man that truly loves you. I can't tell you what to do because I don't know you or him or your lives, but if a man EVER said that to me, I'd tell him to get his *kitten* out of my house and .... xoef8l37h09h.png
This discussion has been closed.

Categories