IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME PART 2- WITH DISCLAIMER

HA!! HAHA of **** it...if you knew me or hell even seen me right now you would know that I am laying in a hospital bed as we speak because my sister married a horrible pos who got drunk and beat the **** out of me...and you would know that I have tried with everything I have in me to be a strong woman and hold on to the idea pf VIRGINITY after being raped...and now a third time!?! No if you knew me then you would know that I am so angry and tired of this life and this pain....

If you knew me...you wouldn't even recognize me right now...so all these horrible things that have happened to you all and myself...I'm sorry...but I just cannot be strong anymore....I just cant....and for those of you who are going to pm me saying "how could you post so soon...or I am trying to get attention"go f-u-c-k yourself...this is the only family I have!

Well after this event, i think you have the right to be angry. I say, let it all out.

I really want to post..but I'm afraid my husband will come in....I'll do it...soon. There is so much I'd like to let out.

If you really knew me...... you'd know that every time someone ask me "you only have one child dont you want more"? that i say nawwww one is fine but really when im alone i look at my key chain and the two miniature rings that are symbols of the two children i lost and only shared that with 3 people, you'd know that I get upset with GOD sometimes when i see women who have no business being moms and have 2,3, and 4 children. You'd know that im so afraid of loosing the child i do have that i shelter him so much the only friends he has are the ones he sees during school time and he thinks its normal to never spend the night at someones home.

Yesterday, I posted about being adopted, I was 7... and how my adoptive parents told me constantly how they wish they never adopted me, how I was worth nothing, and that they hated me... That is nothing...

If you really knew me... you would know that before I was adopted I had an uncle who died of a drug overdose in front of me.. My real family told me that he tripped over a hose (that I did not roll up) and that it was my fault that I killed him... I believed this till I was 18 and was able to get a copy of the death certificate to see the real cause of death.

You would know that after I was adopted my adoptive mom's brother (my uncle) molested me. I told my parents who told me that I must have led him on ( I was 12 and he was 21). Then, to make matters worse, they had him move in with us and used to leave me home alone with him on the weekends... You can only imagine the 'fun' he used to have.

You would know that I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 and have never been back home...

You would know that I ache for parents... I would love to have parents to call and talk with. A mom that I was close with.....

You would know ... that I rarely talk about these things because they drive me absolutely crazy.

You would know the with all that.... I would not change who I am today. I am a mother, a grandmother, and a wife... I love my family more than anything and would do anything for them. My friends mean the world to me and I choose very carefully who I allow to be my 'real' friends.

I have allowed myself to live in self pity way too long, using every excuse as to why I have gained weight. I am done with that.. I have had awful things happen to me but that is no reason to kill myself slowly. I am worth loving and living. I no longer will allow those that have hurt me to continue to hurt me....I will be strong and get healthy.

If u really knew me u would know
That I'm at my second job right now
That would much rather be at home but know that I wouldn't be sleeping there either because of what i brought up in myself last night on this post
That absolutely adore my husband for loving me for me even though I don't see the beauty he does after being told for so long that I was nothing, fat, and ugly
That I weighed 80 lbs at one time in my life and my goal weight is nearly twice that because I'm nearly 6 feet tall
That love my son with every fiber of my being but would much rather not have any more children...I'm very happy with the little family I have
That people make me feel horrible for not wanting more children
That my best friend hung herself for something I could have prevented (in my opinion)
That I need to stop and count cigarettes b4 3am

If you really knew me... I guess you would know I've been clean and sober a year and a half. It feels like a lifetime ago but I still worry about falling back to old habits. I could never do that to my family again.
Actually if you really knew me, we would be friends ; )

I have been drug free for almost 11 years....actually 10 years and 8 months...120 months and I fear a relapse everyday...especially my bad days

If you really knew me you would know....that I always put on a smile when I am feeling down so others can't see.
If you really knew me you would know......I am deathly afraid of sharks and can't stand goodbyes because i am reminded of my mother. I also can't stand to go inside until I know my puppy is watching.
If you really knew me you would know that I absolutely love people!

If you really knew me, you'd know that no matter how much weight I lose, I will probably never truly be happy.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I am terrified of dying at a young age and leaving my daughter with a mother, the way both my parents did.
If you really knew me, you'd know that my life seems great on the outside, but its anything but great on the inside.
If you really knew me, you'd understand that it is a daily struggle for me to make the right choices.
If you really knew me, you'd find out that I was an alcoholic before I was even the legal age to drink. Now, food is my new addiction.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm afraid of being alone.

This was very theraputic and helpful. Thanks for reading!

If you really knew me, you would know that my husband saved my life when I was 16. He taught me food wasnt an enemy, but a life sustaining force NEEDED to survive. You would know that I reward my child with treats, just as I was rewarded and I feel guilty. You would know that most days I feel good about how I look, in all of my 216 pound glory, but some days I let MYSELF pull ME down into that dark place, where the fat girls are never good enough, and wont ever be able to change.

If you really knew me, you'd know I tried to go bathing suit shopping last week and couldn't even bring myself to put one on. Just the thought of me in one makes me want to throw up. I haven't worn a bathing suit since I was a teenager probably.