Partners? Do they ever understand!!!!
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That is some vent there.
It sounds like you are feeding (for lack of a better word) into each others issues, to be honest. Seriously, you're not going to change him. There is a little saying, "let it begin with me." It works every time.
What I suggest is changing your reaction to him putting your food in the microwave, or doing something else around food you don't like. Work on zero reaction, or simply saying, "Thank you." Then, take charge of yourself and do whatever needs to be done regarding food.
I don't have this problem with my partner at all. I cook, he cooks, we eat the same foods (except he loves corn and I don't).0 -
I have calmed down since last night but still annoyed with him and myself and he just doesn't seem to see the issue.
"So eat something different!!".
I was working late shifts on Wednesday and Thursday. I'm trying to stick to my calories and have done 95% of the time (damn that works do last weekend!! Hi my name's Vodka, DRINK ME!) anyway......... Normally when I work until 8.30 I grab Chinese on my way home.
This week I was ready. I planned what I was having, compromised on it and cut the portions in half, even though I can so eat the whole Kung Po Prawns and egg fried rice. Ate half, had enough, wasn't hungry and stayed within my calories.
I specifically said to my husband that I would eat the other half the following night. He cooked for him and the kids as he would normally do, I leave work Thursday at 6.30 to a text message stating "had Ham, Mash and Spaghetti Hoops, Yours is in the microwave"
Does he even listen to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like food reheated!!!!!!!!!!!! I've asked him a thousand times not to do it and I'm not exaggerating! We've been married 15 years! But every time he does it we end up having the same conversation and he always says the same things "well I was trying to be nice, see I do think of you, shan't bother" You're not trying to be nice when I've asked you not to, you're not thinking of me when I've asked you not to, and please (in the nicest way possible) don't bother, because I've asked you not to.................!
Replied reminding him I had Chinese in the fridge but I would have the sausage and mash tomorrow as plans had changed and I was having to work until 6.30 again last night but I would put something in the slow cooker so he didn't have to cook again.
I get home, eat my Chinese, which I have calculated for and everything is A OK.
Yesterday morning, I put something in the slow cooker for they're tea's, afterall he's cooked twice I'll be nice.
Chicken, skin and all, stock, herbs and spices to make it a bit sweet and sour for them. Got a bit of pancetta, which I haven't been eating cause of the fat content. Blackeye beans and pineapple, juice and all. Told him to serve it with rice so it was fully carb loaded.
I sat before I went into work and added the ham, mash etc to my diary.
I get home and go to the microwave to reheat the ham and mash from the night before but there is a bowl of the rice and the chicken thing?!?. I go to the fridge, not there, I'm putting my head in my hands and call up the stairs (he works from home at night) Where's my tea? - in the microwave - No where's the ham and mash - I ate it at lunchtime but we were NICE and saved some of the chicken and rice.
Now for those of you who are old enough to remember the scene from the original Terminator film when Judgement day happens and she's watching the kiddies in the playground when the bomb goes off, picture that!!! Of course he would be Sarah Connor (less heroic) and I'm the bomb (more justified)!!!
I despair of him and told him so, I had planned to eat that for my tea. "you never said!" Yes I bloody well did, "no you never". I've taken out the text message to prove my point and repeatedly beat him in the head with my phone (ok maybe I didn't) and he looks me square in the eye and said "ah well, that's cause you said sausage and mash, just eat the other thing!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Apart from the fact there is chicken skin and pancetta in it which would make it more calorific than I need it to be, it has two lots of carbs and they have no idea how much rice they cooked. Here's the best bit though, due to an overactive pregnancy craving 9 years ago I DON'T EAT PINEAPPLE, the taste and the smell makes me heave. I'm now rambling incoherently like a mental patient off her meds and he says to me "well I was trying to be nice, shan't bother" I give in, go down stairs and pick at the chicken thing, ever last tiny forkful with only a slight taste of pineapple, YUM! Quit half way and threw the rest in the bin.
I started all again with my dinner, re-planned as best I could, taking best guess at the quantities, nearly 400 calories left still but I'd used nearly all my daily fat allowance. 10 O'clock comes and no surprise I'm hungry.
After much looking and checking I realise I can have "nothing" everything I would like to eat will take me over my fat allowance and fruit just ain't gonna cut it, not in this mood! In the end I just decided Sod it and went and had 2 slices of toast and jam and then whilst I was stood eating those in the kitchen I put two more in the toaster and ate them aswell.
So now I'm annoyed at myself aswell and him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me that someone (anyone, everyone) has partners like this and that I'm not some crazy woman all on her own, sat in a corner, slowly rocking, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...........................
I read most of this and honestly I must be missing something. You have Chinese in your fridge, how do they breathe? Who bought the pineapple? A 9 year craving/overeating IDK even know what this means. Options moving forward seem like labeling/a Sharpie and remove the Chinese so they can breathe.
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Edited for length...
After much looking and checking I realise I can have "nothing" everything I would like to eat will take me over my fat allowance and fruit just ain't gonna cut it, not in this mood! In the end I just decided Sod it and went and had 2 slices of toast and jam and then whilst I was stood eating those in the kitchen I put two more in the toaster and ate them aswell.
So now I'm annoyed at myself aswell and him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me that someone (anyone, everyone) has partners like this and that I'm not some crazy woman all on her own, sat in a corner, slowly rocking, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...........................
The bolded above...
OP...the macro levels that MFP gives you are just minimum...just suggestions. Nothing will happen if you don't meet them exactly.
I learned a long time ago...you can let this drive you insane by trying to be precise OR you can enjoy the journey by realizing that every day won't be perfect.
Not sure I understood most of the rest of your post by I gather that you are WAAAAAY too stressed over this. How long do you think that you will last if every day is as the one you described? I would venture to guess...not long.
Losing weight, eating at a deficit and the changes that your body goes through can be stressful. It can be hard to stick to day after day. Don't add to it by expecting everything and everyone around you to be perfect.
Funny thing...my son ate all of the chicken salad today for lunch...I had planned on having some on crackers...didn't happen. So I ate some humus instead and added some greek yogurt to make up the protein. It worked and all is good.
Breathe...relax...smile...make the most of this journey.
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I am just left wondering how many calories you burned typing chapter one of war and peace!0
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I couldn't read it all. This is too complicated and wordy. Is this an essay or forum post? I couldn't find the point/problem buried in there.0
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Jennloella wrote: »I couldn't read it all. This is too complicated and wordy. Is this an essay or forum post? I couldn't find the point/problem buried in there.
she doesnt like reheated food and got mad when hubby cooked her dinner cause then she couldnt reheat her leftovers and eat them.
got it?
yeah, me either.....0 -
Why is everyone ganging up on the OP? Can't a girl just like things the way she likes them?
OP, after 15 yrs, your husband knows what winds you up and yet he keeps doing it. That's too bad. Maybe he's just hopeless and you should adjust your expectations downward. Clearly, you're expecting too much from him. He can't remember all that stuff, keeps getting it wrong, yet you keep expecting him to get it right.
It all sounds terribly trivial. The best way forward is to expect the worst (or the same) from him, that way, you won't be disappointed when he stuffs up.0 -
Traveler120 wrote: »Why is everyone ganging up on the OP? Can't a girl just like things the way she likes them?
OP, after 15 yrs, your husband knows what winds you up and yet he keeps doing it. That's too bad. Maybe he's just hopeless and you should adjust your expectations downward. Clearly, you're expecting too much from him. He can't remember all that stuff, keeps getting it wrong, yet you keep expecting him to get it right.
It all sounds terribly trivial. The best way forward is to expect the worst (or the same) from him, that way, you won't be disappointed when he stuffs up.
No one is "ganging up". She asked a question-people answered, unfortunately the answers where not the ones she wanted.
This seems like a new issue, not a 15 year long one, seeing as I'm sure in the last she just ate whatever else the family ate.
Yes, it is extremely trivial and yet she is the one who got so upset over it.0 -
Thank you for being honest and sharing.
I can completely understand the need to control and monitor the calories, especially when work gets in the way. Pre-planning is essential to hit goal for some of us (it works for me but only if I pre-plan or else I go overboard).
Please breathe and be kind to yourself. We all have things that drive us nuts, especially about our families. I personally like when people bring me things (meals, muffins, coffee, etc) but also struggle with the calorie counting and such when I didn't make it. I have worked hard to try to get to goal and while the intentions they have are oh so sweet....I don't have the luxury on a regular basis to eat stuff that I don't know counts on. I can't expect the world or all of my family and friends to understand my complex and ever changing goals (calories, nutrients, protein, etc etc).
My thoughts, to not make you mad but in effort to give you some control back in this situation, is: make and plan all of your meals. Cook it, measure it, portion pack it, and have it separate in the fridge. You don't have to eat what hubby makes you! Perhaps when you are ready have a talk about how much you appreciate what he does for you, but while you are counting calories you will need to make your own meals. Perhaps he would be happy to draw you a bubble bath, give you a backrub or footrub after a long day, or help in some other way? Maybe go on a walk together after dinner?
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I don't think you're crazy. Your partner is ignoring your wishes and taking your stuff! I'd be annoyed, too, and be asking them to be more supportive.
My partner and I don't have this problem, because we are dieting together. We're doing that because we put on weight together when we compromised on food day in day out. Over time it makes a difference, making your eating for around someone else.
So don't listen to the people who think you're crazy. There are some good ideas about taking control of what you eat, though.
Good luck.0 -
OP, I understand how you feel. My boyfriend, who I live with, bought me candy, soda, pizza, everything that will send me over the edge calorie wise. He bought them because he loves me and knows I cannot survive without treats. I smile, nod, and stick the chocolate in my sock drawer for later. Everything else I say "thank you but I can't eat that today. You can have it, baby". After about 6 months he got the idea that I don't need pizza, candy, and soda every night
As for him adding stuff to the crock pot, that would drive me crazy too lol. Counting calories isn't an exact science. As long as you are eating less than what you usually would you will be fine. I understand wanting a structured environment but you will have the inevitable, unplanned meals. Learning to fit them into your goals is important if you want to keep the weight off long term. You can't plan every single meal for the rest of your life!
Eat good when you can, be bad when you have to, exercise, it all evens out in the end.0 -
Divorce is the only solution0
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You need to work on expressing yourself clearly and succinctly.
Does your partner even understand what your issue is? After reading all of that, I certainly do not...0 -
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OP, you have just started this journey.
It has probably taken you a while, quietly thinking this through. For you husband of 15 years this is a new concept you have introduced. It will take him longer to understand the importance of your endeavour as it is not directly impacting him. Give him a few months to grasp what you are doing.
As many have said, have reserves in the pantry, just incase what he has prepared doesn't suit your calorie goal for that day.
For yourself, think of backtracking. Start again, lowering your calories and changing what you are chosing to eat, slowly.
If originally set your goal to 2 lb a week reset it to .5 lb a week and gradually drop to 2 lb over a number of weeks. Dont worry too much at the begining about your macros, they will fall into place once you are settled into losing those pounds.
This won't slow you down too much, and will be a lot gentler on you, your husband and children.
If you need to rant occasionally, this is a good place.
Talk calmly about your goals, and how you wish to acchieve them, with your husband.
Baby steps.
Cheers, h.0 -
_Terrapin_ wrote: »
I read most of this and honestly I must be missing something. You have Chinese in your fridge, how do they breathe? Who bought the pineapple? A 9 year craving/overeating IDK even know what this means. Options moving forward seem like labeling/a Sharpie and remove the Chinese so they can breathe.
She said a pregnancy craving she had 9 years ago. Meaning she had a craving for it while pregnant, ate a bunch of it all the time, and now can't stand to eat it. Happens a lot with pregnancies.0 -
Labyrinthine93 wrote: »_Terrapin_ wrote: »
I read most of this and honestly I must be missing something. You have Chinese in your fridge, how do they breathe? Who bought the pineapple? A 9 year craving/overeating IDK even know what this means. Options moving forward seem like labeling/a Sharpie and remove the Chinese so they can breathe.
She said a pregnancy craving she had 9 years ago. Meaning she had a craving for it while pregnant, ate a bunch of it all the time, and now can't stand to eat it. Happens a lot with pregnancies.
Right! Who, meaning the individual, bought the pineapple? Irrational justifications for things is still irrational. Ever watch someone not eat something on their plate? It is called avoiding it. Done.
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As someone who cannot tolerate pineapple, I would simply make sure it never came into the house so it never accidentally got mixed into my dinner.0
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Honey you don't have to eat it if you don't want to. I do understand where you are coming from. Everyone wants to share all this when you are a diet.My roommate sometimes bring me food when he comes home.its normally because he doesn't want it. I say thank you and throw it in the trash when no one is looking because it's normally high calorie high fat restaurant food. No big deal don't stress you have to pick your battles and this right here is a losing one.0
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I have to get my husband to read this thread, I pinch his pre logged foods all the time 0
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Oh my goodness.
Lel.0 -
Traveler120 wrote: »Why is everyone ganging up on the OP? Can't a girl just like things the way she likes them?
OP, after 15 yrs, your husband knows what winds you up and yet he keeps doing it. That's too bad. Maybe he's just hopeless and you should adjust your expectations downward. Clearly, you're expecting too much from him. He can't remember all that stuff, keeps getting it wrong, yet you keep expecting him to get it right.
It all sounds terribly trivial. The best way forward is to expect the worst (or the same) from him, that way, you won't be disappointed when he stuffs up.
It sounds more like OP is asking her husband to be perfect and remember every little thing she says to him. That's unreasonable. Yes, she should adjust her expectations downward, because her current expectations are unrealistic. He's not hopeless. Sounds like he's just human.0 -
Its obviously important to you so its understandable that you are getting upset.
IMHO I think you should write a weeks menus and put it on the fridge so you all know what food you are going to have each day. If you want you could all discuss it at the start of the week to make sure everyone is happy and of course if he wants to change his diet that is fine its his meal etc
A quiet sit down chat about this might help you both to understand that to you this is a big thing while for him it isnt ... and thats ok... you just need a new system that works
Good luck
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »You need to work on expressing yourself clearly and succinctly.
Does your partner even understand what your issue is? After reading all of that, I certainly do not...
This, x1000.
I can imagine the OP yammering to her husband in exactly the way she's done here. He probably has no idea what's going on.
It always bodes well for a relationship when one person expects the other to be a mind reader.
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This hurt my head. It's just food. You need to talk to someone before your husband leaves you over cold chicken and mash.(whatever that is.)
Lol@this response
Too funny!
In all seriousness, the problem is that you cook different food for your family to eat. If you do majority of the grocery shopping and cooking (I don't know your situation, I'm just assuming from your post that you do) then don't cook a separate higher calorie meal for them while you eat something different. If they don't want what you make them leave it to them to cook something different.
You don't eat pancetta because of the high calorie content, then don't serve it to your family either. This isn't about a diet, this is a healthy lifestyle change. Everyone can benefit from healthier food choices, including your family.
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OP, I understand it can be frustrating when someone eats what you had planned, but you should try to look at it from his point of view. I think he thought he was being helpful and thoughtful by eating the leftovers and leaving you with the new food cooked that day or didn't realize it would bother you so much. My husband will sometimes bring me home fast food when I have already had something planned for dinner, or go out and buy snacks he knows I like but won't buy for myself. He isn't trying to be a jerk or sabotaging my weight-loss, but is usually trying to be nice because he knows I'm stressed and doesn't want me to have to cook dinner too, or maybe because it's my TOM and he knows I'm usually craving stuff like that. While it is a lot more calories than I had planned, I still thank him for thinking about me, eat the food, and cut back during other meals and days and I am still on track.
As others have said, going over your macros isn't really a big deal and is almost irrelevant to weight-loss. I used to be upset every time I went over my calories, but I soon realized that I can't have an attitude like that or I'll never stick to this. If you overeat one day, you can cut back other days, but remember that one day is not a big deal. You are still doing so much more than you would be doing if you weren't counting calories or on MFP. You are still making progress and it really won't matter whether you reach your final goal three days later, or even two weeks later than you would have originally. Keeping a good attitude helps a lot because you won't get so stressed that you want to eventually give up.
Others have given really great advice about labeling containers and leaving extra calories for days that he cooks. Just take a deep breath, relax, and just do the best you can each day and you will eventually get where you are going. Good luck!0 -
Optimistical1 wrote: »This hurt my head. It's just food. You need to talk to someone before your husband leaves you over cold chicken and mash.(whatever that is.)
Lol@this response Too funny!
In all seriousness, the problem is that you cook different food for your family to eat. If you do majority of the grocery shopping and cooking (I don't know your situation, I'm just assuming from your post that you do) then don't cook a separate higher calorie meal for them while you eat something different. If they don't want what you make them leave it to them to cook something different.
You don't eat pancetta because of the high calorie content, then don't serve it to your family either. This isn't about a diet, this is a healthy lifestyle change. Everyone can benefit from healthier food choices, including your family.
Nothing wrong with pancetta.
I do make some meals for other people that I have no intention of eating, but typically if there's something I hate, I never buy it either.0 -
Optimistical1 wrote: »This hurt my head. It's just food. You need to talk to someone before your husband leaves you over cold chicken and mash.(whatever that is.)
Lol@this response Too funny!
In all seriousness, the problem is that you cook different food for your family to eat. If you do majority of the grocery shopping and cooking (I don't know your situation, I'm just assuming from your post that you do) then don't cook a separate higher calorie meal for them while you eat something different. If they don't want what you make them leave it to them to cook something different.
You don't eat pancetta because of the high calorie content, then don't serve it to your family either. This isn't about a diet, this is a healthy lifestyle change. Everyone can benefit from healthier food choices, including your family.
What if pancetta is a favorite of her family? Should they have to give it up?
Why do we (those of us that need to lose weight) expect everyone else to make the same sacrifices that we CHOOSE to make?
I basically cook all of the same foods that I cooked before deciding to lose weight. Where possible I have "lightened" them up. I figure out how much that I can eat and let everyone else decide how much they can eat. If I want to save some for my lunch the next day I put it in a separate container from the rest of the leftovers.
I just don't think that we can ask others to follow our own personal guidelines for weight management. If we do I think that we will find ourselves in the same position as the OP...having war over chicken and mash.
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