Think before you send that nasty message

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beth0277
beth0277 Posts: 217 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I'll preface by saying MFP is mostly really, really positive and helpful. Now, a little background, I am a recovering binge eater. I've binged for as long as I can remember. With help from this community and learning to give myself grace when it comes to what I eat, I'm FINALLY doing well with weight loss. I've tried so many "low sugar" "low carb" this-and-that diets and fail every time and end up binging, and this time I'm counting calories, eating what I want (while trying to make healthy choices, most of the time), exercising, and I'm finally doing well. Weight isn't coming off as quickly as I would like, but slow and steady is the name of the game.

So a week or so ago I posted on this community about slow weight loss and just a bit about how to stay motivated. Late last night I randomly got a message from someone whom I've never "talked" to before regarding my post. It was so rude and nasty and basically said "You need to eat more vegetables and soluble fiber. You seem like you don't know anything about nutrition. Read a book". This person had looked at my diary and didn't like what they saw. I'll admit I add a lot of "quick calories", especially when something isn't an exact serving. How would this person know what those calories are? They are often vegetables, but what does it matter if I am under my calorie goal? I also had a rough-ish day on Monday (which ended in victory, for me) because I wanted to binge and did eat a BIG bowl of fruity pebbles, which I haven't eaten in forever, with every plan to binge after that, and I didn't. I tracked the cereal and started fresh the next day. I'm learning every day and this message was so nasty that for a second it made me feel like I'm not good enough or won't be able to do this. Screw that. I'm taking control of my health and this person has no right to derail me.

Please think before you send someone a message or respond in a negative way to their posts. This person may have an eating disorder that they are working on getting under control and you may say just enough to push them back. This person tried that with me, and almost succeeded, but the good advice I've gotten in this community has taught me that this is my journey and I'm going to make mistakes along the way but no one else can do it for me, and no one else can stop me.
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Replies

  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
    edited September 2015
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    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.
  • beth0277
    beth0277 Posts: 217 Member
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    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    Of course, but that's not as easy for someone who has a history of disordered eating and low self esteem from being overweight. I'm working on it all, and I'm really happy with my progress, but words can mean more than someone realizes.
  • AshuhleeMarie
    AshuhleeMarie Posts: 86 Member
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    I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been lucky to receive nothing but support, but I do see some posts coming from negative people. Just brush them off and remember, you're doing this for YOU and no one else!
  • ljmorgi
    ljmorgi Posts: 264 Member
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    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
  • MarziPanda95
    MarziPanda95 Posts: 1,326 Member
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    Good for you for not letting it derail you back to your old ways. Don't listen to that kind of person. Chances are they don't know much about nutrition either. You're doing awesome eating how you are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
  • Soopatt
    Soopatt Posts: 563 Member
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    @DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!

    Thanks for the post OP. I had similar struggles in the beginning with MFP, when I was trying to join in on conversations and posts and got the odd bit of nastiness. It felt like being the new kid at a snooty school.

    I keep my diary open but it has cost me a couple of nasty messages.

    See it in perspective, as you have done.
  • beth0277
    beth0277 Posts: 217 Member
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    MarziPanda95 wrote: »
    Good for you for not letting it derail you back to your old ways. Don't listen to that kind of person. Chances are they don't know much about nutrition either. You're doing awesome eating how you are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

    I looked at their profile and it looks like they are loud-and-proud vegan. Which is fine and great if that's what makes them happy but I'm not interested in that lifestyle for myself.
  • MommyL2015
    MommyL2015 Posts: 1,411 Member
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    Of course it's not okay to be a jerk but unfortunately we don't have control over other people, only ourselves and how we react.

    My mom always told me, "No one can ever make you mad, only you can choose to be mad." Good advice. :)
  • jsmestflowers
    jsmestflowers Posts: 52 Member
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    Rule of the internet: Some people delight in being nasty to people for no other reason than being nasty. They just look for an opportunity to be rude under the guise of "hard love" or some other nonsense.. I don't know why this this, low self esteem, or simply sadistic, either way don't let them get you down, just blow them right on off. They play their games, we should play ours as well, and ours is called "Lose Weight and don't be an *kitten*" Bing eating is a hard thing to overcome, and I salute your efforts to get it under control, if it was easy there would be no bing eaters..yet...there are :)
    One thing that I have internalized over my many years of being involved in numerous forums is this..someone I don't know..why do I really care what their opinion of me is? I don't. They don't know me well enough to even recognize me on the street much less judge me.
    Hang in there and work on the opinion that matter most, and truly only, yours! Sounds to me like you are doing great and making steps!
  • psuLemon
    psuLemon Posts: 38,404 MFP Moderator
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    Send a message to @alex or @nova and they can address the situatuon.
  • Amberonamission
    Amberonamission Posts: 836 Member
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    A few years ago I got a message from a guy on here that said I should try harder so I could be hot like all the other people on his friends list. That really messed me up and kept me of this site for years.
  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
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    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
    Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.

  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
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    Soopatt wrote: »
    @DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!
    Yes, but trying to convince jerks not to be jerks is a pretty futile exercise. Focusing on your own reactions actually has potential for success. Weeding jerks out of the world doesn't.

  • ljmorgi
    ljmorgi Posts: 264 Member
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    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
    Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.

    You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
  • cbnorris
    cbnorris Posts: 204 Member
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    Amberonamission wrote: »
    A few years ago I got a message from a guy on here that said I should try harder so I could be hot like all the other people on his friends list. That really messed me up and kept me of this site for years.

    You are gorgeous! What a douche! I had to click your profile after you said that, and you ma'am do not look your age at all.

    Soopatt wrote: »
    @DeguelloTex I think it is exactly because the OP was NOT pushed back by messages from internet strangers, that she made this post!

    Thanks for the post OP. I had similar struggles in the beginning with MFP, when I was trying to join in on conversations and posts and got the odd bit of nastiness. It felt like being the new kid at a snooty school.

    I keep my diary open but it has cost me a couple of nasty messages.

    See it in perspective, as you have done.

    I've always wondered why some people have closed diaries. I like snoop through them sometime for ideas on what to eat. Never thought that others were snooping just to judge and belittle.

  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
    edited September 2015
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    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?

    I agree with you.

    There is a difference between a jerky post and a message. A single post needs to be read in context and may come across as being a jerk when it is not. It also can be referring to something said one or more posts above by another person and if the reference is not quoted, the context can be lost. Or it can just be someone being a jerk. A message, on the other hand, (I am reading in the OP that someone sent an actual PM to the OP) is individual and personal. There is often no need for something like that to sound like it is coming from a jerk. Are you on the person's friend list? Did the person ASK for specific advice or an elaboration? If not, what you have to say can easily be said in the context of the thread to benefit all. PM's from random strangers commenting on your diary strike me as a bit odd. I keep mine open to friends and only open it to everyone if I am seeking advice regarding it. (At which point I am ready for anything, including criticism, which I asked for)


  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    edited September 2015
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    Its a public forum and tbh some people dont think just as others never listen. Perhaps the person was just being to the point and trying to be helpful. Quick calories are often a sign of poor logging. One persons mean is another persons honest to the point.

    Its much less common for people to send pms rather than post on a thread, but maybe it was because it was a week old they felt they wanted to give you that advice.

    Maybe change your profile stating you do not welcome unsolicited advice? Maybe close your diary to all except friends. I wouldnt worry about it as you say they dont know you, so I wouldnt be getting upset with it. Without seeing the actual message I cant say whether it was rude and nasty(not asking to look). Just brush it off and focus on where you wnat to go.
  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
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    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?
    Can you point out where I said that? I'll wait.

    You seemed to be placing the onus on the original poster ("don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers").
    The onus is on the person not to be pushed back. Absolutely it is. Her life is her responsibility. Now, again, tell me how that means I said it is OK to be jerk.

  • beth0277
    beth0277 Posts: 217 Member
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    earlnabby wrote: »
    ljmorgi wrote: »
    DeguelloTex wrote: »
    Alternatively, don't be pushed back by messages from random internet strangers. You have control over your reactions. You don't have control over the nastiness of people.

    So it's okay to be a jerk because people shouldn't be so sensitive?

    I agree with you.

    There is a difference between a jerky post and a message. A single post needs to be read in context and may come across as being a jerk when it is not. It also can be referring to something said one or more posts above by another person and if the reference is not quoted, the context can be lost. Or it can just be someone being a jerk. A message, on the other hand, (I am reading in the OP that someone sent an actual PM to the OP) is individual and personal. There is often no need for something like that to sound like it is coming from a jerk. Are you on the person's friend list? Did the person ASK for specific advice or an elaboration? If not, what you have to say can easily be said in the context of the thread to benefit all. PM's from random strangers commenting on your diary strike me as a bit odd. I keep mine open to friends and only open it to everyone if I am seeking advice regarding it.


    Right. If I had posted asking for advice and someone responded to the post saying "Maybe try to add this to your diet or I think you should read a book about nutrition to get started, here's one I recommend" it would have been taken totally different than a random PM sent from someone whom I've never interacted with before.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    If you find the message to be inappropriate then report it to one of the Mods as suggested and let them handle it. They are generally fair (well, apart from when they give me warnings *shakes fist*).

    It's a shame you had that experience.

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