my family don't understand my lifestyle.

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  • brianpperkins
    brianpperkins Posts: 6,124 Member
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    MonkeyMel21 wrote: »
    brianpperkins wrote: »
    What, besides the fact it doesn't fit your routine and therefore triggers your "control freak" tendencies, makes what your mother makes "bad"?

    She already said that she feels like crap after eating the types of food her mother makes.

    Honestly, if she's set her fitness/health goals and wants to eat a certain way to follow those goals, she shouldn't be made to feel bad by a loved one because of it. Or forced in to doing something she just flat out doesn't want to do (which is eat the foods that her mother is cooking her).

    What I asked the OP is a question that only she can answer not matter how much you'd try to do it for her.


    Is it the food causing her feels, or is it her not having control creating a psychosomatic reaction?

    There is a huge difference in "bad" and not fitting one's current plan. The fact that the OP describes herself as a "control freak" is a major point here, as is the fact that not eating the food is seen as an insult.
  • NoIdea101NoIdea
    NoIdea101NoIdea Posts: 659 Member
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    My mother is exactly the same; feeding me is her way of showing she cares, and whilst she does try to make healthy things, she too doesn't really understand my individual 'needs'.

    But i try and look at it from her perspective; it must be difficult, raising a human being who is solely dependent on you for so long, then they spread their wings, gain their independence, and suddenly they don't need you so much. You don't want to smother them, but you want to do everything you can to show that you still care for them. For most mothers, food is a way of doing that, and so questioning what they are feeding you or refusing to eat their food or bringing your own must be....not insulting, but saddening. Another example of how your 'child' doesn't need you so much anymore. I'm not saying that they are right to feel that, or that is a valid reason for not listening to your needs, but i at least understand.

    So when i know i am going to be going home for the weekend, i adjust my weekly range; i aim for a larger deficit during the week so i can enjoy the weekend and not have to worry about it and still average out fine for the week.
  • sarahlee7223
    sarahlee7223 Posts: 2 Member
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    I'm young and not a mom but I was just like your mom. my sister stopped drinking soda and in my head she was judging me for drinking soda. I used to be annoyed at her for being a health nut. it's crazy how I snapped out of that mentality and realized that my sister actually loved us and wanted us as a whole family to be healthy and live long. she cared so that our family is not riddled with a bunch of diseases from weight gain and an unhealthy lifestyle. I apologized to her and I felt horrible for being annoyed at her. now I'm trying to lose weight and eat more smart. it's hard especially cuz the rest of the family keeps drinking soda but gotta keep trying.
  • adawson55510
    adawson55510 Posts: 60 Member
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    My parent's are used to me coming over on Sunday with my whole family for dinner with my own stuff when i'm dieting she just sends me a msg the night before to make sure she doesn't put too much on lol
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    You two have allowed food to become a power struggle.

    In her defence, you don't have to be in total control all the time, feeding you is her way of expressing her love to you, and she may worry about your desire for total control over your body all the time. Is it really a nightmare visiting your mother?

    In your defence, there should be some respect for the choices you are making.

    Do you realize you have a warm, close relationship with your mother? You are seeing her every weekend!

    Everything is in your power to end this struggle. You may allow yourself to eat a little more on the weekends, and perhaps not the foods you would pick for yourself. You may choose to eat less. If your mother continues to be insulted and try and guilt you in to eating more, you could choose to visit less often.
  • diyadiamonds
    diyadiamonds Posts: 74 Member
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    brianpperkins wrote: »
    MonkeyMel21 wrote: »
    brianpperkins wrote: »
    What, besides the fact it doesn't fit your routine and therefore triggers your "control freak" tendencies, makes what your mother makes "bad"?

    She already said that she feels like crap after eating the types of food her mother makes.

    Honestly, if she's set her fitness/health goals and wants to eat a certain way to follow those goals, she shouldn't be made to feel bad by a loved one because of it. Or forced in to doing something she just flat out doesn't want to do (which is eat the foods that her mother is cooking her).

    What I asked the OP is a question that only she can answer not matter how much you'd try to do it for her.


    Is it the food causing her feels, or is it her not having control creating a psychosomatic reaction?

    There is a huge difference in "bad" and not fitting one's current plan. The fact that the OP describes herself as a "control freak" is a major point here, as is the fact that not eating the food is seen as an insult.

    This could be true actually ..
  • diyadiamonds
    diyadiamonds Posts: 74 Member
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    You two have allowed food to become a power struggle.

    In her defence, you don't have to be in total control all the time, feeding you is her way of expressing her love to you, and she may worry about your desire for total control over your body all the time. Is it really a nightmare visiting your mother?

    In your defence, there should be some respect for the choices you are making.

    Do you realize you have a warm, close relationship with your mother? You are seeing her every weekend!

    Everything is in your power to end this struggle. You may allow yourself to eat a little more on the weekends, and perhaps not the foods you would pick for yourself. You may choose to eat less. If your mother continues to be insulted and try and guilt you in to eating more, you could choose to visit less often.

    I love my mom, and find it wonderful seeing her. Yes o would describe the pressure on me to eat as a nightmare not going to see her. As I did mention I like to obsessively control the aspects of my life that I can, I think someone on this thread did put things into perspective for me, it could be a psychosomatic reaction..
  • Lorleee
    Lorleee Posts: 369 Member
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    Why don't you bring over a tasty, healthy dish to share? You can load up your plate with it and take just a little bit of your mom's pasta, pull the skin off the fried chicken and tell her how delish everything is. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing.
  • auddii
    auddii Posts: 15,357 Member
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    Lorleee wrote: »
    Why don't you bring over a tasty, healthy dish to share? You can load up your plate with it and take just a little bit of your mom's pasta, pull the skin off the fried chicken and tell her how delish everything is. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing.

    You could also offer to spend some time cooking together on the weekends and plan some healthier swaps in the dishes, or at least suggest one dish off of your go-to lighter foods.
  • dawnmcneil10
    dawnmcneil10 Posts: 638 Member
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    My own mom is gone but my friend's mom loves to feed us. What I tend to do is bring a large salad to share, make that my main course and then grab say a piece of the fried chicken and pick that apart to put in my salad.
    Pasta dishes I just scoop a small amount and flatten it out on my plate, have a big pile of salad and the pasta because it's flattened it looks like a larger amount.

    The other option (and my favorite) is to take leftovers, tell your mom you're not able to physically eat it all but you'd love to snack on it throughout the week. I'm sure you could work in some of those curry based sauces into your own dishes, lighten them up a little with some plain greek yogurt and drizzle over grilled chicken or a salad.
  • baldielove13
    baldielove13 Posts: 219 Member
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    diyadiamonds wrote: »
    Patttience wrote: »
    Well without knowing what she cooks, its hard to know but its sounds like its you who are being unreasonable. I mean it won't kill you to eat her food. Or even if you put on a tiny amount of weight from eating some of it, how is that doing to cause you any harm. Its that you don't want to eat her food for your own private reasons. You ahve a right not to eat her food but I think you should be compromising because i can't see how eating her food can be that bad but your refusing to her eat food could easily be seen as insulting. In fact it is insulting as you reckon its not good. I think you are probably being selfish.

    LOL didn't I say I do eat her food?

    I am a control freak (not towards others just towards myself) and when I'm not in routine I get irritated - call it selfish if you want.

    You have the right to be selfish. Your mother will eventually get the message if you choose not to eat her food. Eat her food when you want to. Don't eat it when you don't. You are the one in control.

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    OP, you describe your reaction to being in a "nightmare". So I suggest it's your obsession that needs curbing, not your mom. Otherwise your social circle is going to get pretty small.
  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,862 Member
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    I have two grown sons and would never demand that they eat what I make. They're forging their own paths. It's their time and as long as they don't ask me to change for them I won't ask them to change for me. It's hard letting go as a parent.

    Food was obviously a major bond in your household. But what is more important than the food is the time together at the table. You're both losing this happy time together. I'd have another sit down with her, as it seems to me that she's the one having trouble letting her daughter be her own woman (no matter if that person has food issues or whatever).
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
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    sounds like to your mum food is love...or control.

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