Family Support
Replies
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_Terrapin_ wrote: »What is the difference between watching my dog chase its tail, Groundhog Day, and these threads?!?
Dog chasing tail eventually gets tired and Groundhog Day (the movie) eventually ends? In other words-the first two end?
Ding Ding Ding
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_Terrapin_ wrote: »_Terrapin_ wrote: »What is the difference between watching my dog chase its tail, Groundhog Day, and these threads?!?
They're all going nowhere?
I'm sure things will improve....tomorrow...next day.....sometime soon.....
I'll stop replying to her posts.... tomorrow. Because today things have been really stressful and it's ruined anyway.0 -
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Please stay on-topic in an existing thread, and post new threads in the appropriate forum. Taking a thread off-topic is considered hi-jacking. Please either contribute politely and constructively to a topic, or move on without posting. This includes posts that encourage the drama in a topic to escalate, or posts intended to incite an uproar from the community.
If you don't wish to participate constructively to the actual topic, please move on without posting. If you feel another user is in violation of the guidelines, please report it. Thanks.0 -
_Terrapin_ wrote: »_Terrapin_ wrote: »What is the difference between watching my dog chase its tail, Groundhog Day, and these threads?!?
They're all going nowhere?
I'm sure things will improve....tomorrow...next day.....sometime soon.....
I'll stop replying to her posts.... tomorrow. Because today things have been really stressful and it's ruined anyway.
Really nice and to think I was answering your questions and being ridiculed because of it.0 -
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So, I grew up on a household with a brother who has aspergers. He is the ultimate picky eater. That said my mother made one meal. If we had chicken, he would eat the other two sides, one mela without protein would not kill him. If we had something he wouldn't eat like a casserole he made himself toast or peanutbutter and jam. She would make meals he liked, but not every meal and not at the expense of everyone else's nutrition and desire for variety.
Now, above t your husband, I have to say, he is an adult and id he doesn't like what you made he can eat something else. He does have the ability to do that, and that is final. I would not in 1,000 years set the precedent that I am making two meals. Since you have gone down that road, talk to him about it. I am sure he knows that the kids need their parents to roll model healthy eating, and even if he cannot bring himself to eat what you have made he can at the very least keep quiet and give the kids the opportunity to try it without grousing.
With the kids, be persistent, their tastes will evolve and they will learn to try new things when their is no other option aside from toast, if they will only eat broccoli with cheese on it, maybe keep some aside for yourself without etc. But if you are making baked chicken, steamed veggies and boiled baby potatoes, well they will all just have to learn to live with it, or make their own food. You would be shocked at how many people will learn to live with it because they don't want to cook.
My husband will make his own meals like pasta etc. because he knows I won't make it for dinner for both of us, and I won't make two separate lunches. I consult on the menu and veto things I can't eat and I'd he still wants them, well, he knows where the kitchen is.0 -
I'm a firm believer that what you set up in your family system as acceptable is what you will end up getting.
If you set it up that spending time together, especially at dinner...is important than your family will make time for that.
If you set it up that a parent is treated as the maid or the help, then that is how they will be seen and treated.
If you set it up that honest communication is not valued within partners then that communication will not happen.
If you set it up that if you aren't perfect than you aren't valued or loved then you won't be valued or loved.
You get what you ask for, what you expect. Those are my random thoughts here.
This, 100% this!
My mothers favorite quote is "you teach people how to treat you."
This is soooo true with your spouse and your kids. My husband knows the expectation is that I do the cooking, he does the dishes. I do the laundry, he deals with the trash. I do the grocery shopping, he looks after the pets. We both clean the house on weekends.
I wanted a partner in life and that is what I have, but he doesn't do those things because they came naturally to him or because he really wants to. He would be more than happy to let me do it all. He doesn't think the house needs to be cleaned once a week, or that dishes need to be done daily, but I set that expectation because I'm cleaning that often and he can contribute and if I am cooking dinner for him every day he needs to do the dishes every day.
Don't think it is too late for change either. My mother was a stay at home mom until I was a teenager, but when she went back to work my dad had to start making dinners and shopping and cleaning. Now she works and he is retired and she expects him to do all the stuff she used to.
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@superhockeymom I have listened in to most of the threads your have recently started, also added my words of encouragement but that thread disappeared....as a former and recovering "perfectionist" I can identify with the unrealistic expectations you have loaded yourself down with and I can also identify with the on-going mechanisms of coping/not coping that you employ.....the unrealistic goal setting, the reward/self punishment cycle and also the end use of alcohol used to squash down the feelings of exhaustion and resentment that emerge.
There were 2 threads you started a few days ago this one and I have forgotten the title of the other one.....I was saddened by you coming back more than once to say that no one cares about you and your issues....
Your threads and questions have generated more input and support than any I have seen on here by the MFP community. You are struggling, that much is clear and there are many levels on which this struggle is coming to the surface, I would hazard a guess that is why there is such a diversity to the issues that you raise.
The fact that you are feeling challenged in many aspects of your life is not a bad thing....
It sounds like you have been running and hiding for a long time but now you can't keep that up any more and these issues just won't leave you alone whilst your previous 'coping' mechanisms just aren't filling the gaps either.
I am not demeaning you and no insult is intended...I recognise my past self in the way you write and describe your life......
@WBB55 has hit the nail on the head many times for you, challenged you and your way of thinking and behaving. When someone does that it can be a difficult pill to swallow particularly if they are accurately pointing out that your carefully constructed life and all of the deflections of personal responsibility alongside the opposite side of the coin adopting the responsibility for your families' actions are erroneous.
In all of your threads Patti, I get the sense that you struggle to know where you begin and stop and where others begin and stop. You are trying to make sense and get some 'comfort' out of exerting control but it gets all screwed up and then the self-flagellation, negativity begin, all topped off by a few stress relieving wines just to hopefully dampen down the fire of the pain you are feeling.
My crisis of self happened around the same age as you.....I too wrestled with what I thought was important but was in fact just the minutiae of my life....the kids, the schedules, the lack of supportive partner, my drinking, my weight, my health, undereating/overeating etc etc.....all these things were symptoms of a bigger picture of just pure unhappiness and years of built up resentment towards others and the life that I had built for myself.
Note that: The life I had built for myself. No matter what else, no matter who else.....I had been either an active or passive person in this construction.....realising that my level of responsibility ran high in this mess, cut deep and I was pissed off with myself for a long time but it was freeing too....because if I created it I could change it. I DID change, bit by bit, piece by piece I changed everything about the way I viewed my world and my place in it. So can you.
You are worth making those changes no matter how hard.
You have to get yourself straight and know what it is you want/need and deserve so you are able to get the family to support you....but I have the distinct feeling that like the MFP community your family only gets the parts of you that you feel are perfect enough to be shared.....it's quite possible that your Husband has never really met the "real" Patti, or at least the Patti that is now 46 and maybe you have yet either....that is very saddening and tiring keeping up the facade of 'happy' wife and Mum.....I know it was exhausting for me and such a relief to put it down.
I know this doesn't give practical food suggestions to your chaotic meal schedules....but I hope that my voice resonates along with all of the other support and care that this community has shown you and that you DO get the help and support that you need.0 -
HippySkoppy wrote: »@superhockeymom I have listened in to most of the threads your have recently started, also added my words of encouragement but that thread disappeared....as a former and recovering "perfectionist" I can identify with the unrealistic expectations you have loaded yourself down with and I can also identify with the on-going mechanisms of coping/not coping that you employ.....the unrealistic goal setting, the reward/self punishment cycle and also the end use of alcohol used to squash down the feelings of exhaustion and resentment that emerge.
There were 2 threads you started a few days ago this one and I have forgotten the title of the other one.....I was saddened by you coming back more than once to say that no one cares about you and your issues....
Your threads and questions have generated more input and support than any I have seen on here by the MFP community. You are struggling, that much is clear and there are many levels on which this struggle is coming to the surface, I would hazard a guess that is why there is such a diversity to the issues that you raise.
The fact that you are feeling challenged in many aspects of your life is not a bad thing....
It sounds like you have been running and hiding for a long time but now you can't keep that up any more and these issues just won't leave you alone whilst your previous 'coping' mechanisms just aren't filling the gaps either.
I am not demeaning you and no insult is intended...I recognise my past self in the way you write and describe your life......
@WBB55 has hit the nail on the head many times for you, challenged you and your way of thinking and behaving. When someone does that it can be a difficult pill to swallow particularly if they are accurately pointing out that your carefully constructed life and all of the deflections of personal responsibility alongside the opposite side of the coin adopting the responsibility for your families' actions are erroneous.
In all of your threads Patti, I get the sense that you struggle to know where you begin and stop and where others begin and stop. You are trying to make sense and get some 'comfort' out of exerting control but it gets all screwed up and then the self-flagellation, negativity begin, all topped off by a few stress relieving wines just to hopefully dampen down the fire of the pain you are feeling.
My crisis of self happened around the same age as you.....I too wrestled with what I thought was important but was in fact just the minutiae of my life....the kids, the schedules, the lack of supportive partner, my drinking, my weight, my health, undereating/overeating etc etc.....all these things were symptoms of a bigger picture of just pure unhappiness and years of built up resentment towards others and the life that I had built for myself.
Note that: The life I had built for myself. No matter what else, no matter who else.....I had been either an active or passive person in this construction.....realising that my level of responsibility ran high in this mess, cut deep and I was pissed off with myself for a long time but it was freeing too....because if I created it I could change it. I DID change, bit by bit, piece by piece I changed everything about the way I viewed my world and my place in it. So can you.
You are worth making those changes no matter how hard.
You have to get yourself straight and know what it is you want/need and deserve so you are able to get the family to support you....but I have the distinct feeling that like the MFP community your family only gets the parts of you that you feel are perfect enough to be shared.....it's quite possible that your Husband has never really met the "real" Patti, or at least the Patti that is now 46 and maybe you have yet either....that is very saddening and tiring keeping up the facade of 'happy' wife and Mum.....I know it was exhausting for me and such a relief to put it down.
I know this doesn't give practical food suggestions to your chaotic meal schedules....but I hope that my voice resonates along with all of the other support and care that this community has shown you and that you DO get the help and support that you need.
Thank you
Honestly you brought a tear to my eye and a very heavy heart. I know what I have to do I can't continue the way I am. Thanks you so very much.0 -
You've received a lot of helpful advice regarding your own problems. But the one thing that is sticking in my head is your husband... He just sounds very unsupportive and maybe a tad selfish? Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but this is how your posts have come across to me.0
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I have received some very helpful advise.
@HippySkoppy you really touched my heart with your post. Everything you explained was me and you are right I am struggling. This is the life I built and I am the one that must make the steps to change it. I almost grabbed a glass of wine tonight but I know that is just numbing my emotions and I already made the decision to not do that could be one reason I am such a wreck this week. Everything is just so raw. Thank you again it really meant a lot to read your story I am so glad you were able to make the changes you needed. you gave me hope that I can do the same.
@WBB55 you have been with me back and forth all day I truly appreciate it as uncomfortable as some as your questions were they did make me think of things I would prefer to ignore. I am sorry I got snappy with you as I explained in my message. I felt very on edge and that you were actually ridiculing me.
And I thought I hit the bottom the other day can't get much lower than how I feel right now.
Well thanks to everyone sorry can't list you all .
Patti
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Holy Schadenfreude Batman!
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@superhockeymom - Firstly I am sorry to be so late in responding to your direct posts to me....
I am SO pleased that sharing my experiences has resonated with you.....
Of course you are struggling, you are feeling things maybe for the 1st time without the numbing effects of the wine and being challenged to negate those demon voices in your head that have shaped your life thus far....you feel raw and naked....vulnerable in the sight of so many.
The rawness, the to and froing, your apparent willingness to accept the perceptions and advice of others quickly followed by denial and the urge to actively push that help and care away.....that is an expression of your need to exert control and to retreat into your shell.
You then carry that burden forward into the realms of self punishment with whatever tools available to you at the time....ie. starving, unrealistic goals, the absolute belief that your husband will not be open to counselling without you without even daring to broach the subject, the desire to be the 'perfect' Mum yet at the same time harbouring simmering resentment towards the situation created in you feeling "short order cook", etc etc and you self soothe with booze.
Ok - so right now you feel like *kitten* right!!??
Welcome to the World of being a normal, imperfect human being having a pretty much spot on response when you realise that the road you had so carefully planned out is not working.
Your family situation runs much more deeply than the surface issues of conflicting schedules and lack of contact time, your relationship with your Husband is not what you need/wish it to be and you are determined that you are stuck in some status quo (this isn't true by the way, even if he doesn't go to counselling but you do and HONESTLY talk and implement some constructive change within yourself the relationship dynamics will change also - trust me on this) and you have real issues with self-imploding or numbing out, running away, pushing away help and thus setting yourself up to fail so you can continue with another go round of the same cycle just different year....feeling all the more like a failure each time around.....Am I right??!!
My advice for what it is worth - back off from posting on MFP at least in the short term. Follow through with 1 line of help with your Counsellor as 1 persons input is ALL you need and can deal with..... even up the number of appts....be aware of your personal issues around projecting an image of yourself that is tainted with the desire to be perfect and the fear of being viewed as a failure if you aren't.
Present yourself honestly and be ruthless with it.....don't run from the truth. Deal with YOUR issues 1st.....let ALL the other subjects you have raised here rest for now. Ease up completely on the drinking and eat to a level that is healthy (ie. keep the promises you have made), believe me going balls-out on VLCD is not going to sustain you through all the emotional stress you will be dealing with....get whatever exercise in that you want that you enjoy....
Maybe change tack and get into calming walks, Yoga, Pilates or Tai Chi, download meditation guides and take time out to clear and REST that over active brain of yours that is skewed with negativity and impossibility - be persistent with this as your mindset will be resistant to this.....eventually though it will Thank you and you will get some peace away from the ever present negative dialogue that is going on in your mind.
I DO wish you all the best...and so do many, many others here....those that have reached out to you with help a Hell of a lot more than me.....You really have been truly blessed to have this forum....I would have loved the kind of feedback and help you are getting now when I was at my crossroads.0 -
Thank you again. Staying away from here will be hard I'll be that much more alone and in my own head but your right. Although this brought a lot to the surface I should really slow it down. I will still be here hopefully just not such a pain to you all. Exercise: funny you bring that up I went back to trail running yesterday not sure if I was trying to punish myself or what but in the end I was feeling pretty good about my ability to finish what I set out to do. I'm not sure when I stopped doing some of the things I really enjoyed and started putting everyone and everything above myself but I have to remember that I am important.
Well really thank you so much.
I was ready to give up yesterday but today I am willing to accept the road ahead of me.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life but it doesn't mean things can't change moving forward
I will defeat the monster.
Love you all
Patti
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superhockeymom wrote: »Ok so just to give an example of how this works and why last night I just decided it needs to change. First off yes we are a crazy busy family so yes nights when we can eat a "normal" meal are rare but I am trying. Last night menu.
Steak tips
Rice pilaf
Corn
Cresant rolls
Cauliflower (me)
Apple sause
Time 7:45
Oldest and husband come in from practice 7:43 oldest needs shower ok but quick
Youngest not home yet still at girlfriends text him 2x call him finally answers he was sleeping. " mom please can you pick me up and bring me to Grammies to bring in her trash barrels". Ok so now I leave.
Husband and oldest son eat why not they are home and hungrey
Finally get home with youngest 8:25
He eats only steak ( not hungrey) husband in now watching Hockey game
Oldest son working on homework
Youngest goes to do his homework.
I look at steak tips don't really like them and everything is kinda cold so I cook a piece of fish, warm up rice, cauliflower and corn and a roll. Clean up kitchen now it is 9:30. So there is my frustration even days we could potentially eat together we can't and they all eat different things actually last night was better for that because we all mixed and matched.
My day starts at 4:15 because I have to get my kids to practice before school so by 9:30 I'm pretty much ready to relax/ sleep. Ok vented.
It has nothing to do with me wanting to have my family not see what I eat. My Dinner is always a great meal, filling well rounded. I could only hope they would learn to eat a dinner that.
Things I would have done different, to make my life easier.
- Cook one meal. Like steak, cauliflower, corn. That's it. No need to have several options, side dishes etc.
- No kid goes anywhere (girlfriend, other friends etc) when there is homework to be done.
- Especially kids who are supposed to go to practice before school, so wake up really early, do not get to return home at 8:25 and then start homework. Not happening.
- No kid goes anywhere when expecting me to pick him/her up, without me first agreeing to it. Except emergencies obviously. Sleeping at girlfriend's is not an emergency.
- If we are going to eat dinner as a family, this will not be postponed because one kid needs a drive all of a sudden. He can wait until after I had dinner.
- If I am the one waking up at 4:15, I am not the one going to pick up the kid from his girlfriend. Either husband goes, or husband will be the one waking up at 4:15.
- No one gets out of the kitchen until leftovers are cleaned, dishes are in the dishwasher.
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If you are not eating more and adding trail running....yep, just another example of your disease at work.
You are going to kill yourself someday. Those boys will have no mother and an absentee father because of your desire to be perfect and thin above everything else.
You sure how to kick someone when there down. I'm taking deep breaths and moving on.
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OP why did you close your diary?0
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WinoGelato wrote: »OP why did you close your diary?
Because I felt people were attacking me and defending myself over and over was getting tiring.
I closed it back on Tuesday, I believe, and I posted that if you asked I would be honest but having every person looking and judging was not helpful. Yes there are those here that have opinions I really do care about but there are others that simply judge.
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Patti, I believe in you. Tell us what you're having for dinner with your family next week. Did the kids pick something?0
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Let's see. Pot roast that's an easy one for busy day and one of my favorites probably with carrots and egg noodles.
Pulled pork again crock pot with baked apples and some kinda veggie(mostly for me) cucumber for the boys.
Spicy chicken on rice my youngest's favorite we will have when the oldest is at work he hates it.
So that's 3 and I'm done the rest of the week probably burgers and whatever
Tonight is pizza0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP why did you close your diary?
Because I felt people were attacking me and defending myself over and over was getting tiring.
I closed it back on Tuesday, I believe, and I posted that if you asked I would be honest but having every person looking and judging was not helpful. Yes there are those here that have opinions I really do care about but there are others that simply judge.
That's certainly your prerogative to keep your diary closed and I can understand why you might have thought people were judging your choices. However I'm concerned about the timing of closing it, right after committing to your goals to net at least 1200 cals and cut out the wine, plus then adding in trail running, which is going to create an even bigger deficit, which means you need to be eating MORE. Ultimately you are only accountable to yourself in all of this so it's your choice obviously.
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superhockeymom wrote: »Let's see. Pot roast that's an easy one for busy day and one of my favorites probably with carrots and egg noodles.
Pulled pork again crock pot with baked apples and some kinda veggie(mostly for me) cucumber for the boys.
Spicy chicken on rice my youngest's favorite we will have when the oldest is at work he hates it.
So that's 3 and I'm done the rest of the week probably burgers and whatever
Tonight is pizza
That all sounds really good. Now what about setting some ground rules with those boys about being home at a set time and getting involved in the prep and clean up?
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WinoGelato wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »Let's see. Pot roast that's an easy one for busy day and one of my favorites probably with carrots and egg noodles.
Pulled pork again crock pot with baked apples and some kinda veggie(mostly for me) cucumber for the boys.
Spicy chicken on rice my youngest's favorite we will have when the oldest is at work he hates it.
So that's 3 and I'm done the rest of the week probably burgers and whatever
Tonight is pizza
That all sounds really good. Now what about setting some ground rules with those boys about being home at a set time and getting involved in the prep and clean up?
Yes, many hands make light work.
At first, they may get in your way, and not do things exactly to your liking, but overall it should be more positive if everyone is pitching in.
My parents did my sister no favors by letting her get away with her "I have homework" excuse her entire life. And now she has two boys and I don't see them helping her much.
When cooking at Mom's, I work well with her, and involve my brother by having him do things like grate carrots, chop veggies, set the table, wash dishes, etc.0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »Let's see. Pot roast that's an easy one for busy day and one of my favorites probably with carrots and egg noodles.
Pulled pork again crock pot with baked apples and some kinda veggie(mostly for me) cucumber for the boys.
Spicy chicken on rice my youngest's favorite we will have when the oldest is at work he hates it.
So that's 3 and I'm done the rest of the week probably burgers and whatever
Tonight is pizza
Sounds good!0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »Let's see. Pot roast that's an easy one for busy day and one of my favorites probably with carrots and egg noodles.
Pulled pork again crock pot with baked apples and some kinda veggie(mostly for me) cucumber for the boys.
Spicy chicken on rice my youngest's favorite we will have when the oldest is at work he hates it.
So that's 3 and I'm done the rest of the week probably burgers and whatever
Tonight is pizza
That all sounds really good. Now what about setting some ground rules with those boys about being home at a set time and getting involved in the prep and clean up?
Yes, many hands make light work.
At first, they may get in your way, and not do things exactly to your liking, but overall it should be more positive if everyone is pitching in.
My parents did my sister no favors by letting her get away with her "I have homework" excuse her entire life. And now she has two boys and I don't see them helping her much.
When cooking at Mom's, I work well with her, and involve my brother by having him do things like grate carrots, chop veggies, set the table, wash dishes, etc.
That I will have to work on at some point.
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I'm posting this because I just wanted to let you all know I will be around but not very vocal . I am going to try my best to not post any additional threads for a bit My diary will remain closed for the time being if you really have to know message me and I will send you a screen shot.
I appreciate all the advise and time people have given me. I have been knocked down about as low as I can go and it's up to me to pick myself back up and make the changes I need to make.
Thanks again
Keep up the good work/ advise
Patti
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I sincerely wish you the best, Patti! Eat well and stay healthy
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What about getting your family involved with dinner? Have 1 kid pick a night for dinner AND dishes, your other kid pick another, your husband the third. Then you all would be sharing the chore of dinner time. Set a reasonable time for your family-schedule pending of course-and say this is dinner. That way there will be no more 'pick me up' calls. No, this is dinner. It will be hard at first, and there will be a few nights where someone 'forgets'...but then you guys dont eat. Nagging and complaining will help them remember next time. Tough love. Teenagers will quickly learn when they get hungry to not 'forget' their cooking night. Also, maybe put the dinner schedule on the fridge so everyone can see it. No excuses then. Just a suggestion. At 10, my oldest has a night that he makes dinner for everyone.
I also make him try one new thing for every year old that he is. I do the same for my youngest. One meal, and that is it. I do not have time to do it otherwise. Good luck!0
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