weight loss and its effect on a relationship
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I guess there is a pattern here:
1. If wife works out a lot (and husband does not), husbands are more or less supportive - obviously, they could be lured by increasing degree of "hotness" in their counterparts.
2. If husband works out a lot (and wife does not), wifes do tend to have a negative approach towards it. I don't know whethere they see anything positive coming out of it or not, but surely see it as a waste of time or "attention to them" compromised.
I pray and wish I am wrong here and that it is not a general trend. It's just a personal view and no offense meant to either gender...0 -
The first time I lost weight. I felt wonderful and felt that my boyfriend was going to love this. Well, he didn't.. he would get mad when he would make something with lots of calories and I wouldn't eat it. He would always say "you can have a little bite". After all the fights over food and being tired of the fighting I gave in. I gained all plus 100 pounds back and he was happy again and I was miserable. We are no longer together and I have lost all my weight. I also found out why he was so unhappy, he liked big women. Hang in there but you have to do what you have to do to stay healthy. Good Luck!0
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@muth3rluvx2: great insight. Totally agree. I guess I need to do my bit more for my "Sexy" one...
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Gosh, I understand my husband lost a great deal of weight a few years ago and he looked great. Everyone was telling him all the time and he was proud of himself. Rightfully so, but I was jealous. I am sure that I was not as encouraging as I should have been to him. I did not tell him that he wouldn't stick to it or anything, but I wasn't a cheerleader for him either.
That is ashame because he did gain it back and if I had been more encouraging like he is with me maybe he would not have. I know that I would eat and purchase things that he wasn't to eat to maintain, but I didn't consider his needs.
I believe one blogger said better than I when she said that men never resent their wives looking sexy. I agree I know all women no matter how secure their marriage worry about their husband straying. "Why would he want to be with fat me when he looks good and can get a thinner woman?" I feel very secure in our marriage, but those thoughts did enter my mind a few times over the years. If I really am honest it is because I didn't think that I deserve him, not that he was even tempted to stray.0 -
You said it "you have lost weight and she hasn't." She is probably feeling jealous and this might make her feel a bit depressed. This may be why she is lashing out at you, out of her own frustrations. Try and get her on board with a program herself and once she starts to see progress in herself she might ease up on you. I hope that helps, I wish you well.0
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My husband has been very supportive and has even started to slowly change his eating habits. He needs to loose about 30 lbs. I do try to make sure he has his favorite food even if I do not eat them. I want him to know I still love him even though I am loosing weight. If he wants a pizza, I get the kind he wants then a healthy one for me. Find ways to "exercise" together that seem like they are not - take a romantic walk, go dancing, etc. I also agree that she feels insecure and maybe fees that you are looking so good you may leave. Find ways to show her you still love her just the way she is - send her flowers, take her out for a special dinner, etc. You may find that she will jump on the health band wagon like my husband is slowly doing.0
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I think I know what's happening here. She is scared. She is afraid that if you continue to lose and she does not, you will leave her or lose interest in her. I have felt sorta the same way recently. My husband has had great success, while me--not so much. I do not resent him. I truly am happy for him, but I do worry that he will look at me and think "I can do so much better than that". Think this might be part of what's going on??0
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I can imagine that is very frustrating. But try to remember that it is likely a combination of fear (that the new you will think she is not good enough) and jealously (that you have accomplished something she has not yet been able to). As frustrated as you are, she is probably equally so, but for different reasons. Give her love and assurance and focus on how much better you feel and much healthier you are. But don't let her derail you!! Once she's is sure that the new you is not a threat she will likely relax and might even follow suit. Good luck to you both!0
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My boyfriend... well, ex boyfriend now, hated that I was losing weight.
He's always been... uhm, bigger, I guess. His BMI is like the top end of overweight, almost obese. But I never forced him to lose weight or even suggested it, I was 100% happy with him.
Before I started losing weight, I was just a bit overweight and he would always say that I could do with losing some weight but I never did, but you don't tell your slightly overweight girlfriend she needs to lose weight when you're almost considered obese!
But anyway, I started losing weight (for myself, not him) and he didn't like it. It made him feel self conscious and he blamed me for that, saying it was my fault for losing weight.
In the end, he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Because I lost weight. I can't help but find it funny.0 -
The previous times I lost weight I did so by myself, this time we are doing it together and it is much easier as we work out together and eat the same things, plus we can bounce of each other if we are frustrated or struggling.
Weight loss is such a life changing journey I think you have to walk that road together as at the end of it you will be different people otherwise.0 -
Hubby has always been fit, always ate the right foods and exercised... I mean 45 years of ALWAYS. He can wear his wedding suit. I on the other hand have been in awe of this and also in denial. I give him his space and his food. By his example he probably has saved me in some manner. I am secretly more careful than some of my friends who have a partner in crime that eats everything, anytime, anywhere. Believe me my admiration MIGHT BE JEALOUSLY as I have resisted his way of life for so long. In the back of my mind I know he is right. It is obvious HE IS RIGHT. I finally came to his way of thinking, a few pounds right now, but hopefully it will all come off by the end of the year.
You have to remember than men seems to lose weight faster. A lovely sore point. So I can watch him if he accidentally goes up a pound or two, come right down. I see him exercise with ease. Another sore point, because I am not as agile, in shape, and frankly I HATE EXERCISE. I get all kinds of bored. He even gave me a gym membership and HE WENT ALONE, or I went and taked to everyone exercising while watching them do it.
I think the key is: BY Example, and by quiet encouragement, it will work on your loved one. A compliment, a rose, something from out of the past, A DATE.
i AM THE POSTER CHILD FOR RESISTANCE. FINALLY, I saw this website by chance and thought, WHY NOT. When others do well yes, I am concerned why them and not me. But if I hang on JUST A BIT LONGER... mE TOO.
OF COURSE I have another problem..... the friends... who try to stuff me... wave food in my face... tell me... oh it is a special ocasion-ocassion-occasion... (need a spell checker). It all comes down to persistance and believe that you can succeed.0 -
I can relate to this..When I started in January and was going to the gym EVERYNIGT for 2 hours and watching everything I ate, I noticed a change in him...he stopped telling me I looked good and started telling me thing s like..WEll youcould be thinner if maybe you worked harder. I asked him to go to the gym with me and he said NO he didnt need it ( UUUMMMYES HE DOES) so I just continued to take care of my self and when I had reached my 20 lb weight loss and people were starting to see it and make comments he got worse !never once to this day have I heard him say GOOD JOB LORI..or YOUR LOOKING GOOD..NOTHING all I ever hear is how good other women are looking...I think he is jealous . Its like he didnt want me to be overweight so Idid something about it and now he doesnt want me to get rid of it either ! so I have learned YOU will never please anyone BUT yourself and YOU are the most important so ROCK ON ! keep working out and feeling great about yourself !!!
Best of Luck to you !!!!!0 -
Lets just say I've very thankful for MFP. This journey for me has not been as easy one at home. Even friends and family have not been as supportive as I would have hoped. Everyone want me to lose weight, but no one wants to be 'inconvenienced' by my change in eating and exercise. I am reminded often that my 'diet' is changing our social life.0
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Thanks guys! You're all so supportive!
My wife works out as well but with two kids it is tough for us to get to the gym and do it together. I try to go to the gym after everyone is in bed so that I am not ignoring anyone but that is tough, too.
The thing that upsets me, is before I started losing weight, she used to tell me how I "shouldn't eat that" or never bought anything healthy, etc. Now its the opposite, lol.
I appreciate everyone's advice and will try to make more time to do things together instead of distancing myself, which is my natural tendency.0 -
Thanks guys! You're all so supportive!
My wife works out as well but with two kids it is tough for us to get to the gym and do it together. I try to go to the gym after everyone is in bed so that I am not ignoring anyone but that is tough, too.
The thing that upsets me, is before I started losing weight, she used to tell me how I "shouldn't eat that" or never bought anything healthy, etc. Now its the opposite, lol.
I appreciate everyone's advice and will try to make more time to do things together instead of distancing myself, which is my natural tendency.
Definitely don't distance yourself. Open up and talk to her. More distance is not what you two need right now. You guys can work through this, I know it. Just talk. And encourage her to talk to you when she's feeling bothered by something -- in turn, you need to make an effort to really listen and talk with her, not always offering solutions for things she should do (because that can be infuriating if she's just venting and not looking for advice), but just being there for her and letting her know you support her. 0 -
Luckily my wife and I are in this together, and having quite a bit of success here in the early going. We both know that it's important for us to adopt a healthy lifestyle.
Hang in there! I'm sure you understand how important this is to you, so do your best to keep going. I'm sure she'll get on the bandwagon here soon!0 -
This thread really hits home with me...I am going through the beginnings of divorce/dissolution proceedings with my wife partially because of the weight loss and life style change. There is a lot more to it than this singular issue and I won't bore with gory details, but in terms of the weight loss, it is really what put it over the edge from contemplation to action.
My wife has type 2 diabetes and is is approximately 110 pounds overweight. One of the reasons I started my fitness journey was to be a silent example and hope that she picked up on what I am doing and would start herself. I won't cajole or push her to do this. She has to want to do it. My fitness goals quickly changed from being an example to her and hoping that she keyed in on that and started (to save her life and get her off meds) to really enjoying how I look, how I feel, and how much more I can do to improve.
She doesn't want to hear about my workouts, or what I am eating, or little NSVs, or even how much I weigh when the scale goes down. She has made it clear that she doesn't like to sweat and that exercise is inconvenient. To me, this journey is about who I am and not where I am going. See my Chinese proverb below..."The Journey Is The Reward"...I live that everyday.
As far as I am concerned, her and I are on different life paths and the fitness journety is probably only the most glaring example of that...It saddens me after 19 years of marriage and 3 beautiful daughters that it has come to this, but she isn't happy and neither am I. Thanks for the opportunity to get this down in words...0 -
I get the exact same thing. My wife tells me constantly I am wasting my time ... spending too much time training and eating properly. She NEVER says you look good .. great job .. never pays me any compliments. Makes me feel bad sometimes.
Argues with me to get me to stay home from the gym etc .... not cool ...
I can so see a before and after difference in the photos you have posted also those that live with us or see us daily rarely notice the change unless it becomes drastic or some one of the opposite sex begin to notice you too lol.0 -
I feel very lucky that my husband has been and is very supportive. I do know that as my weight got higher and higher it did affect our marriage and intimate life. We have been through tough times and it would take a bit more than just my weight to end our marriage, although there were many times I felt that I didn't deserve him staying with me. Luckily we both enjoy a healthier lifestyle.0
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This thread really hits home with me...I am going through the beginnings of divorce/dissolution proceedings with my wife partially because of the weight loss and life style change. There is a lot more to it than this singular issue and I won't bore with gory details, but in terms of the weight loss, it is really what put it over the edge from contemplation to action.
My wife has type 2 diabetes and is is approximately 110 pounds overweight. One of the reasons I started my fitness journey was to be a silent example and hope that she picked up on what I am doing and would start herself. I won't cajole or push her to do this. She has to want to do it. My fitness goals quickly changed from being an example to her and hoping that she keyed in on that and started (to save her life and get her off meds) to really enjoying how I look, how I feel, and how much more I can do to improve.
She doesn't want to hear about my workouts, or what I am eating, or little NSVs, or even how much I weigh when the scale goes down. She has made it clear that she doesn't like to sweat and that exercise is inconvenient. To me, this journey is about who I am and not where I am going. See my Chinese proverb below..."The Journey Is The Reward"...I live that everyday.
As far as I am concerned, her and I are on different life paths and the fitness journety is probably only the most glaring example of that...It saddens me after 19 years of marriage and 3 beautiful daughters that it has come to this, but she isn't happy and neither am I. Thanks for the opportunity to get this down in words...
Love what you wrote, big hugs, hope this made you feel better. I think your journey is amazing, you inspire me and many others I know with how genuine and open you are about your new venture. I am sorry you do have to go through this, your wife really should make the effort for herself, but exactly like you said she has to want it you can make kind suggestions and lead by example which is great for her and for your daughters to see this too since they themselves may become diabetic but your wife truly has to come to it in her own time when she is ready, she will someday I think.
I know it took me forever, I knew something was needing to get done, it took too long to figure out what, how, reading, learning about how to eat correctly and exercise, one little baby step, after the other till I got it, in my head, them from my head to putting into daily practice was an entirely different thing, knowing and doing coordinated ha not so easy, but I would try, try , try and finally it clicked. I had to want it for myself as a way I wanted to live not to fix my weight, my diabetes, my physical appearance or make some guy notice me, nope it had to just be something that as a bonus lead to all that and it had to be something I would do for the rest of my life that I could live with.
I had the same problem my ex would bring candy home, pizza, wings, junk galore right at the beginning of every single diet and
never support me, and he isnt fit but not huge either, and he has no immediate health issues so he never cared, my life suposedly didnt impact his but his actions impacted mine, so finally I said no more, I had to fight the enemy and get my life back, even if that included leaving him to get away from the negative behaviours and surround myself with those of like mind.0 -
I'm guessing it may be frustration on your wifes part more than anything, maybe some fear too especially if she is also trying to lose weight but it's not happening as quick. Try involving her in exercise and healthy cooking whenever possible and as hard as it seems at the moment make sure you compliment her often for anything, doesn't have to be her appearance. I'm guessing she may be a bit fearful of the future if you are spending so much time training and suddenly dropping KG's everywhere! Us women have suspicious minds and qute often it runs away with us. Re-assure her that you are doing it for you two, nobody or nothing else and you would love her to get involved so you can celebrate victories together.
You obviously know her better than us, try doing sports/activities she enjoys too. Good luck!0 -
This really hit home with me. My getting fit has greatly affected my 22 year marriage. He is nowhere on the same page as far as be healthy is concerned. Sometimes I thinks he eats poorly just to spite me. I shouldn't have to rely on my friends to tell me how great I look AND I shouldn't have to prompt my husband for a compliment. I have had the "come to Jesus" talk but he keeps going back to his old ways. It gets old having to revisit the subject every few months. Yes, I have changed and my needs have changed. I've told him in every way I know how...I'm at a loss at this point. He's a great person and father but I don't feel like I'm a priority. I could go on and on but at this time I feel like we are roommates and not husband and wife.0
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You should suggest that she should exercise with you. Maybe do something together like tennis or swimming? My boyfriend is not supportive nor is he totally against me trying to lose weight. He loves me the way I am and the way I already look... he loves the curves! He doesn't want me to lose that, but I want to get into a "normal" BMI range, so he understands its for health reasons. I've tried getting him to work out with me but his job is physical labor as it is, so he doesn't want to kill himself at work and then later at the gym. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I would just straight up communicate and tell her that her negativity is hurting you and that she should be supportive. Remind her of a time when you were supportive of her and maybe she'll come around.0
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My boyfriend didn't care about exercising or eating healthy. He would eat whatever he wanted and as much as he wanted, while I sat there, measuring all of my food, counting calories, etc. We'd drive by McDonald's and I'd be like "ughh that sounds sooo good!" and he'd say let's go then...that'd make me so bad b/c I couldn't eat it. He said he just wanted to make me happy. I finally told him that eating there would make me happy while eating it, but by not eating it, I'll be a lot happier in the long run. He understands now, and loves going to the gym with me, eats healthier, drinks only water now, and he even wants to start clean eating. He still says some things that drives me crazy like you aren't fat! You don't need to lose weight! i know he's trying to be nice and boost my confidence up while i put myself down, but sometimes it drives me crazy! lol
Maybe invite your wife to go work out with you (and it doesn't have to be the gym, play tennis, go hiking, ride bikes), or go grocery shopping together, and show here that healthy food is good food!
Good luck!0 -
My wife and I support each other through these journeys...
She is slim, beautiful and very sexy so she doesn't have much weight to lose - but she is wanting to tone up.
Me on the other hand was over twice her weight.
Pretty much my whole life I have been conditioned to eat unhealthily - when I lived with my parents, they would buy me microwave burgers for breakfast etc Loads of cakes, chocolates etc too - this was fine when I was at collage as I walked quite a bit, but when I started working full time, I really piled the pounds on!
My mother has had angina, a stroke and a quadrouple heart bypass.
My father has had a heart attack and a quadrouple heart bypass.
No matter what people would say, I saw losing weight as a problem; a long term solution for something that I wanted a short term fix for.... I would say "If only they'd remove all this fat i'd then keep it off and eat better" - never "Let's work on it and kick it before I have a heart attack".
Simple short walks were avoided.
What motivated me into making this change?
I saw a movie called The Way with Emilio Estivez and Martin Sheen. I don't know why, but this film touched me and I saw walking as being wonderful. I now had a goal; enjoy life and see things I hadn't seen before from not walking.
I decided to stop making excuses about my weight. Stop feeling sorry for myself and actually do it!
My wife still thinks that I have alterior motives and that I want to get slim to find someone else (My own fault, I hurt her before) - but that really isnt the case. I want US to live a long and happy life together. We've been through too much together and I don't want me to have a heart attack and hurt her more. I want to do all I can to make sure my weight is never a reason for my esteem issues - I want my weight to never be an excuse again to not do things. I want to go horse riding with my wife and enjoy all the things this world can offer together.
Yes she motivates me.
Yes I motivate her.
However, I am putting off seeing my parents. Not seen them since Xmas. Why? They never have positive things to say about the things I do. It would destroy all I am doing if I went there and they said "I thought you said you have lost weight?". So I am steering clear even though my sister has just given birth. Maybe i'll see them once I hit my goal weight of 252lbs...0 -
I've had moments where I feel that way towards my sweetie, it's not fair that he can lose 15 lbs in 2 weeks, but I don't try to sabotage him, I just tell him good job. Everyone gets jealous once in a while. But if I'm not happy with me I have to do something about it, it's not his problem.
When I lost weight before he used to say that he was gaining what I was losing to tease me...lol. He honestly doesn't like a lot of fitness stuff, he used to lift weights a long time ago, and wants to start to again. Since he is in the middle of a workmans comp case, he's waiting until he's cleared to go back to full duty. I've suggested less beer and more walking to him, but I know that sometimes weight loss is something you need to do for yourself. It's also something that your partner should be proud of, rather than jealous of.
Your wife should be saying wow, I get to show you off to my friends, look at how handsome my husband is.0 -
My ex-girlfriend would occasionally give me a hard time about gaining weight and not exercising, but then when I started exercising and eating better she just complained that I didn't have as much time to spend with her and I never wanted to do any of the things we used to do together (unhealthy things like going out partying).
Let's just say that didn't work out.0 -
It's very hard for people who haven't started their journey yet. I know I call it a journey and it sounds silly but it is and it's the only way I can explain it. I wasn't ready for it and I dissed people for trying to lose weight and go on and on about it all the time (even though they weren't it seemed that way). Then I visited some friends who had all started their journey and they were my thinspiration!!!
I started there and then because I was ready. I think your wife needs to see how easy it is and how fun it can be, but it also unfortunately has to be when she is ready. It's a difficult one but does she have any friends that have lost some weight recently that she can be inspired from? (I find men make it look too easy) NOT celebrities on the latest diet craze but real stories... like MFP?
hope this helps...0 -
My wife works out as well but with two kids it is tough for us to get to the gym and do it together. I try to go to the gym after everyone is in bed so that I am not ignoring anyone but that is tough, too.
This jumped out at me. I'm not NOT NOT NOT trying to attack you here. But does she get to go out once the kids are in bed? Can you offer that opportunity if you haven't yet? I guess I would feel resentful if my husband went to the gym after the kids were in bed and I didn't feel like I ever got the chance. [I'd probably speak up about it, but that's just me...]0 -
It's a jealously thing on top of anything else. She is concerned about your attractiveness in comparison to her own on a subconscious level at least. You increasing your attractiveness, thus increasing the likelyhood of attracting another woman, will effect your relationship with your current woman....it's just the way their brains are wired (men are wired that way, too...but it works out differently for us). This may motivate your mate to become more attractive herself, or it may....not. Yours sounds like the latter. My wife is that way, too.
So my advice is to make VERY sure you give her attention maybe than you normally would, so that she remains confident in your relationship and doesnt start to think you are going to go off catting around with other women. In a way, it's more important that you are supportive of HER than she is supportive of YOU. I know that sounds odd....but I'm in the same boat as you are with my wife, and making sure I stay conscious of her self-consciousness and act accordingly has been very helpful.0
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