I WANT TO DIE!

I lost my twins and I can't take the pain!

On May 29th I was rushed to the hospital at 3am and I lost my twin babies.:sad: I was one week shy of being 5months pregnant. I don't understand what happed I took care of myself and did everything in my power to have healthy babies and for some reason I lost them.

I'm so angry at the doctor that I called for help and answers I can't help but think my babies would be here if it weren't ofr him. Since it was my first pregnancy I didn't know what I was feeling all I know is I had bad pain. I was feeling pain in my lower abdomen then it would go to my back and down my legs leaving my legs feeling weak. I told him this and I feel he was more interested in going back to sleep than helping me out (I called at 12:30midnight) He sait it was round ligament pain and that I would feel this. I kept trying to expalin my pain telling him this has never happened before and that it kept getting stronger and he kept cutting me off. He told me it could be my body trying to miss carry or my uterus trying to open so I asked should I rush my self to the hospital and he said no just rest don't do a thing if it still hurts take tylenol ok bye and just like that he hung up on me!

After hanging up I had the pain again and my husband said take the tylenol so you can get some rest. I thought well I must be over reacting or just nervous since it's my first time stilll I didn't feel right and thought of all the reading I had done and I thought they were contractions not even 5min latter the pain got worst! I got up to pee and could bearly walk I went to pee and all of a sudden I head a ploop on the toilet and I thought...OH MY GOD MY BABIES!! I got up to look in the toilet and didn'd see a babie I saw what I think was my mucus plug then my water broke and I started to bleeding it all happened so fast. I started screaming and freaking out I just wanted to get to a hospital and try to save my babies.

We left our home so quickly, we didn't notice that I had passed one of my twins (I'm crying)we wanted to get there and save them. The ride seemed so long even though my husband was driving as fast as he could, I keept crying and saying "no" "God please help us" my husband even though he was scared was trying to comfort me telling me we were almost there and it would be ok.

When I got there I was imediatly addmited and I keept bleeding I have never seen so much blood or been trough anything so traumatic my body was shaking and my mouth was shatering I could not control it. It hurt so much and I ended up needing oxygen and falling over. It was all so bad that my husband thought he was not only loosing his babies but he thought I was gonna die. After a while of being there with non stop pain a doctor said I was dialated and that I had passed one of our twins he then told us that I was having a misscarrige and he was sorry.

My husband and I just looked at each other and broke down crying, it was horrible! I keept having that terrible pain and I keept bleeading soking my clothes and constantly soaking bed sheats they gave me Morphine for the pain but it did not help, I felt everything! then they wanted to do an ultra sound to check on the other twin they tought babie "B" was still inside me and my husband and I hoped they could save babie "B" after the ultra sound they asked if we were sure I was ppregnant with twins and wen was the last time we had seen two babies and two heart beats we told them that it had been a week ago and everything was fine. Then they told us they couldn't find babie "B" and it might be vanishing twin syndrome and that my body could have absorbed the babie. we were like not possible we saw the babie a week ago so they ordered another ultra sound and they said I wasn't passing the plasenta and they were not seeing babie "B" so they might have to do surgery to go in and get all the other stuff out. My huusband went home to get me some clothes and when he went to the bathroom to pee he discovered babie "B" on our bathroom floor he almost passed out and steped out sad on the bed and called his friend to go in and make sure, he didn't know if it was tissue or a babie and if it was our babie he didn't want to see it like that. It was "B"! and my husband called and rushed to the hospital so that they wouldn't cut me open he got there just in time! They told him whatever he had found he had to turn it in. He did. I over heard a phone call and I asked the nurse what was going on. She told me and I told her I wanted to see my babie she said no your husband said don't let her see it. I argued with her and told her I needed to see whatever it was she finally said ok its your desicion. She brought out my babie in a little container filled with some kind of clear liquid Oh God... My babie was beautifull! It was fully developed. It had it's little feet arms fingers and toes complete it had blue eyes and a very pointy little nose a small mouth as a mother I just wanted it to make sure it was ok and didn't even think of the sex, forgot to look It didn't matter they were our babies and we loved them.

After that I had to get a DNC and then they took me to recovery. Babie "A" I passed in the ER I felt my babie and it got stuck on me the doctor had to help get my babie out then he just put it into a jar and covered it with a towel, I guess he didn't want us to see our babie all bloody.

I cant't help but think if I didn't listen to that STUPID Doctor who was so worried about going back to be. I would have gone to the ER like I had wanted to and My babies would still be here.

I feel so guilty 'cause I was their mother and could not protect them. I would give anything to have them with us. I'm so hurt and people don't understand they keep telling me to get over it and move on that latter I will have more. That still will never replace my twins. I know people mean well but that just hurts even more. I will never forget them and I will always love them. I want to die!!! I feel awfull and find no comfort as if that wasn't enough less then a week latter I was back in the ER for my Gallbladder turns out I had an attack and had an infection also had some heart complications and they found issues with my uterous. I was addmited and was in the hospital for almost 9days! I ended up having my gallbladder removed and I'm finally home! I can bearly walk and I'm in a lot of phisical and emotional pain.

I beg of you... If you have been through this before please help, some words of comfort.
How did you cope? what helped? I'm loosing it!