Fat people are invisible somehow.
Replies
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Yes, I agree. And I understand this, to be honest. Overweight isn't usually attractive. But it's much worse when people acknowledge you with disgust because of your size.
I'm 85kg and a size 16 right now, which is my highest weight, and I am indeed invisible to men. Apart from much older gentlemen and certain ethnic groups that tend to prefer a larger woman. Most men ignore me completely or look at me like I'm a beast.
A year or so ago when I was about a size 12 (70-75kgs) I was still getting rejected from guys that I found attractive, and just half-heartedly pursued by some others. In comparison, a few years ago I was a size 8/10, 59kgs and found myself constantly flirted with whilst out and about, and had many guys at my work asking me out etc.
So basically from this I can conclude that anything size 12 and over I am not particularly desirable. That's fine, I understand this, and even at a size 12 I wasn't happy with my own weight BUT what saddens me is, when I finally reach my goal weight of a size 8/10 again, how will I know that they guys who hit on me and want to date me, wouldn't be the same guys that would have ignored me and fat-shamed me when I was a size 12 and above???
I understand why most people have this response to an overweight woman. Overweight is generally not attractive, to either sex. At size 14 and 16, I've been ignored and also been looked at with disgust. I much prefer the former!
I understand why fat people are invisible, even though it's not really fair to ignore the 'person' inside the body. But that's life. That's part of what motivates us to do something about it. What I find hardest is that I'll never know if the guy I end up dating/marrying when I'm a size 10, would have looked at me in disgust if he'd known me when I was a size 16.
Ignoring subconsciously is not as bad as acknowledging with disgust.0 -
What I find hardest is that I'll never know if the guy I end up dating/marrying when I'm a size 10, would have looked at me in disgust if he'd known me when I was a size 16.
Ignoring subconsciously is not as bad as acknowledging with disgust.
I suspect as you get to know a guy, and you get to see how he treats others generally, in all sorts of social situations, you'll have a pretty good idea of what sort of person he is and how he might have reacted to the "former you."
Nice bump of 4-year old thread (seriously). Some will complain "zombie thread" and others will be happy that you didn't just start a new thread.0 -
I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.
I agree with this 100%.
When I was bigger, going to the clubs, I was always ignored. Guys did not pay attention to me AT ALL. I chalked it up to being overweight. But really, I was sooooooo self conscious and uncomfortable with myself. I had friends who were my size that got SO much attention from men, but I think it was because [unlike me] they were comfortable being bigger.
I get more attention now that I am 50lbs lighter but also because I feel better about myself.0 -
With men, it always starts with physical attraction. You'll often hear them comment on how they don't understand how big, fat guys get hot girls. They really don't get it! They can't imagine a woman even considering someone if she "could do better." It doesn't even enter their minds that she would care about who that man is more than his BMI. They never consider that maybe she couldn't do better, because he is an awesome guy. Men are so funny like that.Yes, I agree. And I understand this, to be honest. Overweight isn't usually attractive. But it's much worse when people acknowledge you with disgust because of your size.
I'm 85kg and a size 16 right now, which is my highest weight, and I am indeed invisible to men. Apart from much older gentlemen and certain ethnic groups that tend to prefer a larger woman. Most men ignore me completely or look at me like I'm a beast.
A year or so ago when I was about a size 12 (70-75kgs) I was still getting rejected from guys that I found attractive, and just half-heartedly pursued by some others. In comparison, a few years ago I was a size 8/10, 59kgs and found myself constantly flirted with whilst out and about, and had many guys at my work asking me out etc.
So basically from this I can conclude that anything size 12 and over I am not particularly desirable. That's fine, I understand this, and even at a size 12 I wasn't happy with my own weight BUT what saddens me is, when I finally reach my goal weight of a size 8/10 again, how will I know that they guys who hit on me and want to date me, wouldn't be the same guys that would have ignored me and fat-shamed me when I was a size 12 and above???
I understand why most people have this response to an overweight woman. Overweight is generally not attractive, to either sex. At size 14 and 16, I've been ignored and also been looked at with disgust. I much prefer the former!
I understand why fat people are invisible, even though it's not really fair to ignore the 'person' inside the body. But that's life. That's part of what motivates us to do something about it. What I find hardest is that I'll never know if the guy I end up dating/marrying when I'm a size 10, would have looked at me in disgust if he'd known me when I was a size 16.
Ignoring subconsciously is not as bad as acknowledging with disgust.
Older men are different, but young men, it all starts with sex. If they ask you out or even chat you up, they're wondering if you'll sleep with them, when you'll sleep with them, etc.
But Yes, the same guys who ask you out when you're thin probably wouldn't have when you were fat. Nature of the beast. If you ignore every man who is hitting on you because he wants to sleep with you, you will have to ignore them all.
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Unfortunately looks do count, especially in a club setting where most single women and men go to mingle with the opposite sex in hopes of hooking up for a night or a relationship. In this scenario looks are the only thing, at first. They are what attract people to one another. You cant look accross the room and say, "Ill be right back Jim, that girl has such amazing acedemic skills that I just have to get her number"... it's just not gonna happen. So while I feel your pain, I think the club is the wrong place to be judging how everyone else is judging people on their looks... its just the way it is.
Yeah, this is what I was going to say.
Also these kinds of situations help spark motivation to get to where you want to be, if that kind of attention is something you want to enjoy again. Although, I agree that sometimes confidence is a major factor.0 -
... it would be like going to the zoo and getting insulted when the Rhino's hump.... it' was gonna happen and you knew it!
Lol0 -
The nerve of people having preferences.
It's not an excuse to treat people poorly because of how they look, but the idea that all people "should" be equally attractive to all other people regardless of physical appearance just flies in the face of biology and nature.
I wonder how many of the people who think it is shallow to care about physical appearance don't care about the physical appearance of others. Probably close to zero.0 -
Before I started losing weight, I was ignored, invisible yet, except for the boobs. As I lose more weight, the boobs are becoming more of a prominent feature without a fat belly and my butt is perking up too. I'm still quite invisible when I go out with my friends, but at least if a guy does look at me, my tits are only for a few seconds and then up to my face.
To what another poster said, I think there is a certain size where you get ignored. You can be overweight but attractive, but men aren't going to hit on you unless there is that 'certain size'. From my experiences from my triple 0 friends to my size 26 friends, I have found that that if you are over a size 14, usually don't get hit on.0 -
It is more of a function of how we feel about ourselves not so much others. If you don't find yourself attractive you can be skinny or fat and you will not get any attention. Think about it from the other way, if you walk up to a group of people who will you be drawn to? The ones talking and laughing and interacting or those that have their head down and not saying much?
We are our own worse enemy and this comes through with our body language, people don't (think about yourself and how you are drawn or not drawn to someone) want to make the first move on someone who seems shut down.
Now that said, being over weight is for whatever reason looked at negatively in our society, many people have a problem with being with someone who is heavy, think it is engraved early on that fat=bad. And you will find people who won't be attracted to you if you are overweight, that said, there is people who don't think this way. Regardless you can get a long ways with the right body language and how you carry yourself etc...
Besides, even though as humans looks is what first attracts us to each other, it has very little to do with long term relationships. You can be crazy attracted to someone and that doesn't mean they are a fit for you long term. So, if someone doesn't give you the time of day, you probably shouldn't be with them any amount either. Don't give someone else something they don't give you.0 -
I have two male friends, both of whom look like male models. The ladies throw themselves at them, often pushing us average guys (invisible, maybe?) out of the way to do so. People are physically attracted to people who they find physically attractive.
Different strokes for different folks and all that....0 -
I made myself invisible without even thinking about it. I expected to be ignored so I unitentionally became the nonexistent fat chick. I mean, do you really want to be looked at when you're fat? I know I didn't. Did I appreciate any attention I got? Yes. Would I rather hide then have someone look at my fat *kitten* on the dance floor? Yes.
This is so true. But on the other hand, once I said to hell with it, who cares what anyone thinks, the reactions I got from others changed drastically. I don't treat myself like the fat woman now, so others don't treat me like one either. I get compliments from men and women. I get asked to dance. I get asked to go on hikes, bike rides, kayak trips, etc. Not because they're trying to push me to exercise but because they don't see me as anything but another friend who enjoys those things. I do agree there's often a difference in how larger people are treated. But many times (not always, but often) it's that way because of how we project ourselves.0 -
I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.
So much of this.
I also think despite the above re: confidence being true...there are certain clubs, bars, cliques, etc, that are just more body & image conscious and others that are way more fat-friendly. Same thing with certain clothing and hair styles also. Huge generalizations could be made here...but yeah0 -
I think the op is right. We are uncomfortable admitting it, but there is descrimination; people are treated differently depending on how they look. My 20-year-old daughter and her friends frequently get into nightclubs without paying a cover charge. One of her friends is overweight. A few weeks ago they all met at a club, entering at different times alone or in pairs. The overweight friend was the only one who was charged. It's sad. I don't even know what to do with the sadness I feel about this. 20 is such a tender age.0
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I think it's not only confidence but also my perception of other's actions and comments toward me.
60 pounds ago, if someone hit on me, or whistled at me I would've assumed they were being sarcastic & mean.
Now I assume they're serious. :laugh:
I used to overanalyze everything on social situations. I could *not* enjoy myself at all, even if I was full of liquid courage. Everything seemed like a personal attack. If I was walking on the sidewalk and someone walking toward me crossed the street, it wasn't because they had somewhere to go on the other side of the street, it was because I was fat. If someone let the door slam in my face, it wasn't because they didn't see me, it was because I was fat. If someone didn't talk to me at a party, it wasn't because I was being shy & standing next to the wall trying to blend in, it was because I was fat.
This is the same thing people do with all kinds of personal characteristics -- race, sexuality, religion, gender, etc. I've noticed my gay friends blame EVERYTHING bad that happens to them on the fact that they're homosexual. My brown & black friends blame it on racism. I blame it on being fat. We use those things as a crutch -- I guess as a way to not take accountability for what happens to us. Blame everything bad on something you have very little to no control over and everything good on something you have total control over. :laugh: Our minds play tricks on us.
These are all generalizaitons, of course, and I'm not denying that descrimination does happen by any stretch of the imagination! I just mean that a lot of times, our minds jump to that as the explanation when in reality, the situation had absolutely nothing to do with our physical appearance.
Bingo! Nail on the head. It is a vicious cycle, methinks. Someone will be mean or dismissive to you for being overweight, and suddenly you begin to suspect that all mean behavior toward you happens for the same reason.
I am trying to work on my inner as well as outer wellness, which includes letting go of as many of those little moments as possible.0 -
I was already married at my biggest, but I never lacked attention of men being 200+lbs. My weight distributes fairly evenly. Confidence. Confidence is everything.0
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This reminds me of when my mom started working a retail job in her '60s. She said to me: "You don't know what it's like being an older woman working with young people. Nobody even notices you -- like you're invisible!"
I said: "Oh, so it's like being a guy then?"
Attractive young women get lots of attention. The rest of us are, in fact, invisible. Personally I like it, but that's because I hate people.0 -
Not just invisible, but not taken seriously. Not taken it consideration. I've been on both ends of the weight scale, it's real unfortunately.0
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Being ugly does that. I am, along with being short and obviously women do not flock to me in the streets.
And right they are, I am not interested in people I find unattractive either.
No one is entitled to attention.0 -
It's a horrible thing...I have always been 'invisible', because I have always been overweight. It has gotten to where I rarely bother to put effort into my appearance, because what is the point? My fiancee helps, but after years of confidence-crushing rejection, it is going to take me a while to get to the point where I for once love myself and don't care about that petty sort of thing.0
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kajaknowers wrote: »I know its a confidence thing....I havent been clubbing after starting my weightloss journey and I know when I was this size I felt sexy but i just wanted to hear your opinions on the matter on how I society behaves around our looks x
I find it equally interesting to look at how we behave because of our looks and how we perceive society behaving. Are we assigning behavours and reactions to people and situations because that's the filter we're viewing them through?
Perception can be your personal twisted reality if you let it be despite what actual reality might be.0 -
kajaknowers wrote: »I know its a confidence thing....I havent been clubbing after starting my weightloss journey and I know when I was this size I felt sexy but i just wanted to hear your opinions on the matter on how I society behaves around our looks x
I find it equally interesting to look at how we behave because of our looks and how we perceive society behaving. Are we assigning behavours and reactions to people and situations because that's the filter were viewing them through.
Perception can be your personal twisted reality if you let it be despite what actually reality might be.
I bet you wouldn't say that to my face!!!0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »The nerve of people having preferences.
It's not an excuse to treat people poorly because of how they look, but the idea that all people "should" be equally attractive to all other people regardless of physical appearance just flies in the face of biology and nature.
I wonder how many of the people who think it is shallow to care about physical appearance don't care about the physical appearance of others. Probably close to zero.
^^^ this.
People have preferences and that's totally fine. Just because someone doesn't find you attractive due to your weight does not make them a bad person or a "b****rd". Thinking that all men are supposed to flock to you like they may do with your smaller friends is just a bit ridiculous. If they don't prefer a larger woman than they aren't going to hit on you, big deal! There are plenty of people who don't mind someone being more heavyset.0 -
It is true
Fat people are considered by most as not attractive
The self confidence but is partially true but there is that attraction
Just because a person is not attracted to you or me for that matter does not make them shallow. This idea that if a man or woman is attracted to a normal weight person and not a fat one makes them shallow is quite judgemental
I have been on both sides
Weighed over 300 pounds, now down to 12.5% body fat in the summer and 14% now during triathlon off season
There is a huge difference in how women treated me. We are talking casually meeting type scenarios
So yes. I agree. Fat people are unfortunately invisible to many. It was not a good feeling at all. I hated it.
Even business studies show attractive people are promoted more often. It is our society.
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A great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Yes. I never felt invisible, even at my heaviest. I do not hide--it just isn't my personality.
Of course looks matter, and weight as well as age...but being invisible is something much more complex. I know someone who was invisible in her teens, when she wasn't overweight. I know larger/older people who are incredibly vibrant and dynamic. Invisibility is something that people fall into accidentally, but at some point, it becomes a choice.
I have to laugh at the idea that people over 30 never date or go out...ha! Even if I were married, I would still go out dancing as much as possible.0 -
I am always laughing and having a great time. I had always been a big flirt, but a silly kind. I think I'm too outgoing to be invisible. I'm much too loud, lol0
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I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.
this is so true. my 300 lb friend gets all the dudes at the club, i **** you not. it has gotta be the boobs that go with it!
Great boobs definitely help. 0 -
I've felt like I've had the same level of visibility/invisibility at all sizes. I'm a blender and fine with it.0
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"Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
With men, it always starts with physical attraction. You'll often hear them comment on how they don't understand how big, fat guys get hot girls. They really don't get it! They can't imagine a woman even considering someone if she "could do better." It doesn't even enter their minds that she would care about who that man is more than his BMI. They never consider that maybe she couldn't do better, because he is an awesome guy. Men are so funny like that.Yes, I agree. And I understand this, to be honest. Overweight isn't usually attractive. But it's much worse when people acknowledge you with disgust because of your size.
I'm 85kg and a size 16 right now, which is my highest weight, and I am indeed invisible to men. Apart from much older gentlemen and certain ethnic groups that tend to prefer a larger woman. Most men ignore me completely or look at me like I'm a beast.
A year or so ago when I was about a size 12 (70-75kgs) I was still getting rejected from guys that I found attractive, and just half-heartedly pursued by some others. In comparison, a few years ago I was a size 8/10, 59kgs and found myself constantly flirted with whilst out and about, and had many guys at my work asking me out etc.
So basically from this I can conclude that anything size 12 and over I am not particularly desirable. That's fine, I understand this, and even at a size 12 I wasn't happy with my own weight BUT what saddens me is, when I finally reach my goal weight of a size 8/10 again, how will I know that they guys who hit on me and want to date me, wouldn't be the same guys that would have ignored me and fat-shamed me when I was a size 12 and above???
I understand why most people have this response to an overweight woman. Overweight is generally not attractive, to either sex. At size 14 and 16, I've been ignored and also been looked at with disgust. I much prefer the former!
I understand why fat people are invisible, even though it's not really fair to ignore the 'person' inside the body. But that's life. That's part of what motivates us to do something about it. What I find hardest is that I'll never know if the guy I end up dating/marrying when I'm a size 10, would have looked at me in disgust if he'd known me when I was a size 16.
Ignoring subconsciously is not as bad as acknowledging with disgust.
Older men are different, but young men, it all starts with sex. If they ask you out or even chat you up, they're wondering if you'll sleep with them, when you'll sleep with them, etc.
But Yes, the same guys who ask you out when you're thin probably wouldn't have when you were fat. Nature of the beast. If you ignore every man who is hitting on you because he wants to sleep with you, you will have to ignore them all.
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I hear you, but we aren't completely invisible. If you're fat and have a wonderful, outgoing personality then people seem to be able to look past your weight to a degree. However, if you are a shy fat girl, like me, good luck.0
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It's the way of the world. Fat/obese folks are not seen as attractive, so people turn a blind eye. It is unfair, but so is life.0
This discussion has been closed.
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