How to handle a spouse who doesn't want you to lose the weight?
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As this massive thread has established everyone responds differently to help (wanted or unwanted). Some need a nag, some just sometimes want a friendly/supportive nudge to come their way (ie not a nag), some respond badly to someone to interfering, some have a lightbulb moment. Everything people recommend is anecdotal and therefore whatever people suggest, it only works depending on the background and personality of people in question.
So with that in mind, just my two cents ok? Nothing personal.
All I can say is that I've been on both sides. I have never ever ever lost because of someone else. It has always been for me. When I first lost around 100lbs, from being 250lbs, I did all by myself. I had that lightbulb moment and no friend, family member, boyfriend pushed me to do it. I just one day realised I was too young and too fat and too unhealthy for this crap anymore (this was when I was 21).
Years later, after hanging up my long distance running obsession (i never enjoyed it, just means to an end) I put on 2 and a bit stone but met my husband, lived life with being fast and loose with my food intake and started drinking delicious wine again (part 1)0 -
(Part 2) (while still exercising but not as crazily) I eventually got flabby and upset with myself.
My husband who is a fit strapping Scotsman who is relaxed and yet motivation, eating well and normally seems to come naturally (and what I admire him for) felt so disconnected with my lack lustre diet and movement at one point. I always have an internal battle with my all or nothing nature. Only in my 30s have I learned moderation. Work was incredibly stressful (I was at one point out of a job) I couldn't bear having to diet again but I was cranky and miserable in my skin. All my doing, nothing to do with him. But I felt despondent and like I was a fat failure and while he'd fit in his gym sessions, I was stuck in this miserable vicious circle. I kind of was glad when he wanted to order pizza etc because it was just one day I didn't have to personally (again all my own negative psyche) feel guilty for eating crap while he was healthier.
Then one day, we had a normal day to day chat as we always do and he said, I always know, he loves me no matter what and what the hell size I am but if I need the help to refind my love for sport, to be fit, and be happy in my own skin for ME and no one else, he'll be there to support me and even eat what I eat or do exercise with me.
That's all I needed. There was no nagging, there was no "meh let you get on with you," it made me remember that we're partners in crime and when I or him needs some help or a little bit of a nudge we are there for each other.
Years later, I found the oomph to find and pursue sports I love - I know am in a professional roller derby league and I am a Mexican wrestler - my husband followed me into these sports once he saw how much fun they were! Sometimes finding a sport you love because it's fun and keeps you active is all that you need to get you moving and the lifestyle stuff falls into place. The hardest thing I find in my life is asking for help, some when the hubster just reminded me I've got a lifelong Baymax by my side to help me, that just made me feel like the only way is up! (Well mood and health not weight)
Anyways, Christ, sorry for the fricking epic post but I've been following this thread and I just wanted to contribute for what it's worth.
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jennifer_417 wrote: »Make changes for yourself and don't expect him to make changes just because you are. If you keep pestering him, the only thing you're likely to do is make him more likely not to make the changes you want. It's just human nature. He has to decide for himself that he wants to, and then when and how, he's going to make changes.
Is it hard to stand by and watch him make bad choice? Sure. Believe me, my mom is on dialysis now because she let her Diabetes run unchecked for lots of years. It didn't have to be this way. But she made her choices. It's been a major source of motivation in my own weight loss journey. But the fact is you have to let people make their own choices.
Agreed. I want to lose weight. My boyfriend is obese and does not want to. He eats junk food all the time. I just choose to ignore the foods he brings home and eat what I want. Sometimes, it's all you can do.
In the end, you make the decision for yourself and I know it isn't easy to eat well when there's temptation everywhere, but giving in won't help anything.
Sometimes I really wish my boyfriend would eat better and I've tried to help him in the past, but I just let him be now because you can't force someone to lose weight if they do not want to.0 -
You are responsible for you.
If you expect him to never order pizza, etc again because YOU are no longer eating it, then you are demanding him to change. Recipe for failure in more than just dieting.
Either ignore the food, find a suitable lower calorie substitute, or have a small portion that fits in your calories. (All of which show healthy options to your child)
You are responsible for you.
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thorsmom01 wrote: »
As far as the op and the conversation as to whether she should " nag" or not. I would not advise her to nag him.
I remember every single time that my husband brought up my weight. I'm sure he did it out of concern, but it backfired each time. Even when he would make it about health or fitness. I wasn't ready for change and the comments made me resent the idea even more.
People change when they are good and ready to. Change must come from within ones self. If and when ops husband is ready, he will. Otherwise those constant comments of concern may turn to resentment. Then that would likely push him further away from the idea .
Op- continue to do what you want and lead by example. You can do this without the support of your husband if needed. Make this all about you and bettering yourself. Maybe he will catch on once he sees all the positive changes and even if he never does , at least you accomplished it for yourself . we can't change loved ones , they must be ready and willing.
Augmenting the highlighted comments from my own perspective/experience ...- As the one who was nagged for years, I can say from my own experience ... don't. For me it led to more frustration and more overeating of crap food.
- There will eventually be a moment of self-revelation and self-determination, at which point he will be truly ready.
- And do so quietly and consistently. Don't be self-righteous about it.
Finally, don't get annoyed with your partner if/when he sees the light, and surpasses you. (Yes, this happened too)
Agreed0 -
@thorsmom01 I often sleep in the daytime so this fan helps "block" soundsthorsmom01 wrote: »Thank you both for answering my question. I will search for an app right now ! I seriously can't even sleep with my husband in the next room. ( he snores, coughs, gets up and down 55433344 times, and even walks around ),so even though we now have separate rooms , I'm still bothered by all his noise. I must sleep with a Tv on and a fan to try to drown out his noise. The tv is often annoying and the fan is cold! So yes I'm whining, but I haven't slept in 15 yrs so I deserve to whine and make this thread about ME now ! Lol ! ( sorry op, I really didn't want to derail your thread !)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HD0ELFK/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944687622&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00GFSF402&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1Z3DDK09Y7ZH6C4RC6EB0 -
Thank you !! I didn't sleep last night with the one I downloaded so will try this one !0
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It will be here on weds ( I have prime ) hopefully I will sleep weds night ! Thanks again0
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Jealous. My husband's not buying it. And he has restless leg syndrome too so it's a nightmare (although he hasn't done that in a while). I've spent a lot of nights in the recliner downstairs...0 -
So, OP, how were days two and three of your new journey?0
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
Maybe "I" statements would be better.
I was in a relationship with someone who, the first fall we lived together, warned me he had SAD. When late April rolled around, he was still mired in depression, which included some bizarre behavior, or inaction really. I told him all the options I knew that were available for depression (including seeing professionals who would have even more options) and that I was happy to be supportive, but, while I loved him, I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was unwilling to do anything for his mental health. He continued to not do anything, and I left. No nagging, no coaxing, just this is a bottom line issue for me.0 -
When it's all said and done, you can't make him lose weight. You can only control you. No matter how right you are.
If he's really trying to undermine you, then you have a different problem. But if the issue is that he's just no on board, ... don't try to force him. Losing weight is tough enough for one. Trying to be the willpower and conscience for two will burn you out REALLY fast.
Do your thing. If he joins you, great. If not, then that's the way it is.0 -
[quote="BuddhaB0y;34956399"]Ok just have to say.... It's through not threw!
Threw = I threw the ball
Through = I'm going through something
That said, you have to start making changes for yourself and not let him distract you. Hopefully he will come around as he sees you losing weight and want to join you. I have been having the same issue with my gf and she tries to make it sound like I want her to lose weight with me because I don't like the way she looks. For me it's about trying to live a healthier lifestyle together so we are both around to enjoy each other's company longer.
She seems to be coming around though and I'm optimistic we will do this together![/quote]
OMG! thank you0 -
lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
I would find that so condescending if my spouse told me that he was "nagging me for my own good".0 -
Well, sometimes the best way to encourage your spouse to change is to just change yourself. Try and ignore the treats, focus on what you CAN have instead of what you can't have. I was losing a lot of weight, but my husband didn't start changing his ways until it was really significant. I think he got worried about not matching my attractiveness level. Then I stalled, and he started eating less and working out, and BAM, now I'm the one who is worried because he is looking good these days. Wouldn't you know, I'm back on track? Lol. Sometimes a little spousal competition works.0
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I love this quote and find it incredibly inspirational...it seems to fit a lot of the advice given in this thread so take it as you will...
"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older, and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world. "
-Inscription on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abbey cir. 1100 A.D.0 -
I'm able to relate on a few levels. My husband has sleep apnea (which gets better when he's lower weight). He has the sleep machine and hates it. He refused to use it. He was going to get the surgery but ended up being rescheduled and never got around to it. In the meantime, his dentist recommended him some type of plate that he wears at night and it works. When he sleeps on his back he can still make a soft snoring noise but nothing like the wall shaking snoring he used to do.
Also, he carries extra weight from time to time. Sometimes he decides he wants to do something about it and does. But usually whenever I start eating better, his weight goes down without him even trying.
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Jealous. My husband's not buying it. And he has restless leg syndrome too so it's a nightmare (although he hasn't done that in a while). I've spent a lot of nights in the recliner downstairs...
Ugh. I have restless leg. Fortunately for my husband I find that sleep on the sofa with my legs on the arm rest, slightly elevated, help. So when I get it, I'm the one sleeping somewhere else.0 -
In my experience, you can lead by example when you have followers, and being a good example is useless for changing others if you don't.
"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older, and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world. "
-Inscription on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abbey cir. 1100 A.D.
FWIW, I got my husband to eat (mostly) right by cooking healthy things that he likes, and got him to exercise by inviting him on hikes, as a fun social thing to do together.
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You do you and let him do him! Seriously! Make the changes for yourself and avoid the temptations he brings around. It is hard but, can be done. My DH is the same way but, I don't let it stop me.0
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I got over this problem by assuring my sweetie that this was my journey and it was about my health (fibromyalgia and prediabetes ). I made it easy on him by leaving him with his treats, buying my own, and making small changes to the family menu with low fat, low calorie tweaks. I also bought low calorie cookbooks of family favorites, so no one felt they were missing out. We take walks together and I work out while he's still sleeping so I don't cut into us time. Just assure him you're not trying to change him, but just making yourself better for him. He'll be glad you did, and maybe he'll follow suit.0
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thorsmom01 wrote: »Thank you !! I didn't sleep last night with the one I downloaded so will try this one !
Is the hubby feeling rested? It doesn't seem likely with all his nocturnal activity (and not the fun kind). If he's feeling like he wants some quality sleep, check into your insurance and see if it covers a sleep clinic and ask your PCP about a referral. Could help you both!
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I really didn't want my DW competing in ballroom dancing (which helped her lose 35lbs because of long practicing) mostly because of cost (up to $1500 for a weekend competition because of hair, make up, and entry fees). We can afford it.
You know what she told me? "Honey I'm going to practice and Honey, I'm competing this weekend". What am I going to say?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I really didn't want my DW competing in ballroom dancing (which helped her lose 35lbs because of long practicing) mostly because of cost (up to $1500 for a weekend competition because of hair, make up, and entry fees). We can afford it.
You know what she told me? "Honey I'm going to practice and Honey, I'm competing this weekend". What am I going to say?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't know what a DW is, but congratulations to her! That's awesome.0 -
Darling wife.lithezebra wrote: »I really didn't want my DW competing in ballroom dancing (which helped her lose 35lbs because of long practicing) mostly because of cost (up to $1500 for a weekend competition because of hair, make up, and entry fees). We can afford it.
You know what she told me? "Honey I'm going to practice and Honey, I'm competing this weekend". What am I going to say?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't know what a DW is, but congratulations to her! That's awesome.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Darling wife.lithezebra wrote: »I really didn't want my DW competing in ballroom dancing (which helped her lose 35lbs because of long practicing) mostly because of cost (up to $1500 for a weekend competition because of hair, make up, and entry fees). We can afford it.
You know what she told me? "Honey I'm going to practice and Honey, I'm competing this weekend". What am I going to say?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't know what a DW is, but congratulations to her! That's awesome.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Did she win?0 -
She's done a few now. Thing is she may be the only one in her category (amateur) so she gets first by default. However her last "big" competition, she took 4th out of 7. Personally I hate the way they judge these things because each judge basically places you in a position from a 15 second look at your routine. And depending at what time they look, it may not be your best or interesting sequence. She placed 1st with 2 judges, 7 with 2 judges, and 2nd and 4th with a couple of other judges. Isn't that a huge disparity? Anyway, it's what she likes to do, so I'll go along.
Darling wife.lithezebra wrote: »I really didn't want my DW competing in ballroom dancing (which helped her lose 35lbs because of long practicing) mostly because of cost (up to $1500 for a weekend competition because of hair, make up, and entry fees). We can afford it.
You know what she told me? "Honey I'm going to practice and Honey, I'm competing this weekend". What am I going to say?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't know what a DW is, but congratulations to her! That's awesome.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Did she win?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!
Were you typing this while looking in the mirror? OP--give him a copy of this thread. Good luck.
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_Terrapin_ wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!
Were you typing this while looking in the mirror? OP--give him a copy of this thread. Good luck.
Unless he's the type who doesn't like his business put on blast on the interwebs, then maybe not...
...or if your telling of the story isn't entirely accurate from his point of view as well. Actually, scratch that. Get him an MFP account and invite him to participate in the discussion.
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