My son called me fat.
beth0277
Posts: 217 Member
My thin 5 year old called me fat yesterday. Well, fatty, to be specific. I had hoped that would be a turning point and I cried and cried after he did. Not because I don't know I'm overweight, but because he knows. I don't ever want him to be embarrassed of me. I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
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Replies
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Your son is a bully.-4
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I'm sorry that this happened to you. I don't have children but I imagine that this would hit a nerve and cause a lot of emotional pain. But I also don't think a slip up equals failure. I mean look at where you're at right now- you have the motivation to go on here and fess up. Keep going and try again. Also, realize you're going to mess up again. And forgive yourself.0
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Did you tell him it's wrong to say that?0
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That had to hurt.
I'm sorry you had to hear that from your son.
He's old enough for a talking-to though. Not a distressing talk, but one where you can explain this cycle. Let him know that you (and so many other people) find it much more difficult to reach goals with negative input.
He's only 5, but that's old enough to become aware that negative words effect people.0 -
If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.0 -
Your son is a bully.
I'm not sure it's helpful to call a 5 year old a bully. He's 5. He doesn't have the full concept that other people have feelings or that calling someone fat is a really hurtful thing to say. He's likely repeating things he's heard at school or from other adults or TV. That being said, OP this is a good time to teach your son about the power of his words and to get him to begin thinking about the concept that other people have feelings and what he says can hurt. It sounds like your relationship with food is broken. The way you talk makes it sound like you've got some depression going on. Is that the case?0 -
Your son is a bully.
What? Did you miss the part where she said he was 5?
OP why would this make you cry ..he's absorbed the word fattie as an insult and you need to address how it's not ok to ever comment on anyone's appearance
He won't be embarrassed about you..you're his mother ..it will be fine
Now if you want to drop weight that's another thing...you just have to stick to your calorie defecit across the week0 -
well you can try to buckle down and focus and gain that willpower and go kick some butt!! YOu CAN DO IT!0
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Your son said something mean regardless if you're thin or fat it's important to teach that everyone deserves respect. I am not skinny myself, but I wouldn't tolerate that behavior. I understand you're thinking its a breaking point, but to me it shows disregard for others feelings. Best of luck.0
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If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.
It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.0 -
kasperwasper2016 wrote: »
He's only 5, but that's old enough to become aware that negative words effect people.
^^^This^^^0 -
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Out of the mouths of babes...truth hurts now do something about do it for him do it for you it's gonna be hard no doubt there will be bad days and then there will be good days it's a battle a constant one I have stopped and started so many times but finally found success I recommend weight watchers its a great program and easy to follow that's what got me started after that I found an on line coach through facebook and that changed my life I am not at my goal and still have a ways to go I have bad days bad weeks but I don't quit so don't cry get angry and take it out on your excess weight use it as motivation to keep going when you feel like quitting tell your son that you are going to lose weight and he sure sounds like he can keep you accountable ...if you have facebook like everysingle fitness and diet page when you see workout and diet tips daily it will keep you in the right frame of mind . Find an acountability partner other than your 5 year old
Good Luck I wish the best for you ...I bet you will be thanking your son for saying that in the months to come 0 -
This is a great teaching opportunity. You can talk to him and tell him that it hurt your feelings and that it isn't nice to say that to people. Next you can tell him that you are working to be a healthier mommy so you can have more energy to play with him (or whatever reason you have). This conversation will teach him that you should speak up when someone upsets you and that saying hurtful things to people isn't right.
This journey does not have to be an all or nothing journey. You don't have to eat perfectly every day and never go over calories. What you can do is change how you react to over eating. You could say okay I indulged a little bit so now I am going to take my son outside and play or I'm going to go for a walk to burn off some of those calories. You may not burn all of them off but you will reduce the impact of overdoing it. You can also adjust the next day and try to reduce your calories to compensate (within the healthy range). Do not give up. This journey is not usually a downward line for most. More often it's a zig zag with a downward trend. Think progress not perfection.
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kasperwasper2016 wrote: »
He's only 5, but that's old enough to become aware that negative words effect people.
^^^This^^^
Maybe I didn't explain my original post well. I'm not seeking advice on how to handle my son saying that. He was wrong, he knows he was wrong, and we had a long talk about it. I'm more upset with the fact that I can't seem to "get it together" even after he said it to me.0 -
Sounds like you might be a perfectionist on the outside, but now it's time to work on the inside. One day at a time, keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other, etc. It's not a race. It's not a competition. It's a daily grind and we all do it.
How about starting a short workout program? Oftentimes when I'm feeling down, exercise boosts my spirits and the harder it is the better I feel (that's just me though). Go to YouTube and look around, there's plenty of free programs.0 -
If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.
It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.
You HAVE to take time to take care of yourself or else it's likely other areas of your life will begin to slip. We can only carry on burning the candle at both ends before we run out of anything to give. Start slowly. Add in a relaxing bath, or a family walk in the evening. Start with small things that you can do to take care of yourself. Taking control of your weight is no different...start with small changes. Maybe log whatever you eat without restricting at first. Then, maybe start choosing foods that make you feel good and give you energy. Then slowly start working on a deficit, maybe shave off 100 calories at a time. Don't think it's weird that you have all this going on and this is the ONE thing you aren't a perfectionist with. That is actually really normal. You can't possibly control everything to be perfect and perhaps the very fact that you put so much pressure on yourself to do things perfectly is the very reason you feel you have no control over how much you eat.0 -
Your son is a bully.
Im sorry, but no he isn't. He's a small child not understanding words can hurt. I nanny for twins who are 3 and they're also just now beginning to notice that I'm different but they haven't learned the word fat yet. At his age he is just beginning to learn empathy and while yes Momma here should focus on her health, but I also suggest starting a dialogue.
Talk to your son and explain how all bodies are different, and that those differences are okay. Skin, size, hair type, etc. Your body happens to be bigger than his, and let him know that pointing out people's differences can cause some hurt feelings. If he isn't sure if words will hurt or if pointing out a difference is rude/hurtful to others he has to practice chosing not to say anything at all. This is a concept that takes years to really learn but helping him build the skills to stop and think before speaking will help.
Think of it also as a chance to teach your son about his own body and nutrition. Would you let him pick out the same snacks as often as you? Probably not- so teach him why and as you teach, also learn. Teach why your body doesn't appreciate the candy, and why it would be a nicer choice to go for xy or z. As you teach and instill this knowledge you'll see your habits change because you practice what you preach.
At age 3, they don't have much choice in their food, but we talk often about veggies and fruits being choices our bodies love (because vitamins and energy) and candy being reserved for after our bellies are full of the good stuff (because empty calories- they don't get that but I explain that there are no vitamins, which is why we don't eat it often) now that they point out my belly being different and my arms sagging, and they lovingly call the lump of fat over the bra line my cupcakes. Their comments are curious for now, so all my replies are about loving myself and how my tummy is different in a positive way. I may have body image issues inside, but I don't want them exposed to it you know?
So outside of losing all the weight over night what you CAN do is start talking to get him to be more thoughtful as considerate overall and teach him about nutrition so he isn't just left wondering how something like an overweight body happens. I feel at 5 he could be exposed to that information (too much food leads to excess fat) but don't make a huge deal of it. You ate too much for a long time and now you're hoping to change your body into a happier place with better choices and activities. Don't lose this teachable moment! For the both of you 0 -
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Totally get it my kiddos are little too. I want to set a good example for them. So I have choosen to start exercising and have them see me sweaty, I show them healthy choices vs unhealthy. I don't use the word "diet" and choose to use more words like "healthy, good for my heart, strong". I say no thank you, when they try cramming goodies down my throat. They are little but they obviously pick things up and I want them to have a healthy outlook on food and exercise. Maybe you can be honest with him and tell him you aren't making good choices for your health and that you want to do better.0
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mommyrunning wrote: »This is a great teaching opportunity. You can talk to him and tell him that it hurt your feelings and that it isn't nice to say that to people. Next you can tell him that you are working to be a healthier mommy so you can have more energy to play with him (or whatever reason you have). This conversation will teach him that you should speak up when someone upsets you and that saying hurtful things to people isn't right.
This journey does not have to be an all or nothing journey. You don't have to eat perfectly every day and never go over calories. What you can do is change how you react to over eating. You could say okay I indulged a little bit so now I am going to take my son outside and play or I'm going to go for a walk to burn off some of those calories. You may not burn all of them off but you will reduce the impact of overdoing it. You can also adjust the next day and try to reduce your calories to compensate (within the healthy range). Do not give up. This journey is not usually a downward line for most. More often it's a zig zag with a downward trend. Think progress not perfection.
Yup-all of this. He does need to learn, but you also need to open your eyes to the fact that he notices you. He notices what you do and how you do it. Take this opportunity to improve yourself! Best of luck! 0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »
Good question. I would also add that teaching your child to care about not intentionally hurting other peoples feelings isn't what I'd call "PC BS" either.0 -
The beautiful thing i find about children is there innocence in this world. They can say anything without thinking first. I do not think he should be in trouble for saying you were fat- or a fatty. That to me says since he is 5 he IS capable of understanding that every action has a consequence. He needs to have a sit down with you while you explain to him the affects his words can have on other people- tell him how that made you feel. Brutally honest! You were so upset you went to the store and bought chocolate! He made you cry!- his momma cried because of his words. tell him that.
You are the only one that can change YOU. I hope you are feeling a bit better! What mommyrunning said pretty much sums up what i was going to say.0 -
...I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
1. Had you had lunch at that point? When I let myself get too hungry, I gravitate towards carbs. I do better if I make sure every meal and snack has sufficient protein in relationship to carbs. I shoot for 40% carbs, 30% fat, and 30% protein. I don't obsess about all three macros - focusing on protein works for me.
See https://www.nutrition.org.uk/healthyliving/fuller/understanding-satiety-feeling-full-after-a-meal.html
2. Exercise gives me the boost I used to get from food, so I make sure to do that regularly.
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I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. Many times the unfiltered out loud thoughts of our children are unwanted mirrors but it sounds like a good teaching moment for your son.
You're just like many of us who want to make positive change in our lives and that makes you, NOT A FAILURE. In my view giving up is the only failure. It's not always easy and it doesn't always work but keep at it and you'll end up teaching so many lessons to your son.Positive thinking, hard work, persistence, handling disappointment and setbacks, goal setting, physical fitness, eating well, and much more are all part of what you can model for him. How do you want that to look?
Incidentally, there's nothing really wrong with popcorn or candy in the context of a nutrition plan that's set up to meet your goals. Rhetorical questions but have you calculated how many calories you should be eating? Do you log your food? Do you have a weight loss goal? Do you have a realistic exercise plan that includes strength training and cardio to support your goals? These are specific things you can do to begin taking control of your body.0 -
Sorry to hear that. You've got all the motivation you need. As others have said, it's a teaching moment, he doesn't understand what he said, etc., but focus on the message. Others on this site talk about losing weight to be more active with their kids, to run and play with them, and to live longer and be there for them later in life. Use his brutal honesty to realize your lifestyle affects him too.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.
It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.
You HAVE to take time to take care of yourself or else it's likely other areas of your life will begin to slip. We can only carry on burning the candle at both ends before we run out of anything to give. Start slowly. Add in a relaxing bath, or a family walk in the evening. Start with small things that you can do to take care of yourself. Taking control of your weight is no different...start with small changes. Maybe log whatever you eat without restricting at first. Then, maybe start choosing foods that make you feel good and give you energy. Then slowly start working on a deficit, maybe shave off 100 calories at a time. Don't think it's weird that you have all this going on and this is the ONE thing you aren't a perfectionist with. That is actually really normal. You can't possibly control everything to be perfect and perhaps the very fact that you put so much pressure on yourself to do things perfectly is the very reason you feel you have no control over how much you eat.
This. I fully believe that there is great value in starting to log even when you slip up or you can't eat at a deficit. Building it as a habit makes almost brainless to log, and then when it's not an effort, you can expend that energy on willpower to help you stay in a deficit at a later time.
In addition, I found it immensely helpful to stop thinking about "getting back on the wagon". There aren't bad foods or things that are off limits. I eat treats in moderation because I tend to crave them more if I tell myself I can't have them. I also like to preplan my days, focus on whole, nutritious foods, and then I can see how many discretionary calories I have at the end of the day and what treats I can work in.
I think it also helps to have a lot of go-to staples around the house. I batch cook and have some leftovers frozen in individual portions in the freezer for when I don't feel like cooking. I have some snacks that I know keep me feeling full and easily work into my macros (greek yogurt, jerky, and peanut butter). And popcorn can be a really good snack, especially if you go for some of the lower fat versions or air pop it. Again, portion is going to be key for this.0
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