My son called me fat.

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  • brb_2013
    brb_2013 Posts: 1,197 Member
    kbmnurse wrote: »
    Your son is a bully.

    Im sorry, but no he isn't. He's a small child not understanding words can hurt. I nanny for twins who are 3 and they're also just now beginning to notice that I'm different but they haven't learned the word fat yet. At his age he is just beginning to learn empathy and while yes Momma here should focus on her health, but I also suggest starting a dialogue.

    Talk to your son and explain how all bodies are different, and that those differences are okay. Skin, size, hair type, etc. Your body happens to be bigger than his, and let him know that pointing out people's differences can cause some hurt feelings. If he isn't sure if words will hurt or if pointing out a difference is rude/hurtful to others he has to practice chosing not to say anything at all. This is a concept that takes years to really learn but helping him build the skills to stop and think before speaking will help.

    Think of it also as a chance to teach your son about his own body and nutrition. Would you let him pick out the same snacks as often as you? Probably not- so teach him why and as you teach, also learn. Teach why your body doesn't appreciate the candy, and why it would be a nicer choice to go for xy or z. As you teach and instill this knowledge you'll see your habits change because you practice what you preach.

    At age 3, they don't have much choice in their food, but we talk often about veggies and fruits being choices our bodies love (because vitamins and energy) and candy being reserved for after our bellies are full of the good stuff (because empty calories- they don't get that but I explain that there are no vitamins, which is why we don't eat it often) now that they point out my belly being different and my arms sagging, and they lovingly call the lump of fat over the bra line my cupcakes. Their comments are curious for now, so all my replies are about loving myself and how my tummy is different in a positive way. I may have body image issues inside, but I don't want them exposed to it you know?

    So outside of losing all the weight over night what you CAN do is start talking to get him to be more thoughtful as considerate overall and teach him about nutrition so he isn't just left wondering how something like an overweight body happens. I feel at 5 he could be exposed to that information (too much food leads to excess fat) but don't make a huge deal of it. You ate too much for a long time and now you're hoping to change your body into a happier place with better choices and activities. Don't lose this teachable moment! For the both of you :)
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    yarwell wrote: »
    kbmnurse wrote: »
    Your son is a bully.

    an observant and honest little chap by the sound of it.

    His head hasn't been filled with the PC BS that awaits him.

    Refraining from insulting our loved ones is now "PC BS"?
  • zadowd
    zadowd Posts: 44 Member
    Totally get it my kiddos are little too. I want to set a good example for them. So I have choosen to start exercising and have them see me sweaty, I show them healthy choices vs unhealthy. I don't use the word "diet" and choose to use more words like "healthy, good for my heart, strong". I say no thank you, when they try cramming goodies down my throat. They are little but they obviously pick things up and I want them to have a healthy outlook on food and exercise. Maybe you can be honest with him and tell him you aren't making good choices for your health and that you want to do better.
  • sudmom
    sudmom Posts: 202 Member
    This is a great teaching opportunity. You can talk to him and tell him that it hurt your feelings and that it isn't nice to say that to people. Next you can tell him that you are working to be a healthier mommy so you can have more energy to play with him (or whatever reason you have). This conversation will teach him that you should speak up when someone upsets you and that saying hurtful things to people isn't right.

    This journey does not have to be an all or nothing journey. You don't have to eat perfectly every day and never go over calories. What you can do is change how you react to over eating. You could say okay I indulged a little bit so now I am going to take my son outside and play or I'm going to go for a walk to burn off some of those calories. You may not burn all of them off but you will reduce the impact of overdoing it. You can also adjust the next day and try to reduce your calories to compensate (within the healthy range). Do not give up. This journey is not usually a downward line for most. More often it's a zig zag with a downward trend. Think progress not perfection.

    Yup-all of this. He does need to learn, but you also need to open your eyes to the fact that he notices you. He notices what you do and how you do it. Take this opportunity to improve yourself! Best of luck! :)
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    yarwell wrote: »
    kbmnurse wrote: »
    Your son is a bully.

    an observant and honest little chap by the sound of it.

    His head hasn't been filled with the PC BS that awaits him.

    Refraining from insulting our loved ones is now "PC BS"?

    Good question. I would also add that teaching your child to care about not intentionally hurting other peoples feelings isn't what I'd call "PC BS" either.
  • Starman02
    Starman02 Posts: 181 Member
    The beautiful thing i find about children is there innocence in this world. They can say anything without thinking first. I do not think he should be in trouble for saying you were fat- or a fatty. That to me says since he is 5 he IS capable of understanding that every action has a consequence. He needs to have a sit down with you while you explain to him the affects his words can have on other people- tell him how that made you feel. Brutally honest! You were so upset you went to the store and bought chocolate! He made you cry!- his momma cried because of his words. tell him that.
    You are the only one that can change YOU. I hope you are feeling a bit better! What mommyrunning said pretty much sums up what i was going to say.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,846 Member
    beth0277 wrote: »
    ...I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.

    I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.

    1. Had you had lunch at that point? When I let myself get too hungry, I gravitate towards carbs. I do better if I make sure every meal and snack has sufficient protein in relationship to carbs. I shoot for 40% carbs, 30% fat, and 30% protein. I don't obsess about all three macros - focusing on protein works for me.

    See https://www.nutrition.org.uk/healthyliving/fuller/understanding-satiety-feeling-full-after-a-meal.html

    2. Exercise gives me the boost I used to get from food, so I make sure to do that regularly.
  • disasterman
    disasterman Posts: 746 Member
    I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. Many times the unfiltered out loud thoughts of our children are unwanted mirrors but it sounds like a good teaching moment for your son.

    You're just like many of us who want to make positive change in our lives and that makes you, NOT A FAILURE. In my view giving up is the only failure. It's not always easy and it doesn't always work but keep at it and you'll end up teaching so many lessons to your son.Positive thinking, hard work, persistence, handling disappointment and setbacks, goal setting, physical fitness, eating well, and much more are all part of what you can model for him. How do you want that to look?

    Incidentally, there's nothing really wrong with popcorn or candy in the context of a nutrition plan that's set up to meet your goals. Rhetorical questions but have you calculated how many calories you should be eating? Do you log your food? Do you have a weight loss goal? Do you have a realistic exercise plan that includes strength training and cardio to support your goals? These are specific things you can do to begin taking control of your body.
  • DrifterBear
    DrifterBear Posts: 265 Member
    Sorry to hear that. You've got all the motivation you need. As others have said, it's a teaching moment, he doesn't understand what he said, etc., but focus on the message. Others on this site talk about losing weight to be more active with their kids, to run and play with them, and to live longer and be there for them later in life. Use his brutal honesty to realize your lifestyle affects him too.
  • auddii
    auddii Posts: 15,357 Member
    beth0277 wrote: »
    Equus5374 wrote: »
    If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.

    I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.

    I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.

    Good luck.

    It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.

    You HAVE to take time to take care of yourself or else it's likely other areas of your life will begin to slip. We can only carry on burning the candle at both ends before we run out of anything to give. Start slowly. Add in a relaxing bath, or a family walk in the evening. Start with small things that you can do to take care of yourself. Taking control of your weight is no different...start with small changes. Maybe log whatever you eat without restricting at first. Then, maybe start choosing foods that make you feel good and give you energy. Then slowly start working on a deficit, maybe shave off 100 calories at a time. Don't think it's weird that you have all this going on and this is the ONE thing you aren't a perfectionist with. That is actually really normal. You can't possibly control everything to be perfect and perhaps the very fact that you put so much pressure on yourself to do things perfectly is the very reason you feel you have no control over how much you eat.

    This. I fully believe that there is great value in starting to log even when you slip up or you can't eat at a deficit. Building it as a habit makes almost brainless to log, and then when it's not an effort, you can expend that energy on willpower to help you stay in a deficit at a later time.

    In addition, I found it immensely helpful to stop thinking about "getting back on the wagon". There aren't bad foods or things that are off limits. I eat treats in moderation because I tend to crave them more if I tell myself I can't have them. I also like to preplan my days, focus on whole, nutritious foods, and then I can see how many discretionary calories I have at the end of the day and what treats I can work in.

    I think it also helps to have a lot of go-to staples around the house. I batch cook and have some leftovers frozen in individual portions in the freezer for when I don't feel like cooking. I have some snacks that I know keep me feeling full and easily work into my macros (greek yogurt, jerky, and peanut butter). And popcorn can be a really good snack, especially if you go for some of the lower fat versions or air pop it. Again, portion is going to be key for this.
  • motterotter
    motterotter Posts: 701 Member
    He is five
    five years old are not rational beings
    Five year olds think santa is real and cartoons are real and believe in magical wizards and stuff
    They think boogers are acceptable snacks and mom and dad are able to do anything
    The reason you are crying is not because of what he said
    Its because you have a five year old and are exhausted doing other things too
    So dont let one word reduce you to tears and want to push him away
    Tell him you are fat and squishy because your love for him is filling you up like a balloon and give him a cuddle
    Thats all he wants is some attention from you and he got it by upsetting you
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
    I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, and glad that he realizes the power of his words. My daughter has called herself fat when she was very young, but with zero value judgement. "My stomach is fat!" As a mom I got nervous, but in that moment it was just like her saying "My hair is brown."

    When I was younger I would diet and constantly fail because I always told myself what I would try NOT to eat and never sat down to plan out what I WOULD eat. About 8 years ago I started meal planning and batch/freezer cooking and I always know what I'm going to eat and have plenty of options at my disposal. While it's not necessary to pre-cook, just making a plan of what your meals will be before your day starts could be a big help.
  • larali1980
    larali1980 Posts: 162 Member
    This thread makes me really sad.

    Kids say stuff and they don't fully realize that it's hurtful, however, it's a good opportunity to teach them what's not appropriate to say.

    My 6-year-old hurt me the other day by saying that she wants to look like my sister when she grows up. It wasn't exactly an insult, but I was very upset because she didn't say she wants to look like me!
  • evileen99
    evileen99 Posts: 1,564 Member
    beth0277 wrote: »
    Equus5374 wrote: »

    It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.

    Perhaps because you're a perfectionist you set parameters for yourself that are too strict--like eating only 1200 calories a day--ensuring that you will fail. I eat 1200 calories by noon; I would gnaw my own arm off if that was all I was allowed for a whole day. I would absolutely fail to meet that goal every single day and not because I have no willpower, or I'm a loser, but because it's too drastic for me.

    I agree that speaking to a therapist can help, as will using MFP to set a reasonable weight loss goal--start at one pound a week and see how it goes.
  • clin71funyika
    clin71funyika Posts: 116 Member
    Well at 5 years old it's definitely a good time to teach him what's polite and what's not, he's still learning. Glad to see your here to get the encouragement we all need. You can add me if you'd like
  • Of_Monsters_and_Meat
    Of_Monsters_and_Meat Posts: 1,022 Member
    My son is five too. He calls fat people fat. Guess what, hard truth, your failing. Get with the program, really for your son's sake.
    Then again my son also told me he hated me, because I made him go to bed last night.


    I'd like to tone this down for you, but really being alive and healthy for my family is my #1 motivator.
  • reckersbb
    reckersbb Posts: 3 Member
    Ouch. I'm sure it hurt.
    It's hard for me to have high-calorie things in the house. I have 4 kids so sometimes we do. Would it help your willpower to think (buy good foods because you want to lose weight but instead) that you want to model good eating and exercise habits for him?
    Write everything down even if you go over. With time, it will help you make better choices. Maybe you will still go over your calorie goal but you will do it a little less frequently or by lower amounts. Stick with it for yourself (and for him).
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    yarwell wrote: »
    kbmnurse wrote: »
    Your son is a bully.

    an observant and honest little chap by the sound of it.

    His head hasn't been filled with the PC BS that awaits him.

    Refraining from insulting our loved ones is now "PC BS"?

    Good question. I would also add that teaching your child to care about not intentionally hurting other peoples feelings isn't what I'd call "PC BS" either.

    Absolutely. Children shouldn't see honesty as a weapon or a way to hurt people. You can speak the truth with consideration. Calling a loved one "fatty" isn't honest. It's hurtful. And while children are often hurtful, it isn't something that we should encourage.

    There are many honest things we could say about those we love (at least, honest from our POV). But part of growing up is learning how and when to say them and how to honor honesty and love.
  • LilSunflowerIsis
    LilSunflowerIsis Posts: 37 Member
    edited January 2016
    I hate that society has given the word "FAT" a negative connotation and so much power to make us feel less than. It is dysfunctional that a word can have so much power. I am not ashamed to call myself fat because that is what I am and I know I am working towards getting back to a healthier version of myself. I am tired of people using the word in a demeaning manner and in anger. Would we be as up in arms about this is her son called her "thin" or "skinny"? Probably not. ..In fact this wouldn't even be a thread. Fat can still be beautiful, intelligent, caring, hard-working, loving and adventurous! Fat is used to describe your appearance NOT you! That's it.

    I'm sorry your son hurt your feelings, but the word fat will only have as much power over our self-perception as we allow it to.

    Also in regards to you getting back on the horse. Don't view it as "this time". If you're viewing it as a moment you are bound to fail. You are trying to erase years of unhealthy habits. It won't happen overnight, so give yourself break. This is a lifestyle change. Instead try to make small changes...have popcorn or reeses, not both. Challenge yourself to logging your food especially your binges a few times of week. Hold yourself accountable..if you go over your calories vow to do 20 jumping jacks and 20 crunches before bed.

    I believe you will reach your goals Beth and change your lifestyle into one that is healthier for you and your family and brings you more joy. It just takes time and you gotta do the work knowing each moment won't be easy and some days will kick your butt...

    In the meantime, be fat and fabulous!

  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    OP, its sounds like you are overwhelmed. Adding in self care and healthy habits are really important though...are there ways you can lighten your current load? It might be time to consider what areas of your life you can give up or reduce your involvement in. Getting your health together is important for you and important for your son. We've all talked about the importance of teaching him that his words are powerful and can hurt people. Now is also a great time to teach your son how to keep himself healthy as he grows up. Taking care of yourself and teaching your son to take care of himself is as important as anything else you have going on and probably more so.
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