Spouse does not want me to lose weight.. any of you in same boat?

ashteinpeacock
ashteinpeacock Posts: 56 Member
edited November 28 in Health and Weight Loss
I have a question for everyone. Does anyone else's spouse not want you to lose weight and diet? I want to diet and lose around 20 lbs, but my husband does not want me to!! He wants me to stay like I am. He said he likes me just like I am. I am not fat, but I am not skinny either.... I'm thick I guess you can say. But according to my height I weigh too much. I do not feel comfortable with my size most days, some day I don't care. Just curious to who all else has this problem with their spouse.... :)
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Replies

  • galgenstrick
    galgenstrick Posts: 2,086 Member
    Luckily for you it's not his decision. Tell him you want to lose the weight and why, and he'll just have to deal with that and hopefully be supportive.
  • strong_curves
    strong_curves Posts: 2,229 Member
    I had the same issue with my husband. I wanted to lose the weight for myself not for him. Now that I've lost some weight, am smaller he's now saying he was wrong and he's liking what he's seeing.

    Honestly, for me, it didn't matter what he thought/thinks. I wasn't happy with my body and I have to live in this body so I decided to do what I thought was best for me.
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
    My husband likes me about 10lbs more than I like myself, but is fully supportive because he likes to see me happy!
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    What's your height and weight? My fiance didn't find my weight loss obvious until I'd dropped around 20 pounds. I recommend you just do your thing slowly and not make a big deal about it - don't make special "diet" meals for you - just eat what he eats only less. What I do is eat the same, only I have more non-starchy veggies and less carbs than he does. I'll skip the roll. I use less butter. If I weren't weighing my food, it wouldn't be obvious that I was dieting.

    My fiance does like pleasantly plump women so I am curious to see if he will want me to stop at a weight higher than where I'd want to stop.
  • _EPIC_
    _EPIC_ Posts: 611 Member
    Just break up.
  • CariJean64
    CariJean64 Posts: 297 Member
    If you lose it gradually enough, he may not even notice for a while. If you're eating better, and weight loss happens, just WOW him with how much better you feel. :-) He will adjust to the new you.
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
    edited January 2016
    Liking you the way you are is not the same as disapproving of your goal to lose weight. Perhaps he's just being supportive of your current appearance?

    There's really no good answer for him in this case. If he encourages you, then he thinks you're fat and ugly. If he likes you how you are, he's unsupportive. Not saying that's the case in your house, but it is for many people.
  • CalorieCountChocula
    CalorieCountChocula Posts: 239 Member
    I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.
  • erinc5
    erinc5 Posts: 329 Member
    ashteinpeacock wrote: »
    He wants me to stay like I am. He said he likes me just like I am. I am not fat, but I am not skinny either....

    Are you sure he actively doesn't want you to lose? Like, is he begging you not to lose weight and gets upset when you say you have lost weight? Or he is just saying that you look fine like you are? You know - maybe he is just trying to be nice?

    My husband tells me all the time I am beautiful and don't need to lose weight, but I think he knows that I need to lose about 20 lbs at least. My goal is more like 30. Hell, he probably needs to lose about 20 lbs, but I don't tell him that. I tell him he looks great just as he is.

    The problem comes if you are actively losing and he is telling you to please stop losing weight - then you need to stand your ground. Until then, just keep losing and don't mention it to him.
  • giantrobot_powerlifting
    giantrobot_powerlifting Posts: 2,598 Member
    He wants to feel better about his own corpulence I'll wager.
  • yesimpson
    yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
    strong_curves wrote: »
    I had the same issue with my husband. I wanted to lose the weight for myself not for him. Now that I've lost some weight, am smaller he's now saying he was wrong and he's liking what he's seeing.

    Honestly, for me, it didn't matter what he thought/thinks. I wasn't happy with my body and I have to live in this body so I decided to do what I thought was best for me.

    Agree with this sentiment.

    He wasn't a spouse, but my ex boyfriend met me about halfway through my weight loss. He preferred me a bit heavier. It got to me a bit, partly because who doesn't want to feel like the person they're sleeping with finds them attractive, but also because he put on a lot of weight when we were together and I never would've said 'I miss your fitter body'.

    Your husband may actually find, if you decide to lose the weight, that he likes you just the way you are then. Perhaps he is worried that the change will affect your relationship in other ways.
  • 20yearsyounger
    20yearsyounger Posts: 1,630 Member
    _EPIC_ wrote: »
    Just break up.

    Huh??

    Listen men have no clue other than they want their significant other to be happy. You obviously are going to be happy if you are more comfortable with your body. Once he doesn't feel like you are going to leave him, he will be very happy too :)
  • RetroPolkaDot
    RetroPolkaDot Posts: 83 Member
    edited January 2016
    I think I depends on how the topic is being presented to him. If you are saying you feel frumpy and unattractive because of your weight how is he supposed to respond? He's screwed either way. If he agrees with you then he's calling you fat and if he says honey your pretty the way you are then he's not being supportive.
    Just go ahead an make some subtle changes to your diet and fitness. Let the pieces fall where they may. Most likely he is going to be supportive of you anyway.
  • Ashtoretet
    Ashtoretet Posts: 378 Member
    My husband hasn't thought I needed to lose weight since I got to a healthy BMI, but he hasn't stopped me, and supports me. I think for most spouses it's some combination of:

    -Personal insecurity, fear you'll leave them once you "get hot."
    -Admiration clouding their thinking. They've been with you so long they can't see you the way a stranger does, love makes a person more beautiful.
    -They don't want to hurt your feelings by admitting you're not "conventionally beautiful."
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    If he's actually telling you, "I don't want you to lose weight," you need to tell him that it isn't his choice. If he's just telling you he likes the way you look, but not actually discouraging you from losing weight, then there's nothing wrong with that. He's allowed to find you attractive even if you don't. My husband thought I was hot at my highest weight, lowest weight, and current weight. He's made that clear, but he's never discouraged me from losing (or gaining).

    I'm going to assume that he's blatantly told you he doesn't want you to lose weight and is discouraging you from doing so. It's your body, so it's your decision. He should support you if you want to do something that will make you feel better about yourself. If my husband didn't love me enough to keep his mouth shut and just support a decision I made about my own body, then I'd be losing about 165lbs mighty fast, if you catch my drift.
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
    edited January 2016
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
    I didn't ask my fiance, or even tell him. I just did it. He seems pretty happy with the results. I only lost around 20lbs, he seemed happy before and he's happy after.
  • Unknown
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  • dubird
    dubird Posts: 1,849 Member
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart.

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Which is why it's important to find out WHY he doesn't want her to lose weight. If it really is because he won't find her sexy at a lower weight, they need to sit down and talk this out. In the end, it's OP's decision to lose weight, not his, and if he can't support her wish to be healthier, there's bigger problems then just not wanting her to lose weight.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
    dubird wrote: »
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart.

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Which is why it's important to find out WHY he doesn't want her to lose weight. If it really is because he won't find her sexy at a lower weight, they need to sit down and talk this out. In the end, it's OP's decision to lose weight, not his, and if he can't support her wish to be healthier, there's bigger problems then just not wanting her to lose weight.

    There are also bigger problems if 20lbs is that much of a deal breaker in relationship.
  • Ilikechips2
    Ilikechips2 Posts: 7 Member
    CalorieCountChocula wrote: »
    I'm guessing the "sure honey, you could stand to lose a few" answer wouldn't exactly make a woman happy either so he's probably playing it safe.

    love this lol
  • Suzanne106
    Suzanne106 Posts: 149 Member
    You should ask him why he feels that way. Maybe he feels out of shape and overweight and doesn't want to be alone in his thoughts (misery loves company) or perhaps he just truly loves how you look. With that said, I would tell him that I respect your opinion but I am unhappy with how I feel and need to do something about it, can you please support me? then instead of talking about it, just do it.
  • Rachel0778
    Rachel0778 Posts: 1,701 Member
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    That's when therapy steps in to discuss the body/sex issues. OP, I agree with many of the posters above that you need to take care of you and the body you're in. I doubt your body change will cause that much strife though. 20 pounds is not a massively drastic change in appearance like losing 50+ pounds would be so it's likely your spouse will just go with the flow.
  • cassieknights951
    cassieknights951 Posts: 48 Member
    My husband hasn't said he doesn't want me to lose weight however he isn't exactly being supportive either! He'll eat crap in front of me, buy my fav treats and put in fridge just to tempt me - it hasn't so far - not sure if he's testing me or if he genuinely wants me to fail.
    I haven't mentioned it because I know he's expecting me to make a big deal of out it
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Okay, so she should be uncomfortable in her own skin just so he finds her attractive?

    Screw that.
  • carmkizzle
    carmkizzle Posts: 211 Member
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart?

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    If she wants to lose a few pounds to feel better about HERSELF (it has nothing to do with anyone else), then, as harsh as it may sound, his opinion shouldn't matter. If she were super skinny, I'd understand him not wanting her to lose weight. What if she begins to resent him because she chose not to do something for herself just to please him, and they end up with issues because of that? And if the things you listed above do happen after she has met her desired weight, I would think that there were underlying issues to begin with.

    If he truly loves her now, he'll love her a few pounds lighter, as well.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    cassieknights951 wrote: »
    My husband hasn't said he doesn't want me to lose weight however he isn't exactly being supportive either! He'll eat crap in front of me, buy my fav treats and put in fridge just to tempt me - it hasn't so far - not sure if he's testing me or if he genuinely wants me to fail.
    I haven't mentioned it because I know he's expecting me to make a big deal of out it

    He's probably just being habitual rather than doing this on purpose.
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
    I_Will_End_You wrote: »
    dubird wrote: »
    jacksonpt wrote: »
    Those of you who are saying that it's not up to him or that his opinion doesn't matter... what if OP loses the weight, then husband doesn't find her attractive, sex diminishes or stops, and the relationship falls apart.

    I get what you're saying, that she should do it for her, but it's a bigger issue than simply "it's not his decision"

    Which is why it's important to find out WHY he doesn't want her to lose weight. If it really is because he won't find her sexy at a lower weight, they need to sit down and talk this out. In the end, it's OP's decision to lose weight, not his, and if he can't support her wish to be healthier, there's bigger problems then just not wanting her to lose weight.

    There are also bigger problems if 20lbs is that much of a deal breaker in relationship.

    Yep. I completely understand that attraction changes when appearance changes for most people, but we're not talking 100 lbs here, it's 20 lbs of essentially vanity weight and it's not going to be a huge change. If that's enough to ruin attraction then it was probably pretty tenuous.

    For the record, my husband prefers me 20-25 lbs heavier than I am now, but he loves me and finds me attractive at my lower weight too. It's just that he now loves my hipbones and small waist and runner's backside instead of my disproportionately large bust and round hips, you know? He found different things about my body that he loves when the old ones got smaller. I also agreed that he can buy me a couple cup sizes in a few years if he misses them that much, haha.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited January 2016
    This content has been removed.
  • chunky_pinup
    chunky_pinup Posts: 758 Member
    Well I guess it's a good thing that our husbands only have control over us if we allow them to! Not his choice. Plain and simple.
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