Feminists and nonconformists - where do your goals come from?

moya_bleh wrote: »

A Feminist is someone who believes in and strives for equality across the genders. A man is just as capable of being a feminist as a woman. And any feminist who cannot tolerate male allies is not a feminist at all. I am sorry if you have experienced a bad reception in the past for this, cause that's not what feminism is about. Feminists marry men, date men, give birth to men, and in many happy circumstances ARE men.

I'm pretty sure I'm a feminist, but it can sometimes feel like there's always a bigger feminist out there waiting to tell me I'm wrong...

Anyway, my goals are (at 42) being the best I can be, an example to the young people I work with and some serious good mental health from exercising. And I think it makes me look good, too.

I think for me the most important take away from feminism is that people of any gender should have freedom of choice. So while I, due to socialization, societal messages etc. strive to look a certain way and accomplish goals that relate to fitness, I am very aware that it is a personal choice. There is no one size fits all in life and of course that relates to nutrition, fitness and body image. I know that there is a societal preference for a specific body type, especially for women, which I pretty much adhere to. That's why I think that it's important to support variation from that very narrow definition of acceptable femininity, even when personally fitting that mold.

My goals come entirely from what I want to look like and what I want my body to be able to do. I don't really give a damn what society thinks, although I was much more aware of it 150 lbs ago (I wasn't fond of being the largest person in any given room, it made me uncomfortable to be stared at). I love being fit, healthy and strong with well defined muscle and most of my goals relate to how much stronger I can be or how much faster I can move.

And don't get me started on HAES. If I had believed in that crap I'd probably be 400 lbs by now and still full of excuses.

Both @CoffeeNCardio and @bendyourkneekatie pretty much covered most of my thoughts on this verbatim.

Aside from aesthetics, I've noticed in the past 8 months of changing my lifestyle that a slew of other problems have pretty much gone away. Before I started exercising regularly and making better choices nutritionally, I would struggle to wake up every day. I'd go to work simply because I had to make money to live, then I'd come home, pig out and lie in bed until the morning. I never did much else. I was always upset and felt numb. Eventually I got tired of it and forced myself to make a change. Eight months and 27 pounds later, I'm a completely different person physically and mentally. I am up every morning at 5 am filled with energy, I'm a positive person and people around me feel that. I'm better at my job because of how I feel about myself and my life now. I'm only tired when I get home at night and it's time for bed. I sleep through the night and wake up well rested. I would have never imagined myself to change so much and I didn't know this is the person I always was.

That being said, I had a "friend" tell me that the only reason I'm happier now is because I fit society's ideal of beauty. They expressed a lot of vitriol toward my change in lifestyle and physique. It was hurtful and they were wrong. Some people will find me attractive and some people won't; every person has different standards of beauty. I wouldn't care either way, but as it turns out my brain isn't exactly wired for romantic relationships; I feel comfortable being alone and I always will. I didn't do this so that other people would find me physically attractive, I did it for my mental health. Daily routines and structure are what help me be the best person I can be. Every person here has a different story, therefore different reasons as to why they chose to change. Even if someone did it for the sole purpose of being "hot", that's completely within their rights to do so.

People will always find something to gripe about, especially people who call themselves feminists when they aren't. I was once told that since I shave, I'm "conforming to the patriarchy" when in reality I have sensory issues and that includes being extremely bothered by my body hair. I can only handle the hair on my arms and head, anything else makes me squeamish. As @CoffeeNCardio said, true feminists support equality of all genders. I don't hate men; my two best friends are both men and have as many complexities and societal pressures to face as I do. As long as what you're doing makes you happy and doesn't cause any harm to yourself or others, you should be free to do it. You only have one life and shouldn't feel shamed for wanting to live it the best you can.

CoffeeNCardio wrote: »

As a very outspoken advocate against body-shaming, and a born and bred feminist, I can happily say that it's MY body and I'll make it look however I dam well please. If that happens to mimic societal beauty standards, so be it. I know what I want to look like. I know how I want to feel (energetic and happy). And uterus notwithstanding, I'm perfectly capable of making that decision in spite of the fashion industry.

I also really like clothes I find pretty. I like to feel pretty. I have no issue existing in both spheres and cannot comprehend why I shouldn't.

Being a feminist doesn't mean you have to stop caring what you look like. It means you don't let other people decide that for you. Whether that be some guy saying you're ugly because you don't meet his standard of sexual desirability (cause you are more than a sexual object) or some other woman saying you need to meet standards to be socially acceptable.

I couldn't have said this better myself. I completely concur.

Also, my goals lately have been more centered around fitness. I'm not at my goal weight, but I know I'll get there; I just feel way better about myself when I achieve my fitness goals.

Diabetes is rampant in my family and, while I know it will probably get me eventually, I'd like to miss that boat for as long as possible. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body for the rest of my life.

I'm so glad that the HAES and FA wasn't around when I was younger. I would have fallen for that hard. Those people aren't feminists. They are crabs dragging everyone they can into their bucket of self pity.

These days I'm all about being the best version of me. I compete only with myself.

Looking good is a side benefit of feeling good. And in order for me to feel good, I have to exercise and keep myself at a reasonable weight. When I slack off, I feel depressed and unmotivated to do anything. When I take care of my physical self, my emotional self is much more balanced and stable.

If you're happy, does it really matter? That's how I feel about it.

Yes, we are going to be somewhat influenced by society, but the more you can recognise this, the more true yourself you will find. Will there still be some influence at the back of our minds, that we don't even realise? Probably. I'm happy though. If my views change I'm confident enough to admit it and grow as a person. My body ideals, whether stereotypical "beauty standards" or not, influenced or not, really do feel like my own. I personally don't think mine are pretty conventional - more size please! But I'm going for it because it makes me happy.

Away from the "feminist" label, because who knows what it really means now. I believe in equal rights, I'm against body shaming (fat or skinny or anything in between) and I wish people would stop pretending it's about health when they put bigger people down (can this HAES debate thing just end now?) Let's be honest here, it's not about health. Nobody gives a damn about the health of a large number of young, slim attractive young people going out binge drinking, smoking, with a poor diet, but with a fat woman and suddenly everyone think they're an expert "I'm just concerned about your health" Unless they're close to you (real concern doesn't involve nasty comments) that's BS.

You can be overweight (or underweight for that matter) and healthy. However, the more extreme you go either end the more chances you have of having health problems. That's obvious. But there's more to it than just scale weight, way more.

Love your body, love what it does for you, appreciate it when it does you well. Do what makes you feel good, physically and mentally. Be happy, be confident! Be you.

Liking how you look in the mirror is not inherently anti feminist to me. Neither is necessarily wanting to look good for others. I think it becomes anti feminist if that is the only reason or you focus on that to the detriment of the rest of your physical and emotional health.

Some of my other goals include fitting into my clothes better, more energy to do things, and getting involved in a sport.

cristalball wrote: »

How do you know if you are bowing to society's views and pressures to try to obtain the "ideal" body or if your goals are more internally and personally motivated? Or does it even matter? I ask because I'm not sure for my own goals and was curious about others.

You are not implying that feminists should make an effort to not conform by being obese and out of shape on purpose?