On-line date winner ? I may win....
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Cameron_1969 wrote: »So. . I have to ask.. First off, the OP looks fantastic (if that's what she really looks like) . . HOWEVER!. . I have been on enough online dates to know that the rule (not the exception) is that the person that shows up doesn't look like their pictures and is generally much heavier than their pictures suggest. I suppose I'm an asshat and a jerk and all that stuff for not being able to "see past it" etc. . but sorry. . can't.
So.. the question is.. What should the guy have done? How SHOULD he have dealt with this. . And I'm not asking for judgy comments about how he shouldn't be so vain or superficial. People like what they like. I am intimately aware of this curse. I am asking this because I genuinely would like advice on this. The reason I don't online date anymore is because I hate the part where I have to tortuously explain that I like her but "we just aren't a match". This is especially painful when we've spent too much time getting to know each other before the date. In my case I don't even bother asking if she's working on it. .I just dump her. . Is that the preferred option?
I think it's the way he went about it that is kind of douchy. I think a simple hey it was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a fit right now. That way she could have fumed and been miffed rather than feeling so superficially judged.2 -
Cameron_1969 wrote: »So. . I have to ask.. First off, the OP looks fantastic (if that's what she really looks like) . . HOWEVER!. . I have been on enough online dates to know that the rule (not the exception) is that the person that shows up doesn't look like their pictures and is generally much heavier than their pictures suggest. I suppose I'm an asshat and a jerk and all that stuff for not being able to "see past it" etc. . but sorry. . can't.
So.. the question is.. What should the guy have done? How SHOULD he have dealt with this. . And I'm not asking for judgy comments about how he shouldn't be so vain or superficial. People like what they like. I am intimately aware of this curse. I am asking this because I genuinely would like advice on this. The reason I don't online date anymore is because I hate the part where I have to tortuously explain that I like her but "we just aren't a match". This is especially painful when we've spent too much time getting to know each other before the date. In my case I don't even bother asking if she's working on it. .I just dump her. . Is that the preferred option?
I think it's the way he went about it that is kind of douchy. I think a simple hey it was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a fit right now. That way she could have fumed and been miffed rather than feeling so superficially judged.
Why should be fume about it not working out or be miffed about it? Not everyone is everyone else's type. Anyway, everyone likes what they like. For some, the physical may be more important than to others. How can we be judgmental about the guy and slam him for being judgmental? She wasn't his type physically, that's understandable. Move on. Who are we to judge what he likes or dislikes? He obviously liked her personality, or so he said. Maybe he just wants what he considers the entire package? Who knows.
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Cameron_1969 wrote: »So. . I have to ask.. First off, the OP looks fantastic (if that's what she really looks like) . . HOWEVER!. . I have been on enough online dates to know that the rule (not the exception) is that the person that shows up doesn't look like their pictures and is generally much heavier than their pictures suggest. I suppose I'm an asshat and a jerk and all that stuff for not being able to "see past it" etc. . but sorry. . can't.
So.. the question is.. What should the guy have done? How SHOULD he have dealt with this. . And I'm not asking for judgy comments about how he shouldn't be so vain or superficial. People like what they like. I am intimately aware of this curse. I am asking this because I genuinely would like advice on this. The reason I don't online date anymore is because I hate the part where I have to tortuously explain that I like her but "we just aren't a match". This is especially painful when we've spent too much time getting to know each other before the date. In my case I don't even bother asking if she's working on it. .I just dump her. . Is that the preferred option?
I think it's the way he went about it that is kind of douchy. I think a simple hey it was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a fit right now. That way she could have fumed and been miffed rather than feeling so superficially judged.
I agree with this in principal, but there really doesn't seem to be any 'good' way to go about doing what it is he was trying to do. It seems to me the guy actually did like her and figured he'd at least try rather than just give up. In fact, he seems to have seen long-term potential. If she posted about how he never talked to her again, or how he said "we just aren't a match" . the responses would have all been the same. ."douche, jerk, dodged bullet, etc, etc, etc,". Compared to some of the truly mean-spirited things that I've heard guys say, and some that have been said to me by women. . I think this guy was pretty clearly well-intentioned. .It's a no win situation.2 -
Markdjones83 wrote: »I could see it if you were way overweight, but you look in decent shape from your pictures
Just move on and take no offense.
Why is this comment so funny to me?0 -
_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Markdjones83 wrote: »I could see it if you were way overweight, but you look in decent shape from your pictures Just move on and take no offense.
Why is this comment so funny to me?
Because it just is!. .0 -
Cameron_1969 wrote: »Cameron_1969 wrote: »So. . I have to ask.. First off, the OP looks fantastic (if that's what she really looks like) . . HOWEVER!. . I have been on enough online dates to know that the rule (not the exception) is that the person that shows up doesn't look like their pictures and is generally much heavier than their pictures suggest. I suppose I'm an asshat and a jerk and all that stuff for not being able to "see past it" etc. . but sorry. . can't.
So.. the question is.. What should the guy have done? How SHOULD he have dealt with this. . And I'm not asking for judgy comments about how he shouldn't be so vain or superficial. People like what they like. I am intimately aware of this curse. I am asking this because I genuinely would like advice on this. The reason I don't online date anymore is because I hate the part where I have to tortuously explain that I like her but "we just aren't a match". This is especially painful when we've spent too much time getting to know each other before the date. In my case I don't even bother asking if she's working on it. .I just dump her. . Is that the preferred option?
I think it's the way he went about it that is kind of douchy. I think a simple hey it was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a fit right now. That way she could have fumed and been miffed rather than feeling so superficially judged.
I agree with this in principal, but there really doesn't seem to be any 'good' way to go about doing what it is he was trying to do. It seems to me the guy actually did like her and figured he'd at least try rather than just give up. In fact, he seems to have seen long-term potential. If she posted about how he never talked to her again, or how he said "we just aren't a match" . the responses would have all been the same. ."douche, jerk, dodged bullet, etc, etc, etc,". Compared to some of the truly mean-spirited things that I've heard guys say, and some that have been said to me by women. . I think this guy was pretty clearly well-intentioned. .It's a no win situation.
^^^---this. There is no "nice" way to say, "Hey, I really like you but physically I'd like you to look different." Honesty is always better than not.0 -
_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Markdjones83 wrote: »I could see it if you were way overweight, but you look in decent shape from your pictures Just move on and take no offense.
Why is this comment so funny to me?
Umm, maybe because it makes no sense. Underweight, overweight, waaay overweight, either way the guy was saying that he wasn't satisfied with her physical fitness level. Should it matter to what extreme or lack thereof she is, was or is not?0 -
_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Markdjones83 wrote: »I could see it if you were way overweight, but you look in decent shape from your pictures Just move on and take no offense.
Why is this comment so funny to me?
Umm, maybe because it makes no sense. Underweight, overweight, waaay overweight, either way the guy was saying that he wasn't satisfied with her physical fitness level. Should it matter to what extreme or lack thereof she is, was or is not?
Why did he have to say it at all? Weight is always a touchy subject. Also it is rather shallow like saying well you had brown hair in your pic you sent me and now you're blond I like brunettes. Ya it's honest but sounds incredibly superficial.
Sometimes it's easier just to say it didn't work out. Let's move on0 -
as they say about online dating
women worry they will get raped or murdered , men's biggest concern is they will meet a fat woman
you will find someone who is actually worthy , no worries4 -
lol what a douche. Hope he enjoys the company of his right hand.
Oh and this chick had the same thing happen to her and handled it like a boss.
eonline.com/news/663068/this-woman-had-the-perfect-response-to-a-guy-who-told-her-you-need-to-f-king-lose-weight2 -
I'm gonna guess you didn't put out.
Seriously, that guy is a capital D D0UCH3 BAG. You should just send an email back that says. "Thanks for the date. Now I know why you are single."2 -
Just an a question and observation: Why is it that a woman can turn down a guy for something material (i.e. don't have a job, have a job but don't make enough money, don't own a home, no higher level education, hey you're missing teeth, I don't like the way you dress) and it's all good and justified, but if a guy says anything about what he wants related to anything material, then he's just superficial. Seems like a double standard in my book. How it seems is it's like a guy should want a women for who she is and not turn her away for anything else. However, a woman reserves the right to be selective, even to the point of turning a guy down for whatever reason strikes her fancy. I've seen guys turned down because they didn't pay for every meal and every date, didn't pull out a woman's chair or open the door for her, had hair on his chest, back arms or whatever body part that turned a woman off, wore a baseball hat, wore sunglasses, wore tennis shoes, wore flip flops, didn't drive a nice enough car, had a bald spot or any other number of things.
Furthermore, if he had just left it at "you're nice but I don't think we'll work out", the first question would have been well why not. People typically want to know what's wrong with them that they get turned down or it kind of eats away at them. In this case, the guy wasn't saying that he didn't want a relationship with her, just that having a partner that is fit and healthy for him is important to him. To each their own. That in itself shouldn't make the guy a douche.
I'm not defending this guy at all. I would have definitely handled the situation differently. For example, if the guy liked the OP then he should have just asked her thoughts on exercise, fitness and the like to get an idea of how dedicated she is to it and made a judgment on her answers instead of making it sound like he was calling her fat and then demanding that she get in a certain level of fitness for his sake if she wanted to date him. If that was what a women said to a guy, most likely the guy would be cool with it and either moved on or lost weight. Most guys wouldn't take it personally but men have to understand women are a lot more sensitive about it.3 -
I applaud his honesty though. My kinda guy lol1
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Here's the thing. Dude is not being honest:
I'm not asking you to lose weight for me, that would make me a real *kitten*. I guess I'm asking if you are in the process of losing weight and going in the direction. If so, I definitely want to see more of you. If not, I don't think it would work between us, and that pains me to type because I think you're a really special woman
So he's not asking you to lose weight for him, however, if you're not losing weight he doesn't want to date anymore. Sounds like he's basically asking you to lose weight to be with him.
That's the only problem. He's entitled to dig someone who he thinks is thinner. OP is entitled to dig someone who has no bald spot. It would have been better if he had just said - I typically like someone who is thinner than you; 1) I'm either willing to get over it (although, if this were me, I wouldn't say anything since your internal dialogue can handle this); or 2) I'm not willing to get over it, so if you ever get thinner, give me a call (although, if this were me, I would have just told her thanks for the date, don't think we're a good match because I don't think it's very nice to ask people to change after a first date).
That's honesty. I likely wouldn't ever go out with him again given those parameters (my weight fluctuates, if thinness is important to you, then you and I are not a good match). Basically this guy wanted to pussyfoot around the issue and ended up looking stupid. The fact is it's super hard to change people - and some people won't change. To ask someone to change (or if they're already in the process of changing) after a first date seems sort of entitled.2 -
Here's the thing. Dude is not being honest:
I'm not asking you to lose weight for me, that would make me a real *kitten*. I guess I'm asking if you are in the process of losing weight and going in the direction. If so, I definitely want to see more of you. If not, I don't think it would work between us, and that pains me to type because I think you're a really special woman
So he's not asking you to lose weight for him, however, if you're not losing weight he doesn't want to date anymore. Sounds like he's basically asking you to lose weight to be with him.
That's the only problem. He's entitled to dig someone who he thinks is thinner. OP is entitled to dig someone who has no bald spot. It would have been better if he had just said - I typically like someone who is thinner than you; 1) I'm either willing to get over it (although, if this were me, I wouldn't say anything since your internal dialogue can handle this); or 2) I'm not willing to get over it, so if you ever get thinner, give me a call (although, if this were me, I would have just told her thanks for the date, don't think we're a good match because I don't think it's very nice to ask people to change after a first date).
That's honesty. I likely wouldn't ever go out with him again given those parameters (my weight fluctuates, if thinness is important to you, then you and I are not a good match). Basically this guy wanted to pussyfoot around the issue and ended up looking stupid. The fact is it's super hard to change people - and some people won't change. To ask someone to change (or if they're already in the process of changing) after a first date seems sort of entitled.
I approve of this message.
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Wow that's crazy!1
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J. If that was what a women said to a guy, most likely the guy would be cool with it and either moved on or lost weight. Most guys wouldn't take it personally but men have to understand women are a lot more sensitive about it.
LOL 90% of the time when i turn down a man he throws a temper tantrum
its pretty rare that they understand and move on without insulting my appearance first or calling me some kinda slut
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salembambi wrote: »J. If that was what a women said to a guy, most likely the guy would be cool with it and either moved on or lost weight. Most guys wouldn't take it personally but men have to understand women are a lot more sensitive about it.
LOL 90% of the time when i turn down a man he throws a temper tantrum
its pretty rare that they understand and move on without insulting my appearance first or calling me some kinda slut
OK, that's makes me ashamed of my gender.
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salembambi wrote: »J. If that was what a women said to a guy, most likely the guy would be cool with it and either moved on or lost weight. Most guys wouldn't take it personally but men have to understand women are a lot more sensitive about it.
LOL 90% of the time when i turn down a man he throws a temper tantrum
its pretty rare that they understand and move on without insulting my appearance first or calling me some kinda slut
I didn't even think you liked guys? I was way off. My sincerest apologies.0
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