Have you mourned?
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I miss being able to eat Nutella out the tub, one heaped tablespoon is a few hundred cals though so not worth it!3
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I don't necessarily wish to eat out of control anymore, but I do have ideas for weird foods at random times of the day and I just can't get over them. Like if I've already eaten my appropriate calories for the day, I might still have noodles or something as a snack before going to bed... I should probably stop buying ANYTHING that I love to eat so much, but that would be really kinda sad, wouldn't it. I've already tried only eating foods that I don't really "crave" but that makes me crave the foods I desire even more. I've also experimented with eating breakfast later (like today at 11:30 AM) or skipping breakfast altogether and going straight for lunch later, but... I still have these weird cravings at weird times of the day when I shouldn't be eating anymore.
Well, right now I'm just happy counting calories. No matter what I eat and how much, I'll be counting them.
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queenliz99 wrote: »I have mourned but it is not food.
Yep. I mourn the loss of a loved one. I celebrate getting rid of bad habits.2 -
You know, I've actually been trying to put this feeling into words for the past couple days, and you did it! I absolutely mourn this; I am also fairly short (and looking to lose the last few lbs), and I can easily undo a week's worth of a deficit in an HOUR on the weekends. Unfortunately, I don't feel as though this desire to overeat will ever go away. I get angry and frustrated every day and just wish I could be "normal." I, too, allow myself a more than reasonable amount of calories (probably more than 90% of the 5'2" women on here eat), and it doesn't help at all. I guess all we can hope for is that this goes away with time.3
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I can totally relate to OP. I understand what you mean by "mourning". To me, for the first 10 months of my journey, things were easier. I wasn't "hungry" and creating a deficit was simple. Now I am trying to lose the last 5-7 lbs and it's OH so hard. Like you, I am very petite and no longer overweight. I'm at a healthy BMI but would like to get to a place where I have room to maintain within a range. I do "mourn" because I now think about food more often than before and I have cravings that I never had even before starting my journey (usually cakes and sweet treats, and I used to be a savoury kind of person!). Like others said, perhaps I miss blissful ignorance of food composition. Another poster said that it's a pain you learn to live with. I totally agree. It may sound dramatic as someone else labeled it, but unfortunately not all of us can lose weight by "eating to our heart's content" two or three times a week. For me, a weekend of indulgence means about two weeks of strict cutting to correct the consequences. I'm with you, I'm very short too
My comment may not be comforting, but one thing I can tell you: it's absolutely worth it and I'm not letting up. 2 -
For me, I wouldn't choose the word mourn although it's in the ballpark. I would say I feel wistful about it. Like oh man wasn't that awesome when I could buy a whole bag of doritos and eat it in one day with half a block of melted velveeta to dip it in. Mmm. But I haven't done that in years. So I don't actually remember what that tastes like, I only remember those little fireworks going off in my brain while I did it. I think that helps, that I don't remember EXACTLY what I'm missing some of the time. and so those things I don't crave and that helps.
So on to the things where I do know and crave and remember.
I also think about how I feel after I give in to those binge impulses, which I still do, from time to time, and I hate that about myself because I am on those last 10 ish pounds. And almost every time, here is what happens
1) Depending on how bad it is, it's incredibly, INCREDIBLY difficult to keep it to one meal, or even one day. Because my cravings ramp up immensely after I give in. I cannot have just ONE treat. and the next day tends to be miserable with cravings. But once I manage to put them away in a corner of my brain and get back on track, I'm good. Sometimes that is easier than other times.
2) I don't feel good about it afterwards. It's not a physical thing, physically it's great, but mentally, I feel defeated. Like, dammit, I know what I Just did was bad for me. I just took myself further away from my goal. That thing I just did, I am not taking care of myself. I am not doing the right thing. It's a direct contrast to the way I feel when I AM on track. Which are thoughts like "Yeah, I stayed in my budget today. Nice. I am on track. I am in CONTROL. I GOT THIS." Which is a much more triumphant feeling and it's subtle but I feel it day in and day out and it's noticeably absent when I'm on these binge streaks.
To be honest the feeling of being in control of myself, combined with the weight loss, is better than the feeling of binging. My hormones convince me otherwise sometimes, but after I binge, I always regret. I dont know if this helps, but just my two cents. You gotta find a way to frame it that works for you in your lifestyle.2 -
I still go on binges of some things sometimes, even after losing 80lbs and sitting pretty in maintenance. Last weekend was icecream, I just couldn't stop.....Yesterday was Maynards Sour Cherry Blasters...they recommend 9, I ate more than double that! I just try to remember: What I do most often will affect me more than what I sometimes do. So I try not to let it happen too often!1
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endlessfall16 wrote: »rankinsect,
Eating "gallons" of ice cream is enjoyment? I'm feeling stomach ache and tooth pain just imagining it.
For me, 2 pints in one seating while leaving room for other goodies are good. I was going for something that's far more reasonable and realistic. But sure I got your point that everyone's freaky eating is different. Is it even possible for a stomach to physically house 2 gallons?
I have a theory there are two kinds of overweight people...snackers and bingers. If you are a snacker, of course you're never going to understand what binging is like.
One of those British shows on fat people talked about a study they did on overweight folks. Basically, a LOT of the overweight people don't ever feel full...but they also don't feel hungry. It's sort of like someone who's done crystal meth. Your body can't re-create that endorphin release that the drug gives you in a natural way, ever. So you are always chasing the high from the drug. Obviously I don't know if binging CAUSES this problem or if these folks had this issue to begin with, but this is definitely me. After binging I often don't feel full for HOURS. So I can pretty much eat and eat and eat without the feeling of discomfort or the feeling that I should stop. Sometimes, hours later, I will regret it. But it's so far from the eating experience that my subconscious brain doesn't connect the two.
I know I can eat a gallon of ice cream AFTER a large fast food meal, so I'm sure I can consume two gallons easy. Remember your stomach isn't the only place food sits. There are pathways to your stomach and out of your stomach. And you tend to eat ice cream more slowly than you would drink water, so it has plenty of time to move around.6 -
I get you. About a month ago I was so tired of guarding my food choices, and I was feeling low and empty, and i wasn't necessarily craving foods, but I was craving the freedom to eat anything at any time. I ended up downing a dozen large cookies nearly every day for 3 weeks. Oh yeah, put on some pounds, but there was emotional joy in it. Not even in the taste, but in putting something in my mouth without caring about it. 3 days back on the wagon now. Eating right is restrictive. I get the "eat anything within your calorie allotment" people, but you know how tiny my favorite food portions are following that principle? I totally get mourning the freedom to just eat. It can be totally oppressive to have to think about every bite that goes in your mouth. The decision fatigue that comes with counting calories makes me miss the freedom of a carefree meal.1
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blues4miles,
I'm both a snacker and a binger. My house is awash with chips, nuts, m&m, beef jerky, various drinks and beer types, etc. I'm a curious person. I used to eat snacks all day but since beginning of this year I kinda do much less.
And I'm addicted to buffets, almost any kinds. People going with me got freaked out by the amount of foods I eat.
I'm not sure about " a LOT of the overweight people don't ever feel full." Every single (overweight) person going out to eat with me eventually told me they were very full and couldn't eat another bite since I asked them as I tended to take much longer to finish, unless they lied and acted very well.
I could get uncomfortably full immediately after a restaurant visit and then comfortably full and cravings-free for the next 10, 12 hours. When I'm full I can eat more but it'd probably be like chewing on a day old bagel -- not interesting or pleasurable at all.
Anyway, I've been thinking about the point that I wanted to make in this thread.
For most people it took years to put on 10s, 100+ lbs from consistent overeating; and many here took months or a much shorter time to drop 30, 70 lbs. So, why worry and miss out and "mourn" the lack of a couple all out treat days a month? Where's the confidence in your self control?
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OP, check out this blog sometime if you'd like a powerful weight loss story of a binge eater (as well as lots of delicious, healthy recipes): http://www.andiemitchell.com/
She also wrote a memoir called "It Was Me All Along." At the end of the book she lists all the things she loves about being at a healthy weight. Then she lists all the things that she misses about being obese and eating whatever and whenever she wanted, even 10 years later, even after she's accomplished so much and become a much healthier person. I think for many people who binge, especially if binging is strongly linked to emotional comfort, the desire to eat a ton of food with wild abandon is always there.3 -
The great thing about counting calories is no particular food has to be off limits. I just have to not overeat each day. Most days I follow this rule, and been for overs year. But mentally it's a struggle every day. Even when I follow the plan, I still wish I could go crazy and eat recklessly. I'm not saying I do it (at least, not that often) but I WANT to. The habit of logging hasn't turned off the desire to overeat. I wish it would. I know overeating makes me feel awful and full in the short term, and obviously prevents my weight loss goals. But these desire is still there anyway.
Have you "mourned" overeating and completely moved past the desire to eat with no control? (I'm not talking about a yearly special holiday indulgence or occasionally saving up calories for a big weekend indulgence. I'm talking About the desire to just eat too much with no planning or control)
Yes. I feel this way about fitness too occasionally. Once you are in a healthy mind set (counting calories or macros, whatever it may be, and working out regularly - in my case lifting) it is crazy to think that this is permanent. You can not eat crazy without a care in the world or skip the gym for two months without having guilty feelings and inevitably feeling unhealthy (even if you don't end up gaining weight back). Sometimes I think of it negatively like this and "mourn" as you said, but for the most part I am thankful for the healthy lifestyle that I have fallen into. The times when I mourn are more so related to when I put the gym above family/friends time (I tend to get really OCD and prioritize the gym too highly) and when I feel terribly guilty after eating a bite of a treat or having a cheat weekend/vacation.
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I'd agree with @AceofIvies that it's a wistful feeling -- and less about the food than it is about the not-caring. Not caring about things was great. I also liked in childhood where I didn't care about bills, about my future, or about things beyond my control. And for the most part, the binge foods I used to eat are things I either don't miss, or can now eat in moderate amounts. (That last part took a looooong time.)
And like a few people on the thread, I find that if I get into "binge like I used to eat" territory, I do feel uncomfortable and gross physically. Sometimes it's worth it. I had the most amazing engagement party turned fun weekend, and I literally ate a pound over maintenance last week. I regret nothing, because in the long term it's a small thing. And now this week, I can jump in reminded that yeah, that's fun once in a while. But it's not a way to live.
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Also, @endlessfall16, we get it: you can eat whatever you want and never have any trouble with your weight management, you special snowflake. Clearly this thread offers you nothing, unless what you want is to continually disagree with people who are telling you that their experience is very different than yours.6 -
I used to sit and eat an entire bag of potato chips dipped in a jar of nutella, followed by 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's, then a whole large pizza, then a bag of doritos, then a 20 pc nugget and large fry from mcdonalds. I could eat that in one day and have room for tons more. Lol. But at the time I was one of those people who acted like I accepted myself for being fat and didn't care, when deep down I did. Mourning would be a pretty accurate word for giving up eating whatever I wanted, but it's worth it to not feel like crap and uncomfortable in my skin.1
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What's weird for me is that the quantity I would eat in a sitting wasn't that big. I mean, sure, I'd eat a whole sleeve of cookies or a pint of ice cream, but I wouldn't eat a whole pizza or 2 pints of ice cream. So I guess I was more of a grazer. And I'd have no problem eating the same quantity of food now. 3500 calories in a day? Easy!
So yeah, I miss being able to eat something until I am satisfied. I still occasionally get satisfied with one square of chocolate/one serving of ice cream but it really takes an effort and I have to be 'in the mood' and completely in control when I start. Mostly what I miss is being able to eat what I want when I want to. I mean, I used to eat junk all day and not really have meals. Can't really do that anymore. I see people replacing their lunch by cake or pie but that wouldn't fly with me unless I wanted to be starving all afternoon, lol.3 -
Great topic. Especially for those of us who are emotional eaters......
I used to drink. And drug.
I gave it up....all of it and probably, to some degree, replaced whatever it was that booze/drugs gave me, with food.
No no....not cucumbers and kale. Chips, pizza, fries, chocolate, candy, cheese, burgers.....
The degree to which I used food to cope really asserted itself when I gave up cigarettes. (Over 2yrs ago)
30lbs later, a second go at MFP, a broken thyroid....and here I am.
Grieving.3 -
Not at all what I got from his comments.
Also, @endlessfall16, we get it: you can eat whatever you want and never have any trouble with your weight management, you special snowflake. Clearly this thread offers you nothing, unless what you want is to continually disagree with people who are telling you that their experience is very different than yours.
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I found out I was gluten intolerant about 6 months ago, and I TRULY mourned the loss of eating gluten. Denial, anger, the whole 9 yards.
At this point, I'm mostly over it. I still experience the occasional "moan" when I smell yeast rolls or fresh baked cookies, but for the most part I'm done being mad and feeling sorry for myself.
I realize that this does not exactly fall into the category of mourning the loss of overeating, but in a way it does. I discovered that wheat was/is addictive and it was causing my overeating issues. It was ALWAYS what made me fall off of the weight loss wagon. I think back over my binges over the years - when I was trying to count calories - but I would have a moment when I would say, "Forget it. I'm just gonna eat." It was always something involving wheat. Fresh baked cookies. Hot yeast rolls. Oreos. Finding out about the gluten issue has been so hard, and yet, it has solved my overeating problem altogether. Sure, I can binge on sugar, but I don't tend to.
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I found out I was gluten intolerant about 6 months ago, and I TRULY mourned the loss of eating gluten. Denial, anger, the whole 9 yards.
At this point, I'm mostly over it. I still experience the occasional "moan" when I smell yeast rolls or fresh baked cookies, but for the most part I'm done being mad and feeling sorry for myself.
I realize that this does not exactly fall into the category of mourning the loss of overeating, but in a way it does. I discovered that wheat was/is addictive and it was causing my overeating issues. It was ALWAYS what made me fall off of the weight loss wagon. I think back over my binges over the years - when I was trying to count calories - but I would have a moment when I would say, "Forget it. I'm just gonna eat." It was always something involving wheat. Fresh baked cookies. Hot yeast rolls. Oreos. Finding out about the gluten issue has been so hard, and yet, it has solved my overeating problem altogether. Sure, I can binge on sugar, but I don't tend to.
That must be rough. At the same time though, in a way it might be 'easier' if you know that you'll get sick if you eat that stuff? Easier in the sense that it's just not really an option... I mean, I know that if something is going to make me sick, I'm less tempted to eat it.0 -
Sometimes I mourn being a young person who could eat & drink like a man! My hair was better then too :-(2
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