Insecurity ruining my marriage

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  • vaporhockey83
    vaporhockey83 Posts: 84 Member
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    I'm having "marital issues" that likely won't pan out, but hoping for the best. Weight loss helped ME a lot personally, but it hasn't made my relationship better. Having fewer health issues, better blood pressure, feeling better generally, and feeling more confident about my physical appearance. Playing hockey again where I refused to at a heavier weight. Communication with your spouse goes a lot further than weight loss with your insecurity. Go see a counselor for the insecurity(even if by yourself). In my own personal experience, that has helped me more than losing weight. Sure, it's nice looking good, but that doesn't solve the rest of the equation. Hang in there and best of luck.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    Here's an inspiring story on body image.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/14/embrace-taryn-brumfitt_n_5318178.html

    Here's how I would sum it up. Love yourself first; love your body the way it is. Feed it good things and make it strong.

    Write a list of things you love about your relationship now, and make a plan, you and him, to preserve that.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    In my defense when I say older she is 46 and we are 27. She is very pretty. I still do not think anything is going at all but I am not getting jealous over some little old lady. Lol. So I'm cray. But not totally cray. Lol:)
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    I even picked up smoking again for the last three weeks after 1 year and 8 months smoke free. I have to get a handle on it. I guess it's just coping. I really have no excuse.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    You're stressed and anxious. It is pretty normal to head for comforts when people are stressed and anxious. Work on feeling better and it will be easier to make better choices.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    Three years ago I lost 55 lbs and felt amazing. Since then I have lost touch and gained it all back. I feel miserable and terrible about myself. This has greatly effected my marriage. I have so much self doubt lately and can't help but feel insecure and that it is only a matter of time before my husband sees me the way I do. Recently he was texting a much older coworker and I lost it. There was nothing inappropriate but I admit my reaction was parallel to finding out he hired a hooker. They were texting often and it spiraled me out of control. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am a happy and outgoing person normally and now I am anti social and sad all the time. I am tired of being the ugliest girl in the room and feeling like no matter how nice my hair make up and clothes look it's thrown out because I'm fat. I feel like I've pushed my husband away and he is getting fed up. I signed back up here and have lost 16 pounds and already feel better. I guess all of this rambling leads to a question. How do I repair damage with someone who doesn't understand what it feels like to be so insecure ? And those who have lost weight.. Do you feel losing weight fixes your head? Are you unhappy because you are fat or fat because you are unhappy?

    I would speak to someone about your feelings - doctor, counsellor etc, work on you which will ultimately help your marriage
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    In my defense when I say older she is 46 and we are 27. She is very pretty. I still do not think anything is going at all but I am not getting jealous over some little old lady. Lol. So I'm cray. But not totally cray. Lol:)

    46 is a little old lady... :huh: you are definitely jealous...
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    In my defense when I say older she is 46 and we are 27. She is very pretty. I still do not think anything is going at all but I am not getting jealous over some little old lady. Lol. So I'm cray. But not totally cray. Lol:)

    Stop. The details don't matter. That there are others that are exactly like you doesn't matter. There are also lots of people that fail to manage their anxieties and end in divorce. Are you going to be comforted if you end in the same basket?

    Deal with your anxiety. Period. See someone now, counsel or medical support. Get help to stop this.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    DanniB423 wrote: »
    In my defense when I say older she is 46 and we are 27. She is very pretty. I still do not think anything is going at all but I am not getting jealous over some little old lady. Lol. So I'm cray. But not totally cray. Lol:)

    46 is a little old lady... :huh: you are definitely jealous...

    LOL I don't consider it old really. Old for him. But not old. And she is blonde with panda bear eye liner and tattoos. No granny I know:) lol
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    I meant 46 is NOT a little old lady. Lol
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    EvgeniZyntx wrote: »
    DanniB423 wrote: »
    In my defense when I say older she is 46 and we are 27. She is very pretty. I still do not think anything is going at all but I am not getting jealous over some little old lady. Lol. So I'm cray. But not totally cray. Lol:)

    Stop. The details don't matter. That there are others that are exactly like you doesn't matter. There are also lots of people that fail to manage their anxieties and end in divorce. Are you going to be comforted if you end in the same basket?

    Deal with your anxiety. Period. See someone now, counsel or medical support. Get help to stop this.
    You are absolutely right.
  • doktorglass
    doktorglass Posts: 91 Member
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    Even if you need to work on yourself and your attitude towards life, I do suggest that you include your husband. Worst thing for a person when a loved one is going through difficulty is feeling helpless, useless and excluded. From experience, I found that clear and honest communication with my partner about how I feel in general and what I need in particular from him regardless how childish and stupid it sounds alleviates frustration on both sides.
  • jorinya
    jorinya Posts: 933 Member
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    I can emphasise with you. My husband used to get phone calls at all hours of the day or night from his friend's widow. She wouldn't stop calling him and it got me so angry. I couldn't understand why he would talk to her after her husband's family said that she killed her husband. I don't know the facts but I certainly didn't want another woman calling my husband and taking away my time with him. She was beginning to be a problem. My husband would call me far but this woman was really fat and down right ugly. I started feeling so bad about myself and we drifted apart. She had gotten between us. Once she even called me to ask my why I'm treating him bad. What the.....? I was just reflecting what he was doing to me because of her. Next time she called him I told him to go ahead and talk to his wife that I'm just someone who lives in the same house. He didn't get the message until she started calling him about 20 or more times a day. He doesn't talk to her anymore. She hasn't gotten what she wanted and I'm happier than ever.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    jorinya wrote: »
    I can emphasise with you. My husband used to get phone calls at all hours of the day or night from his friend's widow. She wouldn't stop calling him and it got me so angry. I couldn't understand why he would talk to her after her husband's family said that she killed her husband. I don't know the facts but I certainly didn't want another woman calling my husband and taking away my time with him. She was beginning to be a problem. My husband would call me far but this woman was really fat and down right ugly. I started feeling so bad about myself and we drifted apart. She had gotten between us. Once she even called me to ask my why I'm treating him bad. What the.....? I was just reflecting what he was doing to me because of her. Next time she called him I told him to go ahead and talk to his wife that I'm just someone who lives in the same house. He didn't get the message until she started calling him about 20 or more times a day. He doesn't talk to her anymore. She hasn't gotten what she wanted and I'm happier than ever.

    The what now?!
  • MK24551
    MK24551 Posts: 174 Member
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    I'm sorry your dealing with this, weight definitely does a number on ones self esteem. Losing weight will not fix your relationship or your feelings of insecurity. You should address with your husband how you feel about him texting other women (regardless of their age) also address him hiring a hooker (not sure the details of that but hiring a hooker doesn't sound acceptable)
    Be open with him on your feelings about your weight and your other issues with him. Hope all works out. Good luck!
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    MK24551 wrote: »
    I'm sorry your dealing with this, weight definitely does a number on ones self esteem. Losing weight will not fix your relationship or your feelings of insecurity. You should address with your husband how you feel about him texting other women (regardless of their age) also address him hiring a hooker (not sure the details of that but hiring a hooker doesn't sound acceptable)
    Be open with him on your feelings about your weight and your other issues with him. Hope all works out. Good luck!

    Oh my goodness. I think I worded that wrong. I said my reaction to him texting the co worker was parallel to him hiring a hooker. Meaning I freaked out and over reacted as if he had done something insanely terrible. He didn't hire a hooker. Lol. I meant I acted as if he had. Sorry about that.
  • MK24551
    MK24551 Posts: 174 Member
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    OHHHHHHH ok now I understand! I miss read ok wooooh thank goodness!

    Talk to him and also look to talk to someone for urself. I went to a therapist every week for about a year and it was wonderful just to let it all out. Add me if you would like, I am here for support on your journey. Sorry for the mix up ;)
  • MissusMoon
    MissusMoon Posts: 1,900 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    Wow reading back to this a year ago! I am now divorcing after finding out it was a full blown affair. I want to go back and hug this "me" and tell her to run like hell. You are not crazy.

    Oddly enough, my first marriage ended when I was at the same age under similar circumstances. I love that you came back a year later and were so kind and loving to yourself. Looks like you're coming out of the fire a stronger person. Good for you. I wish you all the best.
  • williammuney
    williammuney Posts: 2,895 Member
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    That 46 year old will do things to him you couldn't even dream of.....

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