My husband is always angry at me

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Replies

  • AngeloInTexas
    AngeloInTexas Posts: 52 Member
    I'm no expert, but in my opinion weight loss is all in what you eat, you don't have to workout...so keep the faith!
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    d2othev wrote: »
    Hello everyone!

    I just got off work and while cooking decided to be brave and have my husband read my post and the comments. At first he looked angry. Then he put the phone down and started folding laundry. Perhaps hearing all of this from others instead of me helped :)

    Thanks for letting me vent and helping me come up with solutions ♡

    Good for you!
    Sometimes they just need an extra little nudge:)
    Especially if they grew up differently. Give him some time and keep an open dialogue about your feelings, maybe he'll catch on like he did tonight:)

    Here's my story-
    My husband has done dishes once. The day I gave birth.
    He did laundry once also. He put 10 tide laundry pods in and also added half of a box of dryer sheets to the washer. ( Yes he thought they went in the washing machine) he thought he did a good job because the clothes smelled good. Lol!
    So needless to say, I do all the housework in my house. ( I work full time, take care of my kid, go to gym and all the other busy mom stuff)
    Would I like for him to help more? Sure. But it's not a big deal for me. Everyone is different. For you, it is. Not every mom is the same and you have more kids then I do. So it's totally understandable that you need some help sometimes. We all have different ways of making our marriages work.

    What works for my home may not work for yours.
    Each marriage has a different dynamic.

    That's why I hesitated to comment on your marriage in the beginning. It's really easy for a bunch of strangers online to say"leave that jerk !" Without knowing the entire story.

    Since he's folding laundry tonight, maybe he'll start to be more mindful of your feelings. Keep trying to talk to him about it and let him know how important it is to you .

    As far as your weight loss goals, just eat at a calorie deficit. Remember that weight loss comes from a calorie deficit. Calories in calories out. Eat less then you burn and you'll lose weight

    Get yourself a food scale. Learn how to weigh your portions. Solids are for the food scale. Liquids for measuring cups.

    If you don't have time to go to a gym, that's okay. Plenty of people here have found workouts that they enjoy without the gym. Maybe start walking or biking. Maybe find some home workout routines on YouTube. Maybe get some kettlebells .

    You can do this!


  • KateTii
    KateTii Posts: 886 Member
    d2othev wrote: »
    Hello everyone!

    I just got off work and while cooking decided to be brave and have my husband read my post and the comments. At first he looked angry. Then he put the phone down and started folding laundry. Perhaps hearing all of this from others instead of me helped :)

    Thanks for letting me vent and helping me come up with solutions ♡

    I'm so, so glad to hear this. Make sure it doesn't last two days then stops. You can do this, together.
  • dmt4641
    dmt4641 Posts: 409 Member
    edited June 2016
    OP I actually love the way you handled this. Public shaming is a great motivator. I hope your husband gets off his butt and keeps helping you.

    My husband is sadly not too far off from yours (never wants to help with housework, pretty selfish) but without the anger issues. He grew up spoiled with zero chores and his mom did everything for him. Anyway, over the years we have slowly figured out the chores he is willing to help with. He deals with bills, dishes, general tidying, etc. I do laundry, vacuuming, cooking etc. Find what he is willing to do now and start there.

    I have a daily and weekly cleaning checklist that is laminated and I check off with a dry erase marker that sits out on the kitchen table. Things get done as I have pockets of time, it doesn't have to be on a schedule. A list like this could 1) show him all the stuff you have already done this day/week so he will get off your case and 2) show him what needs to be done so he can just do it without asking. I hate how a woman asking for help makes them into a nag. He sees the list, he's a big boy, he can do what needs to be done without you asking each time.

    Also, you need to make a schedule where you can go to the gym certain nights and he commits to help you with that. Maybe your gym nights can correspond with nights you eat leftovers/meal prepped items so that there are less dishes to deal with and you are not tired from cooking. You will be too tired to exercise if you worked, cleaned and cooked right before.


  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
    ^^ Good point^^ I raised my son to be a good husband, if that makes sense. He was helping me with house hold chores from a young age, vacuuming, dishes, laundry etc etc He and my daughter split the chores down the middle. I didn't work them hard though lol I just instilled in them to never treat anyone as their own personal maid, and if they wanted something extra special then they had to earn it.
  • jaedizzle01
    jaedizzle01 Posts: 775 Member
    Yay!!!!!
  • misskarne
    misskarne Posts: 1,765 Member
    d2othev wrote: »
    Hello everyone!

    I just got off work and while cooking decided to be brave and have my husband read my post and the comments. At first he looked angry. Then he put the phone down and started folding laundry. Perhaps hearing all of this from others instead of me helped :)

    Thanks for letting me vent and helping me come up with solutions ♡

    That's great news! Now make sure he doesn't do it just once and then slack off, or that he doesn't just fold laundry (the easiest job that really, a five or six year old could do).

    And did I read that there's a 16 year old in the house? And what, pray tell, are THEY doing?
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
    d2othev wrote: »
    Hello everyone!

    I just got off work and while cooking decided to be brave and have my husband read my post and the comments. At first he looked angry. Then he put the phone down and started folding laundry. Perhaps hearing all of this from others instead of me helped :)

    Thanks for letting me vent and helping me come up with solutions ♡

    So happy to read this! I hope he remembers these comments and continue to pitch in!
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
    ahoy_m8 wrote: »
    Hugs to you! You sound like a really sweet --and strong--person. I wish the best for you. Two thoughts:

    1) For you: Counseling just for yourself could be helpful, among other things to prioritize tasks. Everything can't be the top priority, so some things have to give some times. I also agree that sleep is incredibly important. Prioritize that!! Counseling could also help with communication techniques for working in a more partner-like way with DH. Nothing wrong with investing in yourself--mentally, physically, spiritually, all of it. It will make you a better parent & spouse, too.

    2) About DH: Anger is a secondary emotion. It rises out of other emotions.... e.g. betrayal, hurt pride, fear, sadness, feeling inferior, etc. Anger is like the tip of an ice berg..... it's the part you see but there is always something a lot bigger just under the surface. People who don't have a good understanding of their own emotions often get stuck in a cycle where all feelings get expressed as anger. Is it possible that he isn't so much angry at you, but rather, has other negative emotions he has trouble expressing? To be clear, this emotional work is HIS to do, if he wants to grow and be a better person and a better family member himself. It's not your work to do. But knowing this is HIS emotional limitation (not about you) might give you a different perspective on the dynamic. It's unlikely your changes (losing weight, having more energy) will do anything to change his self-expression skills (but still worthwhile for you!).

    ETA: This book is really old, but it really helped me understand my own anger.
    https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043

    You hit this right on. Anger is almost always the first emotion to surface but is rarely the real issue.
  • rennickm1986
    rennickm1986 Posts: 70 Member
    If what you post is accurate, your husband needs to come to the realization that he's a d*ck. It could be ego and selfishness that he thinks he works so hard he doesn't have to help and he doesn't think or care about your feelings, it could be machismo that he doesn't think men do that stuff (judging by the anger I'd guess it is mysoginy), it could be all of the above. Either way if you're a nurse you do a lot of work and pull your weight. He should too, even if he's used to not have to.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    If your husband had anger issues, then they are his issues. Your issues are a different matter. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he's got some things going internally that don't have all that much to do with you, it's just that you're a convenient target for the outworkings of those issues. Working on yourself will help you loads, and is the right thing to do, but I doubt it will solve the problem of your husband's anger; that's likely something he's going to have to decide to deal with himself.
  • zambucco
    zambucco Posts: 1 Member
    Let him be angry at you when he helps with the housework, you go to the gym, get your energy back, at least he won't be angry about that anymore!

    Use this myfitnesspal app it's the best weight loss product I've ever used. It really helps me keep on top of my calories in and out.
  • cassy_cake
    cassy_cake Posts: 20 Member
    Sat here ages reading SO many comments and wanted to say OP, good for you :)<3 xx
  • nats2508
    nats2508 Posts: 45 Member
    I'm sorry you are feeling so down, life is hard enough. Have you tried talking to your husband and asking for his help and support? It comes across loud and clear that you love him and if he loves you as much he will be willing to help you. Maybe he can come home and fix dinner 2/3 nights a week and maybe get a cleaner if the budget allows. You need time for yourself, we all need and deserve that.

    You don't even have to go to the gym, you can do a work out from you tube or better still, if you have the support, you can drop the kids of with trusted friends/relatives and work out together. You support him so its time for him to step up and if he responds negatively, then you know where you stand and maybe deeper issues need to be resolved? Let us know how you get on and in the meantime, keep your chin up xx
  • nats2508
    nats2508 Posts: 45 Member
    Just read the update, that's great! I think he can now see how much this means to you xx
  • lexylondon
    lexylondon Posts: 89 Member
    Let the housework go a bit, or let him blooming well do some. I go to the gym an hour a day whilst my partner looks after the kids. He plays sport twice a week. The house could be cleaner, but if I didn't have my time for me at the gym I would be unhappy and an unhappy house is worse than a slightly untidy one.
  • killdontmurder
    killdontmurder Posts: 142 Member
    People before me got it right...you don't have to go to the gym. Being an ER nurse, taking care of kids and a house is a lot of work. While at work, most of us burn a lot of calories, but by eating poorly we throw all of that away. Just my two sense. It's going to get better, you made the right choice by coming here.
  • Derpy_Hooves
    Derpy_Hooves Posts: 234 Member
    edited June 2016
    d2othev wrote: »

    My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore.

    I'm sorry but that's just ridiculous. What century is he from? This is 2016. You both work fulltime (and you work more than fulltime by the looks of it), so it's normal for both of you to look after the children and the housework.

    To be honest he doesn't sounds like a nice man at all, you have much more reason than he has to be angry. How dare he give out to you for not having a clean house. It's his bloody house too isn't it. It's no wonder you have no energy, with long shifts like that and no support whatsoever from him.

    Edit: only seeing your other post now. Well done lady and well done husband for finally getting your *kitten* in gear!
  • vczK2t
    vczK2t Posts: 309 Member
    edited June 2016
    ashliefisch wrote: »
    .....And f'real, there would be zero hanky panky if things were not changing.....

    Sit down with your husband, and tell him how it is. You're going to make time for yourself every day. Even if it's a walk for 30 minutes after he gets home, you're going to do it. He can step up and help, or the housework will suffer. It's up to him, you're totally fine with the house being a little lived in. That is what happens when you work and have kids after all.

    THEN, if he keeps being a child, consider that this may be emotional abuse and you need to get out. Coz any man who will be emotionally abusive to the mother of his children is NOT a good father. (This goes both ways)

  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    Good for you, OP, and GREAT JOB to your hubby!

    It's human nature to assume that our point-of-view is obvious and is clearly the right way to do things, but in reality relationships (both between couples and within families) rely on negotiations. Also, the way responsibilities are allocated changes over time. Since you're having the conversation between the two of you anyway, and since you have at least one teenager, maybe it's a good time to sit down as a family and talk about a better way to split up the day-to-day responsibilities so nobody feels unduly burdened? It could help your husband feel more receptive if the message he hears is "everyone is going to contribute" rather than "you need to do X, Y and Z." Plus, it'll certainly be good for your children to see that running a family unit means that everyone pitches in.
  • Colorscheme
    Colorscheme Posts: 1,179 Member
    edited June 2016
    If he's so mad, why doesn't he do any of that stuff? He needs to understand the gym is YOU time.

    Also, as someone who is chronically ill and has to go to the hospital once a year on average, thank you for all you do <3
  • sophomorelove
    sophomorelove Posts: 193 Member
    Housework should not be assumed a woman's responsibility by default, especially if both partners have jobs. I am sorry to hear you're dealing with this, but the fact is, he just doesn't get it, and there's not much you can do to change it. The only thing that opened my husband's eyes was when he had to stay home with our baby for a few months. I would come home from work and jokingly complain about dinner not being ready and laundry not being done. He really understood it then. He's a feminist now :)

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