Do you get told you don't need to lose weight?
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@Colorscheme I think it was your comment that she is "one of those body positive, HAES kind of a person".
I find it confusing how body positive translated to big is beautiful instead of healthy is beautiful. I think those lines blurred quite a bit in that campaign unfortunately, from a health perspective.0 -
People tell me I don't need to lose weight all the time and I didn't ask for their opinion. They often put me in defensive mode when they begin critiquing. I haven't been able to find something that will shut them dwn yet. I'm assuming people don't realize when they've crossed the line of Mind Yo Business! I would never tell someone they need to lose weight outside of my professional obligations.1
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People tell me I don't need to lose weight all the time and I didn't ask for their opinion. They often put me in defensive mode when they begin critiquing. I haven't been able to find something that will shut them dwn yet. I'm assuming people don't realize when they've crossed the line of Mind Yo Business! I would never tell someone they need to lose weight outside of my professional obligations.
Just say "thanks". They usually are sincere. I used to get that all the time. You know what? They were righr! Now I would love to be that weight again
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People tell me I don't need to lose weight all the time and I didn't ask for their opinion. They often put me in defensive mode when they begin critiquing. I haven't been able to find something that will shut them dwn yet. I'm assuming people don't realize when they've crossed the line of Mind Yo Business! I would never tell someone they need to lose weight outside of my professional obligations.
Just say "thanks". They usually are sincere. I used to get that all the time. You know what? They were righr! Now I would love to be that weight again .
Thank you Deb! How about that! That's the One response I haven't used! LOL!
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Some people said I didn't need to lose any, but once I'd dropped about 15-20 pounds, my aunt in particular was like, "oh yeah, you do look healthier now"! And at some point I learned that whenever someone asked if I was still trying to lose weight or something along those lines, I'd just answer with, 'nope, but I am trying to lower my body fat percentage" or something like that, and it usually shut them right up.
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^ I would be pretty uncomfortable for my weight to be such a topic of conversation! You handle it well.0
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msalicia116 wrote: »^ I would be pretty uncomfortable for my weight to be such a topic of conversation! You handle it well.
My aunt and I are pretty close, so it was no big deal. But others who asked once I was visibly smaller, mostly relatives and my mother (who always worries about me, no matter how old I get), who seemed to think I was going to get too thin or must be starving myself. Which is really silly, given that these conversations usually happened over weekly meals, where I was the one going back for seconds on things, and always having dessert! LOL 3 -
I think "you don't need to lose weight" is a common thing to say when a woman who isn't obviously overweight when she says she wants to lose weight -- because eating disorders and disordered thinking about food/warped perspective of themselves are so common. I think the intent is usually good. They just want want their friend/family member thinking they need to lose weight to look like unrealistic examples.
HAES and body positivity is really supposed to just encourage people to embrace the body you have and do the best you can to take care of you -- ie that your self worth shouldn't be tied to your physical size and that even if you are over weight, you should be active and take of yourself as best as you can (because as you well know OP, chronic health issues can strike even if you aren't morbidly obese).
All you can do is you - I have people tell me I don't need to lose more weight. But they don't know what my goals are (and they aren't thinness - that's for sure) and they usually don't really know me well enough to know I don't suffer from any kind of eating disorder or body image issue.5 -
devil_in_a_blue_dress wrote: »I think "you don't need to lose weight" is a common thing to say when a woman who isn't obviously overweight when she says she wants to lose weight -- because eating disorders and disordered thinking about food/warped perspective of themselves are so common. I think the intent is usually good. They just want want their friend/family member thinking they need to lose weight to look like unrealistic examples.
HAES and body positivity is really supposed to just encourage people to embrace the body you have and do the best you can to take care of you -- ie that your self worth shouldn't be tied to your physical size and that even if you are over weight, you should be active and take of yourself as best as you can (because as you well know OP, chronic health issues can strike even if you aren't morbidly obese).
All you can do is you - I have people tell me I don't need to lose more weight. But they don't know what my goals are (and they aren't thinness - that's for sure) and they usually don't really know me well enough to know I don't suffer from any kind of eating disorder or body image issue.
I was 130-140 lbs when I got ill. I think I got the short end of the stick sometimes because what 20 something year old without heart disease gets cardiac problems? It's not like I was born ill. It is baffling to a dr to be at a good weight and have high blood pressure even though I eat low sodium. And in the last 20 months, I've had four surgeries. But let me tell you...even though I was thinner when I was diagnosed with hyperadrenergic POTS, I felt like crap. Body pain all the time [knees and legs specifically], no stamina for anything, etc. Exercising has helped soooooo much. It really is true, the more you move the better you feel.
I still suffer from fatigue a bit and always will but at least I can get through the whole day without a nap. And I can take care of my son.1 -
So, I have been in similar situations where I was the considerably heavier person and the slightly overweight person talked about weight loss.
I have always given similar responses and told them they are fine at their current weight.... But really what else am I supposed to say? "Yes, you are a little overweight" seems rude, especially since I am clearly way worse at managing my own weight.
And a lot of times it comes with a lot of hidden emotional meaning when women call themselves overweight, so the response could just mean that she doesn't think you're ugly/ undisciplined/ have less worth than a slim person.
I'm not sure how detailed the response was, but if it's just a quick sentence after your comment, I wouldn't put too much stock into it.6 -
nikolausi88 wrote: »So, I have been in similar situations where I was the considerably heavier person and the slightly overweight person talked about weight loss.
I have always given similar responses and told them they are fine at their current weight.... But really what else am I supposed to say? "Yes, you are a little overweight" seems rude, especially since I am clearly way worse at managing my own weight.
And a lot of times it comes with a lot of hidden emotional meaning when women call themselves overweight, so the response could just mean that she doesn't think you're ugly/ undisciplined/ have less worth than a slim person.
I'm not sure how detailed the response was, but if it's just a quick sentence after your comment, I wouldn't put too much stock into it.
Just wanted to add another angel. Why not just engage in a conversation about it if she brought it up? Like, oh you're trying to lose weight? What are your goals? Cool, you'll definitely get there!
Because it's about her/him, not about you (not saying that's what you're doing).1 -
Everyone has their own ideas for their own weight. It can be subjective.
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devil_in_a_blue_dress wrote: »I think "you don't need to lose weight" is a common thing to say when a woman who isn't obviously overweight when she says she wants to lose weight -- because eating disorders and disordered thinking about food/warped perspective of themselves are so common. I think the intent is usually good. They just want want their friend/family member thinking they need to lose weight to look like unrealistic examples.
HAES and body positivity is really supposed to just encourage people to embrace the body you have and do the best you can to take care of you -- ie that your self worth shouldn't be tied to your physical size and that even if you are over weight, you should be active and take of yourself as best as you can (because as you well know OP, chronic health issues can strike even if you aren't morbidly obese).
All you can do is you - I have people tell me I don't need to lose more weight. But they don't know what my goals are (and they aren't thinness - that's for sure) and they usually don't really know me well enough to know I don't suffer from any kind of eating disorder or body image issue.
Less than 6% of the population has suffered from anorexia. Wanting to loose a few pounds for cosmetic reasons is a far cry from being anorexic. Telling someone they don't need to loose weight (and their goal remains in the healthy BMI range) is jealously masked with concern. No one has the right to tell others what their goals should be.6 -
Yes by my boss as she's eating fried chicken. To be fair I am in the normal BMI range but 10 pounds more than the median. Just because I look skinny in comparison to the rest of suburban Chicago doesn't make it so.6
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I used to say this exact thing to people a lot because I didn't want to be rude and agree that they needed to lose weight and I wanted them to know that I loved them no matter what. I stopped when I realized how irritating (and sometimes demoralizing) it was for people to say it to me. Now I say what I actually mean, which is, "I think you're lovely just as you are, but I am totally behind you if that's what you want to do!" That's what I'd like people to say to me.
I don't like to talk about weight loss, but I do like to talk about nutrition and fitness a fair bit, because they are a current fascination (wonder why, LOL).
My family, is a whole other ball of wax, LOL. I'd love to know how to say "We put the fun in dysfunctional" in Latin because it's our unofficial family motto. I just accept that my siblings going to say things like, "You're gonna blow away with the next breeze," or bring up some loony article full of bad information that they read on IHaveNeverHeardOfSnopes.com or something weird thing Oprah said (my sisters and Oprah, blah), and that they're going to tease me mercilessly about any details I might share, because we're like that. The last conversation included questions like, "So, you're a health nut now?" and "So, tell me why carbs are evil," and "Does this mean you can't eat anything good?" and "Just make sure you don't get anorexic," the last said while I was gobbling up my eighth slice of brisket. I respond with snark (like telling them I'm going to join a cannibal commune) and usually we all get a good laugh. But that's ONLY my siblings, because reasons. My dad always just tells me I look great, and my son and I don't tease each other about weight, because reasons.4 -
Everyone has their own ideas for their own weight. It can be subjective.
Less than 6% of the population has suffered from anorexia. Wanting to loose a few pounds for cosmetic reasons is a far cry from being anorexic. Telling someone they don't need to loose weight (and their goal remains in the healthy BMI range) is jealously masked with concern. No one has the right to tell others what their goals should be. [/quote]Yes by my boss as she's eating fried chicken. To be fair I am in the normal BMI range but 10 pounds more than the median. Just because I look skinny in comparison to the rest of suburban Chicago doesn't make it so.
Agree 100%!!!!2 -
Everyone has their own ideas for their own weight. It can be subjective.
Less than 6% of the population has suffered from anorexia. Wanting to loose a few pounds for cosmetic reasons is a far cry from being anorexic. Telling someone they don't need to loose weight (and their goal remains in the healthy BMI range) is jealously masked with concern. No one has the right to tell others what their goals should be.Yes by my boss as she's eating fried chicken. To be fair I am in the normal BMI range but 10 pounds more than the median. Just because I look skinny in comparison to the rest of suburban Chicago doesn't make it so.
Agree 100%!!!![/quote]
Yes, Anorexia is a mental disease that manifests in physical ways. A person with anorexia isn't going to lose a few pounds and then stop. They'll keep losing weight to the point where they are completely emaciated.1 -
I started at 151 and am now 141.6. When I tell my aunt (my diet buddy) and my mawmaw and other various close relatives I want to weigh 115 they tell me no way and I'll look disgusting and I don't even need to lose any weight at all. I think I'm gonna look great at 115 (I'm 5'5" and its a health BMI) so when family tells me I'm fine how I am, it's a little disheartening but I know what's best for me0
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leslienicole318 wrote: »I started at 151 and am now 141.6. When I tell my aunt (my diet buddy) and my mawmaw and other various close relatives I want to weigh 115 they tell me no way and I'll look disgusting and I don't even need to lose any weight at all. I think I'm gonna look great at 115 (I'm 5'5" and its a health BMI) so when family tells me I'm fine how I am, it's a little disheartening but I know what's best for me
Wait, you tell alllll those people your goal weight, knowing they're going to call you disgusting at that weight? Is this self sabotage? In all seriousness... Just why?
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Colorscheme wrote: »
Yes, Anorexia is a mental disease that manifests in physical ways. A person with anorexia isn't going to lose a few pounds and then stop. They'll keep losing weight to the point where they are completely emaciated.
Exactly! I get bulk of comments from BW I have been introduced to in social settings or coworkers (not friends). Here in the south, BW call themselves "thick" when in actuality they are overweight. So of course I look skinny to them because of their perception of what is "normal". I'm 45 and 3 kids later managed to keep a healthy BMI all these years. The nerve of people!2 -
Thank her for the compliment and say "If it was merely cosmetic, I'd say the same thing. But my doctor and I agree that being leaner could help my heart.
Best advice ever: assume the best about people's intentions.3 -
Colorscheme wrote: »
Yes, Anorexia is a mental disease that manifests in physical ways. A person with anorexia isn't going to lose a few pounds and then stop. They'll keep losing weight to the point where they are completely emaciated.
Exactly! I get bulk of comments from BW I have been introduced to in social settings or coworkers (not friends). Here in the south, BW call themselves "thick" when in actuality they are overweight. So of course I look skinny to them because of their perception of what is "normal". I'm 45 and 3 kids later managed to keep a healthy BMI all these years. The nerve of people!
That's like my sister. her and my parents are obese, she thinks I'm super skinny. I'm not. My fat hides in my boobs and upper thighs, so I look slimmer than I really am.1 -
Colorscheme wrote: »Colorscheme wrote: »
Yes, Anorexia is a mental disease that manifests in physical ways. A person with anorexia isn't going to lose a few pounds and then stop. They'll keep losing weight to the point where they are completely emaciated.
Exactly! I get bulk of comments from BW I have been introduced to in social settings or coworkers (not friends). Here in the south, BW call themselves "thick" when in actuality they are overweight. So of course I look skinny to them because of their perception of what is "normal". I'm 45 and 3 kids later managed to keep a healthy BMI all these years. The nerve of people!
That's like my sister. her and my parents are obese, she thinks I'm super skinny. I'm not. My fat hides in my boobs and upper thighs, so I look slimmer than I really am.
You take care of your health. Other posters have given some good suggestions on how to respond. I hope it helps. BTW, Thank goodness for the boob camouflage huh?
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Yep. When I was 213lbs people told me it was unnecessary (it was VERY necessary, even at 5'9" it was brutal to look at me). Now that I'm 137 working towards 130 I'm essentially accused of being a crazy anorexic all the time -_-0
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Sorry Jessica. People are so used to seeing obese and overweight people that normal weight looks scary skinny to them.3
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msalicia116 wrote: »@Colorscheme Just out of curiosity, but why didn't you just tell her according to your bmi, you're over weight and want to be healthy? The reason I ask is because you said she is obese, and maybe she doesn't understand bmi and how it can and does affect health, which applies to everyone. Now that's body positive. However, your condition doesn't, so the idea will be discarded. Just a thought that occurred to me for some reason.
I just wanted to add my voice to this - I've dealt with this before and have gone this route. It makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me feel like they're trying to say something nice and I'm being argumentative, and it makes me feel like they put me in a position where I have to call myself fat which, even if it's true, doesn't feel good to think and certainly not to say out loud (to people of varying closeness to you).
So I stopped saying that when people said it to me because it ended up making me feel worse, not better, and I would rather feel better than talk about how I'm actually fat on the off chance that I'm going to suddenly turn on the lightbulb in someone's head that makes them think "hey...I'M fat, who knew?" (they all know)0 -
I've heard it more times than I can count.
But for the record, it's usually from other woman.
I don't know why, but it is. Maybe because a man usually won't talk to a woman about her weight??
And as far as bringing up weight loss to other people, I don't, but they seem to "notice?" That I pass on dessert in a restaurant. Or that I order the steamed broccoli instead of the loaded baked potato. Then it turns into "what, YOU'RE not on a diet are you? With a wide eyed look.
I do like myself on the lean side. Plus at 5" 9" I have a small frame, skinny wrists and ankles. And any extra padding goes to my gut. So the only way I have a flat stomach with no muffin top is to be at the low end of the weight charts.
Personally, when people say I don't need to lose weight, I just say thank you, and change the subject.
And when my weight is where I like it, 10 lbs less than where it is now, I feel younger( I'm 55) , more energetic, and just better in my own skin.
And THAT is what really matters.3 -
msalicia116 wrote: »@Colorscheme Just out of curiosity, but why didn't you just tell her according to your bmi, you're over weight and want to be healthy? The reason I ask is because you said she is obese, and maybe she doesn't understand bmi and how it can and does affect health, which applies to everyone. Now that's body positive. However, your condition doesn't, so the idea will be discarded. Just a thought that occurred to me for some reason.
I just wanted to add my voice to this - I've dealt with this before and have gone this route. It makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me feel like they're trying to say something nice and I'm being argumentative, and it makes me feel like they put me in a position where I have to call myself fat which, even if it's true, doesn't feel good to think and certainly not to say out loud (to people of varying closeness to you).
So I stopped saying that when people said it to me because it ended up making me feel worse, not better, and I would rather feel better than talk about how I'm actually fat on the off chance that I'm going to suddenly turn on the lightbulb in someone's head that makes them think "hey...I'M fat, who knew?" (they all know)
I explained that I am overweight by bmi standards and hope to improve my blood pressure if I lose some weight, though I'll probably be on pills until the day I die.0 -
msalicia116 wrote: »@Colorscheme Just out of curiosity, but why didn't you just tell her according to your bmi, you're over weight and want to be healthy? The reason I ask is because you said she is obese, and maybe she doesn't understand bmi and how it can and does affect health, which applies to everyone. Now that's body positive. However, your condition doesn't, so the idea will be discarded. Just a thought that occurred to me for some reason.
I just wanted to add my voice to this - I've dealt with this before and have gone this route. It makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me feel like they're trying to say something nice and I'm being argumentative, and it makes me feel like they put me in a position where I have to call myself fat which, even if it's true, doesn't feel good to think and certainly not to say out loud (to people of varying closeness to you).
So I stopped saying that when people said it to me because it ended up making me feel worse, not better, and I would rather feel better than talk about how I'm actually fat on the off chance that I'm going to suddenly turn on the lightbulb in someone's head that makes them think "hey...I'M fat, who knew?" (they all know)
I actually understand completely where you're coming from. I would feel exactly the same way, which is why I personally do not talk about my diet or body with anyone (outside of here).
I only asked her that because she did bring up wanting to lose weight to her friend. She said, "I told one of my friends I wanted to lose weight because at my last cardio appt a week ago, my weight was 164 lbs which is a couple of pounds overweight according to bmi." From here the focus was how losing weight would probably improve her heart issues. She mentioned her friend is obese, so the thought just crept up in my mind, since they were already having a discussion about it.
But yes, everything you said, I completely agree with. On another note, you shouldn't even be put in that position in the first place. It's just a far too personal and sensitive subject.0 -
Yeah, and normally I dont talk about diet or exercise to anyone, but I bought a cute pleather skirt. My friend and I are really into sewing/fashion/costuming so I told her even though the skirt was a medium, it didn't fit over my thighs and I hope that it will once I lose some weight.0
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