Feeling unattractive?
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bearbugbear, I've tried to send you this message privately but it's not working for whatever reason so here goes:
Hey there, I've been following your story in the chit-chat section a little bit. I hope I'm not being too forward when I recommend that you try reading a sex advice column. It's called "Savage Love" and Dan Savage is the fellow who offers advice--really great advice IMHO. I access it through the Onion AV Club, which has a link to his weekly column, but you could likely find it just by googling Savage Love. There's likely an archive going back close to 20 years since I've been reading him since I got together with my husband way back in the day.
He addresses all sorts of issues, including ones like yours where peoples' sexual needs are rather incompatible with one another. I think you might take some comfort knowing that you are not alone and that your husband's asexuality is not a reflection on you or your attractiveness. It might take some searching (like I said, as much as two decades of archives) but you should be able to find some strategies to help you cope with your husband's lack of interest; you might even find some strategies to help you broach the subject of finding satisfaction and affirmation from someone other than your husband without ending your current relationship, if you have any interest in doing so.
Dan is very level-headed and pragmatic. He is totally supportive of open marriages and non-traditional relationships so you don't have to fear any sort of judgement from him. Just because your husband has no interest in sex doesn't mean that you don't get to have sex for the rest of your life and, if you end up seeking sex outside of your marriage, this doesn't necessarily mean that you can't have a loving relationship with the father of your children who is your best friend aside from the fact that he has no interest in sex.
I had different issues than you do with your husband but reading Savage Love helped my relationship so much and helped me to become a better wife. FWIW, I was insanely, destructively jealous, having been treated very badly by my first husband who was a liar and a philanderer. My baggage and the behavior rooted in it would have ruined my second marriage to a wonderful man who is neither a liar nor a philanderer and did not deserve to be treated as if he was, had I not had such great advice from Dan's column.
Cheers and good luck to you. Please give the column a try; it really was the best thing that could have happened to me.3 -
I often feel unattractive than I look in the mirror and watch my frown turn upside down. It's all about how you see yourself . Who cares what others think
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Lol everyday of my life0
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I've learned that even though I don't ever feel attractive, I am happy being me. That came with age for me though.1
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More days than I should. I'm working on it though0
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LiftingLady5 wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »
"no one is unattractive" is what the man said
then he said the heart thing
idk idk
i still think he might be saying albert fish is attractive
Yes but I think we can read into it because he said no one is unattractive it... is the heart that matters...THEREFORE....the heart is what the attractiveness is being gauged upon. I believe he was going on the presumption that MOST people have good hearts and would therefore be attractive people. Which, you and I know is WRONG. People generally suck, so we know that lots of people have no hearts or ugly hearts.... which would make them, according to this guys logic...unattractive people. So he contradicted himself with his original statement.
i would say most people have locked up their hearts
or they rusted out
molded over
got infected and then sepsis set in
so their hearts just limp around in this premature geriatric emotional state
hardened and sickly and unable to love
but maybe they were attractive hearts at one point in time
like pink and beating strong and moved to tears when they witnessed animal abuse or felt empathy
i guess young people with their unbroken hearts are just generally more attractive than old people
You may be on to something. But I believe that is still a choice. We can choose to love and be open to love or we can choose to let our past mishaps to dominate and miss out of something beautiful and magical.0 -
Some days I look in the mirror and wink and think " ok I can work with this " and then the next day I can look in the mirror and want to grab a paper bag to hide in. On paper bag days I usually end up with pizza and feel better.
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I have good days and bad days; sometimes I look in the mirror, and am amazed at how far I've come in the last two years (80 lbs lost). Then on other days, usually depending on circumstances, or other people's moods, I look at myself, and I just hate what I see, can't find anything to be happy with. Fortunately, the good days now outweigh the bad days. 0
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
I got mad skillz.0 -
I share the same feeling with my self image. I skip the pizza even though I really want it lol. I think the mirror is a liar! you look damn day in and day out in my eyes. im learning that others see us for what we look like as we see ourselves for the person we used to be..Some days I look in the mirror and wink and think " ok I can work with this " and then the next day I can look in the mirror and want to grab a paper bag to hide in. On paper bag days I usually end up with pizza and feel better.
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brianbgboy wrote: »
I share the same feeling with my self image. I skip the pizza even though I really want it lol. I think the mirror is a liar! you look damn day in and day out in my eyes. im learning that others see us for what we look like as we see ourselves for the person we used to be..Some days I look in the mirror and wink and think " ok I can work with this " and then the next day I can look in the mirror and want to grab a paper bag to hide in. On paper bag days I usually end up with pizza and feel better.
It's our stupid brains that lie and try to convince us what we see in the mirror isn't real.2 -
I never feel attractive TBH. I come off like I do, and plenty of people think I'm totally full of myself, but I struggle with insecurity pretty bad most days.
We are all guilty of self deprecating... despite compliments (which I am really bad at taking), attention from partners, or even strangers. Some days you just feel like a pile of crap. And that's ok, you're allowed to have an ugly day- we all are.
Don't let it make or break you, OP. It's really minuscule in the grand scheme of things- there's far more to life- feeling pretty is low on the totem pole.6 -
_Sugar_interrupted wrote: »I never feel attractive TBH. I come off like I do, and plenty of people think I'm totally full of myself, but I struggle with insecurity pretty bad most days.
We are all guilty of self deprecating... despite compliments (which I am really bad at taking), attention from partners, or even strangers. Some days you just feel like a pile of crap. And that's ok, you're allowed to have an ugly day- we all are.
Don't let it make or break you, OP. It's really minuscule in the grand scheme of things- there's far more to life- feeling pretty is low on the totem pole.
Well said, Sugar!1 -
great post!_Sugar_interrupted wrote: »I never feel attractive TBH. I come off like I do, and plenty of people think I'm totally full of myself, but I struggle with insecurity pretty bad most days.
We are all guilty of self deprecating... despite compliments (which I am really bad at taking), attention from partners, or even strangers. Some days you just feel like a pile of crap. And that's ok, you're allowed to have an ugly day- we all are.
Don't let it make or break you, OP. It's really minuscule in the grand scheme of things- there's far more to life- feeling pretty is low on the totem pole.
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I used to. But I picked up some new clothes, got rid of any that were unflattering, bought a flat iron, and some nice high end makeup... (and some indulgent shoes) and I no longer have that problem.
Yes, it took a while to pay that off my credit card, but I get hella mileage off it all. 2 -
... I am seeing post after post of lovely women and good looking men saying they feel ugly.
I understand why we have these problems. People are unkind to us, we used to be fat, or are at the beginning of our fitness efforts. some of us were bullied in school, some of us had critical parents. Let us try to no longer live in that head space. Enjoy life. Wear things you like. Do things that make you feel good. Don't feel ugly. I don't see anyone even remotely ugly on here. 4 -
There's days where I think I look ok or maybe cute. And then I'll find some damn flaw that will completely cancel out that good feeling. It's a daily struggle. Years of not feeling like I'll ever be enough has exhausted me. I often wonder why anyone would want to be with me. It's lame and I hate it.1
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... I am seeing post after post of lovely women and good looking men saying they feel ugly. I understand why we have these problems. People are unkind to us, we used to be fat, or are at the beginning of our fitness efforts. some of us were bullied in school, some of us had critical parents. Let us try to no longer live in that head space. Enjoy life. Wear things you like. Do things that make you feel good. Don't feel ugly. I don't see anyone even remotely ugly on here.
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I feel the same way a lot. like im damaged goods after 20 years of marriage. im changing it now and moving forward with my life! you too are a beautiful woman and im sure you have a lot to offer some lucky man! you shouldn't have to feel like your not enough, you should be overwhelmed with love!There's days where I think I look ok or maybe cute. And then I'll find some damn flaw that will completely cancel out that good feeling. It's a daily struggle. Years of not feeling like I'll ever be enough has exhausted me. I often wonder why anyone would want to be with me. It's lame and I hate it.
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bearbugbear wrote: »He said he's not attracted to me, never has been. Confidence at an all time low. Anyway, sorry for getting personal, the thread just hit a nerve!
Have you thought about doing Boudoir pictures for him?0 -
I think women in particular are taught from an early age that being pretty (and thin) is the most important thing. If you don't feel you fit the norm then your confidence takes a beating.
But being attractive is totally objective. What one person finds attractive in another will differ from another person. And it's tied up in mannerisms/personality/build and a million intangible different things. So stop worrying if you fit Cosmo or VS's representation of what attractive is because it's utter superficial bs designed to make us insecure so we buy more stuff.4 -
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