Mixed Weight Couples
LaurenRitter205
Posts: 24 Member
My boyfriend and I are a mixed weight couple. My boyfriend has a very nice athletic bod and currently trying to gain weight/muscle while I'm morbidly obese with a mothers apron, bat wings and huge thighs and butt. He says he absolutely loves me and my body and he says that I shouldn't be so self conscious because he thinks I'm beautiful but I can't help it. He's dated much prettier women than me with nice bodies and his whole family is naturally very slim and they're all very good looking as well and I guess I just feel like I'm always being judged because of my weight. And I feel like people look at us and think we're an odd couple or that he's too good looking for me. I know I shouldn't care what other people think because it's quite honestly the most amazing relationship I've been in and id never let people's opinions get in the way of us but I can't help feeling like this lately. I've been so hateful towards my body because I've been slacking and gained a few pounds and for some reason I feel embarrassed for him because he's with me. It's been a good way to keep me motivated in staying with my new lifestyle change but I feel like I'm the only who might feel this way.
Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?
PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.
Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?
PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.
3
Replies
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I'm not sure if I should go (t)here or not, but here goes.
My wife is a bigger girl. I'm fairly fit. I love my wife for who she is. That she's very pretty doesn't hurt. I'm guessing your BF feels pretty much the same way.27 -
It kind of seems to me that you're projecting your feelings about yourself onto others. You judge and don't accept yourself, therefor you assume that is how others feel.
It's great that you're trying to lose weight and get healthy, but you work on accepting and loving yourself, as a wholly seperate issue. Then others' opinions won't bother you as much.13 -
Comparison is the thief of Joy
My (now husband) had always weighed less than me even though he's 9 inches taller. He does tell me not to worry, he loves me whatever..... and my inner voice goes 'YEAH RIGHT'. but with his actions he's shown me that's true, he proposed, married me, shows me off in a way that is sometimes unbearable. So clearly it's my inner voice that's wrong. But admitting that doesn’t make it go away.
I think part of the success of this times weight loss has been my aspiration to ‘be the best me I can’ I’m never going to be 5’10’’, or tan easily, or have bright red suit me. I’m not saying the voice has gone away but by sticking to the best me possible, I’ve lost weight. And not beaten myself up for not being perfect like I did with the all or nothing attitude I had before.
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Whenever I feel bad about anything I exercise, and the happy hormones I get from that make me feel better. It's not always easy - I suffer from depression and have often had to force myself. But now I'm in a regular routine of doing some yoga at lunch and some walking or gardening after work, and feel really good mentally and physically.
I think you are both projecting and seeking comfort in food. Try seeking comfort in exercise. When my body is strong I feel really good about myself.6 -
Well, I'm slender and fit and my husband is 300 lb. I get him to go to the gym with me because all that weight is starting to mess up his blood sugar. I used to be overweight and the blood sugar problems still haunt me. As far as love and marriage the fat has no effect. I married him fat. I knew he would never be thin. I want to help him improve his health. but it's not like I find him unattractive for being fat. Your husband is probably more or less in the same boat with me. Many people's visual attraction for others is not linked to current societal fashions at all.4
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I've been married almost 17 years to a man 6 years younger than me. During that time I went from healthy weight to obese. My dh did not ever gain as much and lost weight before me. I've been fatter, older, got more gray hairs.
He always complimented me, told me he loved me, etc. I found it hard to understand how he could be attracted to me at 125 lbs and at 180 lbs. I didn't really think much about our appearance as a couple to others and I guess I don't care. Maybe I worked that out with my early self conciousness of being older. We have friends of all ages and sizes. Partners are not always both althletic looking.
Bottom line is he loves me no matter my size, he wants me to be healthy and happy, he cares zero about what others think. He likes that I am losing weight because I am happier, more energetic, can do more things.4 -
This sounds more like your own self esteem issues. You need to gain some self confidence and be proud of yourself and who you are no matter what size. Real and successful relationships are built on so much more than looks. It is important for you to look after yourself and health but you have to like and love yourself despite how skinny you are, then maybe it won't be so hard to believe that others like and love you despite how skinny you are. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. Look at all the "similar looks" couples that have disastrous relationships, maybe they should stop focussing on looks and instead just find someone with similar values and morals and who they actually enjoy spending time with. Here's a nice example you can look up... Hugh Jackman and his wife, although she is quite beautiful she is a bigger woman, and not as "fit" as Hugh.6
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I struggle some with this as well. Not only am I heavier, but he's a shortie. He still, at 40-something, wants nookie daily and near begs to see me nekkid. I think he's nuts, but obviously he loves me as I am.5
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I'm fit and my husband is over weight( and it's all in his beer belly, a generic trait his entire family shares). He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, i love him and he makes me so happy.
I do not give AF If other people look at us weird because of our different body types. I will never nag him to lose weight and I tell him how he's the sexiest man alive.
Your husband loves you for you. He knows you are beautiful. You are so lucky.
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I weigh more than my husband. By about 30 lbs. I'm 5'6" and he's 6'. Do I like this? NO, I do not. However, I KNOW that my weight isn't a factor in how much he loves me. He met me when I was a lot slimmer, but he married me fat, so I figure he had a chance to bolt if he didn't like it! HA!
Do you ever notice that, even a super attractive person, by say, normal standards looks hella ugly if they are an ugly person inside? Well I believe the same goes for when you are in love with someone. You love the heart and the brain, the rest is window dressing.5 -
Oh we are very used to stares, my hubby is Asian and I am Black so there's that. On top of it, he is rail thin and I am about 8 months pregnant. People act like they never seen a pregnant woman before in their life.7
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A person in his family has said in the past that they thought my husband's brother would be the one the bigger girlfriend because he's bigger. But you know what, real love isn't about weight. My husband had that super sexy ripped body and hes gained weight but I still get turned on by him. Man knows what he's doing AND he loves me for me. And I'm a hard person to like (I have no filter).5
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I think one thing to remember, besides remembering to be as nice to yourself as you are to others (would you, personally, judge a mixed weight couple like you are judging yourself? I think not.) is that it's kind of insulting to your boyfriend to think so badly of yourself. Do you not trust what he is telling you? He's with you, not someone else. Obviously you are the best choice for him, just like you think he is the best choice for you. How would you feel if he was always saying he wasn't good enough for you, or putting himself down?
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I know just how you feel, so don't worry, you aren't alone. I felt that way too when I was heavier than my husband. But you have to believe him and not compare yourself to others. If you want to lose weight for health reasons or to feel good about yourself, then go for it. You can do it. But don't do it because you think your husband "deserves" a "better" wife. He loves you for who you are and everyone else's opinion doesn't count.3
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Looks like you've gotten some good responses already, but I'm in a similar boat... you could maybe even say worse in some ways. My boyfriend isn't "fit" he's just small.. he's a couple inches shorter than me, and just slim built, while I'm tall, naturally muscular (always played sports) but also heavier. I struggled with it a lot at first and almost let it get in the way of actually agreeing to go out on a date with him in the first place, but I'm glad I went ahead and said yes. Like you, I'm in an amazing relationship, he treats me well and also loves me exactly how I am and is attracted to me and just acts like I'm the best thing on earth. Which is how it should be. I wouldn't say I've gotten it all figured out, or that it never ever bothers me anymore, but it's getting better. And like you said, it really shouldn't matter what other people think. They aren't there when your bf is comforting you after a stressful or upsetting day, or when he's loving on you and letting you know how awesome you are, or when you guys fight and make up. What you look like to other people has no real bearing on your relationship - they aren't in the relationship, it's just you and him. If he says he loves you and everything about you, trust him. He's still there and hasn't gone anywhere. If he's like my bf, he's proud to show you off and introduce you to people as his girlfriend, and that's a lot more than a lot of women get from relationships sadly.2
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When I was 20 years old I weighed only 125 lbs @ 5'7". My girlfriend at the time weighed 195 @ 5'4". She was very overweight, ate bad food and didnt exercise at all. Spent a few years together and I did fill out and she lost a bit but she was always at least 40 lbs heavier. Generally it wasn't an issue. We had other reasons for breaking up. However, looking back I can see why people might have thought it was strange. Now that am I into working out I would prefer my girl to make an effort to look after her health better.0
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I am not sure if I can go here or not myself.. I met my husband when I was sort of thin and he was 65 pounds over weight. I had no idea until a two years ago when he lost 65 pounds that he was over weight..Where we live, it looked normal. And really it was not till I got out old pictures out that I saw anything.
I think if a person puts a lot of emphasis on psychical attributes as in looks and weight, a person may still be finding their own way to their self assurance and esteem.. And too the older you get I think you change perceptions.. Things that mattered before become less and less.. And to throw this out there, true love does not require special glasses!
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I too am with a man that is 'big'. I'm 5'1 and 117lbs, he's 6'3 and 290lbs. I barely notice his weight..to me he is gorgeous. I feel awful when people tell him he's punching above his weight! I always come back with 'yeah but I'm an arsehole so he's pulled the short straw' lol But I do kinda mean it. He's an amazing husband and father. He is all I could ever want and I wouldn't change him for the world. Stupidly, when I gained 20lbs, I beat myself up about thinking 'I don't look like the girl he fell in love with'. When I told him how I felt, he said 'for Christ sake Nicki, I've put on much more than that since we met!! If anything, I should be saying that' that's when it hit me...I love him even more than when we met. He's telling the truth...learn to love yourself as much as he does X8
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Great words from people here.
Ask yourself, "If my boyfriend gained 60 lbs would I still love him? If he became disabled, would I still love him? Would I love him less than I do now? " If the honesty answer is "I would love him as much as I do now", you have your answer. You can trust his love for you to be so much more than your weight, trust that he finds you attractive, because your bond goes so much deeper.5 -
LaurenRitter205 wrote: »My boyfriend and I are a mixed weight couple. My boyfriend has a very nice athletic bod and currently trying to gain weight/muscle while I'm morbidly obese with a mothers apron, bat wings and huge thighs and butt. He says he absolutely loves me and my body and he says that I shouldn't be so self conscious because he thinks I'm beautiful but I can't help it. He's dated much prettier women than me with nice bodies and his whole family is naturally very slim and they're all very good looking as well and I guess I just feel like I'm always being judged because of my weight. And I feel like people look at us and think we're an odd couple or that he's too good looking for me. I know I shouldn't care what other people think because it's quite honestly the most amazing relationship I've been in and id never let people's opinions get in the way of us but I can't help feeling like this lately. I've been so hateful towards my body because I've been slacking and gained a few pounds and for some reason I feel embarrassed for him because he's with me. It's been a good way to keep me motivated in staying with my new lifestyle change but I feel like I'm the only who might feel this way.
Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?
PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.
Maybe you need to fix things just for your health, not for your thoughts about the relationship. How long have you been together? Was there a big change with you over time, or is this the way he found you? I think you should believe him if he says he loves you the way you are.1 -
At 212 lbs and 5'4", I'm skinnier now than I was when I got married. Whereas my husband has gained about 30 lbs and went from borderline underweight to something a bit healthier.
We've been married 11 years. I think we're good
. 3 -
I agree with the second poster, until you stop looking at yourself negatively and think of your weight loss journey as loving yourself enough to take care of YOU, you'll always think others see you in the same light you see you. And believe me, pleeeenty of fitter men like a bigger gal, it is NOT uncommon. 2
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My husband and I are not a mixed weight couple. In fact we wear the same size clothes. (Don't ask how I know this.) But I just wanted to say that I no longer can tell if he is handsome or attractive in the objective sense because when I look at him I just see the one I love, so his looks appeal to me no matter what. Trust that your husband feels the same way and ignore what other people may think.4
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My husband put on 50 pounds after we met and he's still skinny. I was thin(ish) the first year we dated and have spent the 6 years since in a cycle of gaining and losing the same 30 or so pounds.
I think the only time I have really worried about it was recently. And that's only because his new step mother said something kind of snarky about my weight (when I was literally 9+months pregnant). Now I'm hyper aware of the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than my 6'4" husband STILL after having lost close to 15 pounds.
But he loves me and seems to not mind the extra weight (see babies 1 and 2). I'm losing the weight for me, not for anyone else's perception of him marrying down or whatever.0 -
My boyfriend weighs less than me. He's taller too. But he's a stick and always has been. (And you know what, he's a bit insecure about his weight too). I get kind of self-conscious about it sometimes because I feel like I have an idea of what a couple should look like, and in my head it's me (the girl) being smaller than the guy. I know that's silly but it's how I picture it. I always get self-conscious when he picks me up or if he touches my tummy, but since we've been together for almost a year it's gotten better. I feel like he genuinely doesn't care and thinks I'm hot no matter what. That being said, he's been super supportive and enthusiastic about my weight loss goals and efforts and is encouraging about it. So I really think most of our insecurity just comes from us projecting our ideas of what should be onto those around us. We should just work on bettering ourselves for our own sake and work on being healthier and more confident.4
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I was thinking about this more and wanted to say that you have to learn to love yourself and that takes work at reframing your thoughts to see the positive. You might do that alone or may need help from a therapist to work through your issues.
I went through a period of intense self hatred to the point where I wanted to physically harm myself. I don't know why I got to that negative place. My thoughts were poison. I had to sit down one day and make a list of 10 things I liked about me. Not things other people liked but things I liked. It was really hard. I had to start thinking of all I had and could do instead of focusing on what I wasn't.
My value as a person is not a number on a scale or a clothing size. I concluded that I deserve to be healthy and live a full life. Getting to a healthy weight is part of taking care of me and being able to live the life I want. It isn't so I look better next to my dh. I'm not going to dye my hair or get plastic surgery. I'm not going to punish myself for being overweight. I'm not going to feel bad that I don't look like someone else. I am a much happier person. I liked myself before I lost any weight.
Your weight can and will change. It isn't who you are. It doesn't make you a better or worse person to be a size 6 or a size 22. It doesn't make you more or less worthy of love.
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As someone with a very unhealthy inner voice myself, I can tell you it's a toxic way of looking at your life. Whatever you think of yourself, you will also make it the reality for yourself.
I believe the solution is to try hard to work on your own self worth, image and care for yourself. You have a very caring partner it seems, they'll support you through this! 2 -
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years.
In those 8 years, I have been both 30 pounds overweight and a totally healthy weight. I am currently high end of healthy. My boyfriend? 6 ft 3 - 185 pounds of pure, rock solid muscle and six pack abs - Protein shakes, Martial arts and weight lifting. Total gym-aholic and very good looking (truly - I'm not just biased).
When I was a little less secure in who I was, I would sometimes wonder if people were laughing at us behind our back. Did people look at him and wonder why he was with me? This 5 ft 2 chubby girl with hamster cheeks. After a while, I decided to bin this attitude FAST. It's so self-destructive and cruel. You are so worthy and so special - NO ONE is better than you and he should feel so incredibly lucky to be with you - not because of your size or what you look like - but because you are you. You can take away your unwanted weight and you'll still be the person he loves - you can also gain more and you'll still be you.
Remember that.
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You got so much good advice! But I know how you feel. That's why I'll encourage you to not only focus on losing weight but focus on loving who you are! Then eventually your love on the inside is gonna shine from the outside1
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