Ashamed about my judgment
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This is great time- it is literally what my Pastor's sermon was about this week. Don't compare yourself to her. You are in totally different places!! Be content with the weight loss that you will achieve through old fashioned work.
Also, just wait to see if she keeps it off, esp if her attitude is "diets don't work on me" aka- I eat what I want, when I want and then am surprised when I gain weight. And, you have no idea if what she says 'I didn't change anything' is really what is happening in every day life. She may just not want to admit how much she had to change because that would mean admitting her previous life style was unhealthy.3 -
I can relate to how you feel and I still have jealousy at times, but I have made a conscious effort the last few years to stop being jealous and just be happy for people. It hasn't made me a lot happier, but it has made me less miserable.1
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Honestly I wouldn't even call that success ..because I feel like that would require some effort. You on the other hand can be proud of your achievements..and know that her logic of Diets not working is flawed and that she WILL have to make changes in order to keep losing eventually, it's not that easy to maintain when you never learned how to change your eating habits in a healthy way.0
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dragon_girl26 wrote: »Comparison is the thief of joy.
I love this statement!3 -
In the past I've gotten very frustrated (jealous) of all the people who have lost 25 pounds in a few months when it has taken a year for me to lose that amount. But those feelings don't get me anywhere. Each one of us has a different journey, whether it's surgery, medication, or whatever. My body is losing at the pace it does, and I can't change much about it. I cut my calories, I cut my carbs, I up my exercise and let nature take its course. And I'm losing, which is the goal, and I'm happy about that. The negative feelings don't get me anywhere so I got rid of them.3
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After gaining back the 65 lbs that I worked very hard to lose a few years ago, and struggling with ups and downs ever since, I've realized it doesn't matter if it takes longer. What matters is that I make lasting changes and build good habits that I can continue even after the "losing" is done. What is the weight loss worth if we don't learn/change anything and gain it right back again? (I felt really great for a short time, but after I reached my new heaviest weight, I felt awful. I thought I was a failure. It took me years to shake those thoughts.)
I've also thought a lot on progress. I am constantly looking for progress, and I get disappointed when I don't see it. But my ultimate goal this time around is to MAINTAIN my loss, and that's going to be slow. Putting in effort with little physical changes, but you have to do it anyway if you want long term success.
Focus on your journey, learning and growing from it even when you aren't seeing the physical progress immediately. It's about so much more than just seeing that scale go down.2 -
It's unfair to be resentful of those who have WSL. It is not an easy way out. I will be having a gastric sleeve done in a couple of months after spending 30 of my 40 years on a perpetual diet. I have gained/lost the same 20 or so pounds for those 30 years. I have exercised consistently and have endurance that freaks out my personal trainer.
Working for so hard, for so long without results is soul-sucking and miserable. I'm not talking about 25 pounds I need to lose. It's closer to 100. I'm on the smaller end of people who elect to have this surgery, but within a 6 month period, it was suggested by my ob/gyn due to my increased risk of breast cancer. It was suggested by my PCP due to my blood pressure and sleep apnea. It was suggested by my GI doctor because I have fatty liver syndrome and much of the weight I carry currently was gained while on prednisone. Weight gained on prednisone is exceptionally hard to lose.
The point is that these surgeries are not made lightly. There is a lengthy process leading up to the surgery to prove that the patient will be able to be compliant with doctors' orders. Then the surgery itself is painful, requires a hospital stays, and has a sometimes lengthy recovery period. After that, the patient has to start out with clear liquids, no more than 4 ounces at a time. It is many weeks before the patient is able to have "real" food, with restrictions. No bread, no soft drinks, no pasta, no drinking through a straw.
Then there are the psychological issues that follow. Some people go nuts with the attention they receive. Some people leave their spouses because they are suddenly aware of other options. Some people gain back the weight because they never deal with the underlying issues that led to their weight gain in the first place.
These are people who are struggling day to day just like any other dieter, and must continue the struggle every day for the rest of their lives. They just do it in a different way.6 -
JenniferNoll wrote: »It's unfair to be resentful of those who have WSL. It is not an easy way out. I will be having a gastric sleeve done in a couple of months after spending 30 of my 40 years on a perpetual diet. I have gained/lost the same 20 or so pounds for those 30 years. I have exercised consistently and have endurance that freaks out my personal trainer.
Working for so hard, for so long without results is soul-sucking and miserable. I'm not talking about 25 pounds I need to lose. It's closer to 100. I'm on the smaller end of people who elect to have this surgery, but within a 6 month period, it was suggested by my ob/gyn due to my increased risk of breast cancer. It was suggested by my PCP due to my blood pressure and sleep apnea. It was suggested by my GI doctor because I have fatty liver syndrome and much of the weight I carry currently was gained while on prednisone. Weight gained on prednisone is exceptionally hard to lose.
The point is that these surgeries are not made lightly. There is a lengthy process leading up to the surgery to prove that the patient will be able to be compliant with doctors' orders. Then the surgery itself is painful, requires a hospital stays, and has a sometimes lengthy recovery period. After that, the patient has to start out with clear liquids, no more than 4 ounces at a time. It is many weeks before the patient is able to have "real" food, with restrictions. No bread, no soft drinks, no pasta, no drinking through a straw.
Then there are the psychological issues that follow. Some people go nuts with the attention they receive. Some people leave their spouses because they are suddenly aware of other options. Some people gain back the weight because they never deal with the underlying issues that led to their weight gain in the first place.
These are people who are struggling day to day just like any other dieter, and must continue the struggle every day for the rest of their lives. They just do it in a different way.
Yes, if you read carefully through you'll see that people are struggling with feelings they know are unfair or unhelpful. Most of these posts are trying to be both honest and kind which is a difficult combination sometimes.9 -
The bets fortue cooke I ever got said, "Acceptance is the key to happiness." I love this. It isn't that one need sto accept being overweight, or having less money, as a fate. It means (to me) that I have to accept the life that I have. I can change things within it but I can't have someone else's life. I need to do the best with what I have and accept what I have.
Comparison really is the thief of joy.4 -
I too have a friend who I semi-resented. She started taking phentermine and dropping weight ....as I worked on meal planning, weighing every spec and walking on my lunch breaks. Im not sure I was resentful she is my best friend- but maybe more eye rolling and shaking my head. I scoffed at her choices as opposed to patting my back that Im doing it on my own. Slower, but longer lasting.
Certainly my cheers for her weekly weight loss updates each Monday AM weren't deeply heartfelt as I thought of it as cheating in a way... taking the easy way out.
But then I came around and realized my thoughts were just poison to myself and her choices are hers and mine are mine. So I genuinely wished her all the luck and kept on trucking.
I also have a friend who had WLS- lost and regained- and dont envy her at all. That is NOT the easy way out and never a choice I would want to have to make; for vanity or health.
Your journey is yours. Letting the success of others steal your joy is only going to set you back. Jealousy or resentment only changes your mood and your outlook on the process. Save your energy for yourself.5 -
afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.
Considering how things have gone, do you have this Wednesday's winning Powerball Numbers?1 -
Surgery recovery is never easy. Even when everything goes right, there's always pain/discomfort/loss of mobility/loss of energy/etc. while you're recovering. And people rarely tell the whole truth when they talk about their recovery, so I'd bet money that she is glossing over some kind of negative side effects when she talks about how easy it's been to recover and lose the weight. If there is an option that doesn't carry serious risks and long-term side effects, like eating at a deficit, I'd call that the easy way out (instead of the surgery).
Also, the time you take thinking about her journey is time you're not focusing on yourself and your own journey. What happens to her is only about her, and it doesn't impact your efforts at all. There isn't a right or wrong way to lose weight; there's no guarantee that your way will work better in the long run. You may gain everything back doing everything "right," and she may keep it off forever even though some people consider her way "cheating." The initial method of loss matters less than your commitment to keep going over time, so that's where your focus needs to be.2 -
There is one thing I have learned while losing and maintaining my weight loss, it is that everyone has to find their own way. NOTHING is easy, if it were, we would all be "normal" weight.
The statistics say that 80% (some say even higher percent) of people who lose the weight, gain it back (some gain even more than they lost) within 5 years. Doesn't matter how the weight was lost. I have seen some information claiming that WLS patients, do statistically better keeping the weight off. I personally feel it is an individual thing. How much you really want to keep the weight off, and that involves not consuming more calories than you burn.
Learning, and sticking with, a new way of eating. Simple, but never easy for most of us.
OP, resentment hurts no one but yourself. You can do this, however you want to accomplish it. No matter how you lose weight, it takes total commitment, patience, perseverance and self control.2 -
Doesn't the procedure come with risks?
I like weight loss the old fashion way. Eat less and exercise. The hard work I have put in means I am not keen to put it back on. You are learning this way.
Good luck and never give up no matter how hard it gets1 -
afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.
It has been, actually.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.
Considering how things have gone, do you have this Wednesday's winning Powerball Numbers?
I was notified that I was flagged and received a warning for my previous comment that is still visible in quotes. I apparently did not contribute enough to the topic. In that case, let me do so now.Healthyfink wrote: »I know I need to accept the fact I have to do this the right and heathly way and can't just write a check to solve this like she is doing.Once she gets closer to a normal weight, she is going to have to put in an effort too!JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Life is several years in sequence and with your neighbor's lack of self-discipline the second check is likely to prove wasted money also.
I did it the right way because I learned new healthy habits. She, however, like your neighbor, did not.In the end, you didn't cheat, just remind yourself of that. When it's all done, you'll have accomplished it, not a surgeon.
A lot of condescension and judgment towards a woman who was at a deadly weight (450 pounds). No one has met her. All people who lose weight, regardless of method, are likely to gain it back. There is no one way. It's not a game or a contest, either. You can't cheat.
I have not had weight loss surgery, but I would have pursued it had I been able. I knew it was statistically more likely to lead to a lower body weight over time, but even I had my opinions on it until I came across a thread on here when I first started. Someone corrected my misinformation.
I looked up the data. It wasn't just a bit more likely to lead to a lower body weight over the long term; gastric bypass especially has staggeringly high rates when compared to non-surgical intervention. Not just rapid weight loss, but a lower body weight a few years down the road. No, not everyone will have that result, but if your idea of success is not necessarily normal BMI but simply less weight and less chance of early death, the odds are in your favor.
It's not about a quick fix; it's about those who have weight at a level that is suffocating their organs seeking an evidence-based medical treatment. I just know that I was in OP's neighbor's shoes at one point, and if I had the resources, I would have certainly looked into surgery simply because my weight was just too much.
In any case, here I am on the other side without surgery, and I still believe it can be a life-saving and health-improving tool for the right people.
When you have a mountain of weight on you, I see nothing wrong with multiple tools/support options. Unfortunately, those options are not widely available or affordable, can certainly be dangerous (risk vs. benefit), and are perhaps a bit lacking.
I lost 200 pounds. It's not more "valid" than OP's neighbor's loss just because I didn't have weight loss surgery, and statistically (the data doesn't care about me as an individual or my perceived levels of self-discipline and awesomeness), I am actually more likely to gain than OP's neighbor. This site in general is very anti-surgery; I know there are posters on here who have had success with surgery, and I don't think it's fair to discount them or the population of morbidly obese who pursue medical treatment.
To me, the OP, while stating to be ashamed of his/her judgment, was looking for validation as well - and OP got it.
There were some good comments, though. The ones about all this focus on the neighbor, not comparing to others, WLS being a hard road/choice, not actually knowing what habits the neighbor may have changed and may not be forthcoming about, etc.
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Great post. I'm new here and haven't spent that much time, but I get surprised a the amount of judgment. It seemed like people kept repeating why the op's neighbor isn't winning. Not everyone, but many, but that's still comparing.
People who compare themselves to others and feel resentment, imho, only feel that resentment because they are unhappy about themselves. Often it has nothing to do with the other person.
Congratulations on your success. You are right about the statistics, but another statistic is that this is a very risky surgery and I'm sure no one makes this decision lightly. While I would never judge someone who was recommended to do the surgery as not losing the weight was more detrimental to their life, it's great that you managed without it.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.
It has been, actually.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »I'm sure this will turn out to be a lovely thread full of intelligent comments.
Considering how things have gone, do you have this Wednesday's winning Powerball Numbers?
I was notified that I was flagged and received a warning for my previous comment that is still visible in quotes. I apparently did not contribute enough to the topic. In that case, let me do so now.Healthyfink wrote: »I know I need to accept the fact I have to do this the right and heathly way and can't just write a check to solve this like she is doing.Once she gets closer to a normal weight, she is going to have to put in an effort too!JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Life is several years in sequence and with your neighbor's lack of self-discipline the second check is likely to prove wasted money also.
I did it the right way because I learned new healthy habits. She, however, like your neighbor, did not.In the end, you didn't cheat, just remind yourself of that. When it's all done, you'll have accomplished it, not a surgeon.
A lot of condescension and judgment towards a woman who was at a deadly weight (450 pounds). No one has met her. All people who lose weight, regardless of method, are likely to gain it back. There is no one way. It's not a game or a contest, either. You can't cheat.
I have not had weight loss surgery, but I would have pursued it had I been able. I knew it was statistically more likely to lead to a lower body weight over time, but even I had my opinions on it until I came across a thread on here when I first started. Someone corrected my misinformation.
I looked up the data. It wasn't just a bit more likely to lead to a lower body weight over the long term; gastric bypass especially has staggeringly high rates when compared to non-surgical intervention. Not just rapid weight loss, but a lower body weight a few years down the road. No, not everyone will have that result, but if your idea of success is not necessarily normal BMI but simply less weight and less chance of early death, the odds are in your favor.
It's not about a quick fix; it's about those who have weight at a level that is suffocating their organs seeking an evidence-based medical treatment. I just know that I was in OP's neighbor's shoes at one point, and if I had the resources, I would have certainly looked into surgery simply because my weight was just too much.
In any case, here I am on the other side without surgery, and I still believe it can be a life-saving and health-improving tool for the right people.
When you have a mountain of weight on you, I see nothing wrong with multiple tools/support options. Unfortunately, those options are not widely available or affordable, can certainly be dangerous (risk vs. benefit), and are perhaps a bit lacking.
I lost 200 pounds. It's not more "valid" than OP's neighbor's loss just because I didn't have weight loss surgery, and statistically (the data doesn't care about me as an individual or my perceived levels of self-discipline and awesomeness), I am actually more likely to gain than OP's neighbor. This site in general is very anti-surgery; I know there are posters on here who have had success with surgery, and I don't think it's fair to discount them or the population of morbidly obese who pursue medical treatment.
To me, the OP, while stating to be ashamed of his/her judgment, was looking for validation as well - and OP got it.
There were some good comments, though. The ones about all this focus on the neighbor, not comparing to others, WLS being a hard road/choice, not actually knowing what habits the neighbor may have changed and may not be forthcoming about, etc.
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MommyMeggo wrote: »I too have a friend who I semi-resented. She started taking phentermine and dropping weight ....as I worked on meal planning, weighing every spec and walking on my lunch breaks. Im not sure I was resentful she is my best friend- but maybe more eye rolling and shaking my head. I scoffed at her choices as opposed to patting my back that Im doing it on my own. Slower, but longer lasting.
Certainly my cheers for her weekly weight loss updates each Monday AM weren't deeply heartfelt as I thought of it as cheating in a way... taking the easy way out.
But then I came around and realized my thoughts were just poison to myself and her choices are hers and mine are mine. So I genuinely wished her all the luck and kept on trucking.
I also have a friend who had WLS- lost and regained- and dont envy her at all. That is NOT the easy way out and never a choice I would want to have to make; for vanity or health.
Your journey is yours. Letting the success of others steal your joy is only going to set you back. Jealousy or resentment only changes your mood and your outlook on the process. Save your energy for yourself.
I semi-resent the 30-something me who lost 60 pounds effortlessly with Phen/Fen
However, she learned nothing and gained it all back.1 -
I get ashamed all the time as well. I have worked hard to get down from 360+ to 210 and I'm still much larger than some people I follow on instagram that started to lose weight after me and are now lower than I am. I know in a few cases they net very low numbers and aren't taking care of their bodies. I lose weight slow, I've changed my shape and weae the same size as my mom whos 177lbs. At the end of the day I repeat to myself someone elses success doesn't negate my own.
YOU WILL GET THERE! And you'll only have yourself to be proud of.0
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