I really really want to get married!!!
Replies
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Wow..lots of sage advice here, and while I do like cats, crazy cat dude doesn't have the same ring to it as crazy cat lady, besides, I like to travel so pets would be difficult.
No, it needs to be a woman. I'm in the best shape I've been since 20s, so my current marketability is at its peak. Either spunky or a work in progress that we can shrink together during dating/courtship/engagement and then GROW together after we say I do and belong to one another for better or worse
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LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This is true. I have been in exactly this position and getting the courage to leave was the toughest thing I've ever done. Especially as I was used to putting what I wanted last. But I survived. My kids are ok. I read somewhere that self-improvement is more important than self-sacrifice. If you're married to the wrong person you have to leave.
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I expect my husband to remain marketable, thank you very much.3
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BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »I expect my husband to remain marketable, thank you very much.
Me too0 -
LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
I swear we live the same life. And yes, those people on FB are trying to convince themselves how happy their lives are even more so than other people.1 -
LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
What if I told you that kids are not a requirement?!2 -
So many negative advices makes me wonder how many of us is or was married to give advice. I'm divorce but would never say don't do it just because it didn't work for me. we are all different personality and like different things. Marriage can be nice if BOTH do they part. Hope you find your women and be happy6
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This is true. I have been in exactly this position and getting the courage to leave was the toughest thing I've ever done. Especially as I was used to putting what I wanted last. But I survived. My kids are ok. I read somewhere that self-improvement is more important than self-sacrifice. If you're married to the wrong person you have to leave.
No offense, but I think the person you responded to was saying it's not about the person you married being "wrong." It's about marriage itself.
I know a person who is remarried and is not liking the second any better than the first.
I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
If you think finding the "right" one is the answer, you haven't known them long enough.
Marriage is hard, and its harder when we put unrealistic expectations on it. That's why those arranged marriages last longer. They are not going in there expecting butterflies in the first place.
It's not about finding the "right" one. It's about learning to be content with the one you have, somehow.
I think?7 -
RunHardBeStrong wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
I swear we live the same life. And yes, those people on FB are trying to convince themselves how happy their lives are even more so than other people.
An actress once said getting married is about giving up the attention of many men to so you can be ignored by one man.5 -
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Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
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Wow..lots of sage advice here, and while I do like cats, crazy cat dude doesn't have the same ring to it as crazy cat lady, besides, I like to travel so pets would be difficult.
No, it needs to be a woman. I'm in the best shape I've been since 20s, so my current marketability is at its peak. Either spunky and gullible or a work in progress that we can shrink together during dating/courtship/engagement and then GROW together after we say I do and belong to one another for better or worse
Ah, you finally got to the root of the failure of my marriage of 18 years. I stayed the same size for the whole time, he let himself go and he left me for a woman 20 years younger and 150 pounds heavier. . . I guess that way he looks better next to her and does not have to work out.1 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
Sometimes we go together to the butterfly exhibit at PST.
That's only half pointless; you have to work to create your own butterflies once the newness wears off.2 -
Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.2 -
Agreed! Marriage is not all it's cracked up to be!Louise1491 wrote: »Don't do it, it's a trap.
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NorthCascades wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
Sometimes we go together to the butterfly exhibit at PST.
That's only half pointless; you have to work to create your own butterflies once the newness wears off.
That would be the part where I said you learn to be content with the one you have.0 -
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NorthCascades wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
Sometimes we go together to the butterfly exhibit at PST.
That's only half pointless; you have to work to create your own butterflies once the newness wears off.
Agreed. There are lots of ways to: Not let oneself go, not give up on life, not be a non-person, give each other attention, have fun, boost neurotransmitters, not be depressed and cynical. If you want, and are on the same pages together. But, I understand it can't always work out. My heart goes out. Wish I had something better to say. But, I don't. I think you should aim to do your part in "for better". "For worse" is the things you don't have as much control over such as injury or illness.0 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This is true. I have been in exactly this position and getting the courage to leave was the toughest thing I've ever done. Especially as I was used to putting what I wanted last. But I survived. My kids are ok. I read somewhere that self-improvement is more important than self-sacrifice. If you're married to the wrong person you have to leave.
No offense, but I think the person you responded to was saying it's not about the person you married being "wrong." It's about marriage itself.
I know a person who is remarried and is not liking the second any better than the first.
I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
If you think finding the "right" one is the answer, you haven't known them long enough.
Marriage is hard, and its harder when we put unrealistic expectations on it. That's why those arranged marriages last longer. They are not going in there expecting butterflies in the first place.
It's not about finding the "right" one. It's about learning to be content with the one you have, somehow.
I think?
Well I'm remarried and I like the second one a lot better than the first. And yes marriage is *kitten* hard. But you misunderstood what I was saying. She is married to the wrong person. He ignores her. She feels invisible. Yes there is counseling and trying hard and making an effort and 'being content' but at the end of the day if it feels wrong, it's wrong. Leaving someone because he's the wrong person doesn't mean you will ever find the right person. You might or you might not but that's not the point. But I can say from experience that pretending to be happy for years and flogging a dead horse does nothing but crush your soul completely No matter how much happier I am now I lost a piece of myself I will never get back.2 -
RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.
I guarantee those amazing marriages you envy had some not so great times.
No single person has a smooth sail through life if they're over 25. They've had some ups and downs, even the happiest people (sometimes especially the happiest people).
Marriages are not magically different - they have ups and downs too.1 -
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thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.
I guarantee those amazing marriages you envy had some not so great times.
No single person has a smooth sail through life if they're over 25. They've had some ups and downs, even the happiest people (sometimes especially the happiest people).
Marriages are not magically different - they have ups and downs too.
Absolutely. Every life has ups and downs. To expect otherwise would be setting oneself up for unnecessary disappointment by being unrealistic. In marriage you can be each other's support through difficult times. Those memories are one of the things that strengthens our marriage. That he was there for me in my most difficult moments and me for him. Along with happy times. If we have boredom or wants we communicate openly and work together. It's an always changing and evolving process. And when life is challenging, not losing sight of the good. This past year I was severely injured. My life as I knew it was destroyed. But, I had to keep striving to improve and remembering my life and working towards rebuilding it. Now I am rebuilding and still recovering. And I feel thankful for every moment because I know how easily it can be ripped away.1 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.
I guarantee those amazing marriages you envy had some not so great times.
No single person has a smooth sail through life if they're over 25. They've had some ups and downs, even the happiest people (sometimes especially the happiest people).
Marriages are not magically different - they have ups and downs too.
but it does take two committed parties. and that is not always the case.3 -
futureicon wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This..
Maybe the key that people miss is to find a way to not be a non person.
To be happy with who YOU are and what YOU do and respect YOURSELF.
This won't fix the problems in a marriage (and maybe exacerbate them if the spouse is insecure), but maybe it would make it more likely that you put less pressure on the marriage.2 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.
I guarantee those amazing marriages you envy had some not so great times.
No single person has a smooth sail through life if they're over 25. They've had some ups and downs, even the happiest people (sometimes especially the happiest people).
Marriages are not magically different - they have ups and downs too.
but it does take two committed parties. and that is not always the case.
Exactly. It takes two. When you are the only one trying, you become bitter. I completely realize there is no "perfect" marriage. There is no "perfect" anything. But to have more amazing times than bad should be the shared goal.3 -
BinaryPulsar wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Marriage doesn't have to be hard. It should be your best friend and to treat one another with love and respect.
Why introduce harsh / angry words into the relationship. Call me a dreamer, but I do feel that marriages can be where both partners prop one another up for the greater good.
I wholeheartedly agree. And I did marry my best friend. We had a great beginning. He just became a huge *kitten* over the years. He has changed so much that he is no longer someone I would choose to be my best friend. People may start out all grand, happy and have some great years but things change. I am not saying all marriages are bad. I am envious of those that have amazing marriages and remain best friends through the years.
I guarantee those amazing marriages you envy had some not so great times.
No single person has a smooth sail through life if they're over 25. They've had some ups and downs, even the happiest people (sometimes especially the happiest people).
Marriages are not magically different - they have ups and downs too.
Absolutely. Every life has ups and downs. To expect otherwise would be setting oneself up for unnecessary disappointment by being unrealistic. In marriage you can be each other's support through difficult times. Those memories are one of the things that strengthens our marriage. That he was there for me in my most difficult moments and me for him. Along with happy times. If we have boredom or wants we communicate openly and work together. It's an always changing and evolving process. And when life is challenging, not losing sight of the good. This past year I was severely injured. My life as I knew it was destroyed. But, I had to keep striving to improve and remembering my life and working towards rebuilding it. Now I am rebuilding and still recovering. And I feel thankful for every moment because I know how easily it can be ripped away.
I don't have anything to say about this, but I wanted to see it again in the thread.2 -
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