I really really want to get married!!!
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BinaryPulsar wrote: »I think you should aim to do your part in "for better". "For worse" is the things you don't have as much control over such as injury or illness.
A year and two days ago, I was doing hill repeats on my bike in my neighborhood. A driver ran a light and hit me with her car. She was going 35 to 40 mph at the time. When I came to, a man I'd never seen before was standing over me, telling me I should get out of the road if I'm able to walk. The next thing I remember was collapsing on the sidewalk. He was asking if I needed help, and I remember trying to ask him to get my phone out of my pocket and call Beth, but not being able to communicate that somehow. I got my phone and managed to call her. She ran, uphill, to me, she's not a runner. Got there while they were loading me into the ambulance. She took my bike home and then took an Uber to the emergency room, arriving just after I did. She didn't leave until they released me except to run home and get clothes and shoes for me to change into when they finally discharged me. She waited until around 2 am when the pain medicine finally put me out, and she was there at my side when I woke up again an hour later. Then she lost her job for taking a week off to take care of me, I could barely walk at the time.
I still look back and wish I could tell my past self to stay home that day, or to cut the ride short earlier. It feels so avoidable.
Like you said, the "for worse" things just happen in life. It's a good idea to have a lot of "for better" (aka good will) saved up when it happens.3 -
NorthCascades wrote: »BinaryPulsar wrote: »I think you should aim to do your part in "for better". "For worse" is the things you don't have as much control over such as injury or illness.
A year and two days ago, I was doing hill repeats on my bike in my neighborhood. A driver ran a light and hit me with her car. She was going 35 to 40 mph at the time. When I came to, a man I'd never seen before was standing over me, telling me I should get out of the road if I'm able to walk. The next thing I remember was collapsing on the sidewalk. He was asking if I needed help, and I remember trying to ask him to get my phone out of my pocket and call Beth, but not being able to communicate that somehow. I got my phone and managed to call her. She ran, uphill, to me, she's not a runner. Got there while they were loading me into the ambulance. She took my bike home and then took an Uber to the emergency room, arriving just after I did. She didn't leave until they released me except to run home and get clothes and shoes for me to change into when they finally discharged me. She waited until around 2 am when the pain medicine finally put me out, and she was there at my side when I woke up again an hour later. Then she lost her job for taking a week off to take care of me, I could barely walk at the time.
I still look back and wish I could tell my past self to stay home that day, or to cut the ride short earlier. It feels so avoidable.
Like you said, the "for worse" things just happen in life. It's a good idea to have a lot of "for better" (aka good will) saved up when it happens.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was hit by a car on my bike at age 18, right before I went to school for dance. I was almost killed. I recovered. But, this is just one of many reasons that it's never easy. I dance because I love it. But, I have multiple different chronic pain and nerve injuries.
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LiftingLady5 wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »futureicon wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This..
Maybe the key that people miss is to find a way to not be a non person.
To be happy with who YOU are and what YOU do and respect YOURSELF.
This won't fix the problems in a marriage (and maybe exacerbate them if the spouse is insecure), but maybe it would make it more likely that you put less pressure on the marriage.
He is talking about not fracturing children's lives. So you make do. You be the best you can be and do all the advice given...hobbies, talking, let's keep it fresh, but sometimes you end up with a best friend and that's what you end up with. A friend. A partner. A parent partner. Life isn't all bad, you get along, you don't fight, you do the activities, but the other stuff...it's gone. Maybe it will come back. That's the wait and see part. Some people are there. Some people quit. Some people make it work and wait and see. Sometimes it does and it becomes good again. Sometimes it doesn't and it should have ended long ago. But it's a chance you take when you put the kids first because you are exactly that...friends and it isn't terrible but it isn't what it should be. So you never know how marriage will turn out. Is it worth the risk? Yes.
I do not understand this.
What were you expecting?
That you'd be jumping pelvis first into his arms when he comes through the door after 30 yrs of marriage?
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Marriage is awesome, I am married myself!!! However if you think vows keep people together you are wrong. You have to find someone who loves you just the way you are and always will, because things change especially weight!!!! My husband was pretty skinny when we got married now he has a belly, and he hates it but I don't mind!!! However it's not nice to just get married so you don't have to stay fit, because you won't stay married if that's what you get married for.
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Wow, so many unhappy people. . . . .
I got married 17 years ago to a perfectly nice guy, and I was very much in love with him. Butterflies and all!
And you know what? I'm still very much in love with him. We have two girls, a teen and a tween. We're busy and tired, and we are always on the run, but we still have butterflies in our stomachs when we see each other at the end of the day.
We're still passionate and loving, and it's because we make sure that we never take each other for granted. We both know that it takes a certain amount of work, and it takes mutual respect. We've never called each other names, and we've never yelled or cursed at each other. That doesn't mean we never argue, but we never fight.
A heart attack or a car accident could carry away either one of us without a moment's notice. It's not ever forgetting that keeps me appreciating what he does for me every day. We make sure that we laugh every day, no matter how cranky or flatulent (yes, flatulent) we might be.
If it's one sided, you probably don't need to stay married. But if both of you put in the work, you can be happy.7 -
Personally, I was a bit taken aback when people were saying that no one ever has a happy marriage. And they are all lying. And a few people were all agreeing and even saying they say it directly to people. Personally, I really didn't know how to respond to any of that. It sets a negative tone to the conversation. I wanted to be able to not invalidate anyone's experience while not having mine invalidated.
But, since then a discussion has happened. And I saw deeper into people's experiences and challenges. I understand a lot better now. And I appreciate the conversation and that people shared in an open way.
I just want to say that.2 -
It would be nice to be married:)0
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LiftingLady5 wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »futureicon wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This..
Maybe the key that people miss is to find a way to not be a non person.
To be happy with who YOU are and what YOU do and respect YOURSELF.
This won't fix the problems in a marriage (and maybe exacerbate them if the spouse is insecure), but maybe it would make it more likely that you put less pressure on the marriage.
He is talking about not fracturing children's lives. So you make do. You be the best you can be and do all the advice given...hobbies, talking, let's keep it fresh, but sometimes you end up with a best friend and that's what you end up with. A friend. A partner. A parent partner. Life isn't all bad, you get along, you don't fight, you do the activities, but the other stuff...it's gone. Maybe it will come back. That's the wait and see part. Some people are there. Some people quit. Some people make it work and wait and see. Sometimes it does and it becomes good again. Sometimes it doesn't and it should have ended long ago. But it's a chance you take when you put the kids first because you are exactly that...friends and it isn't terrible but it isn't what it should be. So you never know how marriage will turn out. Is it worth the risk? Yes.
I do not understand this.
What were you expecting?
That you'd be jumping pelvis first into his arms when he comes through the door after 30 yrs of marriage?
What don't you understand? Seems pretty descriptive to me. I was answering the question about why someone might stay in a marriage as to not fracture childrens lives and explaining that people who make that choice often DO all of the advice that had been mentioned in posts above. And often times marriage becomes the friend route.
If you are making this personal and asking me if I was personally expecting the idiotic notion that I'd be..what was it... jumping pelvis first into his arms when he comes through the door after 30 yrs of marriage?
then perhaps you didn't actually read my whole reply as I stated that often times SOME people give up without trying to fix anything, SOME people wait and see work on it and it gets better, and Some people wait and see work on it and it never does get better. If you'd like to make it personal I'll say I'm working on it and waiting and seeing and hoping it gets better. Kids are a lot of work. Did I EXPECT confetti and sex everytime he got home from work? No. Did I ever say I did? No. I do not like the leap you made with your assumptions in your question. Honestly in my replies I tried to include all groups of people and you immediately narrowed it down to a sex starved housewife with unrealistic expectations. Shame on you.
Slow your roll, there girlie!
You took that waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to the left.
I meant absolutely no harm in my post.
The pelvis first comment was an obvious exaggeration, and I wasn't addressing you personally at all. Sometimes humor makes you feel better. Hence the pics.
It just that people's expectations of marriage in this country are huge.
Like you said, you are given trite advice like "communicate more," (what if you want to tell her she's a big B and he's a total A - are you supposed to communicate that?), as if that is the magic fairy dust that takes you back to to the time when you were dating and infatuated with each other.
Plus, this is football season. Is any wife going to be rosy about her marriage right now?
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I'll host you too for my annual cutaway collar summit for married ladies who exercise and want to drink coffee and binge eat brownies.littlemissbgiff wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »futureicon wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This..
Maybe the key that people miss is to find a way to not be a non person.
To be happy with who YOU are and what YOU do and respect YOURSELF.
This won't fix the problems in a marriage (and maybe exacerbate them if the spouse is insecure), but maybe it would make it more likely that you put less pressure on the marriage.
He is talking about not fracturing children's lives. So you make do. You be the best you can be and do all the advice given...hobbies, talking, let's keep it fresh, but sometimes you end up with a best friend and that's what you end up with. A friend. A partner. A parent partner. Life isn't all bad, you get along, you don't fight, you do the activities, but the other stuff...it's gone. Maybe it will come back. That's the wait and see part. Some people are there. Some people quit. Some people make it work and wait and see. Sometimes it does and it becomes good again. Sometimes it doesn't and it should have ended long ago. But it's a chance you take when you put the kids first because you are exactly that...friends and it isn't terrible but it isn't what it should be. So you never know how marriage will turn out. Is it worth the risk? Yes.
I wanna have you over for coffee and brownies. I think we would be fast friends.
We're you just talking about what a great hubs you are.
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BinaryPulsar wrote: »Personally, I was a bit taken aback when people were saying that no one ever has a happy marriage. And they are all lying. And a few people were all agreeing and even saying they say it directly to people. Personally, I really didn't know how to respond to any of that. It sets a negative tone to the conversation. I wanted to be able to not invalidate anyone's experience while not having mine invalidated.
But, since then a discussion has happened. And I saw deeper into people's experiences and challenges. I understand a lot better now. And I appreciate the conversation and that people shared in an open way.
I just want to say that.
Sour grapes. If someone has to convince themselves that my relationship is terrible in order to feel better about their relationship or lack thereof, well, that is a personal problem that's got nothing to do with me in reality.
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LiftingLady5 wrote: »BinaryPulsar wrote: »Personally, I was a bit taken aback when people were saying that no one ever has a happy marriage. And they are all lying. And a few people were all agreeing and even saying they say it directly to people. Personally, I really didn't know how to respond to any of that. It sets a negative tone to the conversation. I wanted to be able to not invalidate anyone's experience while not having mine invalidated.
But, since then a discussion has happened. And I saw deeper into people's experiences and challenges. I understand a lot better now. And I appreciate the conversation and that people shared in an open way.
I just want to say that.
I'm not sure what exactly you are referring to as I haven't read this whole thread...but in a post I made I referred to Facebook and did equate a happy marriage to lies....now to be fair I was more referring to Facebook postings as being the lies about people's lives....example: such as when I read how 100% wonderful and absolutely perfect a families vacation with four little kids was or how perfect little miss angel pants behaved at her genius class the other day, etc..... That is what I was referring to as the lies....the exaggerations of life and it's "perfections" on FB
Just sayin
I see. I understand that now! Thanks for explaining. I wasn't only referring to you, though. It was many series of posts that, as I said, I didn't completely understand or know how to respond to. And then an interesting conversation followed. I was just saying that it's pretty easy to have midunderstandings online. I was misunderstanding. I misunderstand all the time. And very often those misunderstandings lead me to say things that result in more misunderstandings. And it keeps going in that direction. But, not very often do we find the opportunity to say, "Oh, I didn't understand. And I understand much better now". I only wanted to say that.0 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »LiftingLady5 wrote: »Listen OP, in some cases if you want to feel the loneliest you have ever felt in your life...get married. Its great for the first several years. Add kids and they are wonderful....but thats the trap. You don't want to mess up their life by breaking apart their family unit and shattering their world so you just give up you. Then you become a non person. Thats what marriage is, For some people. However, then again, some people have happy happy times with their marriages for their whole lies...I mean lives....and have happy life long marriages. I read about that all the time on Facebook. So its different for everyone. Some people are in a wait and see. You just never know.
This is true. I have been in exactly this position and getting the courage to leave was the toughest thing I've ever done. Especially as I was used to putting what I wanted last. But I survived. My kids are ok. I read somewhere that self-improvement is more important than self-sacrifice. If you're married to the wrong person you have to leave.
No offense, but I think the person you responded to was saying it's not about the person you married being "wrong." It's about marriage itself.
I know a person who is remarried and is not liking the second any better than the first.
I think we want the happy, euphoric feeling of falling in love. That never lasts, and then you are left with a comfortable love sans the butterflies. The butterflies made life exciting and now you argue because you miss the butterflies. Some people take this as license to go find someone that causes butterflies, not realizing that that, too, will not last.
If you think finding the "right" one is the answer, you haven't known them long enough.
Marriage is hard, and its harder when we put unrealistic expectations on it. That's why those arranged marriages last longer. They are not going in there expecting butterflies in the first place.
It's not about finding the "right" one. It's about learning to be content with the one you have, somehow.
I think?
I think there's some wisdom here.
I'm paraphrasing here from American Pie, of all things....
"I think they call it"making love" because you have to make love work" Jim's dad(love him!)
Admittedly, it's not always so clear cut....2 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Like you said, you are given trite advice like "communicate more," (what if you want to tell her she's a big B and he's a total A - are you supposed to communicate that?), as if that is the magic fairy dust that takes you back to to the time when you were dating and infatuated with each other.
I know that not everyone is able to solve problems with communication. Some partners are unable or unwilling to communicate or to do so in a vulnerable and civil way. Some partners are abusive. Or selfish. Or self absorbed. Or content with things as they are. Or they have certain issues they find too difficult or painful to look at. Or they have barriers from religion or roles that they are not willing to ever consider crossing past. Or life is just too crazy. And that's understandable. Except for abuse (that's a relationship that needs to end maybe with the help of a domestic violence centre or shelter). And there might be other relationships that eventually need to end as well. But, people don't mean the advice to be trite. They say it because it works for them. I have been with my husband 18 years. We have gone through many different stages in our relationship. And I have enjoyed it. I have found for us that there isn't anything I can't communicate to him and vice versa. I have had times when I thought I couldn't. And those were the more challenging moments. But, then I did. I personally found that everything got better when I faced the fear and instead communicated everything honestly. It's just communication. Communication does not have to harm. I think that most times there is always a way to communicate with kindness and respect. If I think about his feelings in addition to my own then I can communicate my needs and desires in a way that also validates his and his challenges, while owning up to my own challenges and issues as well. And this has resulted in an unshakable trust between us that removes insecurities between us. I took a course on communication in my 20's when I was working in Human Resources. She said things like this about always telling the truth, always being authentic. I said, but what if the truth actually hurts someone. She said that was a bit dramatic. I didn't understand that at the time. But, a decade and a half later I understand it now from my experiences. I'm not saying it will work for everyone. But, it can work for some. It's scary and vulnerable and hard work and takes time.
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It would be nice to be married:)
Terrific! What does your weekend schedule look like?
My favorite wedding proposal. It is the flash mob Bruno Mars video
https://youtu.be/_0w8modg7Zc 3 -
If you want to get in shape just to find a mate, it sounds like false advertising, which is one of the main reasons marriages fail. We all put up fronts to our prospectives, hoping they won't see our flaws. Get married and boom, now there are a whole bunch of flaws our partner has we didn't know about. And this does not just include people who have known each other only a couple of months then get married. I knew my first wife since we were kids, and still got a boat load of surprises once we got married. Within the first 6 months she became a completely different person.
Marriage is a wonderful institution. And all married people should be institutionalized...
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Marriage is a wonderful institution. And all married people should be institutionalized...
Ha!! I love your wrap up sentence~
This thread is a bit tongue in cheek to the realities that many put up a side that they want others to see while hiding who they are. It is false advertising to put up a facade that you are one thing while knowing inside that you are not. It definitely can start out a marriage on the wrong foot and take a toll on both parties overall happiness in life.
Reminds me of
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
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