Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym
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If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
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canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.6 -
Holy over-generalizations, Batman!7
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »Working moms are the ones who struggle to put themselves first. Their husbands seem to know how to stop off and get a drink with his buddies before he gets home. So did she pick a bad husband?
No, not necessarily. But if she asked him to come home right after work so she could go out for a few hours a grab a beer with her friends and he doesn't come home anyway? Then yes, the marriage and communication needs some work. I'm a wife, mother of two young girls, and I work full time. My husband and I worked out a gym schedule so that we could both go (yes, I get one more day at the gym than him because I'm selfish). But I had to bring it up as an issue and we had to work it out.
ETA: so not everybody jumps on my calling myself "selfish," that was tongue-in-cheek, which doesn't come across well in writing.1 -
If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
Dear God I love this! Be direct in communication.
My wife and I struggled through this for years and it got worse after having kids. She is a highly educated, physically fit, and independent woman, but struggled with this for years as she could not say no and would constantly sacrifice everything to keep up appearances - girl scouts, bake sales, school fundraisers, etc.
Take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others. This isn't selfish, its logic. Your cup has have something in it before you can pour it into another.4 -
mumbles2013 wrote: »A friend of mine just found out that when her husband says his going to the gym he actually meant he's going round to his co worker's house for sex as he has been for the last 6 months leaving her holding the baby!!!
Well, he IS getting a workout...
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If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
But that's the point....the male partners I'm referencing DON'T ask, they just tell their partner what they are gonna do, or don't even bother doing that. I don't mind asking, or even telling, but then nag or a the "b" word gets mentioned.... 2 -
I have a three month old. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. So does my wife who provides 90% of the care while she is on leave. She asks if I can watch him while she goes and I watch him (or her Mom does if she wants to go earlier in the day).
Unless the husband is refusing to raise the child, please stop using others as an excuse.
I think your statement about her asking you to watch the baby is really reinforcing the OP's point. For the majority of women, the child is their primary responsibility and they have to ask the spouse to "watch" the child when they want to do something. Not trying to pick a fight here, I'm genuinely curious. If you want to do something, do you have to ask your wife to watch the baby before you can do it? Or can you just do it?10 -
canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you. Want gym time? Ask the partner to cover at home. Want a treadmill for the home ask how we can work it in the budget. Want an equal partnership, ask yourself if you're worth it or is playing the martyr roll is a familiar comfort.
But that's the point....the male partners I'm referencing DON'T ask, they just tell their partner what they are gonna do, or don't even bother doing that. I don't mind asking, or even telling, but then nag or a the "b" word gets mentioned....
So don't nag. Just do. When he's home simply say "I'm going to the gym" hop in the car and go. Don't give him a chance to complain.4 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
That's because people with healthy relationships and smoothly-running households don't get on the internet to gripe about how their husbands suck and they have no time for themselves.12 -
i found this amusing. my husband works horrible hours, sometimes more than 24hours at a time. this week he had one of those weeks. while he was still at the show, he's texts me asking if we can watch a co-workers dog this weekend. we have 2 dogs, 2 cats already mind you. i replied, i'm doing a 5k with my mom saturday morning, but you're free to join us. to which he responded he just wanted to sleep late and play video games. so in reality, he wanted ME to watch his coworker's dog while he slept, which can easily be until 1-2pm... once he had to step in, the dog was off the table. lol7
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chocolate_owl wrote: »mysteps2beauty wrote: »canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
That's because people with healthy relationships and smoothly-running households don't get on the internet to gripe about how their husbands suck and they have no time for themselves.
But I'm not married, nor in a relationship...thank goodness...just an observation of the people around me, but thanks, I am feeling kind of gripey...goes with the territory...glad you are doing very well for yourself....not everybody is as lucky as you two (and your profile suggests you don't have any kids either.)1 -
If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?
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feisty_bucket wrote: »If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?
That's just it....the parents (mom and dad) are to sacrifice for their family. Just an observation that what each parent thinks sacrifice is....for instance, some men seem to think taking care of their kid(s) is babysitting...2 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »chocolate_owl wrote: »mysteps2beauty wrote: »canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
That's because people with healthy relationships and smoothly-running households don't get on the internet to gripe about how their husbands suck and they have no time for themselves.
But I'm not married, nor in a relationship...thank goodness...just an observation of the people around me, but thanks, I am feeling kind of gripey...goes with the territory...glad you are doing very well for yourself....not everybody is as lucky as you two (and your profile suggests you don't have any kids either.)
While I disagree with the post to which you replied (I know more than a couple of happily married couples who B about everything on the internet), a good marriage isn't luck.7 -
I have a three month old. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. So does my wife who provides 90% of the care while she is on leave. She asks if I can watch him while she goes and I watch him (or her Mom does if she wants to go earlier in the day).
Unless the husband is refusing to raise the child, please stop using others as an excuse.
I think your statement about her asking you to watch the baby is really reinforcing the OP's point. For the majority of women, the child is their primary responsibility and they have to ask the spouse to "watch" the child when they want to do something. Not trying to pick a fight here, I'm genuinely curious. If you want to do something, do you have to ask your wife to watch the baby before you can do it? Or can you just do it?
Neither of us has to really 'ask' in the literal sense. We worked out a schedule. On my workout days I go workout. On her days, I come home after work and she goes to workout and I watch him.
Do I have a greater freedom to do things in general like go out to the grocery store where it is just assumed she will watch the baby. Yes, I think thats true but in a practical sense. She is breastfeeding and wants to keep bottle feeding to a minimum so it doesn't really make sense for her not too.
Do I just head out to the bar and tell her to not wait up and have fun with the baby. No, that would just make me inconsiderate.
None of these things are preventative from taking care of oneself.5 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »canadianlbs wrote: »If you want something, you must first ask instead of assuming it's not available to you.
i'm not sure it can just be assumed that anyone who's not getting hasn't asked. of the women who express this problem, it's probably safer to assume that at least some proportion of them have asked. repeatedly. and it's a guess on my part, but i think a lot of men give themselves more credit for their intentions than they do for their follow-through.
so there's a gap. you can't unilaterally change something that is inherently reliant on two people's behaviour.Overall, if you want a partner who is not selfish or doesn't pull his/her share, don't marry or partner up with one. That's the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about and look for before you commit to each other.
i've been single for most of my life, so i've seen a fair bit of that pre-commitment behaviour. almost everyone puts their best face forward while they're still motivated to make the 'right' impressions; it's just an inbuilt reflex. it actually takes a bit of concentration and willpower not to do it. plus, i strongly believe there are things people don't even find out about themselves relating to partnership until they're actually in the partnership and finding out at first hand.
i think people revert to their 'real' selves once the commitment is taken care of. it's good and bad - there are things about it which are actually positives. but i do think their behaviour changes. who they are maybe doesn't, but which facets of themselves they make visible do.
The point is moot. If a mother is dependent on a husband to provide child care or else she can't take care of herself, then a single mother is absolutely doomed. One need to only look around this site to know thats not true.
-- Restricting food intake does not require a partner
-- Going for walks/jogs with your child does not require a partner
-- Doing body weight circuits in the living room while baby naps does not require a partner
Thats only assuming you don't want to spend a dime and set up a home gym with equipment or join a gym that provides child care while you work out.
So, the working mom needs to pick up the kid from child care, get home, feed said kid, help with homework, do the odd chore like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, then she is suppose to have time to do these exercises at home? Oh, wait, let's have her do them in the morning before everyone is up unless said husband gets up in time to feed the kids up, feed, dressed and take to childcare, or school...I have yet to hear of this happening....
Assuming it is a single mom or a mom with a complete deadbeat husband, yes, working moms can and many do still take care of themselves.
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Meh...my wife and I split time. I'm at home in the evenings on Mondays and Wednesdays with the kids...I get them fed and bathed and I cook our dinner while she is at the gym. She gets home and gives them a story and tucks them in. We swap out Tuesdays and Thursdays when I go to the gym...she usually runs on her lunch breaks at work and I cycle...she usually does a long run on Saturday and I do a long ride on Sunday...we've worked out a schedule...we know lots of couples who somehow manage to take care of their families and their health and fitness...I'd say most of our peers...I don't know who you are observing exactly.
I don't know a single one of my peers who would just stop off and have a beer without communicating this...same for going to the gym or whatever...again, I don't know who the heck you are observing but I don't think it's very representative of real life, healthy and happy couples.4 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »feisty_bucket wrote: »If mothers are "sacrificing themselves for family," I wonder what the point of having the family was?
That's just it....the parents (mom and dad) are to sacrifice for their family. Just an observation that what each parent thinks sacrifice is....for instance, some men seem to think taking care of their kid(s) is babysitting...
Now you're finally using "some" but your OP was phrased as if this is a universal issue when it isn't.
I don't know. I cannot commiserate with a woman who chose to partner up with somebody who doesn't pull his share when it comes to taking care of the house or kids or anything else. The idea that this stuff is all hidden when dating because the person puts their best face forward is utter bs. Grow up and pay attention to who you are marrying, people. Have conversations about this kind of thing to be sure you are on the same page.7
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