Off Topic...Thoughts on Marriage, I do or I don't???
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kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
Mine ended for this very reason. I wanted more. I mean we were looking at houses for crying out loud. But? he didn't want to make that "commitment". We did all of the above lol - bills, family life, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. but when it came down to getting that ring? He would not do it. Said we were doing okay, etc. etc. I even caught him talking to his ex. I flipped out. We broke up. I started dating. He flipped out, bought a ring. After all that? I couldn't say yes. He still tries to come back. Hey, I was ready, wth was he? lol anywho, moving on!
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Been married twice, never again. My current arrangement actually caters very well to both of us. We're kind of in a relationship, kind of not, don't live together, but spend as much time together as schedules allow. We're both extremely solitary people anyway, so not having each other constantly up one another's *kitten* is very beneficial to the health of the sotuation.
It's pretty fantastic really. I get to be a video game loving and weight training narcissist, without it screwing with another person's life or self-worth.1 -
We've been married 33 years. It works because we're on the same page on all major issues. If one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't it COULD be a problem in your relationship whether you get married or not. It depends on if it's important to both of you. Get married and the one who didn't want to get married may resent it. Don't get married and the one who wanted to get married may resent it.1
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I wanna get married0
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We've been married 33 years. It works because we're on the same page on all major issues. If one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't it COULD be a problem in your relationship whether you get married or not. It depends on if it's important to both of you. Get married and the one who didn't want to get married may resent it. Don't get married and the one who wanted to get married may resent it.
This ^ is my fear.0 -
After seven years of living together, you guys will be considered legally bound anyway. At least in some states.1
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I don't think this is something to be decided through other people experiences, I can understand both sides of the story. This is something that you both need to sit down over and chat about the pros and cons of both marriage and non marriage. Do your research, you don't need a big party and if your family truly cared for you they would understand that you don't want a huge wedding. Forget the money side and decide if this is something you want, if it is, forget the party and invite family round to your house for a few drink after instead (or meet them down the pub), if it's not then consider all the time you have both spent thinking about this instead of going out and enjoying your life together.1
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kschwab0203 wrote: »You're asking for advice on mfp. Leave now
Gee you sound like a super person!
Thought you might want to check out some of the following threads and let these people know to stop asking for advice or speaking off topic to the site since you appointed yourself MFP police.
The Singles Hangout
Girls Opinion
Why Do Guys Only Want Me For My Kitten
Dr. Pimple Popper
Newly Broken Up
Also, if you have more time once you are done with these, I can certainly get another list for you...there are tons of these kinds of post.
"Leave now"=leave your relationship, Einstein
You weren't exactly crystal clear brah.3 -
*I* would walk away at some point. But you have to decide that for yourself.
In my case, I've been in a similar situation (no kids together, though) and he actually changed his mind and wants to get married now. It's just a matter of getting our respective families here so we can do it surrounded by the right people. However, I would have eventually walked if he hadn't changed his mind.0 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »You're asking for advice on mfp. Leave now
Gee you sound like a super person!
Thought you might want to check out some of the following threads and let these people know to stop asking for advice or speaking off topic to the site since you appointed yourself MFP police.
The Singles Hangout
Girls Opinion
Why Do Guys Only Want Me For My Kitten
Dr. Pimple Popper
Newly Broken Up
Also, if you have more time once you are done with these, I can certainly get another list for you...there are tons of these kinds of post.
"Leave now"=leave your relationship, Einstein
You weren't exactly crystal clear brah.
Right!0 -
While the marriage issue had nothing to do with my ex and I breaking up, it was very representative of our shortcomings as a couple. I knew I wanted to be married, but at the time I didn't really know *why* - it just seemed important. After about 2 years, I started gazing at rings when we walked by jewelry stores, hoping we could at least talk about it. Eventually we did, and he made it clear that marriage was meaningless to him and didn't see a reason for it. He didn't care that it was important to me, and if we ever were to get married, it would be when he decided it was ok.
Some big issues here that eventually broke us up: my inability to speak up for myself and express things to him in a way he "got," his insistence on controlling our relationship, and his lack of compassion. These were pervasive in our day-to-day interactions, not just this issue. If we had been otherwise healthy, I probably could have at least been more sympathetic to his position, but instead I felt rejected and unheard and grew resentful. We trudged on for 2 more years, but we were miserable. Then when I finally dumped him, he told me he had been planning to propose soon.
Is marriage a standalone issue in your relationship, or is it one more thing in a string of things that make you question if you should be with him?3 -
I was in that situation for many, many , many yrs and when he finally decided that marriage was the next step (after 12 yrs....) I was so over the idea of marriage but did it anyway for the kids sake. Stupid mistake.0
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kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
Reading the thread you have been together 3 years and your children are from previous relationships.
I think it depends on why marriage is important to one person and not the other. There are valid reasons for marriage like wanting to have more of a say in the children's lives or custody if something happens to the parent or making medical decisions, insurance, property, etc. A person may not want marriage due to past experiences or not wanting the commitment.
I think you should get to the heart of why each of you feel the way you do and have a very honest discussion. If your views are really in disagreement maybe you should walk away.1 -
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kschwab0203 wrote: »You're asking for advice on mfp. Leave now
Gee you sound like a super person!
Thought you might want to check out some of the following threads and let these people know to stop asking for advice or speaking off topic to the site since you appointed yourself MFP police.
The Singles Hangout
Girls Opinion
Why Do Guys Only Want Me For My Kitten
Dr. Pimple Popper
Newly Broken Up
Also, if you have more time once you are done with these, I can certainly get another list for you...there are tons of these kinds of post.
"Leave now"=leave your relationship, Einstein
You weren't exactly crystal clear brah.
I teach special ed.
Oh my god, the blind leading the blind! Just kidding. It was low hanging fruit.0 -
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Louise1491 wrote: »
I was (sort of) drunk when I got married ...
But the op needs to decide what's really important and how much they want to be with their partner, married or not.0 -
chocolate_owl wrote: »While the marriage issue had nothing to do with my ex and I breaking up, it was very representative of our shortcomings as a couple. I knew I wanted to be married, but at the time I didn't really know *why* - it just seemed important. After about 2 years, I started gazing at rings when we walked by jewelry stores, hoping we could at least talk about it. Eventually we did, and he made it clear that marriage was meaningless to him and didn't see a reason for it. He didn't care that it was important to me, and if we ever were to get married, it would be when he decided it was ok.
Some big issues here that eventually broke us up: my inability to speak up for myself and express things to him in a way he "got," his insistence on controlling our relationship, and his lack of compassion. These were pervasive in our day-to-day interactions, not just this issue. If we had been otherwise healthy, I probably could have at least been more sympathetic to his position, but instead I felt rejected and unheard and grew resentful. We trudged on for 2 more years, but we were miserable. Then when I finally dumped him, he told me he had been planning to propose soon.
Is marriage a standalone issue in your relationship, or is it one more thing in a string of things that make you question if you should be with him?
This. A thousand times, this. I have a very similar situation and it was only in hindsight that I realized how emotionally abusive my ex actually was (not saying your guy is, I don't know your situation) and how awful things would have been had we gotten married because he only would have gotten worse, not better.
That said, if it's the only issue, I don't know. It would depend on how adamant each of you are in your opinion.0 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »chocolate_owl wrote: »While the marriage issue had nothing to do with my ex and I breaking up, it was very representative of our shortcomings as a couple. I knew I wanted to be married, but at the time I didn't really know *why* - it just seemed important. After about 2 years, I started gazing at rings when we walked by jewelry stores, hoping we could at least talk about it. Eventually we did, and he made it clear that marriage was meaningless to him and didn't see a reason for it. He didn't care that it was important to me, and if we ever were to get married, it would be when he decided it was ok.
Some big issues here that eventually broke us up: my inability to speak up for myself and express things to him in a way he "got," his insistence on controlling our relationship, and his lack of compassion. These were pervasive in our day-to-day interactions, not just this issue. If we had been otherwise healthy, I probably could have at least been more sympathetic to his position, but instead I felt rejected and unheard and grew resentful. We trudged on for 2 more years, but we were miserable. Then when I finally dumped him, he told me he had been planning to propose soon.
Is marriage a standalone issue in your relationship, or is it one more thing in a string of things that make you question if you should be with him?
This. A thousand times, this. I have a very similar situation and it was only in hindsight that I realized how emotionally abusive my ex actually was (not saying your guy is, I don't know your situation) and how awful things would have been had we gotten married because he only would have gotten worse, not better.
That said, if it's the only issue, I don't know. It would depend on how adamant each of you are in your opinion.
I didn't want to get married up until recently. Who knows my mind may change again. I think that not really understanding his reasons why and kinda thinking they are bull*hit is bothering me more.0 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
I can tell you this from my experience. Years ago I got divorced, married almost 13 years. From that point I swear I wouldn't get married again. Currently I am in a relationship that is going great. We live together, split the bills, and have talked about marriage. Personally I am not ready for it, and don't plan on doing it anytime soon. The pain of what I lost and had to endure through the divorce was enough to scare me away from it (I am referring to my kids moving 1500 miles away not material items). So my GF and I have agreed to take things slow when it comes to marriage and to continue living together like we are.
Marriage is a total commitment physically, emotionally, and financially. If something happens it can destroy a marriage instantly. From that point of view I can see why he is hesitance to getting married. If things fail it is a cleaner break sort of (Check Common law marriages for your state).
My advice is to talk to him and make the decision. Is marriage important enough that your willing to walk away from this relationship if he says no?1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
I can tell you this from my experience. Years ago I got divorced, married almost 13 years. From that point I swear I wouldn't get married again. Currently I am in a relationship that is going great. We live together, split the bills, and have talked about marriage. Personally I am not ready for it, and don't plan on doing it anytime soon. The pain of what I lost and had to endure through the divorce was enough to scare me away from it (I am referring to my kids moving 1500 miles away not material items). So my GF and I have agreed to take things slow when it comes to marriage and to continue living together like we are.
Marriage is a total commitment physically, emotionally, and financially. If something happens it can destroy a marriage instantly. From that point of view I can see why he is hesitance to getting married. If things fail it is a cleaner break sort of (Check Common law marriages for your state).
My advice is to talk to him and make the decision. Is marriage important enough that your willing to walk away from this relationship if he says no?
This is why I ultimately think he is hesitant....and to me, I feel that's a commitment issue, which bothers me.0 -
Sorry if someone else already said this because I haven't read all the responses yet. A lot of people say they don't want to get married because it doesn't mean anything and it won't change anything. If that is the case, they should have no trouble getting married; nothing will change and it doesn't mean anything so why the hell not get married?1
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If you're in a great relationship why change it?
I've seen many go down hill after the dumb paper is signed.
However, marriage brings healthcare benefits and insurance...
Oh, such a hard choice!0 -
These days marriage isn't like it used to be back in the day marriage was a vow to spend the rest of your life with each other but today people seem to be just throwing marriage around like nothing people who don't even know each other well hell there is even thst married at first sight show!!!! I mean don't get me wrong I would absolutely love to get married have thst day I can walk down the Isle in that beautiful white gown and make a vow to the person I love who has been there for me the father of my children but if it doesn't happen that doesn't change the way I feel about him will still love him and tho we don't have a wedding certificate I still have my own vow to him it's been almost 7 years and I plan on it being forever with or without a wedding ring0
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This is a discussion people should have before entering a long term relationship. But it depends. If youre willing to look past it and compromise maybe. But if marriage is that important to ome of you then obviously you arent meant to be. But you can also have a wedding without getting legally married. If its the proposal and the wedding someone wants. Its something like this needs to be a llng upseting discussion 1 on 1.0
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The institution of marriage is great if you want to live in an institution.......
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kschwab0203 wrote: »This is why I ultimately think he is hesitant....and to me, I feel that's a commitment issue, which bothers me.
i don't have much of a stake in this conversation, or any very clear idea of where i'll be going with it since i've never been married myself and would feel like i was losing something kind of neat if i were to spoil that track record now.
hindsight on all my own relationships always makes me go 'thank god i didn't waste something like marriage on something that didn't work.' so i think i relate most to people who have been and say 'never again'. but i think for the next person along in a was-married person's life, there's something about that that's just hard to get past in a logical way. half your head understands how much sense their pov makes, but i think there's always some other little corner of your mind that goes: 'you married this previous person [who sucked], but somehow, in some way, you're not prepared to go that far for me [who doesn't].'
not that that helps you to figure things out, or anything. i'm inconsistent on the topic myself, in some ways.0
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