husband sabotaging my efforts!
Replies
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I need help with a husband who is not being very helpful or considerate of my efforts to eat clean and healthy.
He is a good man but he does not have a clue as to how hard it is to stay on a program with all the temptations he brings into to the house. I am doing a hormone reset program and just for 21 days i am trying really hard to focus on the plan. one part of it is limiting sugar and of course he goes ahead and bakes my all time favorite cookies to bring to a potluck and has me chop the nuts!
All the while not understanding why i would be upset and or hurt that he couldn't have offered to bring something healthy for us all. It is going to take all my will power not to eat one but i am going to do it! He will leave them all there so no worries. It just upsets me that he cannot understand how hard this is for me. He has about 10 lbs to lose himself but really can't be bothered with it. He does work out and eat fairly healthy so i do give him that. I guess my beef is i wanted him to be on my team and he doesn't want to play.:( Any one else have these problems?
Have you talked to him about your plan? Did you ask him to not bake cookies for 21 days?
Is he making remarks about what you are eating or telling you to eat a cookie?
Do you guys usually take stuff like cookies to potlucks? Did you suggest other foods to take to the potluck and he shot you down?
Probably not sabatoge.
You are on a self imposed restricted diet for 21 days- not your husband or the rest of the world. The food will be there.
Talk to him about it.
Choose:
1. Suck it up and stick to your plan no matter what.
2. Drop the unsustainable diet and just moderate intake.3 -
Sometimes my husband sees me eat dinner and then thirty minutes later asks me what I'm going to eat for dinner! It's not sabotage. He just forgets I guess.
Remember that you are responsible for yourself and your choices and that he can't make you do anything. Maybe next time politely decline to take part in the baking - if you've clearly made your wishes that he not bake known.1 -
Reality is ... the world is not going to pussyfoot around you because you've decided to lose weight. You are upset with your husband for taking cookies to potluck but what about the other people? How are you going to avoid what they bring?
Yes, he should support you BUT you need to learn to do it yourself. if you say things like " It is going to take all my will power not to eat one but i am going to do it!" then THAT is the right attitude.
The people at my work eat junk food all the time. They make an occasion of it and expect everyone to join in. I had a colleague sitting next to me that would insist I share her junk food every day. it doesn't help getting angry. I would politely refuse and carry on working. A year later and they start bringing in healthy options for me (without me asking or demanding it) because they see my commitment, that I am serious and how I have changed.
I'm lucky in one way because my wife and I are doing this together. Even then she sometimes eats off the meal plan in front of me. Do I have the right to get upset with her? No she is a frikkin adult allowed to make her own decisions. I just have to have th strength to say no thank you. and if i eat 1 frikkin cookie it is not going to kill me. If I eat 10, i need accept that I *kitten* up and that I need to work harder next time.
BUT I cannot blame my wife. I am a capable adult.
You are on the right track, just be strong. He will come around eventually once he sees that you are committed.7 -
My wife makes it very very difficult for me to watch my weight as well. And I got all the way up to 285 pounds, and then very very careful over the course of the next two years and got down on the 180ish.
She slowly introduced junk food and stuff back, and I climbed back up to about 235. Managed to stop and get down to 190 again.
But here we are same crap again. Nothing but junk food coming into the house and I'm back up to 203 already.
Many of you can have support, but take it from me... Weight loss journey is when you are truly alone on. Even if they TRY to be with you, you are still alone.2 -
I live with my boyfriend and he isn't in the same place I am regarding healthier eating and working out, but that's his right. I LOVE beer. He drinks several a night while we watch TV. Does that mean he's being a jerk? Absolutely not. I have to have the willpower to A) not partake or
plan a beer or two into my day. I'm not expecting him to change habits because I have decided to. I'd love for him to be a little healthier sure, but he has to want that. Until then, I do what I need to and I don't get hung up on what he's doing. 2 -
OK and the family I live with 'sabotage' me by having chocolate and crisps in the cupboards?
Nope.
It's up to ME - a fully-grown adult - to make the choice, to open the packet and stuff my face - or to not. Yep, they're there when I go for my Marmite, for example, so I see them - but no one forces them into my mouth and makes me chew.
It can FEEL like sabotage/mean intentions/teasing, but it's not. All it takes (in your husband's case) is, "That was such a sweet thought, I can't eat them at the moment though!! You enjoy them though." Kiss, made up, done.3 -
My wife doesn't always want to eat the way I want to eat.
I don't always want to eat the way she wants to eat.
My boys can eat us through house in home, whether healthy stuff or not.
The problem is not theirs ... it is mine. I'm an adult. I have to take responsibility for my own actions.5 -
Oh, girl. Come on. You can't hold other people accountable for you weight loss.7
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I think its awesome that your husband took care of the potluck food...and the best part is, you could eat one or two and not derail your plan because the rest were staying at the potluck and not coming home with you.
Maybe you are trying to restrict too much? Maybe he thinks you are grumpy on your diet and was trying to get you to eat something to change your mood? Talk to him. Are you feeling good?
If you need support, come here. We can't expect everyone else to change just because their eating doesn't work for us. Try to eat in a way that works for both of you. Good luck!1 -
My wife does the same thing...She doesn't understand why she is not suppose to bring home donuts even though both my boys and I are trying to lose weight...I have talked to her about it, but she brings the stuff home because "it was on sale"... so I throw them out...we have a fight because she says I am throwing away money, and I tell her (again) not to buy it...I don't care if they are giving it away...don't bring it home. This does go on and on...she refuses to understand. So what I have told myself and my boys is that we use this as a test of our endurance and will power. She brings it home and it sits and gets moldy. We are winning, but she may continue to bring it home...1
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AnAbsoluteDiva wrote: »I ignore all the stupid stuff my husband does. It's why we're still married.
THIS!!! THIS!!! THIS!!! The key to asuccessful marriage, sooooo YES!!! AND....it goes BOTH ways!!!2 -
AnAbsoluteDiva wrote: »I ignore all the stupid stuff my husband does. It's why we're still married.
@AnAbsoluteDiva - Your wisdom - and possibly your patience - equals my wife's!0 -
Use your words--have you told him that you are dieting and that you find it difficult to resist cookies (or whatever)? If, after that, he still continues, then that kind of makes him a jerk, but are you really going to end your marriage over that? Above everything else, you really can't control the situation, you can only control your reaction to the situation--willpower over cookies, that is...0
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So he has no right to bake food, or have food that he likes, in the house just because his wife is on a diet? Sounds like a pretty crappy way to have a marriage.[/quote]Commander_Keen wrote: »
And you would be the person, who would drink a keg, in front of the friend who trying to quite drinking.. Great friendship you would have.[/quote]
I sat in a pub yesterday with two friends for two hours ... they had beer, I had water. My problem, not theirs.5 -
Keep in mind that this is something that YOU are doing, not him. It took me a while to realize that just because I needed and wanted to do this for me, I can't expect everyone in my house to play along as well. As someone else said, this is the real world that's happening in your home. Just like outside your home, you cannot control what others do, just how you react to it.
Also, pointing out that "He has about 10 lbs to lose himself but really can't be bothered with it" doesn't make you look good. It makes you come across as a petty child who, when they aren't getting their way, you start pointing out what the other is doing wrong. It's something that my children do. I'm certain that that's not who you are or how you normally act, but it is how it appears.
I know this sucks because I was where you are once, but I realized that this is MY journey, and no one else's.1 -
So he has no right to bake food, or have food that he likes, in the house just because his wife is on a diet? Sounds like a pretty crappy way to have a marriage.Commander_Keen wrote: »
And you would be the person, who would drink a keg, in front of the friend who trying to quite drinking.. Great friendship you would have.[/quote]
I sat in a pub yesterday with two friends for two hours ... they had beer, I had water. My problem, not theirs. [/quote]
And your in AA? If not, then who cares0 -
Give the guy a break.
This is something brand new you are doing. It will take him time to adjust, especially if you have a history of going on and off diets. Take responsibility for yourself instead of accusing your husband of sabotage.
This 100%. You are doing this for you. My wife is super skinny and can eat straight lard if she wants and not gain a pound. It's not her job to change her life to make my life easy. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to claw, scrape and most importantly learn to pull my big boy pants up and eat right. I also know that one cookie isn't going to kill my diet, the biggest thing is to learn portion control and just self control. Life isn't going to bend to your diet, you have to have the willpower to do it.
You got this, now continue to dominate, and if you by chance did have one of those cookies then just walk a little further or a little harder and continue!2 -
As most other people have said, you have to have the will power to make the change. My husband still gets his snacking and junk food and I just leave the room
I know that my walking away from his junk food is better for me. He does support me though which is nice. Your husband may not realize that its upsetting you. Talk to him about it. 0 -
If you have kids, there's no avoiding the junk food in the house. Grandmas always buying all sorts of treats I need to resist. You just need to say No in any circumstances.
Just yesterday my kids were given a giant box of malteasers and my son kept offering them to me I had to resist
Say what???? Please don't let my kids or grandkids know.2 -
So he has no right to bake food, or have food that he likes, in the house just because his wife is on a diet? Sounds like a pretty crappy way to have a marriage.[/quote]Commander_Keen wrote: »
And you would be the person, who would drink a keg, in front of the friend who trying to quite drinking.. Great friendship you would have.[/quote]
The person trying to quit drinking has no business at a kegger. Just sayin'.5 -
This is something a lot of people who make any lifestyle change deal with. You have to remember YOU decided to change, HE did not. He isn't sabotaging you, he's living his life exactly as he was before. Sure, it's a lot easier when two people decide to change together, but that's not what happened.
As for the cookies, did you expect him to ready your mind? You couldn't speak up and say "actually, if you don't mind I'd prefer we take X instead?" And I assume those cookies weren't the only unhealthy thing at the pot luck.
You will be a lot less frustrated if you remember that you can't control other people's actions, just how you react to those actions.
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It's not your husband's job to police your food or to restrict what is being made for a potluck -- it's your job to stand strong.
My husband does the opposite... he tries to help me monitor allergy foods when we go out to eat. I must constantly remind him that my allergy foods are MY PROBLEM, not his... and not the waiter's. If I'm going to break out in hives from some jambalaya, then I can't complain about it. The same goes for calorie counting/watching -- MY PROBLEM, not his.3 -
A couple of things here that others have touched on -
He was making the cookies to take to pot luck, not to feed you with.
Did you tell him it would be too hard for you to resist and therefore could not chop the nuts?
Sounds like you may not be fully communicating to him. BTW, sabotage would really be that he made your favorite cookies and followed you around with them and picked at you until you ate them. Then he spoke meanly about what you were trying to accomplish and keeps shoving food you are trying not to eat at you. Unless you left out a lot, it sounds like he is just living life as normal. Maybe you need to talk to him a bit more, but you may need to level set in your head first.
If you are choosing a specific diet to meet your needs, that's great, you do you, but he can still do him.1 -
Here's the deal, your husband is not responsible for what you eat. If you would like him to be more supportive you need to help him understand why and how he can be more supportive. Don't expect him to magically have all kinds of knowledge on what you are trying to do without informing him first. Bottom line, your body = your choices.4
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Welcome!
I find all the people in my family are mostly thinking of themselves most of the time. Everybody is mostly thinking of themselves and their stuff in their heads most of the time. You just have to work around it and be happy in yourself.
Eat what you need to and they won't even notice until you drop a lot of weight and suddenly they will start commenting and take it out of you! Trust me, just stay on your path, look neither left nor right and all will be well.
There is a lot of support here on mfp, mostly its good. You can do this!1 -
Communication is key! Have you actually had a conversation with him about this and asked for his support for the next 3 weeks of hormone reset and then the months to follow doing myfitnesspal to lose the rest of the weight?
It sounds like you haven't let him know what you need or expect from him. You also have the power- you could have refused to chop the nuts, or told him before he started making the cookies that you want him to make/bring something healthier.
Stand up for yourself and also give him a chance- I'm sure he will try to be supportive if you let him know what you need and give him some guidance.1 -
WHAT THE HECK IS A "HORMONE RESET DIET?"
Oh, I looked it up. It's another fad diet with unsubstantiated claims, and warnings being issued by nutritionists and health officials.
You don't need to reset your hormones. You need eat healthy, and enjoy an occasional cookie. And it's your husband's decision whether or not he needs to lose 10lbs, not yours.15 -
You need to explain to him what you are trying to do. Mine is really bad..he'll go grocery shopping and bring home the crappiest food ever (fries, pizza pops, muffin mixes, chips, pepsi...) I'll come home from work, and the house reeks of grease.. he's made fish and chips "hey honey, I made dinner...!" UGH... now, I appreciate the gesture, but I have to tell him... I'm choosing not to eat grease, my dear...thanks anyway - and I make some chicken and rice, or whatever. I have heard... now I don't know how true this is...but I've witnessed it.. some men, bring home crap, and order pizza's, and bake cookies in order to keep their wives a little heavy, to be sure no other men find them attractive. I know it sounds insane, but it makes a lot of sense in some cases. They bring home pizza, or chinese, and turn it into a romantic evening.. (look how nice I am...you don't have to cook tonight honey).... just a little too often... Just kindly put your foot down, and make sure you are doing most of the cooking, and baking - and dont order out...may not seem fair...but keep in mind it's for YOU. and YOUR success.
PS - mine is improving...he usually asks now "i'm making myself a pizza pop...do you want one?" I just politely say, "no thanks"..end of story0 -
My wife makes it very very difficult for me to watch my weight as well. And I got all the way up to 285 pounds, and then very very careful over the course of the next two years and got down on the 180ish.
She slowly introduced junk food and stuff back, and I climbed back up to about 235. Managed to stop and get down to 190 again.
But here we are same crap again. Nothing but junk food coming into the house and I'm back up to 203 already.
Many of you can have support, but take it from me... Weight loss journey is when you are truly alone on. Even if they TRY to be with you, you are still alone.
@xRezin Be accountable for yourself - don't blame your wife. See how @gcibsthom deals with the same thing in an earlier comment here.
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I kind of wonder if all these sabotaging spouses are off somewhere else online writing about how their spouses are sabotaging their efforts to maintain a lifestyle they're satisfied with?10
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