My wife hates my weight loss

jomtois wrote: »

Hello,

I've been logging into MFP continuously for about a month and a half now, have tracked my eating and exercise faithfully, have been under my calorie goals about 95% of the time, and have gotten into the habit of daily exercise. Since adopting these healthier lifestyle changes, I have lost 14 pounds so far and I have been feeling better than I have in ages. The support from other people on here is fantastic and I have been drawing on that for motivation and support.

However, I am looking for some advice regarding how to handle a little problem that has cropped up on the homefront. Now that my weight loss is visible, my wife (who has struggled with obesity herself for her adult life) has told me that she is jealous of my weight loss and is resenting me for it. We had a frank discussion about it last night. Although I won't get into all of the details of the conversation, one thing she said to me is that by me looking better and losing weight it is causing her to feel worse about herself which causes her to eat more. She says that for every pound I lose, she is gaining another herself.

I know this is a touchy subject for women, especially from their husbands, so I have tread lightly around the subject. I know she is an extremely emotional eater (which is not the case for myself, making it hard for me to relate on that point). I feel bad that she is turning something that is very positive for me personally into something that is harming her. I don't think she is trying to manipulate me or consciously trying to sabotage my progress. I am not trying to convince her to follow my lead and try to be healthier, although I told her I would be supportive if she chose to do so on her own. I know that she would need to make the decision and commitment herself if that was something she was ready to do. She works a stressful job, is going through a rough time with hospitalized family members, has non-obesity related medical problems, and we are in the process of adopting a child. I can see where as an emotional eater that would make things seem more difficult to overcome. Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else.

I do all of the grocery shopping and cooking so I have at least some control in providing healthy meals and limiting the availability of unhealthy food in our house. Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them. I fear that the frustration in that causes her to binge on crap when I'm not around, perpetuating the cycle. Although I don't buy junk, she manages to acquire ice cream etc. somehow and that ends up in our freezer. That is not a temptation to me (no sweet tooth to speak of) but I am still a little disappointed when it happens. Of course saying anything about it would only make it worse.

I know there is an element of selfishness needed by me to continue on my path, and I am trying not to be too influenced by what she is telling me. I am trying to just set a good example. However, I know I would do even better if she was being supportive rather than jealous. I would love it if she would make some small steps in the right direction herself, but she has herself convinced that she is doomed to failure no matter what. She says it is just easy for me. I have explained to her how NOT easy it has been for me. There has been a lot of hard work and sacrifice I have had to make to get even this far.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or been in my wife's position previously? If so, what kind of advice would you give to me? I feel like I am really struggling to do what's right. Part of me wants to continue on my path, but it pains another part of me to think that what I am doing is going to cause her harm. I know we are all ultimately responsible for the choices we make for ourselves, but I am still human and I do have compassion for how she is feeling.

If you read this far, thank you for your time.