Friends suddenly unsupportive after losing a lot of weight?

Adventuretown · March 2017

I am at a loss and figured I'd turn to you guys to see if you've dealt with anything similar..

I started trying to lose weight in February 2016, where my starting weight was 234lbs (on a 5'3" frame..I was pretty big). In seven months, I lost 60lbs through cleaning up my diet and exercising regularly. Nothing drastic, nothing "fad-like".. Literally just hard work. I maintained my weight for 5ish months, giving my mind/body a break from such hard work, and I'm now back on track and losing weight again to lean out a bit more. I want to see the muscle definition in the muscles I've worked so hard build.

Admittedly, how I look has changed A LOT. I went from a size 20 jeans to a size 8. My face is a heck of a lot slimmer now, too. But I've worked with a dietitian and my family doctor this whole time, and I'm healthy. I am the fittest I've been in my entire 32 years of life. I climb mountains, do every single sport I ever wanted to try / participate in (easily!), and I seriously love my life. Yes, I like being smaller and like how I look more now, but it's become soooo much more than the scale.

ANYWAYS, I had a friend message me the other day after I posted a photo of myself and he went on and on, saying I "looked like a f*ing skeleton" and he's "worried I might be anorexic" and that I'm "skin and bones". Trust me, at 173lbs with a 39% skeletal muscle mass, I'm the furthest thing from skin and bones. I'm built sturdy and muscularly and built for power in all my sports I do.

How the heck do I even begin to deal with this type of criticism? Or the day-to-day coworker comments about "Oh, careful, you're getting too skinny".. I feel like telling everyone in my life that if they didn't intervene when I was obese and veryyyy unhealthy before I started weight loss, they have no right to say anything about my size now.. But there's got to be a better, less confrontational way.

I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of "thin shaming".. that's for sure!

Psychgrrl · March 2017

The friend may just be used to seeing you differently. If they only know you from FB and don't see you in real life, taking the new "you" in after a 70 pound loss is a huge change. Whether that's the case or not, you can just say, "I'm good, thanks." If you want, you can say I'm working with my doctor and they're really happy with my progress." Some people have no idea what healthy looks like on a person because we're so used to seeing the extremes.

For the co-workers, you can say the same thing "I won't, thanks."

It really is none of their business. I didn't discuss my diet or weight-loss with anyone, but some couldn't help commenting when it became really obvious. I just deflected and kept doing my own thing. I know I'm healthy now. For some, they really were concerned, not knowing if I was being healthy and not understanding anything about weight-loss or a healthy weight. For others, it brought up "stuff" and those things which had nothing do to with me flavored how they interacted with the new me. I have a could co-workers who are obese and have tried every diet out there and another with an anorexic daughter. I know their remarks weren't really about me.

Never make someone else's problem your issue.

Our paths are really similar, same starting height, close to the same starting weight. I took a six month break after the first 75-80.

Congrats on the loss so far and good luck on the next step!

fitmom4lifemfp · March 2017

Oh my. I don't see it as "shaming" really. I think that our friends, especially those that don't see us everyday, find the changed appearances to be shocking, simply because they did NOT see the small changes every day. Maybe he is actually worried, but you know that he has no cause to be. I would tell him just that. You were unhealthy, and he was just used to that image. You are improving your health, and with it, your appearance. Tell him you appreciate his support. And I would leave it at that.

cathipa · March 2017

I lost someone who I considered my best friend only for her and her husband to tell our mutual acquaintances and friends I lost weight and think I'm too good for everyone. I'm an ambivert ( they know it) and I was trying to help her lose weight as well by exercising together and sharing recipes. It's sucks but I've found with any success you figure out who your true friends really are.

brdnw · March 2017

I've been told my face looks too thin or that i'm too skinny at 225lbs (even by my mom) ...so when I respond with that i actually want to lose 25 more pounds they amplify it even more ha.

...I feel that people just don't have the context for it and that's how it's best to approach it. To some people having 20% bodyfat means you're in great shape and at the same time it's still healthy for another subset of people to see that as not being lean enough.

YvetteK2015 · March 2017

Also, everyone has their own idea of what healthy looks like, even if it really isn't healthy. I'm 5'5, and used to be 125. At that weight, I was at the upper end of a healthy BMI. But some people told me I looked like a skeleton (I really didn't). Then I got to an unhealthy 180 lbs, and those same people told me I looked really good. Well, at that weight I was in the obese category.

So really, I just take what other people say with a grain of salt. It's only their opinion they are stating, and they don't know where you are in terms of a healthy weight. Only you know that, so just take it for what it is. Just someone stating an uneducated opinion. It really means nothing.

JohnnyPenso · March 2017

Same experience here. I just laugh and forget about it.

AnvilHead · March 2017

Modern society has gotten so used to seeing grossly obese people as "normal" that our (speaking collectively) perception of what is actually a healthy weight is badly skewed.

tapwaters · March 2017

My favorite that I've gotten: when you talk about your weight loss (always only after being asked) you make me feel bad about myself. She then went on to say that my success actively hurts her feelings and that I make her feel fat -- just because I've successfully lost weight.

kellansmommy11 · March 2017

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss success! I am about your height, and I was about your starting weight when I started in June 2016. I am about at your weight now. So that's pretty cool! Good for you!

Anyway, about your friend. Is this someone you see in real life, or is it just someone on Facebook? If it is someone on Facebook, that person's opinion really doesn't matter. They are not involved in your every day life. Delete the message and MoveOn. If it is a friend you know in real life, let that person know that you are working with a doctor and are definitely making sure you are healthy. Also, remember that everyone has a different idea of what healthy looks like. You know that you are doing all the right things. You know how you feel. It doesn't really matter what anyone else says, except of course your doctor. You're doing fantastic! Keep up the great work

dania201 · March 2017

Sometimes think that an outward appearance means an inward change. I definitely noticed that in the other direction too, people treating you different as you get heavier and heavier for example. They act like getting super heavy means that there is something different about you now....

DietVanillaCoke · March 2017

Congrats on your weight loss =D.

I had this issue the first time I lost weight. Though it was 100% to get me to give up. My mother would say things like "Oh no, you're losing your boobs, i feel sorry for your BF." then laugh or she'd try to get me to eat horrible junk and get aggressive when I would turn it down. She was also one of those annoying people who would say things like "You can't eat that! You're on a diet" Seriously can't stand it when people try to tell me how much of what i can eat.

Your friend online might just not be used to seeing the new you which 60-70lbs can be a big difference especially on a 5'3 frame. You can always just smile and tell these people that it's nice to see they care but your healthcare provider is working with you and he/she would like you to continue to get down to a healthier weight and you trust their professional opinion. As well as tell them you intend to work on building muscle and getting fit rather than skinny. Then if they're honestly concerned they will know you're aiming for health rather than "skinny" and you're also being supervised. If they're still not supportive, i'd just ignore them. Sadly we can't please everyone =(

Good luck with the rest of your goals =D

sbrandt37 · March 2017

It's just misguided concern from people who care about you. I have had a few similar experiences. You can accept and even be grateful for their concern without accepting their (mistaken) judgement. For example, you could say, "I really appreciate your concern, but I am working with a doctor and I am nowhere near a dangerous weight (or weight loss, or whatever). In fact, I am the healthiest I have been in a long time!"

MarriedchunkyK · March 2017

In 2009 I lost 130 lbs. Coworkers felt they had the right to comment on my body just because I lost weight. Things like Don't gain it back! Constantly one told me as I was bent over the copier wow your rolls are almost gone! Or you lost all that weight you need a better bra! One even touched my stomach and told me she hated the brown pants I used to wear because of my belly. Truth is your not part of a freak show and people are so wrong to comment on your weight-loss. It's OK for a close friend to ask in private if you are okay but none of the assuming is right at all and I'd nicely set them straight.

PaulaWallaDingDong · March 2017

Good timing. I was just on my way to dinner when a coworker stopped to tell me how great I look, but DON'T LOSE ANY MORE. YOU'RE PERFECT NOW. Mind you I still have probably 25 lbs to go (may be less. I'll see as I go). I told him "Don't worry. I don't want to get skinny. I'm just getting healthy." and thanked him for the compliment and kept walking. He's Chinese, and I keep hearing about how even healthy women are fat shamed by old-school Asian relatives. Maybe he sees the problem with that and doesn't want me to feel that way? Idk but if the intentions are good, I just politely say I know what I'm doing and go about my business. (5'3", SW 250, CW 149, GW 125, negotiable.)

heiliskrimsli · March 2017

Crabs in a bucket. I tell coworkers basically that I don't think it's appropriate to comment on other people's bodies at work.

Everyone else, I'm a lot less polite with.

cwagar123 · March 2017

I have lost about 80 lbs over 2 years. My mom only puts my heaviest pics on display... But she is *like* that lol

dania201 · March 2017

cwagar123 wrote: »

I have lost about 80 lbs over 2 years. My mom only puts my heaviest pics on display... But she is *like* that lol

Wait, why??

antinomiancelestial · March 2017

I get this. I have lost 2 freaking pounds so far, and I had a friend express concern that I might have an eating disorder because I expressed frustration at being hungry one day. I think that as other posters have said, there's a lot of misinformation in our society about what's healthy and what's not. I'd go with what others have suggested and just say "Thanks, but I'm working with my doctor on this and feel great" if these are people you know well or just ignoring the situation if they aren't good friends.

prattiger65 · March 2017

I usually say something like, " I got tired of being fat, you may get tired of it too one day." But I'm an old *kitten*.

lizvia · March 2017

Congrats! I'm at your starting weight and 1 inch taller, just starting the journey of weight loss again! I keep going back to old habits. This time it's for my health.

newheavensearth · March 2017

Ignore it if you can. Some people can't adjust to change, others are out of touch with what a healthy weight person looks like.

My relatives used to do interventions on me to try to stop me from losing more weight. When I told them this was about health they backed off and admitted they weren't used to seeing me smaller.

Rocknut53 · March 2017

I just ignore them. I agree with AnvilHead. I used to think "skinny" women were too skinny. Now that I'm more slender (not skinny) I realize my perceptions were skewed.

SLLRunner · March 2017

Adventuretown wrote: »

I am at a loss and figured I'd turn to you guys to see if you've dealt with anything similar..

I started trying to lose weight in February 2016, where my starting weight was 234lbs (on a 5'3" frame..I was pretty big). In seven months, I lost 60lbs through cleaning up my diet and exercising regularly. Nothing drastic, nothing "fad-like".. Literally just hard work. I maintained my weight for 5ish months, giving my mind/body a break from such hard work, and I'm now back on track and losing weight again to lean out a bit more. I want to see the muscle definition in the muscles I've worked so hard build.

Admittedly, how I look has changed A LOT. I went from a size 20 jeans to a size 8. My face is a heck of a lot slimmer now, too. But I've worked with a dietitian and my family doctor this whole time, and I'm healthy. I am the fittest I've been in my entire 32 years of life. I climb mountains, do every single sport I ever wanted to try / participate in (easily!), and I seriously love my life. Yes, I like being smaller and like how I look more now, but it's become soooo much more than the scale.

ANYWAYS, I had a friend message me the other day after I posted a photo of myself and he went on and on, saying I "looked like a f*ing skeleton" and he's "worried I might be anorexic" and that I'm "skin and bones". Trust me, at 173lbs with a 39% skeletal muscle mass, I'm the furthest thing from skin and bones. I'm built sturdy and muscularly and built for power in all my sports I do.

How the heck do I even begin to deal with this type of criticism? Or the day-to-day coworker comments about "Oh, careful, you're getting too skinny".. I feel like telling everyone in my life that if they didn't intervene when I was obese and veryyyy unhealthy before I started weight loss, they have no right to say anything about my size now.. But there's got to be a better, less confrontational way.

I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of "thin shaming".. that's for sure!

You're fine, and doing very well. He's just having difficulty with the change. If he's truly your friend, he'll come around.

chunkymomma75 wrote: »

In 2009 I lost 130 lbs. Coworkers felt they had the right to comment on my body just because I lost weight. Things like Don't gain it back! Constantly one told me as I was bent over the copier wow your rolls are almost gone! Or you lost all that weight you need a better bra! One even touched my stomach and told me she hated the brown pants I used to wear because of my belly. Truth is your not part of a freak show and people are so wrong to comment on your weight-loss. It's OK for a close friend to ask in private if you are okay but none of the assuming is right at all and I'd nicely set them straight.

I hope you reported this workplace harassment. Those type of comments are 100% inappropriate at any time, especially in the workplace.

rainee83 · March 2017

I lost ard 45 pounds and people at work commented it must be because I was having issues at home (some even went to the extent of asking whether things are ok between my husband and me). Just because I lost weight and started being able to wear nicer clothes, some commented that I was having an affair. Turns out you really can't shut these gossipmongers' mouths.

Truvanessa · March 2017

I have had this happen to me. I think that it comes from jealousy. A true friend would be happy for your loss and your hard work.

Unknown · March 2017

This content has been removed.

Lillymoo01 · March 2017

I have noticed that those commenting that I have lost too much weight are people that are actually obese. I put it down to the fact that they have no idea of what healthy looks like. For the most part those that are most supportive and encouraging are those that are within a healthy weight range.

bienemajamfp · March 2017

Fat people tell me all the time that I am getting to skinny (BMI 22, yeah right!) and look sick. I usually tell them: And you are fat and look sick!
Funny, skinny people never say that, must be that fat people are jealous!

heiliskrimsli · March 2017

Lillymoo01 wrote: »

I have noticed that those commenting that I have lost too much weight are people that are actually obese. I put it down to the fact that they have no idea of what healthy looks like. For the most part those that are most supportive and encouraging are those that are within a healthy weight range.

Those are the crabs that don't want you leaving the bucket. If you leave (by getting to and maintaining a healthy weight), it's evidence that they're fat because of their choices, not because of some externality they can't control. It makes them defensive and angry and they start attacking.

People who are a healthy weight have no need to worry about their bubble of denial bursting and no reason to be angry at someone who lost weight.

Sara1791 · March 2017

I haven't had that kind of negativity, but I have had to tell someone, "I'm not even at the top of a healthy weight range yet." I think it's harder to argue with health than with aesthetics.

Friends suddenly unsupportive after losing a lot of weight?

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