How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?
lucypstacy
Posts: 178 Member
This may seem like an odd question, but I have an issue with my father when comes to my weight and trying to do something better for myself. My father is older, and I go to clean his house, take him to doctor's appointments, etc. Literally, I'm the only reason he can live on his own. However, he is one of the most negative people in my life - especially when it comes to my weight. If he thinks I'm trying to lose weight, he starts laughing and telling me how I'll only fail. He criticizes everything I eat, and I mean everything. One time, I was snacking on a few baby carrots, and he started telling me that was why I was so fat. Now, he has this thing where he wants us to go out to eat, but then he constantly talks about everything I eat. No matter what I eat, I'm eating way too fast and eating twice as much as him. It's to the point, I won't eat around him, which really messes up any sort of schedule on the days I'm around him. Plus, this isn't a new thing or something that happened when he got older. He's always been like this. He used to buy me laxatives and tell me to take twice the recommended dose so I wouldn't gain weight since, "...no man wants a fat woman."
I can't just walk away from him because he needs me, and he's still my dad. I'm doing my best not to stress eat after I see him, and I think I'm doing better. I was with him yesterday, and I didn't go home and splurge. Of course, because we were out all day, I did eat a sandwich, and he had to make a joke about how much I love to eat.
Honestly, I'm not sure there's much I can do. I'm trying to just tell myself not to listen to him. Too bad I'm having trouble listening to myself on that one.
Anyone in a similar situation? Advice?
I can't just walk away from him because he needs me, and he's still my dad. I'm doing my best not to stress eat after I see him, and I think I'm doing better. I was with him yesterday, and I didn't go home and splurge. Of course, because we were out all day, I did eat a sandwich, and he had to make a joke about how much I love to eat.
Honestly, I'm not sure there's much I can do. I'm trying to just tell myself not to listen to him. Too bad I'm having trouble listening to myself on that one.
Anyone in a similar situation? Advice?
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Replies
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Apple cider vinegar.11
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I don't deal with toxic people at all. I don't have space in my life for people who treat me badly.10
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I dunno, if he's been this way all his life (i.e. this isn't a personality change due to mental disease, which I know does happen to some people) then personally I think you should walk away.
You could give him one more chance, flat out tell him "It is disrespectful when you do this, this, and this. If you do not stop, you are going to have to find someone else to drive you around."
You deserve respect. Instead you are dealing with a jerk who is constantly trying to make you feel horrible about yourself.30 -
He's still my dad, and I'm the only person he has now. I feel bad enough that I dread going around him.
He's literally on the phone now. I just let him talk to me. It makes him feel better. I don't listen to a lot of what he says on the phone.3 -
I would have put him in a home personally. If he must talk about what you eat and why you're so fat I'd probably say something like "is talking about what I eat and my weight really how you want to use the time you have left?" your dad sounds like an emotional abuser and "he's my dad" wouldn't cut it for me as a reason to put up with it.35
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Is there a possibility that you could get a carer to shoulder some of the load / give you a break?
I think it's an amazing thing what you are doing but it can become very draining so getting more time for yourself will help matters.14 -
I'd say Dad is treading on thin ice mistreating the only person who's making it possible for him to stay in his home. It seems like you have a lot of power in the situation and I would use it. Of course, you can't abandon him completely but I would make it clear that you're going to limit your time with him and/or leave if he doesn't stop making hurtful comments like that. And he deserves to be told in advance that that's how you feel and that it needs to stop. And then mean it. So, for example, if you're out to dinner with him and he starts in, get up and leave. See ya, Dad. Make sure you download the Uber app so you can get home. Sheesh. My heart goes out to you.14
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Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.2 -
You can't change him apparently, but you can change you. That's the power you DO have. How about using the word "no" a lot more? Like, no, I'm not taking you to a steakhouse tomorrow, because you're so unpleasant to be with. Anytime you want to change that let me know and we can resume going out to eat.
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lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
That was my first thought when I read your post; narcissistic personality disorder but this is the internet and drugstore psych diagnosis and all... sorry you have to deal with that.
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The problem with getting people to help him is that he thinks he knows more than them. He went to a doctor recently who told him he needed more exercise because he's starting to have trouble walking due to his weight and gout. He said that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. He is going to physical therapy now, but he won't do the exercises at home. I try to get him to go out and do more, although it's difficult. He likes fishing, so I can at least get him to go to the lake.
I'm not sure why I feel this responsible. I guess it's because I'm his only child. He was also the youngest in his family, so they're mostly gone, and he never connected with his nieces or nephews. This all really started last November. He had sepsis so bad that it had affected his mind, and I drove to his house (at that time he lived like 100 miles away) and took him to the hospital. They wanted to stick him in a veteran's nursing home, but I didn't want that. I didn't think his confused state was permanent (it wasn't), and I'd heard horrible things about that nursing home. Since then, he moved closer. I'm supposed to go to his house once a week, but I'm there 3-4. Last night he called after six to tell him his second ex-wife (my former stepmother not my mom) was in the hospital and he was worried about his dog because his ex's brother wants to get rid of her. I drove him up there to get the dog and ended up at walmart at midnight buying dog food. I didn't get home until after 2am. That's really typical for him.
He tells people I'm a bad daughter all the time, so I know I should walk away, but I really can't do that.0 -
You don't have to walk away, but you can limit your exposure. You don't have to run over every time he calls. You don't have to take him out to dinner just because he wants to go. If you really wants to go somewhere, he'll find a way to get there himself. I would do only the bare minimum and tell him exactly why I'm cutting back.7
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In general, I don't allow people like this in my life. That includes a parent who acts like this.
You need to minimize what you do for him. It's not your job to be abused so that he can live on his own. Let him pay for help. Being catered to for free gives him no incentive to be nicer.12 -
I would have put him in a home personally. If he must talk about what you eat and why you're so fat I'd probably say something like "is talking about what I eat and my weight really how you want to use the time you have left?" your dad sounds like an emotional abuser and "he's my dad" wouldn't cut it for me as a reason to put up with it.
I like you. That was my answer too.
Seriously though OP. If you feel the need to be around him you can't expect him to change his behavior. It's just not realistic. You can only change yours. If you usually let it slide, why not say "Dad, stop being a turd. Mind your own business about my weight and food." After that, I'd simply refuse to acknowledge any of his hurtful comments.8 -
This really comes down to: "How do you want to spend your life energy?" Any answer is OK, as long as you are making it. I feel for you.. I have had to and am still working on "Asking for what I want in life". It is not easy and requires constant work and attention. I wish you the best if you choose to take on this challenge.
Blessings...3 -
lucypstacy wrote: »I'm not sure why I feel this responsible
Because you are his child and you can't help but love him and feel a sense of duty even though you recognise his nature? You're a kind human being.
I think you may have to accept that if he doesn't allow help at home he will eventually end up in a nursing home. He'll have a fall, have repeat infections, end up in hospital and at some point medically it won't be safe for him to go back to his own home.
Getting help is in his interests as well as yours.10 -
lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
Dad: blah blah blah
You: mmhmm, all right, I see..
Dad: blah blah blah
You: mmhmm, that's your opinion, hmm ok..
Dad: I want you to take me out for a steak dinner tomorrow night.
You: I already have plans for tomorrow evening. See you *next scheduled date*
I can understand how you might feel obligated to see that he gets to his doctor appointments, has food in the house, and doesn't drown in his own bathtub. That doesn't extend to tolerating verbal abuse or providing steak dinners. I'm sorry22 -
I know he won't change. Only I can change. It's not always easy because this has been a life long struggle. When I tell him to back off, that's when I get the comments about how I'm mean and hateful. Honestly, I do have a shorter temper when I'm with him because I'm already on edge.
I just can't let him derail me.0 -
lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
What if I Want to Continue the Relationship?
FIVE DON'T DO'S
How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist- Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
- Never offer him any intimacy;
- Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
- Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
- Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) ..."
You get the gist of it.
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html2 -
I don't have much for helpful advice, but I'm so, so, sorry you're dealing with this. That would scar so many people. If it were me, I would probably get counselling to help with coping with his behaviour and not allow it to sabotage or distract my mental efforts.5
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It's so hard when it's your parents. We try to tune them out but we are so conditioned to listen to them and care about what they say. If he's a narcissist he enjoys seeing you unhappy and having you react to what he says and does. At some point you probably should try to set limits, though it sounds a lot easier than it is. One suggestion I got was to say to my parents "I was hoping to have a nice visit, but if you're going to be like this then I'm going to have to leave and see you sometime when you're in a better mood." And also "I'm leaving at X time" and then enforce it--there's always another thing they want to do, etc, but sometimes you also have to sleep and get stuff done at your own place.
Whenever I get upset then I want to eat, so it's a very bad cycle.3 -
We don't choose our parents so the "he's my Dad" and "he doesn't have anyone else" excuse doesn't fly here. Establish some boundaries with him. He is quite possibly, a narcissist and you, quite possibly, are co-dependent. Do some reading on both conditions and seek counseling if you haven't already. When he starts in on your eating habits or your weight, just respond with "Dad, you may not realize it, but what you just said to me is negative, critical and just plain mean". "Does it make you happy to criticize me or make me feel bad?, because what you just said hurt my feelings." "Dad, I am the only person in your life who supports you, helps you and makes it possible for you to live on your own..do you really think it's smart to criticize me and make me feel bad every time you see me or talk to me? "Don't you think you might be shooting yourself in the foot by doing that? What if I get so hurt that I just stop coming over or stop answering the phone?" If he persists with this behavior, then apply some consequences each and every time he brings up your weight. Just tell him, calmly and quietly, "Dad, my weight and my eating is none of your business. If you continue to talk about it, I will have to go home" and then DO IT. Either leave immediately or hang up the phone each and everytime he brings it up.
You and I both know that you are not going to let him starve or go without medical care, however, if he can't or won't listen to your requests, then I would start seeking out alternative transportation for him to those medical appointments. Most communities have a Senior Services agency that will send a specially equipped van out to Senior's homes and take them to their doctor's appointments and bring them back for free. You can also sign him up for Meals on Wheels (also free) to deliver one hot meal each day and check on him to make sure he is okay. If he needs in home health care, he may qualify for that through Medicaid or Medicare. Look into what services are available for him and free yourself from his negativity.11 -
From the same page. This implies a romantic relationship, so obviously disregard the points that do not apply to a father-daughter relationship. I found this after I left my narcissist but these strategies totally would have worked with him.The TEN DO'S
How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You
If you INSIST on Staying with Him- Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
- Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.
- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
- Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion".
- If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
- If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).
- If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed.
- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
- Finally, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.
- What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
- Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
- Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
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I have a parent that is very similar in negativity....re:siblings and life in general. They are ok with the weight loss ....but have trouble keeping boundries around how they talk about my siblings. (Their kids ...lol) im a strong personality and told them no more negative comments bacause i wont have a negative relationship with them if it happens again. All is well for the last year....weather its because they simple need me around for survival or they truly care about it...dont care it worked.5
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lucypstacy wrote: »I know he won't change. Only I can change. It's not always easy because this has been a life long struggle. When I tell him to back off, that's when I get the comments about how I'm mean and hateful. Honestly, I do have a shorter temper when I'm with him because I'm already on edge.
I just can't let him derail me.
You're here asking for advice but when people make suggestions you have excuses as to why you can't do any of those things. Bottom line is, if you know you need to change you actually have to do it.
Who cares if he calls you mean and hateful?
People like him always start whipping out the insults when things stop going their way.
Basically he's conditioned you to be a doormat. And there are only two ways to handle this.. separate yourself from the problem or change how you behave around him, stop giving in etc. And with this option, he's going to get meaner before he gets nicer. Bullies will always try to force you back into your familiar role.22 -
I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.
Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.
The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.
Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.
I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.2 -
There's a word I like to use in such situations. . . the word is, "No"
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caroldavison332 wrote: »I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.
Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.
The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.
Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.
I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.
Conscious Communication and "I" Statements are great tools with most people but they don't work with narcissists as "narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly."
I was extremely well-practiced in using Conscious Communication before I moved in with my narcissist and was baffled as to why it failed utterly with him until I came across that page, which was after I left him.3 -
No offense, but he's pretty ballsy to treat you so poorly when he's so dependent upon you. Apparently, he's pretty confident you'll just take his crap indefinitely. And if you're like most co-dependents, you will. This guy is NEVER going to change - this is his character - so if you want change, you're going to have to change yourself.
How do I deal with toxic people? I don't enable their bad behavior. I cut them out. (And yes, I have done this and it was the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. What a relief, and so empowering.) I don't need anybody in my life who tears me down, and I don't owe anybody who treats me badly any favors.
Try standing up for yourself. You might like it.15 -
No offense, but he's pretty ballsy to treat you so poorly when he's so dependent upon you. Apparently, he's pretty confident you'll just take his crap indefinitely. And if you're like most co-dependents, you will. This guy is NEVER going to change - this is his character - so if you want change, you're going to have to change yourself.
How do I deal with toxic people? I don't enable their bad behavior. I cut them out. (And yes, I have done this and it was the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. What a relief, and so empowering.) I don't need anybody in my life who tears me down, and I don't owe anybody who treats me badly any favors.
Try standing up for yourself. You might like it.
How did you get to the point where you were able to do this? Therapy? Work on boundaries? Practice?0
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