How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

lucypstacy
lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
edited November 17 in Health and Weight Loss
This may seem like an odd question, but I have an issue with my father when comes to my weight and trying to do something better for myself. My father is older, and I go to clean his house, take him to doctor's appointments, etc. Literally, I'm the only reason he can live on his own. However, he is one of the most negative people in my life - especially when it comes to my weight. If he thinks I'm trying to lose weight, he starts laughing and telling me how I'll only fail. He criticizes everything I eat, and I mean everything. One time, I was snacking on a few baby carrots, and he started telling me that was why I was so fat. Now, he has this thing where he wants us to go out to eat, but then he constantly talks about everything I eat. No matter what I eat, I'm eating way too fast and eating twice as much as him. It's to the point, I won't eat around him, which really messes up any sort of schedule on the days I'm around him. Plus, this isn't a new thing or something that happened when he got older. He's always been like this. He used to buy me laxatives and tell me to take twice the recommended dose so I wouldn't gain weight since, "...no man wants a fat woman."

I can't just walk away from him because he needs me, and he's still my dad. I'm doing my best not to stress eat after I see him, and I think I'm doing better. I was with him yesterday, and I didn't go home and splurge. Of course, because we were out all day, I did eat a sandwich, and he had to make a joke about how much I love to eat.

Honestly, I'm not sure there's much I can do. I'm trying to just tell myself not to listen to him. Too bad I'm having trouble listening to myself on that one.

Anyone in a similar situation? Advice?
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Replies

  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
    He's still my dad, and I'm the only person he has now. I feel bad enough that I dread going around him.

    He's literally on the phone now. I just let him talk to me. It makes him feel better. I don't listen to a lot of what he says on the phone.
  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
    Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

    I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

    And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
  • inertiastrength
    inertiastrength Posts: 2,343 Member
    lucypstacy wrote: »
    Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

    I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

    And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

    That was my first thought when I read your post; narcissistic personality disorder but this is the internet and drugstore psych diagnosis and all... sorry you have to deal with that.
  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
    The problem with getting people to help him is that he thinks he knows more than them. He went to a doctor recently who told him he needed more exercise because he's starting to have trouble walking due to his weight and gout. He said that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. He is going to physical therapy now, but he won't do the exercises at home. I try to get him to go out and do more, although it's difficult. He likes fishing, so I can at least get him to go to the lake.

    I'm not sure why I feel this responsible. I guess it's because I'm his only child. He was also the youngest in his family, so they're mostly gone, and he never connected with his nieces or nephews. This all really started last November. He had sepsis so bad that it had affected his mind, and I drove to his house (at that time he lived like 100 miles away) and took him to the hospital. They wanted to stick him in a veteran's nursing home, but I didn't want that. I didn't think his confused state was permanent (it wasn't), and I'd heard horrible things about that nursing home. Since then, he moved closer. I'm supposed to go to his house once a week, but I'm there 3-4. Last night he called after six to tell him his second ex-wife (my former stepmother not my mom) was in the hospital and he was worried about his dog because his ex's brother wants to get rid of her. I drove him up there to get the dog and ended up at walmart at midnight buying dog food. I didn't get home until after 2am. That's really typical for him.

    He tells people I'm a bad daughter all the time, so I know I should walk away, but I really can't do that.
  • wildb1
    wildb1 Posts: 35 Member
    This really comes down to: "How do you want to spend your life energy?" Any answer is OK, as long as you are making it. I feel for you.. I have had to and am still working on "Asking for what I want in life". It is not easy and requires constant work and attention. I wish you the best if you choose to take on this challenge.

    Blessings...
  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
    I know he won't change. Only I can change. It's not always easy because this has been a life long struggle. When I tell him to back off, that's when I get the comments about how I'm mean and hateful. Honestly, I do have a shorter temper when I'm with him because I'm already on edge.

    I just can't let him derail me.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    lucypstacy wrote: »
    Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

    I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

    And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

    What if I Want to Continue the Relationship?

    FIVE DON'T DO'S
    How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

    1. Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
    2. Never offer him any intimacy;
    3. Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
    4. Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
    5. Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) ..."

    You get the gist of it.

    http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html
  • nevadavis1
    nevadavis1 Posts: 331 Member
    It's so hard when it's your parents. We try to tune them out but we are so conditioned to listen to them and care about what they say. If he's a narcissist he enjoys seeing you unhappy and having you react to what he says and does. At some point you probably should try to set limits, though it sounds a lot easier than it is. One suggestion I got was to say to my parents "I was hoping to have a nice visit, but if you're going to be like this then I'm going to have to leave and see you sometime when you're in a better mood." And also "I'm leaving at X time" and then enforce it--there's always another thing they want to do, etc, but sometimes you also have to sleep and get stuff done at your own place.

    Whenever I get upset then I want to eat, so it's a very bad cycle.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    edited March 2017
    From the same page. This implies a romantic relationship, so obviously disregard the points that do not apply to a father-daughter relationship. I found this after I left my narcissist but these strategies totally would have worked with him.

    The TEN DO'S
    How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You
    If you INSIST on Staying with Him
    1. Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
    2. Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.
    3. Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
    4. Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
    5. Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion".
    6. If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
    7. If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).
    8. If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed.
    9. If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
    10. Finally, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.
    • What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
    • Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
    • Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
    • caroldavison332
      caroldavison332 Posts: 864 Member
      I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.

      Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.

      The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.

      Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.

      I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.
    • kshama2001
      kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
      edited March 2017
      caroldavison332 wrote: »
      I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.

      Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.

      The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.

      Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.

      I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.

      Conscious Communication and "I" Statements are great tools with most people but they don't work with narcissists as "narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly."

      I was extremely well-practiced in using Conscious Communication before I moved in with my narcissist and was baffled as to why it failed utterly with him until I came across that page, which was after I left him.
    • kshama2001
      kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
      jenilla1 wrote: »
      No offense, but he's pretty ballsy to treat you so poorly when he's so dependent upon you. Apparently, he's pretty confident you'll just take his crap indefinitely. And if you're like most co-dependents, you will. This guy is NEVER going to change - this is his character - so if you want change, you're going to have to change yourself.

      How do I deal with toxic people? I don't enable their bad behavior. I cut them out. (And yes, I have done this and it was the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. What a relief, and so empowering.) I don't need anybody in my life who tears me down, and I don't owe anybody who treats me badly any favors.

      Try standing up for yourself. You might like it. :)

      How did you get to the point where you were able to do this? Therapy? Work on boundaries? Practice?
    This discussion has been closed.

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