Friends suddenly unsupportive after losing a lot of weight?

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Replies

  • Okohme
    Okohme Posts: 152 Member
    People can be real weird about other people changing their lives. You've worked very hard to make some great changes and become healthier and happier and that's what matters. You mentioned that the new you is good for you mentally, and is certainly healthier, try to remember that when people are getting down on you. Also, for what its worth, what he said sounds strange. If he is genuinely concerned its an odd and not particularly effective way to express it. If it is something other than actual concern, jealousy, maybe just feeling like he doesn't know where he fit in in your life now. People can become insecure when people close to them make big changes.
  • lthames0810
    lthames0810 Posts: 722 Member

    I think the truly well meaning may be reacting to the changes they see in our faces when we lose a considerable amount of weight. The cheek bones, jawline, even the eyes. The changes can be even more pronounced on an older person.
  • fubarfornow
    fubarfornow Posts: 40 Member
    People have so many different reasons for doing what they do. Some are genuinely concerned, some are threatened, some are a combination of both, and some are something else completely. I know folks who get a little panicky when they see someone lose a lot of weight rapidly, because it reminds them of what happened to a loved one when they got sick (and lost the weight unintentionally). I know other people who have dealt with people who were truly anorexic, and who dieted themselves to death, or if they didn't go that far, they became so obsessed with their control over food that they thought about nothing else. I guess what I am trying to say is that people's motives aren't always foul, so it may be worth giving them the benefit of the doubt, but that does not mean you should put up with their bad behavior, or let them make you doubt yourself.
  • Adventuretown
    Adventuretown Posts: 120 Member
    Quasita wrote: »

    sometimes people find comfort in not being "the fattest person in the room" so when they see others making progress, ones that they saw in a way like "at least I'm not as big as XYZ," it becomes a threat and an alarm to their shaky self-worth.

    Transitioning from a weight perspective can be rough on everyone involved, and rouse up insecurities that people either didn't know they had or were actively denying.


    YES! This is totally true. Hits the nail on the head, I think, with this friend's comments, and the attitudes of many I've come across (work, mostly) with negative feedback..
  • Adventuretown
    Adventuretown Posts: 120 Member
    lthames0810 wrote: »
    I think the truly well meaning may be reacting to the changes they see in our faces when we lose a considerable amount of weight. The cheek bones, jawline, even the eyes. The changes can be even more pronounced on an older person.

    I'm definitely not "old" (not quite 32!), but if anything, weight loss has really showed in my face--- and revealed so many wrinkles that were once filled with fat. hahaha. Darn it!
  • JaydedMiss
    JaydedMiss Posts: 4,286 Member
    edited March 2017
    we had similar stats i started at 232 5 ft 3 im down to 142 (90 down) in past 11 months almost. people have been concerned the entire time besides the only 3 people who matter, Me, My boyfriend and my doctor. Aslong as we stay happy and healthy fk the rest

    our success just highlights their failures, Note the people critisizing are likely not fellow health nuts

    we cant possibly succeed unless its a terrible eating disorder, right ;) ?
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    If it's someone who hasn't seen you in awhile, the change can be fairly dramatic. Beyond that, much of our society is used to looking at fat and really have about zero clue what a healthy BF% looks like.

    Honestly, in 4.5 years I've basically lost a couple of long time friends...not so much for this reason, but because a lot of my priorities and the way I was living life changed. It happens...people don't like change. The good news is that over the years I have increased the number of people in my life who are more fitness oriented and have more in common with these days.
  • JaydedMiss
    JaydedMiss Posts: 4,286 Member
    Tacklewasher wrote: »
    JaydedMiss wrote: »
    we had similar stats i started at 232 5 ft 3 im down to 142 (90 down) in past 11 months almost. people have been concerned the entire time besides the only 3 people who matter, Me, My boyfriend and my doctor. Aslong as we stay happy and healthy fk the rest

    our success just highlights their failures, Note the people critisizing are likely not fellow health nuts

    we cant possibly succeed unless its a terrible eating disorder, right ;) ?

    C'mon. Tell us more about your aunt :)

    LOL iv actively avoided her past 3 weeks now so i have nothing new to share XD
  • RuNaRoUnDaFiEld
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld Posts: 5,864 Member
    I once had an obese nurse tell me to go eat a pizza.

    Not a friend who was concerned, just the normal practice nurse.

  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,622 Member
    Seconding the themes above that people stop commenting after they get used to the new look, that they're not used to seeing you thinner so it looks all wrong to them, that our culture doesn't give us many models for healthy body weight (mostly just overweight regular people and celebrities who're portrayed as diet/fitness crazy or obsessive), that folks have seen others lose quickly via illness & worry, that loose skin (especially face) can make us look a little scary temporarily until it shrinks back, etc.

    Also, a factor is that relatively few people (percent of population-wise) go through this kind of steady, successful weight loss, so folks aren't used to seeing that process happen, either. At least in my world, it's slightly more common to see big losses for bad reasons, like a disease or high-stress life problems.

    By & large, when I got the "too skinny" line from people while losing, I went with "My doctor is happy with my course, and so am I", and left it at that.

    I didn't get any crazy-inappropriate comments like that one from your male FB "friend", though. If I had, I probably would've ripped him a new one . . . metaphorically only, of course. ;)
  • amyepdx
    amyepdx Posts: 750 Member
    tapwaters wrote: »
    My favorite that I've gotten: when you talk about your weight loss (always only after being asked) you make me feel bad about myself. She then went on to say that my success actively hurts her feelings and that I make her feel fat -- just because I've successfully lost weight.

    OMG that's horrible!
  • thegoat1987
    thegoat1987 Posts: 36 Member
    I (never again!) showed a friend my before and current body photos - which I keep on my phone to keep me motivated. She said the differences between the two were "probably down to lighting - you look the same to me"!
  • hookandy
    hookandy Posts: 278 Member
    Interesting thread, I have not suffered the issues here and have just received the first comment from a co-worker that noticed I had lost weight. (Only 20lb down)

    Wonder if when I lose the next twenty these comments will turn from a good thing and a boost to motivation to a negative comment that is demotivating.....?
  • rainbow198
    rainbow198 Posts: 2,245 Member
    With some people the comments just don't stop...even after years of maintenance. In my case I know some people are shocked that I have kept my 80+ pounds off for so long.

    I keep my health, nutrition and fitness chats to my MFP buddies, so I'm not sure if it's jealously or what, but it's annoying. I just change the subject or ignore, ignore, ignore.
    jenkofb wrote: »
    Be careful of camera angles. Those downward angled shots posted often on FB really CAN take 20+lbs off a person - and I know because I'm a professional photographer. At 5'3" and 170, you are obviously not a skeleton, so I'd just ignore the comment and become a bit more mindful of camera angles, trying to capture the most realistic ones -- which are placing the camera at about shoulder height and straight on. People often don't do that because they see it as unflattering, when really, it's just the most honest.

    I wasn't aware of this. Thanks for posting.
  • susanp57
    susanp57 Posts: 409 Member
    Rawr619 wrote: »
    YvetteK2015 wrote: »
    Also, everyone has their own idea of what healthy looks like, even if it really isn't healthy. I'm 5'5, and used to be 125. At that weight, I was at the upper end of a healthy BMI. But some people told me I looked like a skeleton (I really didn't). Then I got to an unhealthy 180 lbs, and those same people told me I looked really good. Well, at that weight I was in the obese category.

    So really, I just take what other people say with a grain of salt. It's only their opinion they are stating, and they don't know where you are in terms of a healthy weight. Only you know that, so just take it for what it is. Just someone stating an uneducated opinion. It really means nothing.

    At 5'5 a healthy weight according to BMI is 111-149. So 125 is on the low end not high end, 130 lbs is right in the middle. I just wanted to point this out (I'm 5'5 and on the higher end of a healthy BMI).

    That bothered me when I saw it as well. I'm 5'5" and at 125 I'm pretty thin.
  • SusanMFindlay
    SusanMFindlay Posts: 1,804 Member
    hookandy wrote: »
    Interesting thread, I have not suffered the issues here and have just received the first comment from a co-worker that noticed I had lost weight. (Only 20lb down)

    Wonder if when I lose the next twenty these comments will turn from a good thing and a boost to motivation to a negative comment that is demotivating.....?

    So much depends on the type of people you associate with, the rate at which you lose, and a million other factors. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that women are on the receiving end of "stop losing weight" more often than men - just because women tend to be judged on their appearance more than men.

    My husband is down 30 pounds and has received very few comments about it. The only "negative" one was from his doctor - along the lines of "that's a lot of weight loss quite fast; we'll need to keep an eye on you to make sure there's no medical reason for it", so not really negative - just genuine concern. I've lost a bit more than him (a lot more if you count my maximum pregnancy weight as my start weight), and have only had a few comments too though (all positive).

    So, basically, I wouldn't expect negative comments. Particularly since expecting negativity can make you read otherwise neutral (or even positive) comments as negative.
  • lthames0810
    lthames0810 Posts: 722 Member
    I just got my first ever comment at work! Thankfully it was positive but it was also very public, so I was uncomfortable.

    She just asked, blurted out, really, "What are you doing?". I was startled and I didn't even know what she was talking about so I replied, "I'm filing these papers." She said, "No, I mean what are you doing to lose weight. You have lost weight, haven't you?" I felt like everyone must be checking out my butt to see if it looked slimmer. I answered that I just kept to a calorie limit, but she seemed skeptical.
  • newheavensearth
    newheavensearth Posts: 870 Member
    xxbrimstonexx wrote: »
    Adventuretown wrote: »
    ANYWAYS, I had a friend message me the other day after I posted a photo of myself and he went on and on, saying I "looked like a f*ing skeleton" and he's "worried I might be anorexic" and that I'm "skin and bones". Trust me, at 173lbs with a 39% skeletal muscle mass, I'm the furthest thing from skin and bones. I'm built sturdy and muscularly and built for power in all my sports I do.

    I am 5'7" and when I went from 214 to 168 pounds, I thought I looked awesome!... I was told that I still needed to lose about "20-30 pounds"... My point? Critics are everywhere and "well-meaning" people have their own agenda when crap like that comes out of their mouths...

    I was told at a party recently about some miracle oil that will make the rest of my weight melt off. And just that morning I started seeing more of my wannabe 6 pack. Yes I want to lose some more vanity lbs, but he said it like I have a serious problem. I just started fitting size 2s for corn's sake! Must be the loose skin.
  • musick79
    musick79 Posts: 13 Member
    I had people ask me if I was sick after losing 60+lbs. Sometimes they ask out of real concern, other times it is jealousy. I will say that my close friends and family were very supportive. I say ignore the stuff that makes you feel bad and enjoy the compliments!
  • dudebro200
    dudebro200 Posts: 97 Member
    I know quite a few people that lost substantial amounts of weight.

    It's quite shocking if you haven't seen a person for a few months. They always look like they have cancer or AIDS.

    They same thing happened to me when I dropped down to 155lbs at 5'9. I was proud that my abs were showing nicely, but everyone else said I looked sick. I think it's something you have to except.

    People that weightlift and lose weight don't look as bad though.
  • BlueSkyShoal
    BlueSkyShoal Posts: 325 Member
    Part of it also depends on the relationship you have with your friends. Like, their personalities, your personality, and typical interactions. For a lot of people a statement that contains "f'ing" anything would be sooo rude and crass, while others drop the F-bomb with their buddies all the time. Some people are tactful with their friends and expect the same, others are blunt with their friends and expect the same. I'd consider "you look like a f'ing skeleton" to be super rude, but I know friends-of-friends who would laugh it off, fling an insult back, and consider it all good.
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