How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?
Replies
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My husband had a talk with me once. It broke my heart. I know you are worried about her health, but value her as the amazing person she is at any weight. Her desire to take control of her weight has to come from her, not from you. Love her, love her, love her as she is. Instead of writing her about her weight, how about writing a love letter to her and leaving it for her to find when you are off at work.
I wish you both well.25 -
Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
Learn to talk about the hard stuff with compassion and empathy because thats were growth happens.
Also, don't blame her for you not following through on your diet goals.
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While I understand your position I can say from my own experience that the things you are doing with the best intentions could be making things worse. I was in a relationship where for some reason my partner thought that saying things about my weight, eating, lack of movement, etc. would motivate me - total opposite effect. Fast forward to the relationship I was in when I joined MFP and a gym, my partner was working out but didn't really mention it. I just noticed during a hug, that things were firming up At that point for me, I made my own decision, though he liked me bigger and said so, I continued on my own journey. Though I started because I wanted to look good along with him I was doing it for my own health.
Right now I have gained about 12 lbs and I'm not happy about but with my partner mentioning it, it has effected my motivation in the wrong way. I am trying to get it back for myself and I will succeed, but telling what I need to do is not going to work - I'm stubborn! For me the negative talk just pushes me in the wrong direction. My first thought was that maybe just by your example your wife would work on things but maybe she is just not there yet. I feel for you and I wish you both the best, maybe just give her a little space with no mention of healthy, exercise, eating, etc..6 -
Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI). And why is 10lbs mentioned? Did she gain like 100lbs or like 10-20lbs which is way different...6
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Verity1111 wrote: »Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI).
I think it's a little presumptuous to jump to abuse.
And what if it is affecting his attraction to her? He's supposed to lie and say it's isn't?2 -
armchairherpetologist wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI).
I think it's a little presumptuous to jump to abuse.
And what if it is affecting his attraction to her? He's supposed to lie and say it's isn't?
He also said he loses weight and if she doesn't he stops. Is he doing it for his son or so she will? It sounds bad. I didn't jump, I said it makes me worry - big difference. I am not declaring it, I am saying the question came to mine. And if he loves her it really shouldn't be that serious unless she's very large. He said "10lbs looks like 30lbs" so I am assuming she isn't 300+lbs. I don't consider it real love if you are going to quit being attracted to them if they gain a few lbs. What about when they get old and wrinkly? Time to move on? lol.7 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI). And why is 10lbs mentioned? Did she gain like 100lbs or like 10-20lbs which is way different...
That's really jumping to conclusions.2 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI). And why is 10lbs mentioned? Did she gain like 100lbs or like 10-20lbs which is way different...
That's really jumping to conclusions.
Actually it isn't because I didn't make a conclusion, did I? I said "I wonder"
"desire or be curious to know something"
which means it would be nice to know for sure, but I don't, and it makes me worry about negative possibilities. Just clarifying.6 -
I didn't want to throw my wife's weight number out there out of respect for her, to be honest I don't even know the actual # anymore, nor does it even matter.
I take fault for where we're at (the both of us) due to things I've said in frustration. I've repented (which the real meaning is to permanently change).
My weight loss journey has taken me from 365lbs to 220lbs, then back up to 295lbs, back down to 230lbs, then back up to 295lbs again, and now I'm headed back down and in the low 270's. (I also used phentermine the first time I lost a bunch of weight).
Neither of us were "thin" when we met in college, but by the time we got married we had both gone from "overweight" to "fat"...I've never stopped loving her or loved her less, but now she's to the point where her size is affecting daily activities.
I'm to the point where I miss things such as sitting together on the couch, there's just no comfortable way to do it anymore without being uncomfortable. I miss her more than anything, I miss doing things with her, I miss cuddling, and sometimes I let these things I miss allow me to get frustrated or mad, which is why I've had to keep my mouth shut, to prevent repeating mistakes.
After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.
(I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)14 -
TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.15
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I didn't want to throw my wife's weight number out there out of respect for her, to be honest I don't even know the actual # anymore, nor does it even matter.
I take fault for where we're at (the both of us) due to things I've said in frustration. I've repented (which the real meaning is to permanently change).
My weight loss journey has taken me from 365lbs to 220lbs, then back up to 295lbs, back down to 230lbs, then back up to 295lbs again, and now I'm headed back down and in the low 270's. (I also used phentermine the first time I lost a bunch of weight).
Neither of us were "thin" when we met in college, but by the time we got married we had both gone from "overweight" to "fat"...I've never stopped loving her or loved her less, but now she's to the point where her size is affecting daily activities.
I'm to the point where I miss things such as sitting together on the couch, there's just no comfortable way to do it anymore without being uncomfortable. I miss her more than anything, I miss doing things with her, I miss cuddling, and sometimes I let these things I miss allow me to get frustrated or mad, which is why I've had to keep my mouth shut, to prevent repeating mistakes.
After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.
(I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)
Of course I will. but ok if she was over 300lbs I could see it. Is she ABLE to walk? And just not motivated? or is it literally difficult Im talking her knees might give out etc? If she is depressed maybe find something you know she used to love to do that isnt too much physical effort and start with that. That might perk her up enough to also get her interested in more physical things after. When depressed you often need to come out of it somehow first and remember what it's like to be happy and enjoy life.2 -
Sir, you have an account with myfitnesspal for a reason, and it's not marital counseling. Like you I have a wife who is badly out of shape. Mine is on a depression med and stays in bed most of the day. I started on mfp January 25, 2016 and lost way past 80 lb before she ever made a first tentative step in the same direction, and that was to take off her shoes and step on our scale for her body fat % reading. I had just done mine, and was happy to be under 20%. She did hers, and was shocked to see that she was at 50%. Since then she's tried to eat more of the good stuff and less of the not particularly useful stuff, and she's taken to doing some exercising with me. It's been a slow thing, but she's told me recently that she's just about ready to get an mfp account and get serious about it. I'm telling you this because you have to lead from the front. Use mfp to log your food and you show results in your health. Brag about it to her. Let her see the difference 2 weeks of your progress makes, and I quite a bit do believe that she will decide that if you can do it, she can, too.13
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YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
This is a great reply.3 -
So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.4 -
After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.
(I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)
I've been a yo-yo dieter, and then steadily gained...I've never not been overweight. The first time I really started losing weight was after I moved, got a new job, and overall a new life style. I never realized how depressed I was until I was completely removed my old situation. It does sound like a bigger problem (that she may or may not even recognize). I hope she finds friends and support, my heart goes out to you both! When life feels better, it will be so much easier to make healthy progress.0 -
YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
I second this. It sounds like the two of you do not communicate well. In a marriage, that's often a recipe for disaster.5 -
Don't know a way you can approach it that wouldn't be hurtful. Guess you can try to get her more invloved in an active hobby the whole family can enjoy and it might get things going.
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I think you should give your wife one less thing to feel sad about and just adore her. Is that not what you would want?8
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So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.
No one said he shouldn't say something. But there is a difference between letting someone know they gained weight and saying "You're fat now". The f words seems to bother people a lot more than the word overweight or something else similar. He says he doesn't do that now so that's good but still there are kind ways to say things like that while still being honest.1 -
Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband0
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