How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?
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lol wish it worked the other way!0
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Yes give her a cookie if she's good. If bad no cookie.2
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YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
Exactly this.3 -
I would concentrate on everything but her weight . Ask her how she is what she needs what would make her happy. Remember the good times and take her out on dates and do things you guys used to both enjoy. Leave her love notes . Hold her hand .You have to understand that your job is very demanding and so is her job on top of that motherhood is not easy and she seems to be without you for chunks out of time add the grief of miscarriages plus the hormones that come with it (sigh ) I would be depressed too
. If you truly love her you need to nurse her heart and mind first ... then the rest should follow. Good luck to you both. 9 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband
That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.2 -
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Ironandwine69 wrote: »
See this makes a lot more sense. Or spin the sex thing around and be *more* intimate the more she tries. That would work for me lol1 -
If seeing her not losing weight is enough to make you regain 30lbs through depression, how do you expect her to lose her weight, despite her depression, which might be caused by the combination of a stressful job, parenting alone for long periods and recovering from multiple miscarriages?9
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When I was with my ex, I can see in hindsight that I turned to food emotionally and overate myself to 220 because food tastes good, and eating a lot is easy, especially when other areas of your life aren't that great.
You mentioned you weren't proud of some things you said to her with respect to her weight and appearance (and I'm not judging just offering some perspective) perhaps that's "too much" water under the bridge for her. I know I would be incredibly hurt if my s/o spoke to me disrespectfully about something I'm probably very self conscious about, yet feel powerless over.
I would see a marriage counselor before attempting to make any lifestyle recommendations/encouragement. When you FEEL good, you want to do things that continue to make you feel good... I believe that starts in your head and in all aspects of your life.
Good luck OP5 -
YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
I have tried to refrain from commenting here because this hits too close to home. OP, I have been in your wife's shoes, I have heard things from my husband that stung (while accurate), I have also had miscarriages (no living children) and I know exactly what it is like to be on the "other" side of this scenario.
The advice given above.....it saved me and also improved my marriage dramatically. We spoke to a therapist as a couple and I see a therapist individually. It is what helped turn things around for me. My husband is now super supportive in a way that makes me feel special, he encourages me, he is loving, he understands what I need from him and vice versa and he understands where I was when I was at my lowest. Luckily, he stuck it out long enough for me to save myself. Now, we are super happy and we can have the "difficult" conversations with ease.
So, my only advice here is couple's counseling and hopefully your wife will also recognize her need for some individual counseling too.
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She probably has some resentment towards you for how you have approached it in the past. Rightly so. Numerous miscarriages would depress anyone. You basically blame her for anytime you fall off the wagon. I'm sure if she stumbled across this forum and saw her lovely husband blasting her health,ability to be a mother, state of mind and sex hygiene to a bunch of strangers... yeah that's love!7
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Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
Just a thought... you should know what meds she is taking, sensitive issue or not. If there is an emergency and she is in the hospital and unable to tell the doctors what she is taking, you need to be able to inform them before a bad situation gets worse.16 -
Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
When I am feeling fat, and bad about myself, someone else losing weight is just more depressing to me. Make sure she knows you love her. Find her love language and use it a lot. Tell her she is the most beautiful person in the world to you no matter she looks like. She needs to know that no matter what she is going through, you will be there. Show her that you are genuinely concerned about her well being. When she is absolutely sure of your affection, you can add things like how she means the world to you and if anything happened to her it would kill you, and that you are concerned about her health, both mental and physical. At least, those are the things that my awesome SO does for me that help when I am feeling down and gaining weight.2 -
Talk to your wife. She'll be able to tell you a lot more than a bunch of strangers on the internet about how she is feeling, what is going through her mind and what she needs.5
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Verity1111 wrote: »Ironandwine69 wrote: »Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband
That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.
Besides. He's already withdrawn sex for at least 6 months. He could just ask her to shower with him beforehand as foreplay. But instead, he just doesn't touch her. He even said he doesn't cuddle with her any more.Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.3 -
I think you need to be more involved at home. The lifestyle you've described here isn't working for the two of you, though it may work perfectly for people who love having very independent lives. I'll bet that's not how your wife prefers things. If it's what you want, there's a possibility that your compatibility is limited and you'll need to make a compromise if you want to stay married. Join your wife and have a life together; she must love you if she's put up with your absence and scolding, and you clearly care for her even if you have been a little wrongheaded in showing it. Your career is driving you apart and no amount of controlling your weights will change that.7
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Everyday, tell her one thing that you love about her. The gift of a positive self image will pay off, like an investment. Tell her you love her all the time. Give her affection and praise.
You can't do this for her. People have to be responsible for themselves. The only person you can change is you.6 -
It might not be an option for OP to get a new job. And personally, Im assuming he has had this job for a long time, he provides for his family and I dont think that should be an option unless he has a solid backup plan. If my husband was always gone for work, I wouldnt be thrilled about it, infact I might be pretty upset that he was gone all the time. But we dont know OP's full story, maybe he has only ever had this type of job, and he wouldn't be able to find another job making enough money for his family to be financially stable. I think his wife and him should go to counseling for sure, and go from there, if the counseler believes him quitting his job is the best course of action, then they can decide at that point. However I dont believe that him quitting is going to truly impact this situation at all.2
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I think like another poster said adore her. Maybe after time she sees you change and gets tired of being left out she will get moving. Only you will know what's best for your family. Ask her what's the most stressful. If it's that your gone for 2 weeks at a time the 2 weeks your home look for another job. I would live in a small room to have my hubby home. No amount of money would be worth 2 weeks apart.
Oil field work is big $$$ which is basically the only reason most of the men out there take away/camp jobs. If they are like most families in the patch they probably have sizeable debt that "living in a small room" wouldn't touch. If they live in a rig town it'd be worse because everything is grossly inflated in cost.
Many people are able to make rig marriages work just like military families are able to make theirs work. It has far more to do with how they interact when he is home than how much time he is away imo, so telling him to leave a lucrative field with an income he likely can't replicate elsewhere seems shortsighted. The issue here is their communication and potentially her mental health, I don't see halving or losing his income as necessarily addressing either of those things.10
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