Marriage Issue...Thoughts??

kschwab0203
kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
edited November 19 in Chit-Chat
My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?

Thoughts?

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Replies

  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    Poisonedpawn78 wrote: »
    I am no expert in this, but here is my thoughts.

    A good compromise would be to not put any of your money into or towards the mortgaged house while you are not on the papers as an owner. You could always save money up towards the day that your credit is improved and can be put on, then make a lump sum payment towards the mortgage once you are put on. Most mortgages allow at least 1 lump sum payment per year(some times with a limit).

    This way you are protected for not putting your money into something you dont own but still are working towards helping in the event the situation becomes permanent.

    As for the marriage/home thing. I think hes concerned (perhaps rightfully from his point of view) about motivations. It sounds like he might have a bit of a trust issue. Remember that his prior experiences are not the same as yours. So build up that trust by working towards his goal of a permanent house but in the manner above.

    If you guys end up buying a house and he still wont commit, That would be the last straw to me. Additionally time would be a factor. If buying that permanent house is a 5 or 10 year plan down the road and you arent willing to wait that long for this guy, You might need to reevaluate the relationship a lot sooner. Talk it out. Communication is the key.

    Well this is essentially what I told him, but he can't afford the house on his own. So, here we are both expecting 2 different things. No question we love each other. I just don't know how to bridge this gap when be are both very adamant about what we want.
  • Poisonedpawn78
    Poisonedpawn78 Posts: 1,145 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    Well this is essentially what I told him, but he can't afford the house on his own. So, here we are both expecting 2 different things. No question we love each other. I just don't know how to bridge this gap when be are both very adamant about what we want.

    One option might be to set the goal house to be smaller and affordable. Once you are able to join in, you can always upgrade to a bigger home.

    If neither side is willing or able to compromise to some middle ground, maybe the rest of the marriage if it happened wouldnt be good either. Its possible to really like someone and be completely incompatible in goals in life. I would definitely talk it out and find out before you leap into anything again.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    edited June 2017
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Sounds like you may have different reasons for wanting the get married. Why do you want to marry him? Why does he want to marry you (according to him)?

    When my husband and I got married 17 years ago with hardly anything to our names, it was because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we've built a very good life from the ground up. Previous marriages and being older obviously bring more considerations to the table, but I'm having a hard time seeing how buying a house is intrinsically tied to getting married (or not). Doesn't sit well with me.

    Right! This is the core of what really bothers me about this whole thing. I mean, I could stay in the house we are in now for a few years and still get married and be just as happy. I just don't get his entire reason for buying a house before we get married. I mean, it's not as if we are financially unstable now. We both have decent jobs and pay our bills on time. I just don't get it.

    I feel like he shouldn't have even asked me if getting married comes with conditions. To be honest, I told him a couple of years ago I was unsure about getting married again.
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
    I'm really no expert, truly, but it sounds like there's a massive miscommunication that's happened somewhere along the line.

    Why is he so set on getting a house before being married? I mean, it's a nice idea but given you have some nice, solid reasons to not do it it's a bit weird.

    I'd totally go with trust issues - are you in a position where you could both go for some counselling? Sometimes it helps to have a third person who will listen to the both of you and is impartial to the outcome :)

    I don't think you're being unrealistic at all, I'm divorced, had similar issues and definitely wouldn't do it again in your circumstances!
  • itsfuntobedevilinabluedress
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress Posts: 76 Member
    edited June 2017
    You guys need counseling - both credit and relationship.

    If buying a home is important to him and your credit is less than stellar, you need to see how you can improve your credit scores. This should be just as important to him, as it is to you. It makes sense to say to somebody "I am not going to financially contribute you a home you purchase in your own name only, without a marriage or legal agreement that protects my investment". That's not holding him accountable for your ex husband, that is you learning from your previous mistakes. For all you know, he could pass prior to your marriage and you'd be in the same situation.

    But honestly, you know if it's possible you misunderstood him or not. If you don't think you misunderstood and he's just changed the rules, I think you need to consider if the relationship is healthy.
  • itsfuntobedevilinabluedress
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress Posts: 76 Member
    ANNND.... Just so I am reading this right ... your credit is in the toilet, but you have income and he has good enough credit but needs your money to afford a house?

    Have you guys even tried to get prequalified for a loan? Because they won't even consider your income if you're not on the loan.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress wrote: »
    ANNND.... Just so I am reading this right ... your credit is in the toilet, but you have income and he has good enough credit but needs your money to afford a house?

    Have you guys even tried to get pre-qualified for a loan? Because they won't even consider your income if you're not on the loan.

    We have gone though all of the step for pre-qualification. My credit is as you say "in the toilet" where it will remain for several years, at least, due to some very poor choices my ex-husband made that I was unaware of. My fiance's credit is impeccable. He has been approved, but logistically will still rely somewhat on my income to pay bills and for a down payment.
  • MrStabbems
    MrStabbems Posts: 3,110 Member
    KelGen02 wrote: »
    Sounds like he is dragging his feet to me, a simple discussion about your future shouldn't be tied to buying a house. Yes, it is nice to lay it out on the table of the wants and visions but simply saying he doesn't want to discuss it until you have a house is a HUGE RED FLAG TO ME... and for the records, I am in the financial industry and while you may not be able to go on the mortgage obligation because of your credit issues, you most certainly can be listed as an owner on the title/deed of the home. You don't sign the mortgage papers, but you sign the deed, which makes you the recorded owner of the property and have full rights to the property. If I was you, I would RUN... sounds like you and your kids have already been through enough to continue with this little game.

    Some relationships are worth working for. This is overly dramatic and downright bad advice.

    OP Lady, communicate with your fiance. Let him know your concerns and hear his, if you cant work past it then work together to find a compromise. Its what adults do.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    peppermintpudgy wrote: »
    Follow your instincts. Sounds like it might not be a good idea to commit further to this charmer.

    He's a great man. He's accepted my children as his own. He's been there for us through thick and thin for the last 4 years. I mean it just seems so ridiculous to me that we'd break up because we can't decide on the timing of marriage.
  • itsfuntobedevilinabluedress
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress Posts: 76 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress wrote: »
    ANNND.... Just so I am reading this right ... your credit is in the toilet, but you have income and he has good enough credit but needs your money to afford a house?

    Have you guys even tried to get pre-qualified for a loan? Because they won't even consider your income if you're not on the loan.

    We have gone though all of the step for pre-qualification. My credit is as you say "in the toilet" where it will remain for several years, at least, due to some very poor choices my ex-husband made that I was unaware of. My fiance's credit is impeccable. He has been approved, but logistically will still rely somewhat on my income to pay bills and for a down payment.



    This for me would be a hard no and I've never been financially taken advantage of. I would explain to him this makes you very vulnerable and while you trust him and don't blame him for what you ex did, you are not in a position to risk your financial solvency in the event the unthinkable happens - whether than is your break up, his untimely demise etc. If he NEEDS your income to fulfill his goals, it makes sense that, he would want your investment protected. If he is arguing this point, you need to run.
  • itsfuntobedevilinabluedress
    itsfuntobedevilinabluedress Posts: 76 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    peppermintpudgy wrote: »
    Follow your instincts. Sounds like it might not be a good idea to commit further to this charmer.

    He's a great man. He's accepted my children as his own. He's been there for us through thick and thin for the last 4 years. I mean it just seems so ridiculous to me that we'd break up because we can't decide on the timing of marriage.

    You'd be breaking up because he expects you to pay for something he cannot provide for him without legal guarantee your investment would be protected.
  • beagletracks
    beagletracks Posts: 6,034 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    peppermintpudgy wrote: »
    Follow your instincts. Sounds like it might not be a good idea to commit further to this charmer.

    He's a great man. He's accepted my children as his own. He's been there for us through thick and thin for the last 4 years. I mean it just seems so ridiculous to me that we'd break up because we can't decide on the timing of marriage.

    You live together and are in a committed relationship. He doesn't want to commit further (marriage) until you commit further (buying a house); you don't want to commit further (buying a house) until he commits further (marriage). So, maybe you should slow down a little bit. It's been working great for four years, right? I didn't suggest breaking up. Maybe both plans should be put on the back burner.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    Mm, sounds like he's dragging his feet on this marriage thing. You don't need to buy a house in order to get married. I wouldn't marry anyone who had 'conditions' for our marriage.

    Also, wouldn't put my money towards a house that I had no rights to. It would be a firm no, I would make it clear that's not happening, and that would be the end of that.

    If he wants to marry you he'll marry you regardless of whether you buy a home together or not prior to being married. And it's not like you couldn't marry and buy a house soon afterwards. This all sounds ridiculous to me and I wouldn't budge if I were you.
  • kclewis416
    kclewis416 Posts: 79 Member
    don't get married - its a waste of money - and money is what you need to buy a house!
  • MJ2victory
    MJ2victory Posts: 97 Member
    everher wrote: »
    Mm, sounds like he's dragging his feet on this marriage thing. You don't need to buy a house in order to get married. I wouldn't marry anyone who had 'conditions' for our marriage.

    Also, wouldn't put my money towards a house that I had no rights to. It would be a firm no, I would make it clear that's not happening, and that would be the end of that.

    If he wants to marry you he'll marry you regardless of whether you buy a home together or not prior to being married. And it's not like you couldn't marry and buy a house soon afterwards. This all sounds ridiculous to me and I wouldn't budge if I were you.

    Totally agree. It's kinda creepy what he's doing... like it really makes it sound like he's trying to trick you into paying for half of a house so he can leave you tbh. Sorry to be a negative nelly but this all sounds shifty a
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    He's seemingly not ready to get married right now and you're not ready to buy a house right now. So...don't. But do have a heart to heart and tell him that this is bothering you enough that you posted anonymously on MFP to get advice - if I were him, that would make me really sad. And realize I'd hurt you deeply. Someone who really loves you would feel pretty lousy about that...and might be more ready to listen.

    Then, agree to do some work on your relationship and communicating for the next six months - about everything besides the house and a wedding date. You can be together for four years and still be incompatible, no matter how great you both are or how good he is to your kids. You need to figure out if you two are still together because you want to be.

    My point is that if everything in the relationship is boiling down to these two things, they may have become more important than love. And you need to get back to the love, if it's still there.

    I was married once for a short period of time, long ago, before I met my husband. The residual stuff from that short, disastrous mistake lasted. Financial, emotional...he dealt with it and loved me through it. We have talked through everything and always, always support each other and agree we are in this together. We still don't have our permanent home yet...and we've been together 13 years/married 6 and were long distance half of that time due to our jobs. We're together, regardless of how nice the roof over our heads is or isn't. Priorities!
  • finny11122
    finny11122 Posts: 8,436 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

    We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

    I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

    Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

    He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

    Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?

    Thoughts?

    Why question each other ? The fact you are reaching out and looking for validation is clues in itself . If you were 100% in love and trusted each other this topic would not even exist in the first place . Getting married is only a label anyway. Example= I fit in , i'm on the winning married team now . I'm accepted by society now type of mindset .
    Ye obviously have underlying issues .
    Be the woman he fell in love with and also he has to be be the man you fell in love with .
    If ye drift apart and do not communicate ye will fail .
    If ye understand each other , communicate with each other , be there for each other ye will stand the test of time .
  • laurenebargar
    laurenebargar Posts: 3,081 Member
    Regarding the house, I woudlnt want to buy a house until we were married either based off your past marriage, and if that means waiting until your credit is better, than maybe do that. However it does seem like he is dragging his feet. Whats his reasoning behind needing a house first? how far off are you realistically from buying a house? Could this happen in a year, two years, ten years? I married my husband one month after I turned 21, we've been married two years now, but our goals are to get a house together, and build our life up together. We want a house too, but if we waited for that, we would still be waiting today, and material things, even a house don't make the marriage.
  • 2011rocket3touring
    2011rocket3touring Posts: 1,346 Member
    J_Surita3 wrote: »
    If neither one of you is in any rush to get married, work on building your credit and finances. You can both buy the house together when you can afford to do so and then get married.
    Bingo.
    Make your credit your b*tch. Guard it jealously and you will be rewarded handsomely. I went from bankruptcy/foreclosure to mid 700s. Not gonna lie, I love having a nice credit score.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    I've got to agree with many of the posters here, marriage is about wanting to spend the rest of your life together. It should have little to do with buying a house. Yes in marriages couples should be compatible which means one of you can't be a huge spender and the other a huge saver (unless you are millionaires and even then). Before you marry, I'd say the two of you need to communicate and compromise together or getting married is just going to be a thing you'll do on the way to divorce number 2. I'm assuming in your heart you already know this or else this conversation would not be ongoing. I never needed to ask anyone if I should marry my wife, I just knew.
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