Is this rude?
RedSierra
Posts: 253 Member
Just blowing off steam here.
I was walking my dog yesterday and met a neighbor walking her dog, too. I say hello to this woman and her husband from time to time, but don't socialize with them.
We chatted for a minute and then she asked me, "You've lost a lot of weight. I hope you didn't lose it for health reasons."
She was asking if I lost weight because I was ill (a serious disease, etc.)
I lost 40 pounds using MFP last year and have maintained for about 10 months. I'm 5'4" and weigh 139 pounds, which is what I want to weigh. I told her I lost the weight because I was obese and didn't want all the problems that go with it.
Her comment made me feel really bad. What is with people anyway? I would never ask somebody that.
I was walking my dog yesterday and met a neighbor walking her dog, too. I say hello to this woman and her husband from time to time, but don't socialize with them.
We chatted for a minute and then she asked me, "You've lost a lot of weight. I hope you didn't lose it for health reasons."
She was asking if I lost weight because I was ill (a serious disease, etc.)
I lost 40 pounds using MFP last year and have maintained for about 10 months. I'm 5'4" and weigh 139 pounds, which is what I want to weigh. I told her I lost the weight because I was obese and didn't want all the problems that go with it.
Her comment made me feel really bad. What is with people anyway? I would never ask somebody that.
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Replies
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Don't take it personally. You never know what people have experienced previously. Maybe she complimented someone in the past on their weight loss only to be told the reason was due to serious illness. It happens. Happened to a friend of mine.
Just keep focusing on your health and don't read too much into what others have to say about it.8 -
i wouldn't read too much into it, i think that she meant to give you a compliment, then qualified it because it occurred to her that it might not have been an intentional loss. she tried to cover her bases. i generally don't comment on people's weights one way or another but i've had neighbors mention it to me. they see me run in the mornings so i guess it's fair game to assume that i'm working on my fitness, they're correct in my case. her intentions, and my neighbors too i think, are generally good. weight is an awkward thing to talk about.5
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I think it was her nosy way of wanting to know if you were sick.3
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Thanks, guys. I just need to blow it off. STLBADGIRL, I think you probably nailed it.0
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Here is the thing, years ago I lost a lot of weight because I was sick. People were constantly telling me how great I looked, and even how healthy I looked, even as I'm sitting there sick. It did not feel good. It did not make me happy. In fact, it made me pretty angry, but unless I wanted to discuss my health in detail, I couldn't say anything, so I just lived with it. So while I think it's probably better just not to comment on someone's weight at all, this may have been her way of trying to say, I hope you lost weight because you wanted to, not because your sick. Or in other words, this was her way of acknowledging that not all weight loss is purposeful, but that she hopes you are well.
ETA: I think what your neighbor said was less rude than just commenting on someone's weight.6 -
I had two friends in two days who I complemented for losing weight. The following week one told me she was just diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, and the other was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was dead in a month. Neither knew they were sick when I complemented them. So, count me as guilty of congratulating someone for weight loss and then saying casually "intentional right?". Although after reading your post I think I'll stop saying that.4
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It sounds like because you have chatted, she felt comfortable making sure you were ok and not sick. Take it as a compliment that she cares at all.5
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Cat3141, that must have been a rough experience. I understand what you mean about not wanting to share all the details.
I had a great time losing weight last year and getting more physically fit and it made me feel bad that somebody would look at it as something dire. I probably need to lighten up.
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I'm awkward, I have put my foot in my mouth so many times.
I'm sure she was just awkwardly making sure you were ok. Drastic changes can indicate medical issues, maybe she had someone close to her have that happen.. and she's extra sensitive to it.
I think it's cool she cared enough to notice, to care... even if she didn't phrase it right. (yikes!)
Though, good for you!! It's a lot of hard work and dedication!2 -
Sounds well-intentioned. I'd say Thanks so much for your concern but I'm fine
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A few people thought I was "dying," too. Some people can't handle change so they tend to interpret it as a bad thing sometimes. I wouldn't take it personally. She probably means well. Her opinions, thoughts and feelings are her problem, not yours.
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I don't think she meant to be rude. I'm guilty of congratulating someone inappropriately - a friend I had not seen in a couple of years - her response was "Well, I find I don't bother cooking as much since my husband died." Sometimes awkwardness happens - unless someone was intentionally trying to be hurtful, try to think the best of them.0
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Don't take it personally. You never know what people have experienced previously. Maybe she complimented someone in the past on their weight loss only to be told the reason was due to serious illness. It happens. Happened to a friend of mine.
Just keep focusing on your health and don't read too much into what others have to say about it.
I was taking a shuttle to Mayo Clinic last week. The shuttle passengers are mostly patients, so we tend to be pretty open. A woman told me she wished she was as skinny as me. I told her i got sick, and she apologized and said sge didn't want to lose weight that way lol. It was a well intentioned comment, and i was not offended. i am guessing that your neighbor had a similar experience.
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I agree with majority - she seemed to be trying to be kind, just trying not to assume.
I mean not only does it show she might be concerned, but also imagine you were perfectly happy then got sick...only to have everyone compliment you! Wouldn't be nice at all!1 -
I'll just keep saying this...people have no filter. I don't think it's ever appropriate to comment on someone's weight. This is why. Nunyabidness. It goes just as badly when someone asks a lady if she's pregnant. Just don't.
If it's a good friend, they are already up-to-date on your diet. If it's close family, same thing. Anyone else is over-stepping polite conversation in my opinion.1 -
My husband often remarks that he's amused/bemused by the fact that the most compliments he got on his appearance was when he lost a lot of weight due to an undiagnosed illness. She may have had an experience with that and wanted to compliment you but not put her foot in it. It was clumsily done, and I agree that the safest way is to not comment at all unless the other person brings it up (kind of like not commenting on a pregnancy unless you see the baby coming out). But I wouldn't be offended.0
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I took her comment as being 'sweet', she was hoping you are in good health.
Her views may be biased by her experience, if she's known several people who lost weight because of specific health issues.0 -
Some people feel hurt if their weight loss is NOT noticed, while others get upset anytime weight is mentioned, even if it's a compliment. So unfortunately, there is no single "correct" way to approach a situation in which someone has lost a noticeable amount of weight. I tell myself- when in doubt, take it as a compliment. If it was meant to be a rude/mean comment, the person probably wouldn't be saying it to my face.
Personally I don't comment unless it's someone I know, like a friend, and usually in those cases I know whether or not the person would want a compliment. If I'm not sure I might just say something like "looking good, girl!" since that could refer to anything- weight, an outfit, a good hair or makeup day, etc.1 -
I have gotten the opposite. I am on chemo and just gained weight with emotional eating and steroids. People have said, "I thought you were supposed to LOSE weight with cancer." And then laugh. As humans, we are awkward and weird. People do mean well usually but just mess the whole thing up. Keep up the good, healthy work. The lady probably went inside and banged her head against a wall for putting her foot in her mouth.2
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I think it probably was not rude.
So many of us need to lose weight, or do lose weight, these days that she probably did not think it was a sensitive subject.0 -
I have gotten the opposite. I am on chemo and just gained weight with emotional eating and steroids. People have said, "I thought you were supposed to LOSE weight with cancer." And then laugh. As humans, we are awkward and weird. People do mean well usually but just mess the whole thing up. Keep up the good, healthy work. The lady probably went inside and banged her head against a wall for putting her foot in her mouth.
Dharma36, I wish you the best with your treatment. Your post helps me keep things in perspective. I'm trying to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. Logging on here really helps and so does sticking with exercise every single day, even if it's just to take a walk.
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I think she just poorly-worded her concern that you were losing because you were sick. I wouldn't worry too much about it.2
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Yeah I would not take it personally but I understand your being a little offended or bothered by it, too.
ETA - sorry I was basically saying what everyone else said above.0 -
gah! you cant say anything to anyone.
ETA: this gets 5 good griefs from me.2 -
I could understand that being something odd for someone to say to you. But also maybe she didn't want to say "hey great weightloss" only to have you retort "yea, it's because I'm sick" Maybe she was just trying to play it safe? Idk Who knows what goes through other people's heads? Don't worry too much about it. Congratulations on your weight loss BTW! 1
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It actually sounds like she was really trying to compliment you on what is probably a dramatic weight loss *to her(?)* but didn't want to risk it being because you're battling Cancer or something. She probably just isn't good with words. It doesn't sound like it was meant to be a slight.
Can't people just say "You look fantastic, btw!" to be safe? Then whether you lost weight from effort OR Cancer, it would still be nice to hear!4 -
I find nothing wrong with what she said. She was remarking about a change in your appearance, and then made a follow-up remark about how she hopes you are in good health. Some people are more direct in their lines of communication, so just take things at face value and don't read too far into them.
Something I've learned in life: If you are on the lookout to find offenses, you will find them where none are intended. Are there nasty catty women/people who might make comments just to make you feel bad? Yes. But in my experience they are fewer and further between than people imagine them to be.5 -
I wouldn't be too bothered by it if I was you.0
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When I let a nosy neighbour know I wasn't dying I put on a big smile and reassured her that "Its all good." I did not volunteer any details.
It's kind of like the sex talk to toddlers. Only answer what they need to know. They don't want or need the blow by blow.1 -
I feel it was very nice of her to compliment you & be concerned about your health. She's probablyb known someone who lost a lot of weight due to illness. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings.1
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