Body shame

leasy1
leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
edited November 20 in Chit-Chat
I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
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Replies

  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    mbonacci12 wrote: »
    I would be determined to lose weight and be healthy for myself first. I would find it difficult to be with someone who only "loved" me when I looked a certain way. That's not love.

    I am finding it difficult expecially when I see my partner stare at women who are younger, prettier and slimmer than me. I agree that's not love. I would rather be loved for me. I am losing weight for me, i am becoming healthier for me. It just sucks.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?

    is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    Ben_there_done_that wrote: »
    I wouldn't be too worried about him looking at other women. I'm sure you notice other dudes. "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't sneak a peak at the dessert menu." I think you're on the right track doing it for you. Better to work on making yourself whole instead of a half.

    It's all the time though, I get concerned he might get whiplash!!
  • Run4fitness12
    Run4fitness12 Posts: 34 Member
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
    He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..

    Is Scarlett Johansson a UK size 12?? I wouldn't have thought so seeing as I'm a UK size 12 and I wish I looked like her! :D

    I agree you should lose weight for you and not for someone else but it's tough if your partner doesn't find you physically attractive. I'm also not sure how someone can "condition" themselves to find you attractive. How does that work?

    We all hope the person we are with loves us for us, but I think the element of physical attraction is very important.

  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?

    is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?

    I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    Run4fitness12 wrote: »
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
    He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..

    Is Scarlett Johansson a UK size 12?? I wouldn't have thought so seeing as I'm a UK size 12 and I wish I looked like her! :D

    I agree you should lose weight for you and not for someone else but it's tough if your partner doesn't find you physically attractive. I'm also not sure how someone can "condition" themselves to find you attractive. How does that work?

    We all hope the person we are with loves us for us, but I think the element of physical attraction is very important.

    I agree, I think physical attraction is important too. It just makes me feel down
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?

    is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?

    I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.

    so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....

    I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.
  • Run4fitness12
    Run4fitness12 Posts: 34 Member
    edited July 2017
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »

    It's just like quitting smoking.. you *kitten* with your mind and teach it new things.. NLP training... you can use basic phsycology to aqqiure new tastes.

    Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...
    leasy1 wrote: »
    I agree, I think physical attraction is important too. It just makes me feel down

    I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    leasy1 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?

    is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?

    I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.

    so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....

    I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.

    i've been with my husband 11 years, married 5, i never get 'you look nice' without asking... some men just aren't like that... has he ever been one for compliments, or is it recently that its changed?

    as for a woman on TV... you can look at the menu as long as you're eating at home IMO.... there is always someone out there thinner, prettier, younger, but if he's coming home to you, what does it matter?
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    Run4fitness12 wrote: »
    Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...



    I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?
    Run4fitness12 wrote: »
    Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...



    I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?

    I just feel when someone says I love you for you it's a cop out. He's always looked at other women, it's just in him. I think I just want to feel special and wanted sometimes. He doesn't have to say he doesn't find me attractive his actions says it when he isn't interested in me.
  • Run4fitness12
    Run4fitness12 Posts: 34 Member
    leasy1 wrote: »
    I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.

    Ah I see. I agree with TavistockToad, some men just don't say things like that without prompting. You could also try discussing it with him and tell him you don't feel attractive and it would be nice if he could compliment you every once in a while. I've said that to my boyfriend in the past and he definitely makes more of an effort now.

    Also, sometimes people don't realise what they're doing/not doing. For example, my boyfriend and I took a picture together the other day and I said "I don't like that, I have a double chin, let's take another one" :/ and he said "how will taking another picture make any difference", which I took to mean he thinks I always have a double chin (which I don't, it was just the angle) :lol:
  • ManBehindTheMask
    ManBehindTheMask Posts: 615 Member
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
    Ha! Mine thinks I'm to muscular but he loves me. He just doesn't like all the muscles. He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..

    To bad for him that he got me... I'm a UK size 6 with muscles.

    What we do about it? Well he's conditioning himself to find my body attractive again. He says it's working but we will see. :D If not then he's just gonna have to suck it up lol

    Is your partner crazy and/or blind? :D
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    You are all right. And anyway I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel good about myself, I should feel good because I feel good not just because I have been complemented. I have to admit he always says the wrong things, he doesn't think. I just wanted to know if it's all about being attractive to your partner or if it is all about the personality.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »
    It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.

    :huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »
    It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.

    I don't want to be someone that has to be gotten used to. I do believe you when you say men assess their surroundings, I cook, clean, look after our son and I believe that is why he wants me around, a mother figure, I don't want to be a mother figure, he calls me mummy, weird!!! No one sees their "mummy" in "that" way. I know before I came into his life he was a swine, and now he is a respectable person of the community, I can let him out without being worried.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    You are all right. And anyway I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel good about myself, I should feel good because I feel good not just because I have been complemented. I have to admit he always says the wrong things, he doesn't think. I just wanted to know if it's all about being attractive to your partner or if it is all about the personality.

    Personality. It's all about personality.
    You gotta base your relationship on friendship and love.

    Ans he might not find athletic women attractive but I find my body amazing. It's strong, flexible and I can do amazing things with it and that gives me self confidence.

    I know what I look like and I'm proud of my body even though it's not his ideal female body . Besides, he and I both agree that confidence is the sexiest thing about a person... and after I gained confidence we've never had a better love life ;) or a better relationship

    I always hated my muscles, when I was younger I'm was bullied for them, my legs still are so muscular, I have had lots of compliments about them. I love that you are so confident, I wish I had an ounce of confidence. It's me not him.
  • Run4fitness12
    Run4fitness12 Posts: 34 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »
    It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.

    :huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??

    Exactly what I thought when I read that.. What does that even mean? "if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal" ?! What? Why?
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
    But I just wanna add.. your profile photo is amazing. If that's you then kudos cause you look great and it doesn't look like you have any weight to lose.

    I think you're beautiful and I hope you think so as well. Confidence is key. Don't let his opinion matter to you.. cause it's you who's gonna live in that body of yours and you deserve to love it.

    Again.. you look beautiful

    Yes that's me and thank you. I have about 28lb to lose. I need that confidence and I have to do positive things for me to achieve it. Thank you.
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  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    edited July 2017
    Poor guy.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    abetterme9366 wrote: »
    Not being complimented by your partner isn't quite the same as body shamed. :trollface:

    I didn't say I was being body shamed, I feel body shame.
  • BrendanMcGroarty
    BrendanMcGroarty Posts: 945 Member
    Run4fitness12 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »
    It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.

    :huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??

    I just mean humans have consciousness in a more profound way than other animals. We are not prisoners of our instincts. We can choose to not stare at it other people and we can choose to be more aware of those close to us.
  • grayblackmfp
    grayblackmfp Posts: 140 Member
    How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
    I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
    JeromeBarry1 wrote: »
    Poor guy.

    Yes poor guy. He's got such a bad life, meals made for him, giving him support in everything he does, keep his home clean, moved from all my family and friends to be with him and because maybe I feel a bit insecure and sometimes in life everyone needs reassurance he's a poor guy.
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