Treated differently after weightloss
Replies
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Pablosammy wrote: »I wonder how much of it is the way you behave after you've lost weight, rather than the weight loss itself? Confidence breeds confidence, and happiness is contagious. I can imagine people change their behaviours towards others at the very extremes of the weight spectrum, but the rest is probably down to people being happier and more confident in themselves.
Everyone judges everyone physically within a fraction of a second the first time seeing them. Those subconscious notions have a big effect on social interactions. It is why someone in a suit will almost always command more immediate rapport than someone in dirty poor fitting clothing during an initial interaction with a stranger.20 -
So far, I've lost a total of 147 lbs. Before, at nearly 300 lbs, people were nice... sort of. Men definitely didn't look in my direction, at all. And girls were fairly nice to me. I was just sort of... there. It's the total opposite now– Night & day, haha. Men are... very interested, haha. And women. Holy *kitten*. I never realized the kind of animosity from total strangers I would receive once I dropped over 100 lbs.
Girls literally loose their *kitten* over me, no lie.
I, honestly, just want to get along with everyone. But in the last couple months, once I really started to lose weight, women glare at me, openly. It's kind of amazing, really. & incredibly disconcerting. It often gives me severe social anxiety (which I already had, being an introvert, haha). Now, I have to pump myself up in order to leave the house & prepare myself, mentally, for the nasty looks (and often words) that women will inevitably throw my way. It's gotten so bad, in some ways, that I honestly want so badly to conduct a study as to WHY it is that women are so awful to each other, especially women who perceive other women to be "threats", simply because they're physically attractive.
Maybe it's because I'm bisexual, but I honestly don't feel threatened by other women. I admire them. I want to be a light in the world, so I smile at people, am kind to them. Strong women don't bring each other down. That's a sign of weakness, I've realized. If another individual feels the need to tear another human being down, in order to feel better about themselves, that is because they're weak. Strong people don't need to feed off of other people's pain in order to feel good.
But, yeah. I'm TRULY so happy to be on this journey. I feel like I'm LIVING my life now, rather than just existing. But the struggle is SO. REAL. when it comes to the sheer toxic animosity I receive on a daily basis from other women. I honestly thought it was a myth, to some degree. But, no. It's definitely, absolutely, very, very real, haha. I live it every day.41 -
I think a lot depends on the context of the contact. When I was closer to 400 lbs and very obviously super morbidly obese (and even on the way down) I HATED flying---the dirty looks, the huffing, the general attitude I felt from those around me, but in other situations my massive size didn't hurt me. I no longer try cases but back when I was a trial attorney I noticed a difference in juries--the fatter I was, the more jolly and lovable I was. Outside of being able to make a self-deprecating fat joke to a jury, though, I was generally treated poorly. I now weigh in the 150's and can't help but notice how much friendlier everyone is. I will say in fairness though that it may have to do with the fact that I walk with a spring in my step and my head held high versus trying to become as small as possible. Your view of yourself often shapes those around you. I'm still adjusting to the changes I have made. Walking into a Victoria Secret because I no longer fit into the plus sizes I expected to be treated like crap, but was pleasantly surprised. They wouldn't have had any idea that I had never shopped for myself there before if I hadn't sucked it up and asked questions. The former fat lady alarm wasn't working that day apparently.
Outside of superficial interactions things are different too. I stopped being the "safe friend of the opposite sex" for my buddies' wives or girlfriends until I got married. Then there's the fact that my husband and I were just friends 17 years ago when I was a good 200 lbs over where I am today. We didn't start dating until 14 years later when I was on my way to becoming healthy. It will occasionally pop into my mind and bother me, but then I realize that 17 years ago neither of us was in the mature place we are now so I have to let it go.
The fact remains that I am happier now, and it shows.30 -
Personally, I haven't been treated differently. Only thing I could note is I am flirted with more, but I don't know if that falls into the category of being 'treated differently'.
Can't say I've ever had a woman give me a dirty look. I would say I'm reasonably attractive and I've had women compliment me on my looks or my outfit, but never had a woman give me the evil eye.4 -
I didn't really notice a difference except the guys I dated got hotter
I was never more than 40lbs overweight, don't know if that makes a difference. 7 -
I lost 75 lbs. in 2006.
family/friends: When I was fat, they said (often unsolicited), "OH you are not fat!/Have you lost weight?" Now they say, "You look really great!"
men/dating: I noticed bigger differences with different hair styles. Men who knew the fatter me gave me a lot of praise, but the flirting didn't change. Inadvertently, the thinner me did end up in a long-term relationship with a guy who has a lot of expectations about how women should look. The men the fatter me ended up in relationships with men who were more open-minded.
me: I didn't gain confidence, and was sad about that. But the thinner me feels more energetic, more comfortable in clothes, and has a better time shopping. The thinner me misses "breaking stereotypes" but the thinner me also has a healthier relationship with body image and food.
work: This was the worst. Most of my life I've done male-dominated work that involves lifting, carrying, use of manual and powered tools, and driving. The heavier me "fit in", and felt like "one of the team". The thinner me struggled with men arguing that I wasn't strong enough, smart enough, or however able to do whatever it is I've been doing for 15 years. They also need to open doors for me more, which is awkward when you are moving equipment or something.24 -
I don't really get treated any better...I was never treated poorly. I catch ladies checking me out more and some are more flirtatious...5
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Maybe it's because I'm bisexual, but I honestly don't feel threatened by other women. I admire them. I want to be a light in the world, so I smile at people, am kind to them. Strong women don't bring each other down. That's a sign of weakness, I've realized. If another individual feels the need to tear another human being down, in order to feel better about themselves, that is because they're weak. Strong people don't need to feed off of other people's pain in order to feel good.
But, yeah. I'm TRULY so happy to be on this journey. I feel like I'm LIVING my life now, rather than just existing. But the struggle is SO. REAL. when it comes to the sheer toxic animosity I receive on a daily basis from other women. I honestly thought it was a myth, to some degree. But, no. It's definitely, absolutely, very, very real, haha. I live it every day.
You keep doing what you're doing; you're doing wonderfully and I think your grasp of the situation is exactly right. Keep talking about it, too! It's the only way we can work against this deeply-ingrained women-hating-women nonsense. Women need to support other women, or at least not serve as yet another hindrance. It's tough enough without us tearing each other to shreds for no appreciable reason.
I was treated horrendously by a co-worker for years. She was abusive about my weight, my spouse, my work, my income level, my background... really whatever she could. Weight was her favorite because I suspect she was insecure about hers--though she didn't have a noticeable weight problem. I'm sure if I'd lost the weight while we were still working together, she would have either always talked about weight with me to shame me or she would have found something else to be cruel about. It only ever bothered me because it seemed unfair that she hated me for no real reason and went out of her way to be viscous. I liked her aside from her senseless rage towards me, if that makes any sense!
Has anyone read the new Roxanne Gay book, Hunger?9 -
I must be the most oblivious person on the face of the planet. Obese, overweight, or within a normal BMI range, I have never noticed another woman (besides my mother) being rude/catty/whatever due specifically to my weight. Or anything else, for that matter.
Maybe it's because I primarily interact with other women either in a customer service (them) manner or as an authority figure (me). When in a social setting, as far as I am aware they run the gambit from friendly to reserved that I always assumed was due to their own psychological makeup (where personally sat on the ambivert spectrum/scale).
OT: I absolutely get more sexualized attention from men when I'm not obese. The overweight/obese cut off per BMI is a very real line in my life as far as that is concerned. Although the men hitting on me are more my type if I am in the normal BMI range vs. overweight. Nor do I blame them for the differential treatment, really. To paraphrase Buffalo Bill, I wouldn't *tapir* me either when I am obese, so why expect them to? And that opinion is fully on me, just for me and not where it should be for everyone, as I don't personally find myself attractive when clinically obese. On top of that pathology, I have for all intents and purposes no libido then either. I blame the estrogen dominance secondary to the increased adiposity.10 -
RAD_Fitness wrote: »I wonder how much people's perceptions of how much different they are being treated is dependent on their confidence level when they lose the weight.
I no doubt thing that obese people are looked at differently, just as taller men are and how better looking people are as well.
But I also believe if you show that you are confident in yourself, some of that goes away even if your obese, short or not the best looking.
That is what I was thinking also. When I was 500 lbs, I assumed everyone was staring at me and thinking things about me and maybe they were. I made myself miserable worrying about what other people were thinking of me. Now I do not much care. I live my life and if you do not like the way I look then turn away.2 -
tiffaninghs wrote: »reverse for me... more attention at over 300lbs.. nw that im in the 170's to 180's i get no attention at all. i guess cause theirs nothing remarkable about me now.. im just a regular fish in the sea.. and I no longer have a big butt or large breasts so no one is paying any attention.. lol
I just want to say you look great. I would kill to have your before body, but you look great before and after.1 -
tabletop_joe wrote: »Maybe it's because I'm bisexual, but I honestly don't feel threatened by other women. I admire them. I want to be a light in the world, so I smile at people, am kind to them. Strong women don't bring each other down. That's a sign of weakness, I've realized. If another individual feels the need to tear another human being down, in order to feel better about themselves, that is because they're weak. Strong people don't need to feed off of other people's pain in order to feel good.
But, yeah. I'm TRULY so happy to be on this journey. I feel like I'm LIVING my life now, rather than just existing. But the struggle is SO. REAL. when it comes to the sheer toxic animosity I receive on a daily basis from other women. I honestly thought it was a myth, to some degree. But, no. It's definitely, absolutely, very, very real, haha. I live it every day.
You keep doing what you're doing; you're doing wonderfully and I think your grasp of the situation is exactly right. Keep talking about it, too! It's the only way we can work against this deeply-ingrained women-hating-women nonsense. Women need to support other women, or at least not serve as yet another hindrance. It's tough enough without us tearing each other to shreds for no appreciable reason.
I was treated horrendously by a co-worker for years. She was abusive about my weight, my spouse, my work, my income level, my background... really whatever she could. Weight was her favorite because I suspect she was insecure about hers--though she didn't have a noticeable weight problem. I'm sure if I'd lost the weight while we were still working together, she would have either always talked about weight with me to shame me or she would have found something else to be cruel about. It only ever bothered me because it seemed unfair that she hated me for no real reason and went out of her way to be viscous. I liked her aside from her senseless rage towards me, if that makes any sense!
Has anyone read the new Roxanne Gay book, Hunger?
Not yet, but I have a hold placed on it at my library. Hoping it's available soon. Have you read it already?1 -
Haven't really noticed a difference but then again I take up a lot of room metaphorically speaking. Always being the shortest kid (with glasses) and on the round end of the spectrum, I had to develop a killer personality to satisfy my deeply social nature. As an adult, I am the person that random strangers will tell the most random things to (a friend said I have bubbles over my head that attract this kind of interaction).
What I do want to go on a bit about is the comments regarding how women treat other women (negatively). Although I haven't experienced it (outside of personality mismatches and random cat fights), it deeply concerns me and I'd like to understand it more, and figure out how to put an end to it. I do notice other women's bodies, but in admiration-like "wow, I wish I had her shape" or "those legs are fantastic". I know it's naïve to think everyone should be positive and respectful of everyone else but can't we at least try?!? Maybe if we project our own positivity on others it'll catch? Hate breeds hate. I choose to believe positivity & encouragement are equally contagious. Sorry about the long post!!4 -
I challenge this and believe this has far more to do with your perception of yourself rather than the perceptions of others. How do you know what others are thinking? Even if you openly ask someone what they are thinking you are rarely going to get an honest response. Most will tell you what you want to hear for fear of being judgmental or not politically correct.
There is a small percentage of the population that are simply toxic, so it doesn't matter if you are overweight or don't conform in some way - they will find something to pick on. They exist to make others as miserable as they are. A key to success is to identify and remove these people from your life quickly.
Personally I have seen a better response from people, but I also perceive this as a direct reaction of my increased confidence due to my personal improvement.
Strong people build themselves up and they build everyone up around them.11 -
I challenge this and believe this has far more to do with your perception of yourself rather than the perceptions of others. How do you know what others are thinking? Even if you openly ask someone what they are thinking you are rarely going to get an honest response. Most will tell you what you want to hear for fear of being judgmental or not politically correct.
There is a small percentage of the population that are simply toxic, so it doesn't matter if you are overweight or don't conform in some way - they will find something to pick on. They exist to make others as miserable as they are. A key to success is to identify and remove these people from your life quickly.
Personally I have seen a better response from people, but I also perceive this as a direct reaction of my increased confidence due to my personal improvement.
Strong people build themselves up and they build everyone up around them.
It's not hard to figure out if someone doesn't like you.8 -
I got chubby for a bit (which I didn't really care about at the time) and because I've mostly always been thin I really noticed a dramatic difference with how people treated me or rather didn't treat me... it was like I was invisible the bigger I got! It was actually horrible and I lost my faith in people for a bit thinking how rubbish people are.
On the other side of things, being thin again and having a pretty healthy pregnancy recently (only gained 8kgs) - i have to admit I looked gorgeous and I noticed that on my walks, women in general were total brats and wldnt even move over on the pathway for me and wld try and make me walk on the grass where as the men were incredible and really considerate. It was mostly the larger women that were mean - they wld look at my clearly preg tummy, look me up and down and then proceed to try and just barrage through me... haha makes me mad just thinking back to it but it happened so much!8 -
After losing more than 100lbs, I definitely received many great words of encouragement. But I also had some negative remarks, mostly from some family members. Those were very hurtful after all my hard work.3
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men/dating: I noticed bigger differences with different hair styles. Men who knew the fatter me gave me a lot of praise, but the flirting didn't change. Inadvertently, the thinner me did end up in a long-term relationship with a guy who has a lot of expectations about how women should look. The men the fatter me ended up in relationships with men who were more open-minded...
work: This was the worst. Most of my life I've done male-dominated work that involves lifting, carrying, use of manual and powered tools, and driving. The heavier me "fit in", and felt like "one of the team". The thinner me struggled with men arguing that I wasn't strong enough, smart enough, or however able to do whatever it is I've been doing for 15 years. They also need to open doors for me more, which is awkward when you are moving equipment or something.
I can relate a lot! I find it interesting that you also mentioned hair styles. That has been a huge thing for me, I notice that I am treated so differently and get attention from different people based on my hair length/style/color. I am just talking pixie to shoulder length but it's like night and day. I am ignored in an art gallery with a bob and people flock to me with a boy cut. Opposite situation in a "normal" bar & grill. So strange, and more dramatically different than at size 10 vs size 24. That's weird to me.
As for the heavy lifting and such...I don't have a job that involves that sort of labor, but I do work in a heavily male dominated field and there's a very big difference. Men used to treat me like their equal most times, assume I could lift 50 lb, etc. I'm still 5'8" and a fairly large woman even though I'm average weight now. But they will carry a box half full of copy paper for me. You would think I was a dainty fairy. I don't love that, honestly.
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I'm treated ridiculously better by 90% of the people I meet or see, man or woman. The smallest things, people are much more friendly about.
The other 10% are catty af. Tends to be women, especially those not on a diet or are on a 'diet' and not losing... I'm thinking specific examples when I type this.
EDIT: I lost 100lbs over the course of a year and a half to two years. All working at the same place. Have a new job now, have been open about the weight loss due to comments about my super-healthy eating habits (seriously, veggies in guac is glorious, as are fruits). Yadda yadda.6 -
I don't feel like I get treated much differently but *I* definitely feel different and therefore see things differently. For instance, the larger I am, the more I believe people are talking about me or making fun of me but that isn't necessarily true, it's because of how *I* feel.
I second that. But definitely I feel more confident now.
Check out my success story -
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10511781/fat-to-fit-6-packs-just-2-inspire/p1
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So far, I've lost a total of 147 lbs. Before, at nearly 300 lbs, people were nice... sort of. Men definitely didn't look in my direction, at all. And girls were fairly nice to me. I was just sort of... there. It's the total opposite now– Night & day, haha. Men are... very interested, haha. And women. Holy *kitten*. I never realized the kind of animosity from total strangers I would receive once I dropped over 100 lbs.
Girls literally loose their *kitten* over me, no lie.
I, honestly, just want to get along with everyone. But in the last couple months, once I really started to lose weight, women glare at me, openly. It's kind of amazing, really. & incredibly disconcerting. It often gives me severe social anxiety (which I already had, being an introvert, haha). Now, I have to pump myself up in order to leave the house & prepare myself, mentally, for the nasty looks (and often words) that women will inevitably throw my way. It's gotten so bad, in some ways, that I honestly want so badly to conduct a study as to WHY it is that women are so awful to each other, especially women who perceive other women to be "threats", simply because they're physically attractive.
Maybe it's because I'm bisexual, but I honestly don't feel threatened by other women. I admire them. I want to be a light in the world, so I smile at people, am kind to them. Strong women don't bring each other down. That's a sign of weakness, I've realized. If another individual feels the need to tear another human being down, in order to feel better about themselves, that is because they're weak. Strong people don't need to feed off of other people's pain in order to feel good.
But, yeah. I'm TRULY so happy to be on this journey. I feel like I'm LIVING my life now, rather than just existing. But the struggle is SO. REAL. when it comes to the sheer toxic animosity I receive on a daily basis from other women. I honestly thought it was a myth, to some degree. But, no. It's definitely, absolutely, very, very real, haha. I live it every day.
Exact same damned thing! I've finally begun hitting breakthroughs with my anxiety, and have been hitting 'idgaf' levels to the extreme. I'm even dressing more revealing now that my loose skin is healing up (the glaaaaares, though). Basically, I'm the 'Punky Princess' I always wanted to pull off when younger. Short, tiny, bubbly, bouncy.
I'm bi and friendly af with other women, too. I smile openly and often to combat my resting biitch face. (typo to subvert filter, need to find that to turn it off)
Just remember that you are friggin' awesome. Be the you that you wanna be. Those who try to bring you down have some issues that need sorting, all we can do is hope they hit a point in their life where they no longer feel the need to do so.6 -
My dating life has become dramatically more robust, for better or for worse. Since I am a twentysomething guy and don't do the bar/club scene anymore, Tinder and POF have been my primary sources. This has been bittersweet to put it mildly. What I have found is both of them are mainly just sources for hookups. I do not care what they put on their profile, the truth is that is what most of the girls there are after. Or else just someone to hang out with them and show them a good time because they are bored, mad at their ex, broke, etc. You also get the occasional raving lunatic. Now I am no angel and certainly do not claim to be. I won't lie and say there is not some benefit to this setup, especially when you have been fat and lonely for years, but this whole charade grows tiresome when it's months on end of the same thing. Sooner or later just getting your rocks off is not enough.
Also, to be perfectly honest I have discovered that much of this difficulty could be on me. By that I mean that I have discovered that I am pretty much terrified of falling in love. I am scared that it could distract me from my focus on my program and screw everything up. I am also scared and insecure because the process of getting fit has caused me to pick up some pretty irrational tendencies and quirks in my life. Tendencies that I feel it would be difficult for a person that has never been in my shoes to understand. This is going to make me sound like a total D-bag, but I have actually hit on a few of the females that are on my friend's list here on MFP who are local to me because I feel as though they "get it".
The other main area where I have noticed different treatment is at work. The HR and admin girls talk to me far more frequently, which is nice, but the other big change has been how well I have been received by clients. Looking over my CRM tool, my client spends and overall MRR has seen a hell of a lot of improvement. In short, I am making more money. Now some of this could also have to do with the fact that I am unquestionably more confident now and this correlates to how I interact with them, but it seems too big of a jump to be pure coincidence.
There are a ton of other factors on this subject that I could also elaborate on, but I am not really looking to type a novel today (and it could fill one).,16 -
When I was overweight, no matter how confident and fun I was feeling there were always people at parties who just didn't want anything to do with me. I've noticed less of this as I've lost weight. Maybe I'm more confident, but overall I can't help but pick up on others' reactions. The worst is guys I haven't seen in a while who suddenly "notice" me... I get so irritated at those dudes. And I'm sorry, but this tends to happen mostly with white men, actually; I've had less of that happen with men of color. White men were the absolute hardest to date when I was bigger (hurray western beauty standards!). There are loads of other ways in which I get treated differently: I get served more quickly at bars, I get more help at work.
Internally, I feel less self-conscious when ordering food at a restaurant. I feel like it's easier to make all sorts of female friends, whereas before I was really bitter about conventionally attractive female friends. After I gained weight in college I was the "fat friend" for so long; in social settings, this made me paradoxically stand out and be invisible, so now I feel hyperaware of how people treat me. Dancing is more fun (mostly because I have more energy to do so). Overall though, my weight didn't improve til my mental health improved, so my depression could very well have been the main reason I was treated differently. I'll never know, unless someday I am back to that size and not depressed.9 -
well, it depends on the crowd you're in. like me, when Im around people who are the same race as me, they make fun of me. they point out that i'm bigger than the usual. it's just asian women tend to be smaller and im not. but when I'm with other race they always make me feel contented with my body. like how they say they like thick women or that you're not fat. well bad for me, I'm always around the wrong crowd so I feel like crap.4
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Hey ek0513. :-)
Your problem regarding your sister might not entirely be weight-related. Google 'Scapegoat/Golden child'. It's not an unfamiliar family dynamic and yes, it is real. Experienced it myself. It's not your fault or even your sisters, it's just the way some families operate. I have found that a lot of people I met who suffer from low self-esteem/weight problems grew up in such an environment.
It might take some time for this info to sink in, because it can be a painful realisation. Or it might not apply to you at all. But I hope this helps you on your journey and if not, maybe someone else. :-)4 -
I agree with an earlier post that when I put on a lot of weight, women were friendlier towards me. Then, when I dropped the weight, men were overly friendly and women - well, not so much. My confidence level has never changed, just simply the weight and people's perceptions of me. I find it fascinating from a psychological stand point.5
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I believe my story is a bit different. I'm petite and my weight has ranged a lot (45 pounds in between highest and lowest weight). I also had an eating disorder. When I'm curvier, I think I attract more attention and when I was severely underweight, people would stare but I would sometimes still get hit on.
It's strange.4 -
NelwynnValala wrote: »Hey ek0513. :-)
Your problem regarding your sister might not entirely be weight-related. Google 'Scapegoat/Golden child'. It's not an unfamiliar family dynamic and yes, it is real. Experienced it myself. It's not your fault or even your sisters, it's just the way some families operate. I have found that a lot of people I met who suffer from low self-esteem/weight problems grew up in such an environment.
It might take some time for this info to sink in, because it can be a painful realisation. Or it might not apply to you at all. But I hope this helps you on your journey and if not, maybe someone else. :-)
Thank you for commenting on this. I wouldn't say my family dynamic is extremely concerning, but there is definitely a bit of favoritism towards my older sister. I'd just like to know if my family's favoritism started before or after I gained weight as a kid.0 -
Interesting topic...I've been obese, very thin and everywhere in between in my life. I can say that I definitely got more attention from males when I began losing weight in high school. Maybe some jealousy from other girls, but mostly positive feedback and attention, especially from the "cool" girls lol...0
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