I'm frustrated, tired, and hangry. [rant]

AliceDark · July 2017

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

AliceDark wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

Eat at maintenance for a couple of weeks.

This. Have you ever taken a diet break?

I took 3 months or so off about a year and a half ago. Whether I hit my goal weight or not by winter I plan on taking a short break when the cooler weather rolls in and I'm not going topless in public.

I'd think about taking a week or two at maintenance sooner rather than later. Two weeks won't make a noticeable change in your physique either way, but it might help your hunger and your frustration levels.

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

Maybe after vacation, but I'll be topless and in the sun for much of august. There's no way I could mentally bring myself to take a break right now. There's a lot of pressure (from myself) to be in top form possible.

kyubeans · July 2017

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

So your plan is to beat your body in to shape until all the naysayers fall at your feet in awe.

Correct. It doesn't have to be in awe. But being treated like a human being worthy of a bit of affection from time to time by someone I'm attracted to would be nice. I'm really not sorry that this seems to offend so many people.

I was with you until I saw this one.

What happens when you actually reach your goal weight and goal body fat percentage but the "being treated like a human being worthy of a bit of affection from time to time by someone I'm attracted to" doesn't come with it?

This back and forth battle with your body might be something you're focusing on, when what you might need to start thinking about is... What if the excess weight wasn't the real issue?

I haven't had personal experience with losing a ton of weight and then realizing this sort of thing, but I've lurked long enough to see posts that are similar. I think the advice is always to see someone who could help you talk these issues out. Maybe getting a jump start on that will help you get to goal without the physical and emotional battle you seem to be going through? Just a suggestion.

I hope you succeed, and I hope you find what you're looking for when you get there.

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

What happens when you actually reach your goal weight and goal body fat percentage but the "being treated like a human being worthy of a bit of affection from time to time by someone I'm attracted to" doesn't come with it?

Then I continue grinding in the gym until I find the right person.

What if that doesn't happen?

Then I continue living my life.

A lot of people seem to get bent out of shape if men admit wanting to find a mate as a motivating factor. I don't know why. There are countless threads on the success stories (and on other websites) about how guys suddenly have so much attention they're sick of it after losing weight. Well, I just want a little bit of attention. I really wish it didn't offend a certain segment so much that men want attention, but it does.

Any sort of implication saying it's not my body is unfortunately a jab at me as a person. Unfortunately I disagree with that. My personality and character are great. Certainly no better or worse than anyone else's. So to say that I somehow am not good enough for the opposite sex because of some sort of personality flaw is a bit offensive.

"Hey, this guy made a thread about being hangry and frustrated, he must be a horrible person that no one can get along with!" is really how it comes across to me, whether that is the attention or not.

kimny72 · July 2017

@Geocitiesuser You have posted a lot about wanting to get your body to the point where someone will be attracted to you. The problem with your goal isn't that it's vain (we're all at least a little vain), it's that you are tying an un-shallow goal to a shallow benchmark.

Go sit on a bench at the mall or a park and look at couples holding hands - are they all in great shape? Are they all thin or fit? Have they all achieved the best body they could and NOW they finally attracted someone? Of course not.

You seem to have decided that there is some goal body you need to achieve, before you can lay off your diet and exercise restrictions, before you can attempt to find an SO. But real world examples show plenty of people who have found someone while still working on themselves physically or while not even bothering to work on themselves. It is NOT your physicality that is holding you back, it is your feelings about your physicality. And the unfortunate fact is that changing your body probably won't change your feelings about your body. Just like anorexics who keep telling themselves "If I just lost 10 more lbs, I would be happy" over and over and over again until they are 70 lbs and their body gives out.

I think unfortunately being 100 lbs overweight can keep someone who would otherwise like you from giving a relationship a shot. But being 15 lbs overweight will not in most cases. I think all anyone here is trying to tell you is that you are not going to feel better about yourself in 15 lbs. There will be some other negative voice in your head telling you you still need to lose 5 lbs more, or now you need more muscles, or now you aren't tall enough, or now blah blah blah. Take a break from beating yourself into a particular shape and use the time to deal with that voice instead.

I speak as someone who could probably use some professional help with my confidence and feelings of self worth myself, so I both know of whence I speak and am kind of being a hypocrite at the same time

Hang in there and please take care of yourself.

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

I think unfortunately being 100 lbs overweight can keep someone who would otherwise like you from giving a relationship a shot. But being 15 lbs overweight will not in most cases.

Considering I'm still at a zero percent reply rate on the personals, this is all I have to go on. I'm still being treated the same way I was at 330lbs as I am at 180lbs. Personality is not a factor when no one speaks to you. I apparently have a face only a mother can love, and all other facets of my life are doing quite well. So all I can do at this point is keep grinding. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but it's my goal. It has been for a very long time. That offends people, but I have a knack for being more blunt and honest than most.

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

And for the record this has veered entirely off course from the original premise of the fact that I'm just hungry af. lol. Everything else is just background noise.

gothchiq · July 2017

Man, I hear that. People like to say you're doing it wrong if it's hard/yr suffering. Not necessarily. Some things in life are just not easy any way you slice it and this is one of them.

kyubeans · July 2017

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

What happens when you actually reach your goal weight and goal body fat percentage but the "being treated like a human being worthy of a bit of affection from time to time by someone I'm attracted to" doesn't come with it?

Then I continue grinding in the gym until I find the right person.

What if that doesn't happen?

Then I continue living my life.

A lot of people seem to get bent out of shape if men admit wanting to find a mate as a motivating factor. I don't know why. There are countless threads on the success stories (and on other websites) about how guys suddenly have so much attention they're sick of it after losing weight. Well, I just want a little bit of attention. I really wish it didn't offend a certain segment so much that men want attention, but it does.

Any sort of implication saying it's not my body is unfortunately a jab at me as a person. Unfortunately I disagree with that. My personality and character are great. Certainly no better or worse than anyone else's. So to say that I somehow am not good enough for the opposite sex because of some sort of personality flaw is a bit offensive.

"Hey, this guy made a thread about being hangry and frustrated, he must be a horrible person that no one can get along with!" is really how it comes across to me, whether that is the attention or not.

Actually, I didn't make any sort of assumption about your personality or character. I'm sure they're great. And no, I don't think men wanting to find a mate is so horrible. How is that any different from a woman wanting to be more attractive by getting slimmer? In fact, I don't even know who you're talking about when you say that the idea that men want attention would "offend a certain segment." I certainly don't find that offensive, and don't know anyone who would be offended by that.

I was expressing caution with putting external validation so high on your list of reasons to get to your goal weight. If what you heard is "Hey, this guy made a thread about being hangry and frustrated, he must be a horrible person that no one can get along with!" from my well-meaning post, then I think that might be part of what you're putting out there... but it didn't come from me.

When I said "that might not be the real issue", I certainly didn't mean that the real issue is you must be a horrible person. I meant that oftentimes looking for external validation as a measure of personal worth does not bring about satisfactory results. Even when the external validation comes, it might not bring happiness or satisfaction.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, focus on appreciating yourself and your accomplishments first and then finding someone who reflects that back to you might sort of... fall into place.

But if that also comes across to you like I'm saying "you're not good enough, you must suck as a person," then... all I can say is again, I hope you succeed, and I hope you find what you're looking for when you get there.

kimny72 · July 2017

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

And for the record this has veered entirely off course from the original premise of the fact that I'm just hungry af. lol. Everything else is just background noise.

Sorry

I do still want to lose another 5-10, so i know what you mean about feeling like you have already done everything you can do and why won't the number on the scale just get there already. Hope things get back to moving in the right direction for ya, one way or the other

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

kimny72 wrote: »

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

And for the record this has veered entirely off course from the original premise of the fact that I'm just hungry af. lol. Everything else is just background noise.

Sorry I do still want to lose another 5-10, so i know what you mean about feeling like you have already done everything you can do and why won't the number on the scale just get there already. Hope things get back to moving in the right direction for ya, one way or the other

I'm finding that most people struggle with the last 10 or so, so it's a little comforting to know it's not just me. It just doesn't get brought up a lot because we seem to be the few and the proud who make it this far. Our battles with the last 10lbs are definitely something to be proud of, even if they are difficult.

kyubeans · July 2017

Have you tried looking at the Maintenance boards? They have a thread dedicated to losing the last 10 lbs...

everher · July 2017

Sigh.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel often times people take OP the wrong way.

He wants an attractive mate (for lack of better term) and wishes to be as attractive as possible in order to attract said mate.

I don't think there's anything so abnormal about that. I do think you can be a tad negative about it at times, OP, but from what I've read from you on the forums since losing the weight you've had a good bit of rejection when it comes to dating and yeah, I think that would make us all a bit bitter.

My advice (unsolicited and perhaps unwanted) would be to try to meet a woman in person instead of online. Online dating is a shark tank. I don't even think I'm top tier looks wise when it comes to women, but I would often get 100+ responses in a day when I used online dating and it was a lot of me just quickly glancing and deleting messages.

Geocitiesuser · July 2017

Thank you for the kind words and empathy @everher! Some people "get it" like you do but most don't.

And it's not like I'm pacing back and forth in my livingroom every day hoping someone will fall from the sky. I work every day towards being the best "me" I can become, and that goes far beyond dating, it's self love and self respect.

It just so happens that it's a bit of a pain point in my life, and yeah, I'm a little bitter and a little frustrated that things turned out the way they have, so when I'm dieing of hunger, killing myself in the gym, and start to feel a bit run down, yeah, the rejection hurts from time to time. It's to easy to be judged by a forum thread, a moment of frustration, and not the 99.999% of the rest of the time.

jgnatca · July 2017

https://www.hgdata.com/blog/data-mining-dates-okcupid/

How a math nerd hacked a dating site and became the most popular date. "...By comparison, a straight male on OkCupid, the median number of unsolicited messages is zero.)"

Congratulations. You match the median! You are normal.

try2again · July 2017

Really hesitate to offer a comment here since, being familiar with many of your posts, I just see a pattern of thought and an approach to life and weight loss that seems problematic & unlikely to change. And I realize you only want replies that commiserate with your misery. But I'm just going to offer this for the benefit of lurkers.

My hubby has been pursuing his own weight loss goals for the last couple of years. He is 5'10" & started off at 195 and quickly got down to 160, but is currently about 170. He is extremely fit & active and a lifter, but struggles to keep that last 10 lbs off. Like you, he will adhere to his deficit for several days and then end up eating over maintenance for a couple out of hunger. The other day we were discussing his goal and the fact that, it's not just about being able to get to the goal weight, but being happy with the lifestyle maintaining that goal will require, including lower maintenance calories. He is currently reevaluating his goal with that in mind. It may be something to consider. If the pursuit of a lower goal causes a person that much distress, leads to binges, and then fasts or excessive exercise to compensate, that goal may not be for you (or may not be for you *right now*... maybe later). Of course, this only applies to a person whose goal is health & happiness, not a perfect body and external validation.

I would also be interested to know if you are pursuing the .5 lb/week weight loss goal that is recommended for those with less than 25 lbs to lose, and provides a gentle 250 calorie deficit, or if you're still trying to blast through the last 10 lbs & get it over with? You've mentioned you've raised your calories recently, but you've never actually specified the deficit you're pursuing. Again for lurkers, .5 lb/week may seem too tedious & slow, but if a greater deficit hurts your adherence, it's not doing you any favors.

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

I worked on "other areas of my life" my entire life, and I've benefited greatly from it in various ways. That time is over. Now we focus on the physical.

Respectfully, none of us should reach the point where we say we've done enough to better ourselves... in any area. Hope you find some peace

fiddletime · July 2017

So much about finding the right person seems like pure luck to me. I'd given up looking, and two years into a graduate degree a classmate and I fell in love and got married. No planning, no hitting the gym, just lots of time together in and outside of class, to really get to know each other. Who has that time outside of school?

As for being hungry- I make sure to have a Klondike bar a couple of nights a week when I've been in a deficit for a few days and am getting that unhappy, this really isn't fun, feeling. Slows down the last ten pounds, but that's ok. I'm happier.

I'm frustrated, tired, and hangry. [rant]

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