Body shame

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  • KimsHealthJourney
    KimsHealthJourney Posts: 15 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    I have to agree with you completely. And interestingly enough, my other half doesn't seem to be very interested in my body at all. He tells me I'm beautiful or that I'm pretty. And it rips my heart out.

    I am doing Myfitnesspal for me, not anyone else. I want to get off my blood pressure pills. I hate being obese. And if I had a nickel for every time I was told I have a "pretty face," I'd puke. I am thankful for the "pretty face," but my heart is pretty damn amazing as I love those in my life immensely and to the core. I have other great characteristics and am happy with myself in the person I am on the inside.

    I feel better thinner. I feel more energetic and healthier. I am eating so much healthier too than I have in the past several years. One day at a time. We've got this. <3
  • KimsHealthJourney
    KimsHealthJourney Posts: 15 Member
    edited July 2017
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    " Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?[/quote]

    I just feel when someone says I love you for you it's a cop out. He's always looked at other women, it's just in him. I think I just want to feel special and wanted sometimes. He doesn't have to say he doesn't find me attractive his actions says it when he isn't interested in me. [/quote]


    Yep my partner sure does look at other women and I find it very hurtful. I don't expect a man to be blind or not notice a pretty woman - I notice them too. But I'm a great catch and not a woman a man should "settle for," by any means.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    I have to agree with you completely. And interestingly enough, my other half doesn't seem to be very interested in my body at all. He tells me I'm beautiful or that I'm pretty. And it rips my heart out.

    I am doing Myfitnesspal for me, not anyone else. I want to get off my blood pressure pills. I hate being obese. And if I had a nickel for every time I was told I have a "pretty face," I'd puke. I am thankful for the "pretty face," but my heart is pretty damn amazing as I love those in my life immensely and to the core. I have other great characteristics and am happy with myself in the person I am on the inside.

    I feel better thinner. I feel more energetic and healthier. I am eating so much healthier too than I have in the past several years. One day at a time. We've got this. <3

    That's great, you have a wonderful, supporting partner there and they seem to be rare.
    It is wonderful you are getting healthy for you.
    Reading your reply has put things into perspective, all the replies I have had yours has really gotten to me because I to love with everything I am, I to have a good heart and I to have got great traits, I just lost who I was.
    I was looking for something or someone to make me happy, I actually make me happy because knowing I am a good, kind, honest person is all that matters. I don't need to hear what someone thinks of me to make me feel good because I am the best me i can be (a little tweaking on the weight loss front).
    We have as you say, got this!!!
    Thank you so much :)
  • YearOfTheDragonLeo
    YearOfTheDragonLeo Posts: 214 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    He wouldn't be my "other half". Simple as that.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    He wouldn't be my "other half". Simple as that.

    Well he isn't anymore!! I'm done.
  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    He wouldn't be my "other half". Simple as that.

    Well he isn't anymore!! I'm done.

    good for you, he sounds like a total bummer.
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    He wouldn't be my "other half". Simple as that.

    Well he isn't anymore!! I'm done.

    good for you, he sounds like a total bummer.

    He is!!! I was called a f-ing bit@h and an idiot when he came home from work. Oh and to leave because no one wants me here. Such a charmer.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    To answer your original question OP. This happened to me. I got very fat, my husband turned cold, I confronted him and he told me my being fat turned him off. I was devastated, couldn't understand why he couldn't love me for me.

    I cried and cried then I got mad at him, then got mad at myself. I was ashamed of my body and what I had become.

    I started dieting and lifting weights. 18 months later I am working out in the spare bedroom and he came in, looked me up and down and said "you look so hot" I looked in the mirror and realised that I did indeed look hot. Then I looked at him and realised I was too hot for him and that I could do better.

    6 months later we were divorced. If he had helped me with my weight loss, supported me through it we would have still been together. It wasn't his not liking me fat, it was his lack of empathy and support to change that which killed our marriage.

    My present husband loves me and supports me in everything. He also looks at other women, no biggie, I look at other men. Sometimes I groan out loud if some hunk comes on the TV just to keep him on his toes lol.

    You deserve better and you should go and find better. He might not be a terrible man neither was my husband but he is not what you need.

    I would however be careful about telling men you are not compatible or good enough for them, that can become a self fulfilling prophesy. You need to believe in yourself to reach your goals whatever they may be.

    Hugs xxxxx
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,549 Member
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    I'd recommend getting some therapy for yourself. Talk openly about your struggles and insecurities. Best case, you start changing and becoming more confident, he sees those changes and responds in turn, or maybe he decides that he wants therapy too.

    Best case - alternate, you realize that you don't need an abusive relationship to have value. And you find the strength to only accept respectful behavior - which could mean the end of the relationship. I've been in a toxic relationship and left (with kids). It's not easy, but I am an entirely different person than I used to be - and I have learned to love myself in the process! :)
  • ansmit4642014
    ansmit4642014 Posts: 67 Member
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    I would lose weight for me. Looks only last so long....there has to be other things they love about you.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
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    I would show him where the door is.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    leasy1 wrote: »
    has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?

    is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?

    I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.

    so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....

    I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.

    Why are you tolerating this? His behavior all sounds unacceptable. There are men out there who aren't jerks.
  • HooperDrivesTheBoatChief
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  • johnw83
    johnw83 Posts: 6,219 Member
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    very true it gose both ways
  • fattbone1904
    fattbone1904 Posts: 41 Member
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    leasy1 wrote: »
    I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.

    Sadly to say but there's a time when they just don't love you anymore and no matter how hard you try to change the other person, they already made up their mind...☹️☹️☹️

    I think the most beautiful people in the world are the ones who have positive personalities!!!!! Appearance are goooood but once that goes away the only thing left is who you are from the inside
  • leasy1
    leasy1 Posts: 172 Member
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    For the sake of being told I am an attention seeker I will not reply to everyone I will keep this short and end the conversation here.

    I would like to say a massive thank you from the bottom of my heart and I really do appreciate everything everyone has said.

    It really does mean a lot. <3
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    edited July 2017
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    I personally only date people who are in shape, into working out, and take care of their appearance. So, baring any major life or health events causing such, if they started packing on weight you can bet I would be gone. I mean, I would of course talk to them about it at first. Because anyone I date will know ahead of time how I feel about it. I work my *kitten* off for my body. And that is something I have to have in common with anyone in whom I would be interested.

    And it's not JUST about looks. No, I would no longer find them attractive. But beyond that, they would not be the person I had chosen to be with. Because either they misrepresented themselves as someone who cares about fitness and taking care of their body OR they just changed and lost interest. Either way, that's not someone I would be with.

    And yes, if the roles were reversed and I let myself go I would understand completely if someone I were dating lost interest and ended things.
  • chantelp0508
    chantelp0508 Posts: 162 Member
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    I've gained 60lbs over the last 9 years. He still tells me that I'm sexy and I turn him on, but I really think he's embarrassed to be seen with me. As far as noticing other women, I don't mind because I look too. Most of the time I'll say something before he does. I know I've got to get my *kitten* in gear
  • born_of_fire74
    born_of_fire74 Posts: 776 Member
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    OP, you need to talk to your husband. Weights go up and down but you have to tell him to remember the first few months of knowing each other forever.

    When I met my wife, she was in a different place. I had never seen someone so attractive. She had red hair and after lunch we went to starbucks and as I was standing behind her I was shaking inside.....

    The second time I met her she was walking towards me in the parking lot. And I will always remember that. It was like a walk of fame.

    We went to a movie in the third outing and it was the best movie I ever saw.

    Fast forward - many life problems, miscarriages, all kinds of medication, ivf injections and she is just depressed all the time and has gained a lot of weight, then lost, then gained again - sometimes life happens and being fit is not a priority.

    When you are married, you have to remember who you fell in love with.

    My recommendation to you apart from reminding him of early days is - dress fashionably and keep yourself up to style trends and it can help. Men are visual beasts.

    This is wonderful.

    I think it boils down to whether you love the person or you love what the person looks like. It is inevitable that what the person looks will change.