11 year old & her parents asking/pressuring me to help her lose weight. I'm very uncomfortable
EllieElla2015
Posts: 67 Member
Hi!
I appreciate any insight. Note, Kayla is a fake name for the sake of the family's privacy!
I've been a babysitter for this family since their daughter, Kayla, has been 6 years old so needless to say the boundaries of just being a babysitter have been blurred. Kayla has always been a little overweight for her age and she is currently about 5 feet and weighs around 130 pounds according to her parents. She's very insecure about her weight and while she has a thick skin, she sometimes cries to me about not being "like the other girls".
While I hop on and off MFP, I've been consistently conscious of my calorie intake and often weigh food at their home when babysitting. This was never an issue until Kayla turned 9. When she was around 9 years old she began asking me why I weigh food and asked me if I could do the same for her. Needless to stay I stopped keeping a scale at their home and just brought my food already prepared. Recently, now at 11 years old, Kayla has been asking me to bring my scale back. A few days later, her parents took me out to lunch and asked me to teach their daughter about tracking food and weight goals.
I do most of the cooking for Kayla as her parents come home around 7pm so generally I give Kayla her afternoon snacks, dinner and sometimes dessert. I also often pre-make her lunch the night before. Kayla's parents think Kayla overeats at school or hides eating at home and want me to discuss with her how to differentiate healthy food from unhealthy food, why being in shape matters, and the existence of calories. They don't buy the whole "a calorie is a calorie" thing so they literally want me to tell their daughter to not eat cake, cheese, etc. I asked them why they couldn't do it and they said because Kayla hasn't opened up to them about her weight issues and they only know her insecurities through me so they don't want to break the trust Kayla has in me by having a talk with her that only I am supposed to know about (this to me seemed manipulative on their part, using Kayla's confidence in me as a bargaining chip). They also said that she looks up to me and will be more receptive to it coming from me.
All this is making me very uncomfortable. I don't think kids should be pressured about weight at a young age even if they feel overweight. I don't want to have a talk about it with Kayla. I expressed this to them and they were very offended and kind of threatened my job. They said if I was unable to guide Kayla through this then they may have to put her in summer camp to make sure she stays active and doesn't have free access to food, meaning I wouldn't be needed. This is going to sound shallow, but they pay me well (25/hour) and it's a guaranteed 8 hours a day 5 days a week if not more- that's more than I make bartending all through the night. I don't want to ruin a solid job I've had for years and not to mention I enjoy Kayla and her family. This is the first conflict we've faced. However I also don't want to damage a child.
Is there any way to discuss weight with Kayla without it being damaging or insulting? Any advice is appreciated.
I appreciate any insight. Note, Kayla is a fake name for the sake of the family's privacy!
I've been a babysitter for this family since their daughter, Kayla, has been 6 years old so needless to say the boundaries of just being a babysitter have been blurred. Kayla has always been a little overweight for her age and she is currently about 5 feet and weighs around 130 pounds according to her parents. She's very insecure about her weight and while she has a thick skin, she sometimes cries to me about not being "like the other girls".
While I hop on and off MFP, I've been consistently conscious of my calorie intake and often weigh food at their home when babysitting. This was never an issue until Kayla turned 9. When she was around 9 years old she began asking me why I weigh food and asked me if I could do the same for her. Needless to stay I stopped keeping a scale at their home and just brought my food already prepared. Recently, now at 11 years old, Kayla has been asking me to bring my scale back. A few days later, her parents took me out to lunch and asked me to teach their daughter about tracking food and weight goals.
I do most of the cooking for Kayla as her parents come home around 7pm so generally I give Kayla her afternoon snacks, dinner and sometimes dessert. I also often pre-make her lunch the night before. Kayla's parents think Kayla overeats at school or hides eating at home and want me to discuss with her how to differentiate healthy food from unhealthy food, why being in shape matters, and the existence of calories. They don't buy the whole "a calorie is a calorie" thing so they literally want me to tell their daughter to not eat cake, cheese, etc. I asked them why they couldn't do it and they said because Kayla hasn't opened up to them about her weight issues and they only know her insecurities through me so they don't want to break the trust Kayla has in me by having a talk with her that only I am supposed to know about (this to me seemed manipulative on their part, using Kayla's confidence in me as a bargaining chip). They also said that she looks up to me and will be more receptive to it coming from me.
All this is making me very uncomfortable. I don't think kids should be pressured about weight at a young age even if they feel overweight. I don't want to have a talk about it with Kayla. I expressed this to them and they were very offended and kind of threatened my job. They said if I was unable to guide Kayla through this then they may have to put her in summer camp to make sure she stays active and doesn't have free access to food, meaning I wouldn't be needed. This is going to sound shallow, but they pay me well (25/hour) and it's a guaranteed 8 hours a day 5 days a week if not more- that's more than I make bartending all through the night. I don't want to ruin a solid job I've had for years and not to mention I enjoy Kayla and her family. This is the first conflict we've faced. However I also don't want to damage a child.
Is there any way to discuss weight with Kayla without it being damaging or insulting? Any advice is appreciated.
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Replies
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This is slippery slope territory and I would tell the parents that you don't feel comfortable doing this sort of thing. They should talk to her pediatrician for recommendations.21
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Ug, her parents sound awful (ETA: I'm sure they're great in other ways - no one's perfect). My dad was like this with my sister and believe me, it did NOT help teach her anything about health, did a number on her self-esteem, and certainly didn't lead to sustained weight-loss. I get your impulse not to want to be a part of this at all, but is there any way that you can be something of a buffer for her? Focus on the health side as much as possible, introduce her to new and healthy foods, and so on? I was just about her height and weight at that age and although my dad always focused on my sister, I developed a pretty crummy self-image as well. If you can help Kayla get through what's a rough few years for most kids, you'll have made a real difference in her life.5
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Wow, it sounds like they've really put you in a terrible position
. Have the girl's parents consulted with her pediatrician to rule out any possible medical reasons for her size? They *think* she's overeating when she's at school/ away from home, but that may not be the case.
As far as your involvement, it seems like crossing the line for her parents to expect you to do teach their child to count calories. If you're already preparing her nutritionally balanced meals when you're at work, that's about all that should be expected of you. Perhaps, modeling active behavior will help as well, but it's not your responsibility to pressure Kayla about her weight.
FWIW, I don't have kids, so I'm not coming at this from a parent's perspective. I also don't think there's anything shallow about you wanting to maintain a well paying job with a family you care about.6 -
I don't really see anything wrong with it. Kayla has already confided in you that she is unhappy with her body and sees you as a role model. As a parent myself, I can completely see how a tween would feel more comfortable confiding in you, and the parents may see that this is an area you know more about than they do.
I would totally disagree with you doing this behind her parents' back, but that is not the issue here.
I would insist that she go to the pediatrician and a nutritionist/dietician and that she get a plan from them. That may help with the cake/healthy calories issue. But I think it is fine for you to help implement it for her, especially since you are the one preparing most of her meals.19 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »This is slippery slope territory and I would tell the parents that you don't feel comfortable doing this sort of thing. They should talk to her pediatrician for recommendations.
100% this7 -
And for what it's worth I doubt an 11yo overweight girl is over eating at school especially if she's self conscious about her weight and confided so. Most girls in that scenario would proabably under eat at school and then binge at home.17
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I have three kiddos, and my oldest has a tendency to carry a little extra weight. He is 8, and he's a little self-conscious about it. I told him that all he needs to worry about is making healthy food choices and getting activity/playing. I try to help him by offering lots of fruits and veggies and encouraging healthy eating, but I keep the focus on health rather than weight. He is doing great with it!
I absolutely don't think that the parents should put you in this position. They are the parents - they need to run their household. Also, kids shouldn't be preoccupied with their weight. They should just be kids!! That being said, I also understand that you want to keep your job.
I would suggest just telling Kayla that you are going to start really focusing on healthy food choices when you make her meals, and that you want her to also challenge herself to think about making good, healthy choices. That's really all you can do, though. A child shouldn't be counting calories or obsessing over food/exercise. That is just setting her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. 7 -
She is still growing and developing, just barely entering the age of puberty, restricting calories is potentially dangerous for a child. If their concerns are that great they should seek out an appointment with their pediatrician. To try and push that responsibility on you is unfair and I do agree they are trying to manipulate you in their manner of convincing. As a figure in her life and not a parent you can depict healthy habits and be positive as you have been - the rest is truly up to her parents.1
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As unfair as it is for them to put you in this position, I think you have a good opportunity here to guide the conversation with her and with her parents toward healthy, age-appropriate topics. At her age, the conversation really needs to be about increasing activity and establishing good food habits, not at all about weight. If you're comfortable, think about laying this out for her parents. Let them know that you can listen to her talk about her feelings about her weight and can be an ear for her to express her concerns. You can help them model good food habits and can help introduce new/healthy foods to her. (Could the two of you experiment with some cooking? Could she spend some time this summer learning about different fruits/vegetables?) You can also encourage her to incorporate new activities. Let them know that you cannot provide medical advice or help them restrict her calories, because that's unhealthy for a child her age.13
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Curious to know about her parents'weights
Are they setting a good example or are they also a little heavy?6 -
The way I see it - since the position you are put in..that the parents don't want to deal with her which is sad. "just throw her in a camp that will fix her!". Uhm no, they should be talking to Kayla. However, in the position you are in and since she trusts you, you could look up some self help books in guiding children to fitness and what is appropriate to speak of. I would hate to say this, but you are sort of Kayla's last hope since her parents don't want to be parents.
Edit** maybe sign you and her up for planet fitness so she can walk while you work out? Also the focus should never be about weight and counting calories at her age - she could become fixated and lead to disorders.4 -
As unfair as it is for them to put you in this position, I think you have a good opportunity here to guide the conversation with her and with her parents toward healthy, age-appropriate topics. At her age, the conversation really needs to be about increasing activity and establishing good food habits, not at all about weight. If you're comfortable, think about laying this out for her parents. Let them know that you can listen to her talk about her feelings about her weight and can be an ear for her to express her concerns. You can help them model good food habits and can help introduce new/healthy foods to her. (Could the two of you experiment with some cooking? Could she spend some time this summer learning about different fruits/vegetables?) You can also encourage her to incorporate new activities. Let them know that you cannot provide medical advice or help them restrict her calories, because that's unhealthy for a child her age.
Obviously its a very personal decision, but if she's willing, and they're interested, there's definitely an opportunity if you feel comfortable seizing it.
If they aren't also setting/leading a healthy example, then that's a conversation that should be had first and honestly .
At the end of the day. There's nothing wrong with referring them to professionals... and nothing wrong with sharing what you know... Only you know enough about the situation to make that call.
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Recommend that her parents take her to a nutritionist for an assessment and endocrinologist so that thyroid issues can be ruled out. That way you can be supportive in a way that allows you to stay firmly within your role.2
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If I knew my child looked up to you, trusted you, and being fit you obviously are in more of a "successful" position than me in this area, I would certainly ask you for your help as well. I wouldn't threaten your job, but I would definitely try to get you "on board" with helping, even if in more discrete ways so the child doesn't feel trust has been broken. If you are her main caregiver for a lot of the time, you have a lot of "oomph" in her life - you can be a positive influence for her, and it just sounds like they really need you.11
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Thank you for all the input. I'm not sure if her parents have contacted a doctor- I doubt it to be honest. From what they've expressed to me, they see her weight as a direct result from overeating and lack of self restraint and not from a medication standpoint.
Her parents are not heavy.
I feel like part of the reason Kayla confided in me and not her parents regarding her weight is because I never bring it up. Kayla has told me her mother made comments while shopping regarding her size being bigger than average. I am really trying to avoid being another negative voice regarding her weight in her life. I feel like the most I would feel comfortable with is including her in my meal prep for her and telling her why I chose specific items versus others. Something like "I already gave you some grapes, so I'm going to add carrots to get both fruits and veggies". Or "I already added rice so now I'll add chicken". I cannot imagine myself saying "Read this calorie count and add it to this one then see if you reached X calories If you did, remove some X food."
I also don't know how to tell her parents this. Her mom called and asked me to stay around for a glass of wine after Kayla is in bed and I'm sure it'll be about my conversations with her today (or lack thereof). I also can't lie to them and say I am discussing calories with her when I'm not. I'm just so afraid to say no4 -
Being the dad of two younger girls, I'm sensitive about how I talk to them about their bodies since I know that they're going to get all sorts of ideas from school, tv etc. but since I was overweight myself and lost it all while they watched, and they do watch, I've decided there's no way around the discussion. At our house we are honest with our kids, we talk to them about the different kinds of foods and which are good for you and which are less good. We don't tell them 'sugar is bad' 'fat is bad' etc. We try to instill a moderation type of mindset. My little ones even have a saying "eat too much of 'whatever' and you grow the wrong way". We also talk about how mom and dad do exercises to keep our body's healthy so we can live a long time and spend more time with them.
I think it is extremely important that you keep the main thing the main thing. What' the main thing? The main thing is that "you *Kayla" is in control of what you think about yourself" and there are all sorts of people who want to sway your opinion and tell you what's good or bad for you. You should be honest about the fact that we all struggle with food and most of us use it to medicate our feelings, but that it can be both good and bad.
If you take this on (you don't have a choice, by the way, she looks up to you) you should treat this as a way of teaching her what her body needs first. Tell here about exercise, about how she is growing still and needs more food than adults, do some research with her and show here all the things you do and don't know. Don't be afraid to tell here that you're scared of being a bad influence and show her that food and body shape can be an obsession. Most kids can handle the truth, but will see though lies in a second.
This is a great opportunity to set the tone for her relationship with food and sometimes as parents, we know that our kids are going to influenced more by someone else, like a teacher or a coach, than they will by us. Her parents have chosen you because they trust you. You should also be open with them about the misconceptions around fad diets and quick fixes.
Be honest, always tell the truth, and don't be afraid to tell them you don't have the answer, but we can find out together. In reading how you posted, I can tell you'll do fine. You'll make mistakes, but you'll do fine.10 -
EllieElla2015 wrote: »Thank you for all the input. I'm not sure if her parents have contacted a doctor- I doubt it to be honest. From what they've expressed to me, they see her weight as a direct result from overeating and lack of self restraint and not from a medication standpoint.
Her parents are not heavy.
I feel like part of the reason Kayla confided in me and not her parents regarding her weight is because I never bring it up. Kayla has told me her mother made comments while shopping regarding her size being bigger than average. I am really trying to avoid being another negative voice regarding her weight in her life. I feel like the most I would feel comfortable with is including her in my meal prep for her and telling her why I chose specific items versus others. Something like "I already gave you some grapes, so I'm going to add carrots to get both fruits and veggies". Or "I already added rice so now I'll add chicken". I cannot imagine myself saying "Read this calorie count and add it to this one then see if you reached X calories If you did, remove some X food."
I also don't know how to tell her parents this. Her mom called and asked me to stay around for a glass of wine after Kayla is in bed and I'm sure it'll be about my conversations with her today (or lack thereof). I also can't lie to them and say I am discussing calories with her when I'm not. I'm just so afraid to say no
Never be afraid to say no and stick to your instincts. I couldn't feel comfortable in a place where my job is threatened if I didn't do something I don't feel comfortable doing.
I would start looking for another job cause this can blow up very quickly.11 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »This is slippery slope territory and I would tell the parents that you don't feel comfortable doing this sort of thing. They should talk to her pediatrician for recommendations.
This. Tell them to consult with her pediatrician.0 -
My daughter is 16. When she was 11, she was in the same position. I talked to her about moderation and staying active. She learned to have a little and not put herself in a position where she would eventually break and eat a ton of the "bad" food. It also meant she could do things with her friends without having to feel outcast because she couldn't eat what they did. For the exercise portion, we both put in some effort to go for more bike rides. I did not push her hard on either of them, but did focus more on exercise. Between our talks and puberty, she is now a healthy normal teenager. I want to be very clear and specific....I am glad that we got to have the talks we did because it gave her a good foundation for later in life, but puberty is what changed her. Her body took those extra calories hanging on her frame and turned them into a knock out kid.6
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I think that I would tell the girl that I could help her but they need to include mom and dad in the process because they are her parents and this is about her health. I agree that the pediatrician needs to know that she is concerned about her weight. Parents need to buy into all you are teaching though. A calories is a calorie no matter what they believe. I teach my preschool students that there are healthy foods and "once in a while" foods. Nothing should be denied, especially at age 11. I think she is old enough to learn about food labels and portion control. I would tell her that dieting is not what you do but that you have chosen to learn about good health and nutrition and that you sometimes weight things to stay aware of what that portion is. Mom and dad NEED to be a part of that discussion and maybe a separate one beforehand. It is possible they have no idea what or how to teach their child about this and are leaning on you because you are seen as having the knowledge to share. I am upset that they feel that blackmail is appropriate though. I'd work more on getting and keeping her active. Good luck.2
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I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
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They are (edit: both emotionally and financially) blackmailing you and this is not on and quite frankly disgusting, fair enough if they just asked because they were exploring avenues to help their daughter but the threat of taking away work if you refuse to intervene is appalling especially after 5 years of service.
Tell them you would feel much better if they arranged an appointment with their pediatrician first, I'm assuming you are not trained in childhood nutrition and you would be frightened you might do harm as she's quite young, also if they feel she's eating outside of her meals they need to take some control and get rid of snacks in the house if she has easy access and maybe do more physical activities with her like bike riding, hiking, swimming or anything that will have a little girl running about and burning off some energy.
They are the parents and this is extremely spoilt behaviour and passing on their responsibilities to you, also sending a child to a weightloss camp without attempting to broach the subject themselves and try to work through it with her will be far worse "they only know her insecurities through me so they don't want to break the trust Kayla has in me by having a talk with her that only I am supposed to know about" alot more trust and self esteem will be broken if without warning shes shoved in a weightloss camp out of the blue.
Hope you manage to work this out, awful situation. xxx3 -
spiriteagle99 wrote: »I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
While childhood obesity is certainly an issue, I would note that 130 lbs at 5 foot is in no way obese by adult BMI standards, and this kid is still growing! Although it's great to talk about nutrition and healthy choices and all, this kid does not need to lose weight - they need to gain self-esteem, and maybe take up a sport or something. Kids are really easily influenced at that age, and you don't want to encourage a lifetime of unhealthy weight obsession either.7 -
MegaMooseEsq wrote: »spiriteagle99 wrote: »I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
While childhood obesity is certainly an issue, I would note that 130 lbs at 5 foot is in no way obese by adult BMI standards, and this kid is still growing! Although it's great to talk about nutrition and healthy choices and all, this kid does not need to lose weight - they need to gain self-esteem, and maybe take up a sport or something. Kids are really easily influenced at that age, and you don't want to encourage a lifetime of unhealthy weight obsession either.
But by child BMI standards, it is obese -- there is a different chart for children and teenagers.7 -
I've never quoted before so sorry if this turns out formatted incorrectly!If you take this on (you don't have a choice, by the way, she looks up to you) you should treat this as a way of teaching her what her body needs first. Tell here about exercise, about how she is growing still and needs more food than adults, do some research with her and show here all the things you do and don't know. Don't be afraid to tell here that you're scared of being a bad influence and show her that food and body shape can be an obsession. Most kids can handle the truth, but will see though lies in a second.
This is what worries me specifically. I feel like I don't want to be the one to introduce her to the internet world of dieting (we all know there's so much bad advice there). I don't even want her to know that she is able to find diet advice online. I'm also afraid that if nobody talks to her about she will just go online herself since she's expressed concerns to me and I'm not talking to her about It. I realize I might be overreacting because my parents were obsessive about my weight when I was growing up so I'm sensitive to it, but I don't even want to tell her that she's growing so she needs more food. I really just don't want her to think about quantity at all. I don't want to be the one to make her conscious of food quantity because that's when it (in my opinion) gets dangerous mentally. Especially at 11, I'm afraid she'll think "if I lose weight eating a little less I'll lose weight eating a lot less". But again, I'm not a parent and I'm sure you're far more experienced than I am regarding kids since you are one, so if it's worked for you it may not be as bad as I'm making it out to be.
This whole situation is making me feel icky and I really appreciate having so many of you talking this through with me.4 -
Hi,
As an overweight child I never trusted my parents with talking about my weight issues. After reading your post I can see it from your side and kaylas.
As others recommended, you should tell her parents to seek help from a dietician, and work from the plan they give for her. The hardest part is sticking to the diet. If kaylas parents are anything like mine, they wont understand if she breaks her plan and wont offer the kind of encouragement she needs.
Kayla is growing up, shes not 6 years old anymore. If she can start making progress now in a healthy manner, she wont resort to any dangerous methods in the future. All you have to do is be a supporting figure, not a nutritionist.
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[quote="ngarci11;c-40084651"All you have to do is be a supporting figure, not a nutritionist.
[/quote]
This is what I'm comfortable with being too- supportive but not like some sort of authority figure regarding weight. Like making her healthy food, taking her on walks, and listening to her as another user recommended as well. That's my personal limit when it comes to involvement in her weight loss I think.
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What they are asking you to do is be a nutritionist, coach, etc, on top of your babysitting/nanny job. That is taking advantage of you and your knowledge/skills. Not to mention that it's completely inappropriate.
They need to be able to communicate with Kayla, most importantly. Or it's going to be a very long hard drag for the entire family and their expectations. Woof.5 -
Oops I messed that quote up sorry!0
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