11 year old & her parents asking/pressuring me to help her lose weight. I'm very uncomfortable
Replies
-
I think that I would tell the girl that I could help her but they need to include mom and dad in the process because they are her parents and this is about her health. I agree that the pediatrician needs to know that she is concerned about her weight. Parents need to buy into all you are teaching though. A calories is a calorie no matter what they believe. I teach my preschool students that there are healthy foods and "once in a while" foods. Nothing should be denied, especially at age 11. I think she is old enough to learn about food labels and portion control. I would tell her that dieting is not what you do but that you have chosen to learn about good health and nutrition and that you sometimes weight things to stay aware of what that portion is. Mom and dad NEED to be a part of that discussion and maybe a separate one beforehand. It is possible they have no idea what or how to teach their child about this and are leaning on you because you are seen as having the knowledge to share. I am upset that they feel that blackmail is appropriate though. I'd work more on getting and keeping her active. Good luck.2
-
I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
3 -
They are (edit: both emotionally and financially) blackmailing you and this is not on and quite frankly disgusting, fair enough if they just asked because they were exploring avenues to help their daughter but the threat of taking away work if you refuse to intervene is appalling especially after 5 years of service.
Tell them you would feel much better if they arranged an appointment with their pediatrician first, I'm assuming you are not trained in childhood nutrition and you would be frightened you might do harm as she's quite young, also if they feel she's eating outside of her meals they need to take some control and get rid of snacks in the house if she has easy access and maybe do more physical activities with her like bike riding, hiking, swimming or anything that will have a little girl running about and burning off some energy.
They are the parents and this is extremely spoilt behaviour and passing on their responsibilities to you, also sending a child to a weightloss camp without attempting to broach the subject themselves and try to work through it with her will be far worse "they only know her insecurities through me so they don't want to break the trust Kayla has in me by having a talk with her that only I am supposed to know about" alot more trust and self esteem will be broken if without warning shes shoved in a weightloss camp out of the blue.
Hope you manage to work this out, awful situation. xxx3 -
spiriteagle99 wrote: »I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
While childhood obesity is certainly an issue, I would note that 130 lbs at 5 foot is in no way obese by adult BMI standards, and this kid is still growing! Although it's great to talk about nutrition and healthy choices and all, this kid does not need to lose weight - they need to gain self-esteem, and maybe take up a sport or something. Kids are really easily influenced at that age, and you don't want to encourage a lifetime of unhealthy weight obsession either.7 -
MegaMooseEsq wrote: »spiriteagle99 wrote: »I see so many obese children these days. In most cases their parents are also obese, so I can understand. Kids learn eating habits at home. Cupboards full of chips and cookies will get eaten. Since you already fix many of her meals and snacks and spend most of the day with her, you are actually in a good position to help her make better choices. She has asked for help in losing weight so you wouldn't be interfering or pushing her into something she doesn't want. Emphasize healthy choices and encourage physical activity, and show her appropriate serving sizes - and keep on listening to her.
While childhood obesity is certainly an issue, I would note that 130 lbs at 5 foot is in no way obese by adult BMI standards, and this kid is still growing! Although it's great to talk about nutrition and healthy choices and all, this kid does not need to lose weight - they need to gain self-esteem, and maybe take up a sport or something. Kids are really easily influenced at that age, and you don't want to encourage a lifetime of unhealthy weight obsession either.
But by child BMI standards, it is obese -- there is a different chart for children and teenagers.7 -
I've never quoted before so sorry if this turns out formatted incorrectly!If you take this on (you don't have a choice, by the way, she looks up to you) you should treat this as a way of teaching her what her body needs first. Tell here about exercise, about how she is growing still and needs more food than adults, do some research with her and show here all the things you do and don't know. Don't be afraid to tell here that you're scared of being a bad influence and show her that food and body shape can be an obsession. Most kids can handle the truth, but will see though lies in a second.
This is what worries me specifically. I feel like I don't want to be the one to introduce her to the internet world of dieting (we all know there's so much bad advice there). I don't even want her to know that she is able to find diet advice online. I'm also afraid that if nobody talks to her about she will just go online herself since she's expressed concerns to me and I'm not talking to her about It. I realize I might be overreacting because my parents were obsessive about my weight when I was growing up so I'm sensitive to it, but I don't even want to tell her that she's growing so she needs more food. I really just don't want her to think about quantity at all. I don't want to be the one to make her conscious of food quantity because that's when it (in my opinion) gets dangerous mentally. Especially at 11, I'm afraid she'll think "if I lose weight eating a little less I'll lose weight eating a lot less". But again, I'm not a parent and I'm sure you're far more experienced than I am regarding kids since you are one, so if it's worked for you it may not be as bad as I'm making it out to be.
This whole situation is making me feel icky and I really appreciate having so many of you talking this through with me.4 -
Hi,
As an overweight child I never trusted my parents with talking about my weight issues. After reading your post I can see it from your side and kaylas.
As others recommended, you should tell her parents to seek help from a dietician, and work from the plan they give for her. The hardest part is sticking to the diet. If kaylas parents are anything like mine, they wont understand if she breaks her plan and wont offer the kind of encouragement she needs.
Kayla is growing up, shes not 6 years old anymore. If she can start making progress now in a healthy manner, she wont resort to any dangerous methods in the future. All you have to do is be a supporting figure, not a nutritionist.
2 -
[quote="ngarci11;c-40084651"All you have to do is be a supporting figure, not a nutritionist.
[/quote]
This is what I'm comfortable with being too- supportive but not like some sort of authority figure regarding weight. Like making her healthy food, taking her on walks, and listening to her as another user recommended as well. That's my personal limit when it comes to involvement in her weight loss I think.
2 -
What they are asking you to do is be a nutritionist, coach, etc, on top of your babysitting/nanny job. That is taking advantage of you and your knowledge/skills. Not to mention that it's completely inappropriate.
They need to be able to communicate with Kayla, most importantly. Or it's going to be a very long hard drag for the entire family and their expectations. Woof.5 -
Oops I messed that quote up sorry!0
-
Honestly, I kinda agree that it's more important at this age to teach a kid to make good choices and keep junk food as a treat than to start counting calories. There's no reason why you can't bring it up with her as you give them snacks etc. But emphasize the importance of exercise and moving too (can you take her out on a bike or for a walk after school?).
I'd talk to the parents too about why she's so overweight - you're in charge of snacks and meals - what does she actually eat?1 -
It doesn't sound like a good position to be in because even if you felt great about teaching a child about eating etc, you and the parents are on completely different pages in terms of how to accomplish it. I would also be nervous because knowing a little about nutrition for adults isn't precisely the same as knowing what a growing 11 year old needs to have. I mean, you could research it, I'm not trying to put you down.... It's just that if you're giving a child health advice it's got to be tailored to her age and needs which isn't the same as what's working for you in all likelihood.
FWIW my parents were awful about my weight when I was growing up and the result was not good.1 -
EllieElla2015 wrote: »Thank you for all the input. I'm not sure if her parents have contacted a doctor- I doubt it to be honest. From what they've expressed to me, they see her weight as a direct result from overeating and lack of self restraint and not from a medication standpoint.
Her parents are not heavy.
I feel like part of the reason Kayla confided in me and not her parents regarding her weight is because I never bring it up. Kayla has told me her mother made comments while shopping regarding her size being bigger than average. I am really trying to avoid being another negative voice regarding her weight in her life. I feel like the most I would feel comfortable with is including her in my meal prep for her and telling her why I chose specific items versus others. Something like "I already gave you some grapes, so I'm going to add carrots to get both fruits and veggies". Or "I already added rice so now I'll add chicken". I cannot imagine myself saying "Read this calorie count and add it to this one then see if you reached X calories If you did, remove some X food."
I also don't know how to tell her parents this. Her mom called and asked me to stay around for a glass of wine after Kayla is in bed and I'm sure it'll be about my conversations with her today (or lack thereof). I also can't lie to them and say I am discussing calories with her when I'm not. I'm just so afraid to say no
Would you feel comfortable coming up with a plan with the parents that focuses on healthy behavior but not counting calories? For instance, ask if you can sign her up for a summer sports activity or if you guys can plant a garden, giving you an opportunity talk about healthy eating in terms of the vegetables that you grow, not in terms of eating too much/too little. Be frank with the parents and tell them that while you feel that you have a pretty good handle on your own nutrition, children are different and you aren't comfortable or qualified to talk about diet with their child without the guidance of a registered nutritionist who has experience working with kids. Let them know that you're on board with enforcing guidance from a qualified professional and ask if they're willing to arrange a consultation. Tell them that you will continue to model healthy behaviors and that you will do your best to answer any questions that Kayla has in a positive way, but you won't tell her that she has to eat less/lose weight.
Reinforce with Kayla that you think that she's a wonderful kid and that you want her to feel wonderful (healthy), too. Keep the conversation away from looks as much as possible, although since she's already expressed dismay at being 'different', that may be challenging.
OP- I hope that this works out for you. It seems clear that you care about the child as much as you care about your job9 -
janejellyroll wrote: »But by child BMI standards, it is obese -- there is a different chart for children and teenagers.
Good point - I do not have kids myself so I'm mostly just talking from my personal experience. That said, I would still tread lightly here. I was just about that height and weight after hitting puberty, which was right around that age. Yeah, it was on the chubbier side, but considering I maintained that height and weight into my late 20s, it was also just about where my body wanted to be.1 -
How about approaching it this way when they talk to you:
"I understand your concerns and I want Kayla to be happy and healthy, but I'm not a nutritionist or a dietician and I really don't know the ins and outs of anyone's proper diet but my own. You know I love Kayla and I'm more than happy to talk to her about making healthy choices and taking her out to play and get some exercise, but I wouldn't feel right telling her to eat less or lose weight. I'm not a doctor. I might say or do something that would hurt her in the long run, or make her unhealthy, and I'd just rather die than do that! I'll do anything to help her so...maybe you could take her to the pediatrician and see what (s)he has to say about Kayla's weight? If the doctor comes up with a eating plan, I'd be 100% happy to follow that and make sure she understands it."17 -
MegaMooseEsq wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »But by child BMI standards, it is obese -- there is a different chart for children and teenagers.
Good point - I do not have kids myself so I'm mostly just talking from my personal experience. That said, I would still tread lightly here. I was just about that height and weight after hitting puberty, which was right around that age. Yeah, it was on the chubbier side, but considering I maintained that height and weight into my late 20s, it was also just about where my body wanted to be.
I don't disagree about treading lightly, I was just pointing out that 130 at 5 feet is pretty large by child standards.0 -
Her parents are garbage for laying all this on you. Having said that, you can work this out so you can keep your job and help Kayla. Kayla probably spends more time with you than anyone else on the planet. She trusts you and will continue to trust you.
Your instincts are correct -- Do not focus on the scale or the calories with her. Do be truthful with her.0 -
I really hate to say this but based on what you've said there's a very good chance that they actually blame you for Kayla's weight but aren't prepared to admit it to you. You're their scapegoat and it's only a matter of time before you get blamed directly. Hopefully I'm way out in left field here.
I'd prepare for things to escalate at some point. You're in a very tough position. I feel for this little girl.12 -
Your not qualified in anyway to give nutrition and weight loss assistance to a potential pediatric client. Not sure why that is uncomfortable, because if someone asked me to play a nutritionist, or a doctor or even a pilot and it was not in the legal scope or ethical scope of what I do for a living, i would say no and it would feel like the right thing to do, right? Because you don't want me flying your plane if I don't have a pilots license, right? I wouldn't sheepishly avoid saying no, or feel uncomfortable it would be an immediate omg no, but I can find resources to help you find someone who is qualified. As a professional in anything you do, the first thing to consider is how ethical it is. You could potentially cause harm, and you certainly don't want that so the best thing you could do is encourage healthy snacks and get her outside doing activities she enjoys like maybe soccer, or playing tag. Talk with the parents about the appropriate thing to do because they will need to be educated as well by a family doctor and or nutritionist. The fact they were willing to choose you shows how little they know, and how potentially dangerous that could be. So, it is your job to do the right thing and point them in the right direction, it is your job to encourage healthy snacking and activities, so instead of watching a movie encourage a game of tag or go to the park or skating. When you feel uncomfortable the next time they ask, ask yourself, do I want to be responsible if she dies, or has a medical emergencies because of something you were not aware of or her parents? It is also illegal in some states to pose as a professional knowing that clients might not understand you are not licensed, so not only could the parents take you down in court if something were to happen, your state could take you down as well....and jail, doesn't sound like a lot of fun.3
-
ladyhusker39 wrote: »I really hate to say this but based on what you've said there's a very good chance that they actually blame you for Kayla's weight but aren't prepared to admit it to you. You're their scapegoat and it's only a matter of time before you get blamed directly. Hopefully I'm way out in left field here.
I'd prepare for things to escalate at some point. You're in a very tough position. I feel for this little girl.
I wanted to say this... you articulated it better.4
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.3K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 388 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.4K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 910 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.2K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions