11 year old & her parents asking/pressuring me to help her lose weight. I'm very uncomfortable

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Replies

  • bribucks
    bribucks Posts: 431 Member
    Came back to add - there are lots of good resources, activities, and even games geared toward kids on this site. https://www.choosemyplate.gov/kids

    Also, kids tend to mirror their parents whether they want to or not. Her parents might look fit & average weight - but so they have oreos in the house? Chips? Sugary cereal? Again, we all know that it's CICO and that these items aren't inherently bad, but it's really tough for a kid to have restraint, especially if she sees her parents eating those same things. If you decide to stay at this job, be sure to make that point to the parents. Chances are that if they put in extra effort to eat healthy, she will follow.
  • dkefover
    dkefover Posts: 1 Member
    I think you're in a great position to help a child -- on your terms. You're a role model to this little girl, if they replace you with a camp or someone else, you might actually end up hurting Kayla even more than if you just did it. I think you should tell them how you are going to help her, i.e. these are healthy choices, moderation is key, let's go for more walks/active time, and not be a harsh parent figure for her. I bet she will respond wonderfully. Teach her how to fish and she'll be able to feed herself for a lifetime. She just needs to be educated so that she doesn't struggle with her weight the rest of her life. Instill positive, healthy eating habits, and help a girl reach her full potential and happiness.
  • pita7317
    pita7317 Posts: 1,437 Member
    I will try to brief,but I was in the same position as a new stepmom decades ago. Never a fix to the problem situation, but was very tough for the youngest. Age 5-12, always heavier than all the other kids his age.
    Not saying it was best to let him to figure it out but actually it was, somewhat.
    Just like people posting about their spouses do not support their weight loss efforts.
    He is still big, but happy. He loves to cook. Self esteem over the top. Owns his own business. So ?
    To each their own ? Unfair for these parents to put this on your plate.

  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    I think you are wise to be cautious here. I agree with the previoys suggestion of trying to get the parents to seek advice from a pediatrician, and offering to go along too. I think you could add alot to that meeting since it sounds like you are quite familiar with kaylas likes/dislikes, and already nutritionally conscious. I am NO expert, but since it sounds like she is overweight, but not morbidly obease or anything, at her age I think they usually advise you to try to increase activity, make good food choices, and attemt to help them maintain their weight through puberty so they grow into it as apposed to attempting to actually lose weight.

    I am a bit confused about one thing though. It sounds like her parents already indentified her eating in secret or at school as part of the problem, how have they not linked that to her having that huge snack fund? That is absolutely something that needs to be addressed. It is unfair to expect you to be able to produce results if they aren't going to take care of that problem.
  • LynnJ9
    LynnJ9 Posts: 414 Member
    loneda wrote: »
    I don't really see anything wrong with it. Kayla has already confided in you that she is unhappy with her body and sees you as a role model. As a parent myself, I can completely see how a tween would feel more comfortable confiding in you, and the parents may see that this is an area you know more about than they do.

    I would totally disagree with you doing this behind her parents' back, but that is not the issue here.

    I would insist that she go to the pediatrician and a nutritionist/dietician and that she get a plan from them. That may help with the cake/healthy calories issue. But I think it is fine for you to help implement it for her, especially since you are the one preparing most of her meals.

    I agree, you don't have to tell her to go on a fad diet, or even a diet at all. But speaking to her about portion control, making healthy choices that will fill her up without consuming huge amounts of calories. Even talking to her about the benefits in her complexion when rating healthy are all positive things that will serve her well throughout her life.
    You aren't telling her she is fat, she is telling you she knows she is overweight. Her self esteem is being affected by her weight. Middle school is the worst time for girls, and your suppoting her to become the person she wants would be a great thing for her.
    By helping her learn to eat healthy, you may be keeping her from trying crazy diets, or from developing eating disorders.
    She obviously loves you and respects you. She has even reached out and asked you to help her learn portion control by asking about weighing her food. What a great opportunity to help a young lady learn she can achieve what she wants through mature and wise choices.
  • amyinthetardis1231
    amyinthetardis1231 Posts: 571 Member
    I agree with those recommending directing parents to talk to her pediatrician (understanding the parents may not listen). Nothing is simple around puberty. I was an extremely active, slim child before puberty. I was dancing 15 hours a week (ballet, serious training) when I hit puberty, and I still gained 20 lb in a year. I was working my *kitten* off, but I gained weight very quickly and it took a little while to level off and get back to a healthy, athletic build. Activity is good and important, but may not be the only factor to consider.

    Someone also commented above that this kid will need a therapist, and I agree. I am a therapist, and the clients i work with are the ones whose parents made nasty comments about their weight at a young age, made them feel like they'd never be good enough, and put them down. The ones in the best emotional shape are the ones who had someone who could be a positive influence in some way. The ones who struggle the most are the ones who had no one outside of their parents to teach them how to view themselves. Kayla's parents put you in a difficult position, and I don't blame you for being hesitant, but if you can be in any way a positive, supportive, caring influence in this child's life? You could be helping her more than you know.
  • BWA468
    BWA468 Posts: 101 Member
    I was quite chunky as a tween (and ever since!) and all my family used to go on about my weight and I already knew I was fat :( My mum used to force me to run and I have hated it ever since. Maybe speak to Kayla cause I think seeing a dietician would make her feel worse. It would have for me and would have been embarressing if kids at school found out. I wish I would have known more about portion control at her age. I ate reasonably well but ate too much of it. I tried restricting foods and all sorts of stupid things, keeping all this to myself because my weight was something I felt so bad about. All this made my weight worse as I got older let alone my self esteem. She doesnt need to calorie count but maybe explain why people lose weight/how it works. Say something like you burn more than you eat (but explain the HEALTHY way of doing that) and thats how you lose weight. Kids arent stupid and having a good base of knowledge now will help her in the long run. You could work out her calories yourself without going into that part of it with her (and make her lunches/dinners accordingly and allow extra for snacks) then maybe do some FUN exercise to burn off the extra. Dont say we are going to exercise. Just say lets do something fun! This way you are helping her out, she is going to love you for understanding her and it might hopefully help her self esteem and not research the cr*p on the internet. Also explain that it sucks to be her age with puberty etc and every girl feels inadequate even if they dont act like they are.

    This is all if there are no medical reasons though :)
  • cnbbnc
    cnbbnc Posts: 1,267 Member
    I only have a second but these are my quick thoughts. It sounds like this girl really wants some help. Yes...her parents should be doing it, but I think you can do some good for her simply by getting her active. Something sporty to play together. Walks. Bikes. Skating. Whatever will get her active while having fun. I also think you can help her with food choices without bringing calories and scales into it at all. Talk about what foods she enjoys that aren't junk and picking more of those daily? She seems to need someone to talk to in general as well. Sometimes kids relate better to someone who isn't a parental figure. More of a big sister/mentor...

    I dunno. I think this is something you could definitely try to do in a simple way.
  • goldthistime
    goldthistime Posts: 3,213 Member
    Another vote for just getting her active. I had a babysitter for my kids one summer who was a ball of energy, my two daughters were visibly slimmer and fitter at the end of the summer.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    Francl27 wrote: »
    I honestly fail to see how teaching her what's good for her body and what isn't will put her on the path for eating disorders. If she's already buying a lot of snacks at school to the point of getting obese... she already has an eating disorder. I honestly fail to see how explaining to her that some foods have more calories than others and will make her heavier is going to make things worse - the poor girl already has bad image issues. Maybe this way she would actually realize that her behavior is making it worse? The whole thing about letting your kid get fat just because you're worried about an eating disorder thing is just getting out of hand, IMO. At 11 they are mature enough to understand that some foods are healthier than others. Sure, it really should be the parents or pediatrician's job to explain it... but they might have a valid point if she looks up to you and might be more receptive to what YOU're telling her.

    It's absolutely possible to talk about calories, exercise, and healthy food, without telling a child that she's fat.

    But I'd definitely talk to the parents about getting rid of that school money altogether, so she has to eat what you pack and nothing else. Maybe find a diplomatic way of saying that even if you talk to her about healthier choices, it doesn't mean that she will make those healthier choices.

    Also, my kids learned in preschool what's healthy and what isn't. It's not like it's a huge secret that's going to damage every kid. It's useful knowledge. Honestly I'm just very confused because it makes no sense that the parents would want to ban all junk food yet give her snack money for school.

    Sure but this wasn't a "we're exploring avenues and would love to work with you to help our daughter" it was "we refuse to take any responsibility, and if you don't help we're going to ship her off to a camp and you lose your job" The manipulation is awful and the irresponsibility of allowing their child pretty much unlimited access to funds that she can spend on extra meals and junk. I'm sure I saw a comment earlier in the thread where the Mum makes passive aggressive comments to the child about her weight whilst out food shopping rather than educating her about healthy food and making healthy choices. And the OP is very correct to be cautious over how to approach the issue with the child without a medical professionals advice and little parental support.
  • Zinka61
    Zinka61 Posts: 563 Member
    I would educate the parents about how their pressure can backfire. If I were you, I'd tell them I"d be comfortable getting involved with this only after the girl has had a meeting with a nutritionist with you present if possible. Otherwise, I'd want only to teach in a general way what a calorie is, how too many rich treats can cause problems, portion control, healthy types of food, the importance of fruit and veggies for snacks, avoiding sugary drinks, etc. I was a chubby kid and well remember wishing more than anything I could be thin but not knowing how to get there. If you are with her all day, it seems like she's already learning from you. Maybe you could cook together to get her interested in the health aspects of food rather than the negatives? Get her involved in some fun exercise? I agree, it's a real shame if she can't confide in her parents about this, but it's great that you are there for her.
  • CatchMom11
    CatchMom11 Posts: 462 Member
    My nephew is 10 and overweight so I can assure you that these parents are doing what they think is best. My sister and BIL do the same thing with "my guy" and it's at the advice and suggestion of their family doctor. Just because she's 11 doesn't mean that it's something that should be ignored. If she feels insecure, there are healthy ways to help her develop a good/healthy relationship with food, just as you're doing for yourself.

    Does that mean that it's your place? No. Not by any means. Her parents may be worried that if they tackle it, they will handle it the wrong way seeing as they're not as clued in as you are. What I would suggest is for them to tackle this AS A FAMILY, but with the help of professionals to guide them. That's exactly what my sister's family has done and it's helping tremendously. They find activities to do together or with just a couple of them. My sister, BIL and both nieces are ALL contributing to the health and well being of my guy so that he doesn't see it as this is 'his' issue, but rather that it's something they're working on as a family. After 5 years of being her babysitter, it's very likely that you're not just the babysitter, but rather family and family is who we lean on and trust. So yeah, definitely blurred... :blush:

    So please, try to not to look at it negatively because you have a great opportunity here. I'm not suggesting that you take this on yourself, but perhaps give them some tips, but more so, I would highly recommend that they tackle this as a family and seek out the advice of a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I know 11 seems young for a PT, but my own daughter who is also 11 works with one for softball. They will develop a routine customized for her and her young body.

    I wish you the best of luck Ellie - it sounds like you've got a heart of gold!!!
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    @EllieElla2015 - so how did the 'meeting' go last night?
  • conniecas
    conniecas Posts: 2 Member
    edited July 2017
    I didn't read all the comments already posted so forgive me if this is redundant. I understand you wanting to keep your job, but given the scenario you've described, I think Kayla probably also needs you in her life and the positive role you can play for her might be another motivation for finding a way to navigate this difficult situation. Strong connections to adults beyond their parents enrich a child's life and help to provide them with safe space. Not trying to increase your sense of obligation, but just saying that there's a flip side to the idea that you could scar her, which is that you could also help to support her.

    I absolutely agree that no child, especially a girl of that age, needs more pressure about their weight, eating, appearance, etc. Maybe to appease the parents, you can agree to discuss with her, but focus your discussions on something other than Kayla. Since Kayla has asked you before about the ways you interact with food, maybe you could answer her questions about your food choices, but not make any suggestions to her about hers. That would leave it up to Kayla to decide how much she wants to know and whether she wants to make any changes to her eating. To me, you could actually serve a protective role if she's talking to you about it, because you would be there to help keep it in balance -- in addition to the damaging scenario of her feeling that healthy eating is being imposed on her, there is also the damaging scenario where she makes changes to her eating with little supervision and then ends up going too far. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I would think of your role as a support and let Kayla direct the conversation. Focus on positive questions that have to do with self-care -- it doesn't have to be "a plan" or restrictions, it can just be "am i still hungry?" or "am i getting enough veggies?". 100% agree that the scale should be left out of it. When I was a kid, we used the "food pyramid" to think about what should go into a meal/snack, and I don't think anyone thought that was too harmful. I would position any discussions hand in hand with other self-care, like rest/sleep, doing activities she enjoys, oral hygiene, etc. so that it's not about changes that are visible on the outside, but about ways of taking care of herself that make her feel good. It's also important to get everyone in the household participating (parents and siblings included). As a child, I hated feeling that I was being singled out as needing to eat better or behave better, because it implied that there was something wrong with me. If everyone does it together, it's more likely to be a positive experience and less likely to be interpreted as a slight.
  • ladyhusker39
    ladyhusker39 Posts: 1,406 Member
    Rusty740 wrote: »
    ladyhusker39 wrote: »
    I really hate to say this but based on what you've said there's a very good chance that they actually blame you for Kayla's weight but aren't prepared to admit it to you. You're their scapegoat and it's only a matter of time before you get blamed directly. Hopefully I'm way out in left field here.

    I'd prepare for things to escalate at some point. You're in a very tough position. I feel for this little girl.

    I don't agree with this assessment, and in any case it doesn't change your relationship with her. The parents are just trying to do their best for their child. They know full well how hard it is to get a good babysitter, nevermind how hard it would be to get one their kid actually likes and the fallout there would be from their kid if they did get someone else.

    Let's face it, you're doing parenting here and they know it.

    Maybe that's what it is. It's hard for us to tell, but they've already threatened to put the girl in summer camp in essence firing the OP at least for the summer. It doesn't bode well. Personally, I hope you're right, but I don't think so. It's sad for this child.
  • Mezzie1024
    Mezzie1024 Posts: 380 Member
    I would say that I would be happy to follow a meal plan developed by her pediatrician or other medical professional and that, while I know how to take care of my adult body, I am not aware how to meet a developing girl's nutritional needs. If that doesn't fly, then I'd start job-hunting, unfortunately.
  • eisterunicorn
    eisterunicorn Posts: 158 Member
    Can you let us know what happens? I'm curious. Really hope it all gets sorted out so everybody is okay with it and Kayla is happy :)
  • tabletop_joe
    tabletop_joe Posts: 455 Member
    These parents are giving me an ulcer and I don't even have to deal with them. My heart goes out to you. You should follow your instincts; it sounds like you have a good moral compass and care about this girl.
  • shans34
    shans34 Posts: 535 Member
    I have an 11 year old 5'1 and 130lbs. I've had to deal with this issue. Don't teach her to weigh food or about calories. Like I do for my daughter, I just keep healthy food on hand, make suggestions towards fruit for snacks and encourage activity. I would never "diet" a child. There is verifiable proof that dieting a child has strong affects towards lifelong weight battles and morbid obesity. (I'm a living example!!!) 11 year olds drop weight very quickly given the right tools! Those tools are mainly eating healthy foods and being active! No diet, no gimmicks, no weighing food, no restrictions!! I simply taught my daughter portion control in, one plate, one bowl of ice cream and started dancing with her. She is loosing weight, doesn't even recognize that I'm trying to help her lose weight, and she is having fun. That's all a kid needs! Tell her parents it's not your job or anyone else's to parent their kid. They should not succumb to pressure from nosy people. That little girl needs to know she is beautiful and the same as any other girl!
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
    edited July 2017
    I havent' read the other replies, but here's what i'd do and have to say:

    First and foremost, if you're the one responsible with making her lunch, dinner, snacks, desserts, etc. then you could very well be overfeeding her. Aside from the fact that it's really easy to over-eat as an adult, it's even harder for adults to properly judge portion sizes for children.

    At her current age, height, and weight she should be concerned and her parents should have already addressed the issue by taking her to her pediatrician years ago. At this point she's already in her pre-teens and I don't think at her current weight a full-force dietitian is necessary.

    Going forward, it's time to encourage healthy foods (not calories, not weighing and measuring, etc.) just as her parents have suggested (i.e. not eating cakes, candies, cookies, ice creams, etc.) and leaving those foods for special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.).

    One of the best thing you can do with children is teach and encourage a passion for cooking healthy meals. At her age she should already know how to make some simple meals for herself (like am omelet, sandwiches, wraps, pasta, baked potatoes, chopped salads, some meats like chicken breast/salmon which can be marinated and cooked in the over, some simple side dishes like brocolli, green beans, etc.). If she doesn't have these skills yet, then she needs to get cooking!

    Something you guys could try is watching an episode of good eats and then making the recipe together. Or, have her pick out a couple cook books (make sure they have bright vibrant pictures and are simple recipes) and go through the process with her.

    The end goal here would be a child who is not only capable of making food for herself, but someone who takes pride in the food they cook and eat. Taking her *own* lunch to school or making her own dinner is probably a huge motivator to stick to and actually eat her own hard work.

    Teaching her how to make healthy and tasty snacks based on her own preferences and replacing this with the granola bars and other high-calorie snacks around the house is also a good idea.

    In addition to this I would do my best to encourage her to find ways to be active. Sports are always my go-to choice as they are fun, engaging, and don't feel like strict "exercise". Put her through the ringer to find out what kind of sport best fits her. If nothing else going outside and throwing around a ball, playing some kickball, playing some badminton, learning carthweels, etc. is an option. Hell, take her rollerblading, swimming, bowling, etc. just get her started on some sort of activity.

    Essentially, you want to tackle the issue alongside her parents. While i totally understand you're uncomfortable, if she's been in your care for most of her life and for most of her waking hours you've got a responsibility to plan these activities when you're together. These simple things can also be done as something exciting and new and NOT a "hey, you're getting fat/are fat so we're putting you on this plan".

    that's my 2 cents.


    P.S. I think going to a summer camp is an excellent way for her to bond with other kids, have her portions watched, get plenty of exercise/activity/etc. Your own money aside, this sounds like an excellent opportunity for her.
  • ritzvin
    ritzvin Posts: 2,860 Member
    rainbowbow wrote: »
    I havent' read the other replies, but here's what i'd do and have to say:

    First and foremost, if you're the one responsible with making her lunch, dinner, snacks, desserts, etc. then you could very well be overfeeding her. Aside from the fact that it's really easy to over-eat as an adult, it's even harder for adults to properly judge portion sizes for children.

    At her current age, height, and weight she should be concerned and her parents should have already addressed the issue by taking her to her pediatrician years ago. At this point she's already in her pre-teens and I don't think at her current weight a full-force dietitian is necessary.

    Going forward, it's time to encourage healthy foods (not calories, not weighing and measuring, etc.) just as her parents have suggested (i.e. not eating cakes, candies, cookies, ice creams, etc.) and leaving those foods for special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.).

    One of the best thing you can do with children is teach and encourage a passion for cooking healthy meals. At her age she should already know how to make some simple meals for herself (like am omelet, sandwiches, wraps, pasta, baked potatoes, chopped salads, some meats like chicken breast/salmon which can be marinated and cooked in the over, some simple side dishes like brocolli, green beans, etc.). If she doesn't have these skills yet, then she needs to get cooking!

    Something you guys could try is watching an episode of good eats and then making the recipe together. Or, have her pick out a couple cook books (make sure they have bright vibrant pictures and are simple recipes) and go through the process with her.

    The end goal here would be a child who is not only capable of making food for herself, but someone who takes pride in the food they cook and eat. Taking her *own* lunch to school or making her own dinner is probably a huge motivator to stick to and actually eat her own hard work.

    Teaching her how to make healthy and tasty snacks based on her own preferences and replacing this with the granola bars and other high-calorie snacks around the house is also a good idea.

    In addition to this I would do my best to encourage her to find ways to be active. Sports are always my go-to choice as they are fun, engaging, and don't feel like strict "exercise". Put her through the ringer to find out what kind of sport best fits her. If nothing else going outside and throwing around a ball, playing some kickball, playing some badminton, learning carthweels, etc. is an option. Hell, take her rollerblading, swimming, bowling, etc. just get her started on some sort of activity.

    Essentially, you want to tackle the issue alongside her parents. While i totally understand you're uncomfortable, if she's been in your care for most of her life and for most of her waking hours you've got a responsibility to plan these activities when you're together. These simple things can also be done as something exciting and new and NOT a "hey, you're getting fat/are fat so we're putting you on this plan".

    that's my 2 cents.


    P.S. I think going to a summer camp is an excellent way for her to bond with other kids, have her portions watched, get plenty of exercise/activity/etc. Your own money aside, this sounds like an excellent opportunity for her.

    100% agree.

    including the cutting out the cakes, cookies except for special occasions.. Stuff that calorie dense is really hard to make fit into a healthy diet on any regular basis for a less than active female (as in stringent pre-planning and counting of calories to get that turnover/slice of cake to fit on a non-cardio day)- if she does get regularly, actively involved in a sport, then probably no need to cut them out, but minimal exercise likely won't be enough.

    Giving them some idea of approximately how many calories they need in a day can be a good idea too, I think. I picked up an individually packaged piece of streusel the other day in the checkout/impulse lane and checked the back - 450 calories! (I may have audibly blurted out "No wonder everyone is so g'd *kitten* fat!" while putting it back). Someone who didn't know their weight-training-rather-than cardio-day maintenance was less than 4x that (in my case ~1530) would probably not realize just how ridiculously high that is (ie most kids in the quickie mart after school) and how much those calories add up if it isn't a rare occasion.
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