Feeling frustrated with my family
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Muscleflex79 wrote: »imanibelle wrote: »I give up. I don't think anyone understands what's frustrating me. It's just a dumb rant. Thanks to those who replied, but I'm out.
what kind of responses were you hoping for?? people told you to work with what you have while you are there...what else were you hoping to hear??
I didn't make this post to complain or ask what to do about the types of food that are available here. I know I need to make do with the food I have and I'm doing it gladly. I made this post as a vent because I'm frustrated that when I make efforts I'm told what I'm eating is unhealthy, but there are no healthier alternatives. I guess it makes me annoyed and doesnt make any sense to me. But whatever. Probably shouldn't have even posted.1 -
Sounds to me like he could be jealous that you're losing some weight and he hasn't gotten motivated to start trying himself.6
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I don't think he's trying to make me fail or be miserable. I think he wants to be healthier, but just isn't doing it right now. It just frustrates me that my efforts get criticized as not healthy and that mixed messages are being sent. I shouldn't get mad about it, but I try not to be rude to him because hes my dad and just felt the need to vent here.
Seems like it's all or nothing - either we all eat nothing but fried chicken and au gratin potatoes or we ban a bunch of foods and go on some expensive food regime. Why can't we be more moderate and just eat better with less portions and not fry everything or put butter on everything? Oh, right, thats unhealthy because it might involve eggs or oatmeal.
I know I come off as horrible person on here, but it just makes no sense. I never tell my dad what he should or shouldn't eat.3 -
I'd say your dad maybe feels defensive of his own food choices. There's not much you can do about that, but eat what you can and just let him know you appreciate his supporting you and helping you during this time. And vent on MFP if needed
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240 to 180s is a gigantic weight loss -- especially with a limited variety of food to choose from! Your dad probably sees that you've done what he hasn't even though he has the ability to make the same food choices, and he's (maybe subconsciously) sabotaging your efforts to show that the weight loss is not sustainable in the long run.
Once you are able to buy your own food, consider eating a very healthy lunch while you're out of the house (grocery stores often have reasonably priced to-go meals, like salads with chicken) and eat what your dad offers while at home. Maybe buy some vegetables you think your dad will eat and share them at dinnertime. My thinking is not to alienate your dad by seeming like you are "better than him" but to gradually help him add more varied and vitamin-rich foods to his diet. You could even buy and cook dinner one or two nights a week.0 -
imanibelle wrote: »Muscleflex79 wrote: »imanibelle wrote: »I give up. I don't think anyone understands what's frustrating me. It's just a dumb rant. Thanks to those who replied, but I'm out.
what kind of responses were you hoping for?? people told you to work with what you have while you are there...what else were you hoping to hear??
I didn't make this post to complain or ask what to do about the types of food that are available here. I know I need to make do with the food I have and I'm doing it gladly. I made this post as a vent because I'm frustrated that when I make efforts I'm told what I'm eating is unhealthy, but there are no healthier alternatives. I guess it makes me annoyed and doesnt make any sense to me. But whatever. Probably shouldn't have even posted.
We tend to be problem solvers in this forum. So present us with a problem, and we are going to want to try to solve it, even if you make it very clear that you just wanted to vent. But you didn't really make that clear. You gave us lots of detail to work with. I think you'll get more support and less problem solving in the Support Forum.9 -
Thx to everyone who replied, even those who said i sound unappreciative. Venting makes stuff better and I feel a little calmer now. I'll take your advice into consideration. Also, could be true that I don't appreciate it. However, that doesn't get rid of the frustration and I probably should just move out when I get the resources.2
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Sometimes parents respond with anger when their child makes choices beyond the parent's experience. Parents who don't have much formal education sometimes criticize their children for wanting to finish high school or go to college. I don't know what causes this, maybe it's fear of being left behind or feeling inadequate. I understand the frustration - you're doing a great thing to live a better life, and they aren't supporting you in that. They are supporting you in some things, though, so hopefully you can ride it out and keep working towards the life you want. I wish you the best of luck!4
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I think there are people who get it... but 90 minutes isn't a lot of time to give a thread before quitting
And I think you're totally right to feel frustrated.
You've identified the differences of opinion, the inconsistencies, and the factual inaccuracies, and I can only sympathise that it must be so hard when those things are said by your family, who are normally the first people that any of us would want to turn to for support.
Sometimes it's good to rant, and sometimes this is just the sort of place where you can!
I guess it'll be hard, but maybe countering your dad with the fact that you feel a lot better from eating slightly plainer food might be hard but might be a start.
I think he might offer you the unhealthy food because it's a way he has of showing love, and that he's able to provide for you. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that it doesn't come from a bad place. Maybe it's all he feels like he has to offer, which could equally feel tough for him.
Hang in there until the pay check - it's only a couple more weeks.
And it sounds counter-intuitive, but maybe a massive hug for your dad, let him you know love him, and that you appreciate that he can and is providing for you. But also that you feel this is something you want to do and need to do, and just like you training and starting a job, it's part of the choices you'd start to like to make for your adult life.
Can you offer him a trade where you eat his meal every so often (portion controlled!) and in exchange he can eat what you make every so often? (Maybe he's scared to try new foods, or is worried about not knowing how to prepare them - surprisingly common.)
Good luck with it, and MASSIVE well done on the 60lbs lost so far!8 -
I have been both heavy and thin, and I've noticed that when I am losing, there are often people who see what I'm eating and comment negatively about it. It's often along the lines of "that's IT? that's not healthy!" when it's something small like an egg. I am sure that if I had always been thin and eating "just an egg", they wouldn't think twice, but after seeing me it much larger quantities and then going down to something small, it just doesn't sit right with them.
The same holds true for my weight. I had a woman I know tell me not to lose any more weight because I was starting to look too thin. I was 180 at 5'5". I told her she just wasn't used to seeing me that weight and she realized how silly it sounds to tell someone that they are too thin at 180lbs, and she agreed that she just wasn't used to it.
Your dad is used to large quantities of unhealthy food, so seeing you eat something small would be disconcerting for him, and he also probably doesn't want to face the fact that healthy eating looks DRASTICALLY different from what he enjoys.5 -
Here is what may be happening:
Father has heard for years eggs are bad, carbs are bad, fat is bad, white foods are bad. Years of diet propaganda and confusion. Perhaps he doesn't really know why or is not aware that thinking has changed. Perhaps he is resisting changing his own diet because he thinks he will have to eat stuff he doesn't like.
You could try explaining to your father that these foods have nutrients that help you meet your goals and preferences and are fine for you to eat. If he doesn't want to eat them then he does not have to.
Thank them for providing food no matter how frustrated you are about their choices and comments.
Compliment and talk up any choices you really like. "This oatmeal recipe is amazing! It is hard to believe it is low calorie, etc and so tasty."
Cook for yourself. Offer to plan meals and cook for everyone a few nights a week.
Ask for the foods you would really like to eat. Buy some of your own food.
I lived with my parents as an adult. I bought some of my own groceries. I cooked for everyone often. They were usually willing to buy some stuff I liked and wanted. I didn't talk about their food choices and they didn't talk about mine.5 -
I don't know if you are able to do this, but, here is a link to the current USDA dietary guidelines: https://www.choosemyplate.gov/dietary-guidelines...
Maybe if you could show them that you are following USDA advice for portions and types of foods that may help?
Good luck with your parents!
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Thanks, everybody. I'll try your advice, especially USDA advice, though with not many healthy ingredients I probably won't be cooking anyone dinner besides me. Noone else will want eggs and oatmeal for dinner lol. But I'll try the other advice. 3
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imanibelle wrote: »Muscleflex79 wrote: »imanibelle wrote: »I give up. I don't think anyone understands what's frustrating me. It's just a dumb rant. Thanks to those who replied, but I'm out.
what kind of responses were you hoping for?? people told you to work with what you have while you are there...what else were you hoping to hear??
I didn't make this post to complain or ask what to do about the types of food that are available here. I know I need to make do with the food I have and I'm doing it gladly. I made this post as a vent because I'm frustrated that when I make efforts I'm told what I'm eating is unhealthy, but there are no healthier alternatives. I guess it makes me annoyed and doesnt make any sense to me. But whatever. Probably shouldn't have even posted.
There is a blog function of this website if you didn't want responses to your vent, just for future reference. Although you did get a lot of good advice moving forward.
Sometimes it's nice to get thoughts out in private. But that won't happen on a forum where others are free to reply. I wish you luck until you can move out.3 -
This sounds incredibly frustrating! The end of the month can't come soon enough for you!1
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He may be frustrated with himself for not doing something he knows he needs to do/wants to do and is projecting that on you. I sometimes do this to my husband when I'm frustrated with myself
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Conversation
"Eggs, oatmeal, fish and rice aren't healthy."
"Dad, I've lost 60 lbs eating this way and I plan on losing more. It would be nice if you could support me instead of criticizing me. I didn't ask for your advice, I asked for support."
Tell him what you need. He might want to help but doesn't know how to.3 -
Sounds to me that Dad has put the "healthy eating" in the too hard basket and has decided that unless you're subsiding on steamed veg and fish, you aren't being healthy, so there's no point in even trying. He just projecting his issues on to you.
Healthy isn't an is or isn't proposition. It's a scale. And when you might not be able to hit "healthy", "healthiER" is a perfectly acceptable alternative. You've lost a tremendous amount of weight doing what you're doing, and that's done wonders for your body, even if you may stand to be getting in some more vitamins and nutrients and variety of foods.
Keep doing what you're doing, keep mastering the "uh-huh, Dad" and count down to the end of the month. Heck, he may eventually realise there's something to be learned from you.1 -
There are people in this world that refuse to admit how unhealthy they truly are. Your dad sounds like one of them. His denial is then verbalized by justifying his dietary habits. Take some advice from the penguins of Madagascar: smile and wave boys, smile and wave. Ignore his commentary and just keep on doing the best you can.1
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My flat is being renovated and because of that I had to move back home for some weeks. I feel your frustration, I've had quite a few arguments with my parents and some good talks that cleared the air. I think, sometimes it's more healthy to really have an argument than to bottle everything up.
My situation is different from yours as I do have enough money to just buy food and my parents do eat quite well. It might be an idea to try and change just a bit of the food that is being bought. Both sides are not satisfied with what the other group is eating. Maybe you can compromise on something that you both agree on that is healthy that you can both integrate into your diet? Some kind of vegetable? Some lean meat?
The idea of cooking for the whole family is a good one, too. If you tell them, you want to cook on the next weekend, you can give them a list of things you need.
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