Discussing food and weight with your teenager
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I agree with those that say to encourage more physical activity. When I was growing up my mom nagged me all the time about eating, and I wasn't fat or overweight. I weighed about 105 lbs. during highschool. I realized later in life that my mom had her own eating/food issues, and I think that's why she kept on me--projection. I didn't have weight problems until later when I was living on my own, but she did not teach me about nutrition at all. In fact, she couldn't cook so I did most of the cooking. I did learn how to cook and knew enough about nutrition, but her nagging did leave me with some body/self esteem issues.
I don't have children myself, but aside from encouraging physical activity and participating in it as a family if possible, if I were a mom, I would include my children in planning and cooking meals. Who plans the meals and cooks in your home? Do the children help? This would be a way to positively help her to understand about nutrition, so that she learns how to plan, understands what is going into the meals and how to prepare them.5 -
As someone who started to "fill out" when she was 9 and continued until she ballooned up into obese territory for two decades, I honestly wish someone had sat down with me and had a discussion about my weight and health. I knew I was bigger than the other people my age, and it affected my self-esteem hugely, but my family never said anything to me and never modeled healthy eating habits. My mother was overweight but not hugely so, and my father had to be under a certain weight for the military, but we weren't very active as a family and things that should have been "sometimes" treats were an every day occurrence (or even twice a day). No one in my family ever criticized my weight - they never spoke about my weight/health at all. Who knows if someone had honestly and kindly spoken to me about my weight, maybe I wouldn't have been obese through my teens and 20s and left with all the physical and emotional scars that brings?
I don't have kids yet, but I'd hope that we could have honest conversations about nutrition, weight, fitness and health. Your daughter could just be putting on some weight for a growth spurt, and talking to her doctor about your concerns would be my first go-to response. However, there's no reason not to have conversations about nutrition and fitness - always from the perspective of being healthy and taking care of the only body we get.12 -
lucerorojo wrote: »I agree with those that say to encourage more physical activity. When I was growing up my mom nagged me all the time about eating, and I wasn't fat or overweight. I weighed about 105 lbs. during highschool. I realized later in life that my mom had her own eating/food issues, and I think that's why she kept on me--projection. I didn't have weight problems until later when I was living on my own, but she did not teach me about nutrition at all. In fact, she couldn't cook so I did most of the cooking. I did learn how to cook and knew enough about nutrition, but her nagging did leave me with some body/self esteem issues.
I don't have children myself, but aside from encouraging physical activity and participating in it as a family if possible, if I were a mom, I would include my children in planning and cooking meals. Who plans the meals and cooks in your home? Do the children help? This would be a way to positively help her to understand about nutrition, so that she learns how to plan, understands what is going into the meals and how to prepare them.
I love this idea, thanks!
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You make most of the meals, I assume? Just make those the best healthiest things they can be and it could help offset some of her choices. I have a history of eating disorders on both ends of the spectrum so my mum never commented on my weight as a teen or even at my heaviest a couple of years ago, which I appreciated, but she would always try to make me food that was going to help me. Not even necessarily 'low calorie' or 'high calorie' depending on where my weight was, just lots of vegetables and good stuff. To be honest, it was eerie how sneaky she was about giving me good food. I never questioned it that way because that's just what mums do isn't it? Take care of you with food? JSYK, my mum never under/overfed me, she suffered an ED in her teens/early 20s too and takes great pains to be as healthy about food/portion sizes/types of food (nothing is off limits) as she can without ever imposing anything on me and my brother, so my weight gain was all self imposed emotional eating. In fact, I would have never known she had an ED if I hadn't seen pictures of her and asked her about it.
If your daughter actually becomes overweight then I might consider saying something just because I know now how much I wish someone had stopped me from gaining. Tell it to her straight: it's not about the weight, it's about her health which will suffer the bigger she gets. If she still wants to eat whatever she wants, you know you've said your piece. I think it's about how you frame it. Health over aesthetic.
About her hips though, I'd ask her if it's general complaining or if she's actually upset about how they look. Just because if she's truly unhappy with a part of her body then that's something you guys need to talk about. If reassuring her isn't working then maybe she needs to address what upsets her about them. I only say that because if you can nip body image issues in the bud then she'll be a lot happier in the long term. Good luck with your daughter, you probably don't have anything to worry about but it's good you're aware of it before/if it starts.
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TavistockToad wrote: »Javagal2778 wrote: »I have a 14 yr old daughter who loves food! She has always been at a healthy weight but in the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that she is filling out. I'm meticulously weighing and logging so she is seeing that. It doesn't seem to affect her choices. On the one hand, I'm glad that she is not self conscious or worried about her weight or what she eats. On the other hand, I do worry that she is going to get there if she continues to get heavier.
How have you/do you broach this topic (if at all) with your teenager?
there is a difference between 'filling out' which you would expect a 14 year old to do, and 'getting fat'?
personally i am not convinced that her watching you meticulously weighing and measuring is a good thing, have you had a conversation about why you need to do that?
This. Also re. encouraging physical activity: while logical and healthy, this could very much be seen as a judgment about daughter's body/weight, especially if it's a new thing. Teens aren't stupid; they can sense judgment even if it's not explicit (or even if it's imaginary in some cases). Tread lightly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WKRsHgYIoE
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TavistockToad wrote: »Javagal2778 wrote: »I have a 14 yr old daughter who loves food! She has always been at a healthy weight but in the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that she is filling out. I'm meticulously weighing and logging so she is seeing that. It doesn't seem to affect her choices. On the one hand, I'm glad that she is not self conscious or worried about her weight or what she eats. On the other hand, I do worry that she is going to get there if she continues to get heavier.
How have you/do you broach this topic (if at all) with your teenager?
there is a difference between 'filling out' which you would expect a 14 year old to do, and 'getting fat'?
personally i am not convinced that her watching you meticulously weighing and measuring is a good thing, have you had a conversation about why you need to do that?
This. Also re. encouraging physical activity: while logical and healthy, this could very much be seen as a judgment about daughter's body/weight, especially if it's a new thing. Teens aren't stupid; they can sense judgment even if it's not explicit (or even if it's imaginary in some cases). Tread lightly.
This. My dad used to always tell me guys wouldn't like that I walked too fast or wore clothes that were too baggy (it was the late 80's/early 90's) I brushed it off, but it still hurt.
Then when fashions got more fittedhe would send me back to my apartment to change before taking the family out to dinner! Couldn't win.2 -
I would personally not buy junk food or soda and if she mentions it say it's because you can't trust yourself with it. And have lots of yummy cut up veggies and fruit and nuts. As we all know, it's a lot easier to take off five pounds than 40.4
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TavistockToad wrote: »Javagal2778 wrote: »I have a 14 yr old daughter who loves food! She has always been at a healthy weight but in the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that she is filling out. I'm meticulously weighing and logging so she is seeing that. It doesn't seem to affect her choices. On the one hand, I'm glad that she is not self conscious or worried about her weight or what she eats. On the other hand, I do worry that she is going to get there if she continues to get heavier.
How have you/do you broach this topic (if at all) with your teenager?
there is a difference between 'filling out' which you would expect a 14 year old to do, and 'getting fat'?
personally i am not convinced that her watching you meticulously weighing and measuring is a good thing, have you had a conversation about why you need to do that?
This. Also re. encouraging physical activity: while logical and healthy, this could very much be seen as a judgment about daughter's body/weight, especially if it's a new thing. Teens aren't stupid; they can sense judgment even if it's not explicit (or even if it's imaginary in some cases). Tread lightly.
This could be true, especially if the encouragement is something new. If she is getting heavier she'll know it. And if you suddenly start encouraging her to exercise she will likely tie that in her mind to the extra weight.2 -
My husband and I eat well and exercise a lot, so it just seemed normal to say to our kids when they stopped playing little league, etc., "Want go for a run with me?" My 12 yr old daughter is actually taking teen spin with me tonight. So it's never been a judgment thing or related to weight. My kids do see that I weigh and portion out my food, and I have explained that in order to stay the size I am at, I have to be careful about how much and what I eat. we do say things like, "Not going to eat a pizza tonight, we just went out for dinner last night so I'm making grilled chicken" as part of the way we talk about eating healthy.
I don't tell them when I am dieting but it's not obvious because I always am watching quantities--they don't know I'm eating 3/4 a cup of cooked oatmeal instead of a cup, etc. So far so good in terms of no body image issues I perceive (beyond my 14 yr old son wanting a six pack--I think that's akin to a teen girl wanting boobs!) and they are at healthy weights...I would hope that if they started to get above a healthy weight range, they'd understand the "eat less after you ate more" concept we've always modeled.5 -
Prepare healthy (high-volume with lots of veggies and protein) meals for your family and stay active with your daughter. Bike rides, walks, whatever interests the both of you. It's a great time to bond while doing something active.
My mom said some nasty things to me when I was a young, slightly-pudgy teenager that still stick with me and make me feel self-conscious. A little comment here and there, even said as "a joke", can be really damaging.
So just focus on providing a healthy home atmosphere for your daughter and let her make her own choices.0 -
Goober1142 wrote: »I would personally not buy junk food or soda and if she mentions it say it's because you can't trust yourself with it. And have lots of yummy cut up veggies and fruit and nuts. As we all know, it's a lot easier to take off five pounds than 40.
I don't think cutting out all junk food is a great idea either. Teaching that these are treats and should not be the bulk of your diet seems more realistic. But again, if they've been raised on unlimited junk food this will likely be tied to any type of weigh gain they may experience. It's going to be very tricky to suddenly introduce healthy eating and exercise habits at this stage. Not saying it can't be done, but it's going to be a more delicate process than if they'd been taught this all their lives.5 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Goober1142 wrote: »I would personally not buy junk food or soda and if she mentions it say it's because you can't trust yourself with it. And have lots of yummy cut up veggies and fruit and nuts. As we all know, it's a lot easier to take off five pounds than 40.
I don't think cutting out all junk food is a great idea either. Teaching that these are treats and should not be the bulk of your diet seems more realistic. But again, if they've been raised on unlimited junk food this will likely be tied to any type of weigh gain they may experience. It's going to be very tricky to suddenly introduce healthy eating and exercise habits at this stage. Not saying it can't be done, but it's going to be a more delicate process than if they'd been taught this all their lives.
I agree. I find that once you make something "forbidden," then it becomes all they want. My kids get some "junk food", but they also get fruit, yogurt, milk, whole grain crackers, and they enjoy those just as much.6 -
My daughter hikes with me. I dont discuss calorie burns or the extra yummys i can eat, we just treat it as a family day out
My daughter is aware of her weight. Shes disabled so the hospital weigh her at every single appointment
On holiday to see relatives re ently they pushed food at her constantly ( chocolate for breakfast, double meals, constant snacks etc ) she gained a stone in a week so i had to re explain sometimes foods ( cakes, biscuits, sweets etc ) and all the time foods ( fruit, veggies, protiens )
I made sure to remind her that shes meant to get bigger, all kids have to grow but that the doctors want that to be a steady grow not big jumps and drops ( meds are worked out by weight, some get a tad huffy when she gains/loses )1 -
Kids are different. The one size fits all approach may not be the best route. You know your daughter best. I was overweight in high school, with stained teeth and brittle hair from poor nutrition. My parents never said a word. I would have loved for them to try to help me, as long as it was coming in a kind, gentle way. I had no idea how to fix the problem myself.Mom of 14yo here. Make no comments on her weight, appearance, or eating habits. None. Not any. Mouth closed.5 -
I was an overweight mom who raised two healthy, normal weight teenagers. I did not bug them about their weight or body image. I did not question their food choices. I stocked the cupboard and the fridge. Good food choices were always available along with some "junk" food.
I did talk about healthy eating and the Canada Food guide was on the fridge.
Don't make it about body image, discipline, self worth, or bad foods.4 -
I would agree the outright saying anything isn't a good idea. That is the kind of thing that sticks with someone that young. If you're worried about the volume of food she eats, maybe try to slowly replace snacks that are highly-caloric and easy to overeat (not all sweets, leave some for treats) with more lower cal foods she likes already? Apples, bananas, whole grain crackers, veggies, etc? Maybe even introduce new things like Boom Chicka popcorn? Then her choices will be limited (but not super restricted, especially if you pick healthy things she already likes)
You're already doing awesome by being a good example. Asking her to 'help' you exercise or join you on a hike or something would be a good idea too!! Maybe she'll discover a love of these activities too!
I hope everything works out for you! Keep the good example going!!!
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Dang, being a teen is tough. Smart enough to see through well-meaning adult's best efforts but without the tools and experience to pilot the ship alone.
I just wanted to lend some support. Good luck to you and your daughter. May your love for each other guide you through! 10 -
I wish my parents had coached me on proper nutrition and had set a good example for me as a teenager. I managed a decent weight in my teens because I was super active, but you can imagine what happened when I left for college knowing nothing about quality eating, or vegetables that weren't in a can.2
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It depends. It is normal to be growing and filling out. If your child is at a healthy weight I would not say a word. If they put on a lot of weight quickly, stopped growing before hey should, developed strange eating habits or lost a bunch of weight maybe there is reason to be concerned. Then you should probably approach it like a health issue and get some medical input and discuss what is healthy. But just because someone might get overweight doesn't mean you should say something when they are not. Just be a good example and provide nutritious food choices.
My teen dd had not gained weight for awhile and was underweight for her height. We took her to the doctor and talked about it there from a health stand point. We started tracking dd's food intake. Switched to full fat dairy, more protein, more calorie dense foods for her. She is gaining. It was a situation where she really needed some help.4 -
My divorced parents had different takes on this: one didn't say a thing and the other said incredibly damaging things about our weight, their weight, weight loss, food and nutrition etc.
Neither approach worked--all siblings had weight issues--but I feel like saying nothing was at least fairly neutral in that it didn't impart negative associations with food and an active lifestyle. Whereas the "let's do activities you're in no way prepared to do" and accurate but extremely insensitive impromptu nutrition lessons left me feeling alienated and filled with loathing--for myself, for the situation which felt flimsy and artificial, and sadly towards healthy eating.
Anyhow, some things can be taught and not learned--unfortunately for me, they must be learned first hand with an adult brain and full emotional toolbox. We'd like to protect our children against the pain of being overweight, but we must be so, so careful to not inflict harm in the process. And we also have to let them learn how to make decisions for themselves as they get older. It's hard to start handing over that control to them because we want the best, and we want to avoid failing them, even for selfish reasons (I can't believe another commenter invoked calling CPS on the parents of fat kids--that's big time judgement I wouldn't want to feel). Best of luck.5 -
I'n not a parent but I work with that age group and I think the best approach to take is to focus more on making healthy choices and getting the right macros than actual weight.
Teenagers change so much between 14 and adulthood while it's likely that she's just going through a growth spurt, I don't think it would be wise to totally ignore it. Waiting until she is clearly obese is, in my opinion, neglectful.3 -
A bit before 14 (I think 12 or 13) I gained about 30lbs. My mom was super concerned but never said anything to me because she never wanted to project her worries on me. Before that I was pretty lanky, always tall for my age. She asked my doctor if I was ok and he said "I think she's ready for a growth spurt". By 14 I was 5'11. Growing 10" in one year. Please OP, try and wait this out. Your daughter's body is changing so much at this age and it will continue to change until she's an adult. Teach her good nutrition and make sure she's active.9
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I've just turned 20 and have a slightly younger brother so I'm pretty familiar with teens and weight issues. Overall I think the simplest answer is that you know your daughter better than anyone on here so you probably know what kind of approach works best for her. Personally, I have always preferred it when someone sat me down and told me straight however my brother tends to shut down when my mum tries to discuss those issues with him.
I'm not a parent so am no expert there but surely being as honest and open as you can with your teen is the best thing you can do? If you think she's genuinely becoming overweight (not just 'filling out' but actually overweight) and it's negatively impacting her health then it's probably better that she hears it from you in a supportive environment rather than people making comments at school.
If it is simply a case of a girl developing a womans body then I wouldn't say anything about the changes. Even though it's perfectly natural, I 'developed' when I was young and people commenting (even positive comments) did make me feel concious when I was a young teen and was more of a tomboy.
When it comes to the types of food she eats, now is probably a good time to discuss nutrition and healthy lifestyle regardless of weight or bodily changes. Not in terms of weight and weight loss but in terms of nutrients, being strong and feeling good and setting herself up for a healthy future (that's actually why I want to develop healthy habits now. I might be young and could get away with eating cr*p but if I get addicted to that then as I get older it will catch up with me as I've seen it happen to a lot of people). And like a lot of people here have said, try and be active!0 -
With my kids I had two who had "normal" appetites, and one who could eat the door off the fridge, and it showed. So we kept no junk in the house. Junk was for meals out and occasional treats.
I would serve the portion of carbs on the plate with the serving of protein, bowls of veggies and salads were on the table where the kids could serve themselves as much as they liked.
I talked about bodies needing protein and fruit/vegetables to grow and that other foods were just not heart healthy if consumed in great quantities. Husband is a dentist, so that also led to discussions of dental health and how to grow, and keep, strong teeth.
If there is junk in the house they will eat junk.
We baked treats if people were coming over for dinner, but not otherwise.
I also taught my kids how to read labels from being very young. They could choose any cereal with less than 9g of sugar a serving. More than that they just did not bother asking. Same for granola bars etc.
Ignoring good nutrition is neglectful, no need to call a child fat in order to help them understand what a body needs to grow. Simple foods, served in tasty ways.4 -
I also taught my kids how to read labels from being very young. They could choose any cereal with less than 9g of sugar a serving. More than that they just did not bother asking. Same for granola bars etc.
Ignoring good nutrition is neglectful, no need to call a child fat in order to help them understand what a body needs to grow. Simple foods, served in tasty ways.
I think this is really important. First, as everyone has stated above, 14 is a tough age, and sometimes it's just a growth into puberty that may be the culprit.
From personal experience, I came from a good old german household that fried everything, rarely ate vegetables unless it was 'cream of corn' or some other atrocity, and I never developed good eating habits. These bad food habits combined with occasional fad diets (think poorly cooked tofu in every meal you ate) that my mother was on again off again, and derogatory pet names from my dad throughout puberty ('Thunder thighs, etc.) I was primed for an eating disorder that lasted over 15 years.
Kids are sensitive. That means to words, and also to actions.
I look back and think about how all my weight issues (and poor relationship with food) could have been largely avoided if I was given proper role models and taught about nutrition from an early age. Simple things like having a salad with every meal (not drenched in ranch), or making sure I understood what 'hungry' really is. Hungry for junk is a lot different than hungry for real food. If the latter isn't provided in a healthy framework, then the learning curve for a teenager (or anyone really) is much longer and harder.
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Encourage her to go with you hiking, biking, etc. And try to keep fresh fruits/veggies on hand all the time. I've slowly replaced the majority of our junk food with healthier options and it's just become habit to reach for the apples (probably mostly due to the fact that there aren't any chips lol). 14 is a hard age and I agree with others -don't mention it unless it becomes a problem. She's probably not done growing upward anyway!1
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I agree with all of this too.
I think the best thing to do would be improve the overall household diet (more veggies at every meal for example) BUT not with cutting out all junk the girl may have previously enjoyed.
I wouldn't say I was a secret binge eater as a teen, but I had a weight problem my entire life and when my stepmom decided to go on a diet, it just made me that much more likely to buy a lot of candy when I was out with my friends because the cupboard/fridge at our house was the typical early 90s low-fat, sugar free, low carb everything, skim milk and the like. It just made me more interested in the whole milk and Oreos at friends' homes.
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Depends on how you discuss it with them. There's TALKING AT THEM and then there's TALKING TO THEM. I work with kids during the school year and many I have a great relationship with. Especially the nerdy non active ones. Because I look fit to them, many have asked how I do it because I don't resemble how their dad's look. And I'm honest by telling them I eat what I want, just not too much of it. My DD eats the same way as does my DW. And none of us are out of shape. Kids don't want to hear what they can't do. They'd rather hear what's allowable.suzannesimmons3 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Mom of 14yo here. Make no comments on her weight, appearance, or eating habits. None. Not any. Mouth closed.
Would you say this even if the teenager becomes overweight or even obese? Just sit by and watch your child destroy her health? Would you say the same if she were drinking alcohol or smoking or in some other way endangering her health?
For all of the above you can preach until you are blue but they will do what they want regardless.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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When I hit puberty (probably even slightly before . . .) I hugely ballooned up. I constantly snacked, ate whatever I wanted that was in the house for breakfasts and lunches, and got myself seconds and thirds after dinner. My father was morbidly obese (I imitated his eating habits subconsciously) and my mother was overweight. When my mother was a girl she had received constant extremely hurtful comments from her parents about her weight and appearance in general. As a result, she was afraid to mention anything to me and never did so. I really wish she had. I was extremely close to her; I listened to her in everything she said (including when she was deprecating about her own appearance). I really do feel that if she had talked to me lovingly and gently (which she always did; she is an awesome mom!) that it may have made a pretty big impact. We have since discussed this--why she didn't say anything, and what she was thinking at the time. It wasn't like she didn't notice my weight gain--she says that she just didn't want to scar me like she had been scarred and at the same time she also always thought I was beautiful and she didn't want me to think differently.
The thing is, it didn't work out according to her really good intentions. I knew I was fat (the mirror and other kids took care of any kind of innocence on my part), which meant that I still had a lot of body image issues to struggle with later. So even when she said nothing, I still suffered some pretty severe consequences.
Honestly, think about your kid. Think about your relationship with her. Think about serious conversations that you have had with her in the past and how they have gone. My mother and I were incredibly close when I was at that age; we had other really difficult conversations that were extremely constructive. If she had brought my weight and nutrition up, it could have made a difference. On the other hand, if you have a different relationship with your daughter, then something completely different could be true. I do feel that unilaterally saying "don't ever say anything to a teenager about their weight/nutrition/fitness!" is short-sighted: it depends on the parent, the kid, and the relationship between the two.7
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