Loneliness and weight loss.
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cefleischman wrote: »I'm 28-years-old (and will actually be 29 in about a month). I've never been married. I'm on the more emotional end of the personality spectrum, so this does get me down. I know people say "you're so young" when you're in your 20s, but it's difficult when you grow-up in an area (the Midwest, in my case) where the majority of friends my age are engaged or married. I'm hopeful and look forward to experiencing getting married someday though.
I also think this has affected my eating habits. Over the past 1.5 years I believe one of the reasons I gained weight was because I was sad and finding comfort in food... unfortunately. Now I'm trying to get myself on a better path.
You sound just like me. I live in the south, and the pressure for marriage and children is high. But it's not just because I feel pressured, I genuinely desire with my whole heart to get married and have children, always have had that ache since I was a kid. Food has always been my comforter. I'm an emotional being too. I've recently come up with a new phrase with myself. Anytime I want to binge over emotions (sad, stressed, excited, bored, tired, lonely, etc) I tell myself "I am not going to punish myself today for being emotional." Punish meaning stuffing my body with the poison that is ...junk food. I take it one day at a time. It's working for me. Gotta learn to love yourself first, which is what I'm currently learning myself.
It sounds like you're on the right path
. Just wanted to throw this out there, I highly recommend the book: "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single" by Sara Eckel. She had an essay published in The New York Times and her book is one of my favorites! 0 -
I met my husband and fell in love when I was 18...we married 5 years later...22 years after we married I became a widow...you never know what life is going to throw at you...you think that one thing will make you happy and whole but that's not the way it works.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, sweetheart. Just...try to find happiness in life as it is, in the things you can control.1 -
If you're reading this and are married, how old were you when you got married?? I'm 27 and still single, and often wonder if marriage will happen for me. That loneliness causes me to binge eat for comfort sometimes. Can anyone relate??
I married when I was 18 and divorced him by 21. Everybody expected us to get married. It was a huge mistake. My second marriage in mid-life was much happier.
Do volunteer work for an issue you really care about -- it is also a way to find people you genuinely have a lot in common with. That's how I met my second husband (and I was not looking for anyone).0 -
cefleischman wrote: »cefleischman wrote: »I'm 28-years-old (and will actually be 29 in about a month). I've never been married. I'm on the more emotional end of the personality spectrum, so this does get me down. I know people say "you're so young" when you're in your 20s, but it's difficult when you grow-up in an area (the Midwest, in my case) where the majority of friends my age are engaged or married. I'm hopeful and look forward to experiencing getting married someday though.
I also think this has affected my eating habits. Over the past 1.5 years I believe one of the reasons I gained weight was because I was sad and finding comfort in food... unfortunately. Now I'm trying to get myself on a better path.
You sound just like me. I live in the south, and the pressure for marriage and children is high. But it's not just because I feel pressured, I genuinely desire with my whole heart to get married and have children, always have had that ache since I was a kid. Food has always been my comforter. I'm an emotional being too. I've recently come up with a new phrase with myself. Anytime I want to binge over emotions (sad, stressed, excited, bored, tired, lonely, etc) I tell myself "I am not going to punish myself today for being emotional." Punish meaning stuffing my body with the poison that is ...junk food. I take it one day at a time. It's working for me. Gotta learn to love yourself first, which is what I'm currently learning myself.
It sounds like you're on the right path. Just wanted to throw this out there, I highly recommend the book: "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single" by Sara Eckel. She had an essay published in The New York Times and her book is one of my favorites!
I'll definitely need to check that out. Thanks! 0 -
If you're reading this and are married, how old were you when you got married?? I'm 27 and still single, and often wonder if marriage will happen for me. That loneliness causes me to binge eat for comfort sometimes. Can anyone relate??
I married when I was 18 and divorced him by 21. Everybody expected us to get married. It was a huge mistake. My second marriage in mid-life was much happier.
Do volunteer work for an issue you really care about -- it is also a way to find people you genuinely have a lot in common with. That's how I met my second husband (and I was not looking for anyone).
I really need to donate my time to others. Whether I meet a man or not. Thanks 0 -
I met my husband and fell in love when I was 18...we married 5 years later...22 years after we married I became a widow...you never know what life is going to throw at you...you think that one thing will make you happy and whole but that's not the way it works.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, sweetheart. Just...try to find happiness in life as it is, in the things you can control.
Thank you 1 -
I was married at 21, too young really but I was lucky to meet the perfect man and we are still together and still in love and now I'm 40!
That said a lot of my friends who got married around the same time are now divorced and I think that's more often the case.
My mum married young at 20 and was divorced by 24 .... she met another man at 26 and fell in love and they where together until my step dad passed away last year.
I don't think there is a right age, the right age is simply when you meet the right person no matter how old or young that might be.
Please don't pressure yourself, your more likely to settle for the wrong person if you do.1 -
I was married at 21, too young really but I was lucky to meet the perfect man and we are still together and still in love and now I'm 40!
That said a lot of my friends who got married around the same time are now divorced and I think that's more often the case.
My mum married young at 20 and was divorced by 24 .... she met another man at 26 and fell in love and they where together until my step dad passed away last year.
I don't think there is a right age, the right age is simply when you meet the right person no matter how old or young that might be.
Please don't pressure yourself, your more likely to settle for the wrong person if you do.
Aww how sweet that you and your hubby are still in love, going strong. That is what I want and believe I can have. People always say "The honeymoon phase only lasts a year at most, after that you won't like each other and you'll coexist." I only buy that if the marriage was built on the wrong foundation. There are plenty of marriages that are full of love and enjoyment even until old age. People often get married for wrong reasons, so then their marriages tend not to last. That's why I'm waiting for turn right one. I've had to turn down a few men, just because I knew we were unequally yolked, and knew it wouldn't work in the long run.0 -
Hang in there, the right one will come along, and more than likely when you least expect it.
I got married when I was 22... and that we.... wellllll a long long time ago. lol1 -
FitKam90, I completely understand about the cultural pressures... it can be really difficult to sort through all that.
I'll piggyback on my own post from last night. When I said '30 was my roar year', there were a couple of factors at play. I had spent my twenties worrying a lot about finding a partner, staying with so-so partners (who were good guys, but not really great for me) largely because I did not fully appreciate myself. I didn't realllly believe I was worth having what I really wanted. When I was 29, I decided to sign up to ride my bicycle across the U.S. I was not a fit person when I signed up, but I was a cyclist. (I also had the advantage of being a teacher with summers off). I knew I'd never be great at marathoning or anything like that, but I figured, "Hey, I can sit on a bike 8 hours a day".
The ride took 48 days. I was always one of the slower riders in the group. Every day of riding broke me down bit by bit to my very essentials. I felt like I was busting out of all the layers of insecurity, guilt, and shame that had accumulated through my teens and twenties. I cried on the bike more than I'd care to admit. When I finished, I felt like a new person. To be honest, I only lost a pant size so it wasn't just the fitness. It was being surrounded by other adventurers going through their own self discovery (there were 17 of us), and facing daily challenges and overcoming them. I had the clearest vision of who I was and what I was capable of I'd ever had in my life. About a month later, I turned 30. I spent that year doing stuff I never would have attempted previously.
So 30 was my first year of feeling 100% completely happy with who I am, flaws and all. I reached a zen state when it came to dating and finding love because I loved myself enough to know that the right person will be worth the wait.
Anyway, I'm not saying to bike across the US (although it certainly couldn't hurt
), but setting goals for yourself that are just outside of what you currently believe possible and accomplishing them each day (failures included!) will give you that sense of pride and self-love. You are worth the wait and finding someone who will appreciate all the little bits of you will be worth the wait.
One resource I've loved that really matches with this zen state that I love has been reading Mark Manson's blog (he also recently published a book) but the blog is free and has tons of great articles.
Good luck, lady!3 -
I haven't read the replies, but I'm 35, never married (by choice, with no plans for it in the foreseeable future). I know for a fact and from experience that you don't need to be married to be happy/not lonely. You're still young and it may happen for you, but until it does don't you think you would be better off if you work on being happy with yourself first? Any potential future relationship would also benefit from that!2
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I didn't get married until I was 35. I was grateful for the single years prior to that where I was able to do the things I wanted to do - travel, education, etc. After I got married I had 2 kids and I felt much more settled to focus my attention on them because I had the time of freedom and adventure prior to marriage and kids.1
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luckywizard wrote: »FitKam90, I completely understand about the cultural pressures... it can be really difficult to sort through all that.
I'll piggyback on my own post from last night. When I said '30 was my roar year', there were a couple of factors at play. I had spent my twenties worrying a lot about finding a partner, staying with so-so partners (who were good guys, but not really great for me) largely because I did not fully appreciate myself. I didn't realllly believe I was worth having what I really wanted. When I was 29, I decided to sign up to ride my bicycle across the U.S. I was not a fit person when I signed up, but I was a cyclist. (I also had the advantage of being a teacher with summers off). I knew I'd never be great at marathoning or anything like that, but I figured, "Hey, I can sit on a bike 8 hours a day".
The ride took 48 days. I was always one of the slower riders in the group. Every day of riding broke me down bit by bit to my very essentials. I felt like I was busting out of all the layers of insecurity, guilt, and shame that had accumulated through my teens and twenties. I cried on the bike more than I'd care to admit. When I finished, I felt like a new person. To be honest, I only lost a pant size so it wasn't just the fitness. It was being surrounded by other adventurers going through their own self discovery (there were 17 of us), and facing daily challenges and overcoming them. I had the clearest vision of who I was and what I was capable of I'd ever had in my life. About a month later, I turned 30. I spent that year doing stuff I never would have attempted previously.
So 30 was my first year of feeling 100% completely happy with who I am, flaws and all. I reached a zen state when it came to dating and finding love because I loved myself enough to know that the right person will be worth the wait.
Anyway, I'm not saying to bike across the US (although it certainly couldn't hurt ), but setting goals for yourself that are just outside of what you currently believe possible and accomplishing them each day (failures included!) will give you that sense of pride and self-love. You are worth the wait and finding someone who will appreciate all the little bits of you will be worth the wait.
One resource I've loved that really matches with this zen state that I love has been reading Mark Manson's blog (he also recently published a book) but the blog is free and has tons of great articles.
Good luck, lady!
I really enjoyed reading this post. How amazing that you accomplished cycling across the country. You must have felt so exhilarated after finishing. I can't imagine how overwlming the emotions must have been during that time. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness!1 -
luckywizard wrote: »FitKam90, I completely understand about the cultural pressures... it can be really difficult to sort through all that.
I'll piggyback on my own post from last night. When I said '30 was my roar year', there were a couple of factors at play. I had spent my twenties worrying a lot about finding a partner, staying with so-so partners (who were good guys, but not really great for me) largely because I did not fully appreciate myself. I didn't realllly believe I was worth having what I really wanted. When I was 29, I decided to sign up to ride my bicycle across the U.S. I was not a fit person when I signed up, but I was a cyclist. (I also had the advantage of being a teacher with summers off). I knew I'd never be great at marathoning or anything like that, but I figured, "Hey, I can sit on a bike 8 hours a day".
The ride took 48 days. I was always one of the slower riders in the group. Every day of riding broke me down bit by bit to my very essentials. I felt like I was busting out of all the layers of insecurity, guilt, and shame that had accumulated through my teens and twenties. I cried on the bike more than I'd care to admit. When I finished, I felt like a new person. To be honest, I only lost a pant size so it wasn't just the fitness. It was being surrounded by other adventurers going through their own self discovery (there were 17 of us), and facing daily challenges and overcoming them. I had the clearest vision of who I was and what I was capable of I'd ever had in my life. About a month later, I turned 30. I spent that year doing stuff I never would have attempted previously.
So 30 was my first year of feeling 100% completely happy with who I am, flaws and all. I reached a zen state when it came to dating and finding love because I loved myself enough to know that the right person will be worth the wait.
Anyway, I'm not saying to bike across the US (although it certainly couldn't hurt ), but setting goals for yourself that are just outside of what you currently believe possible and accomplishing them each day (failures included!) will give you that sense of pride and self-love. You are worth the wait and finding someone who will appreciate all the little bits of you will be worth the wait.
One resource I've loved that really matches with this zen state that I love has been reading Mark Manson's blog (he also recently published a book) but the blog is free and has tons of great articles.
Good luck, lady!
Also, I love bike riding!1 -
amusedmonkey wrote: »I haven't read the replies, but I'm 35, never married (by choice, with no plans for it in the foreseeable future). I know for a fact and from experience that you don't need to be married to be happy/not lonely. You're still young and it may happen for you, but until it does don't you think you would be better off if you work on being happy with yourself first? Any potential future relationship would also benefit from that!
I totally agree. I'm definitely content as I wait in my singleness, realizing my worth and that I'm better off waiting on the right one. However, even my wisdom isn't enough to keep me close and warm and safe at night. I'm busy during the week. It's only nights and weekends that are tough.0 -
ZhivagosGirl wrote: »I didn't get married until I was 35. I was grateful for the single years prior to that where I was able to do the things I wanted to do - travel, education, etc. After I got married I had 2 kids and I felt much more settled to focus my attention on them because I had the time of freedom and adventure prior to marriage and kids.
Aww that's wonderful!0 -
rundgrenrocks wrote: »It's a great time to get healthy and fit when you are single. You are the only person you need to take care of. It gets more difficult to prioritize yourself once a spouse, kids, and two or more extended families are in the mix.
When I was 26 I decided to work on me. I dieted and exercised and got down to my best shape. I started doing fun things alone, like going to the movies (my last solo movie was "Groundhog Day", so it's been a while!). People started fixing me up with their friends because I looked and felt good, and that's how I met my husband. We married when I was 28 and he was 32, been married 22 years. One of the things he admired about me was my ability to be independent. He was in the Army and wanted to know I would be okay when he had to leave for weeks or months at a time. Some of my friends who married young or never lived alone still have trouble functioning and running a household.
This was beautiful!! I am 23 and am engaged but not rushing into the marriage. I want to finish college and have fun first. I have recently gained a lot of weight when I first went on birth control last year and I have managed to get almost all of it off. But my only problem now is that I am working out with friends and by myself but my fiance does not enjoy to do it and is having issues with his health because of it. I am trying to motivate him to improve as well. He just does not like to be active and I have been seeing him less because before I would not workout to hangout with him. Which is not good. So i have been working out during the week and only seeing him on weekends. Do you have any advice?? I also am afraid that if he does not get motivated it will not workout. I want to be able to have a healthy and positive lifestyle if possible. In the future say a year or two if he doesn't sort this out would it be wrong of me to not go through with it?? I feel very guilty but it is negatively effecting me and i want to have a healthy lifestyle together. I just feel like If I keep supporting him to try better and he doesn't try how long should I keep with it or solely let him work on himself?0 -
But my only problem now is that I am working out with friends and by myself but my fiance does not enjoy to do it and is having issues with his health because of it. I am trying to motivate him to improve as well. He just does not like to be active and I have been seeing him less because before I would not workout to hangout with him. Which is not good. So i have been working out during the week and only seeing him on weekends. Do you have any advice?? I also am afraid that if he does not get motivated it will not workout. I want to be able to have a healthy and positive lifestyle if possible. In the future say a year or two if he doesn't sort this out would it be wrong of me to not go through with it?? I feel very guilty but it is negatively effecting me and i want to have a healthy lifestyle together. I just feel like If I keep supporting him to try better and he doesn't try how long should I keep with it or solely let him work on himself?
I think it's important for successful couples to have their most important values lined up and one challenge is that at that young age, there aren't many who are deeply in tune with their most closely-held values yet. (Some are though, so I'm not knocking you specifically!). For me, it is deeply important to share an active and healthy lifestyle so that we can keep up with our kids and hopefully live long, healthy, fulfilling lives. My husband agrees. This isn't as important to some people, though, so it comes down to your individual values.
I would ask yourself to imagine, ten, twenty years down the line-- what do you imagine yourself doing? What is your relationship like? What is your family like? Then you can assess whether your relationship currently is on track with those goals and if NOT, what can be done about it. You can't enter marriage expecting that your partner will change eventually. The assumption at the start of a relationship should always be that they could very well stay the same as they are RIGHT now. That's not to say you can't try to improve yourselves in ways you care about, but it has to be balanced and you both need to be invested.
You have a lot of important questions to consider during your engagement, but I hope it works out for the best!
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This was beautiful!! I am 23 and am engaged but not rushing into the marriage. I want to finish college and have fun first. I have recently gained a lot of weight when I first went on birth control last year and I have managed to get almost all of it off. But my only problem now is that I am working out with friends and by myself but my fiance does not enjoy to do it and is having issues with his health because of it. I am trying to motivate him to improve as well. He just does not like to be active and I have been seeing him less because before I would not workout to hangout with him. Which is not good. So i have been working out during the week and only seeing him on weekends. Do you have any advice?? I also am afraid that if he does not get motivated it will not workout. I want to be able to have a healthy and positive lifestyle if possible. In the future say a year or two if he doesn't sort this out would it be wrong of me to not go through with it?? I feel very guilty but it is negatively effecting me and i want to have a healthy lifestyle together. I just feel like If I keep supporting him to try better and he doesn't try how long should I keep with it or solely let him work on himself?[/quote]
I agree with everything luckywizard has said. But I will add some thoughts with the benefit of 2+ decades of hindsight. First, you will have to make plenty of compromises as the years go by, so you need to decide your priorities so that you will know what is worth fighting for, and what isn't. You need to determine if he is going to support your fitness, whether he joins you or not (you cannot change him, he has to want to change himself). Think down the road: will he be willing to come home early and watch the baby, or cook a healthy dinner, so you can work out? If you argue or nag each other about it now, trust me it will not get any easier in the marriage.
I'm sorry to say your post raises some red flags. Maybe you already know that. I hope you two can have a really good talk about the future. I'm sure he's a nice guy. But that isn't a good reason to avoid a difficult conversation. Good luck. I don't mean to sound like a know it all. I've done almost everything wrong myself!
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It's really strange that you equate not being married with loneliness. The loneliest people that I know ARE married.
Not being married means that you have every opportunity to learn, travel, try new things and make friends without a spouse limiting your life or holding you back. It sounds like the problem is YOU, not your lack of a marriage partner.
What a strange idea to have in this day and age. There is absolutely no reason why anybody NEEDS to be married.
I am 42 and never married, by choice, though I certainly had lots of opportunities. I feel very little social pressure to get married and hardly ever feel lonely. I hate no trouble dating even when I was very large.2
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