Anyone else receive disapproval from partner? Or have a S/O who believes false information?
Replies
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Ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Another proof that doctors know nothing about nutrition.
Unfortunately, I don't have much advice... IMO it's pretty much a given that you have to change your lifestyle when you try to lose weight, and it often puts a strain on relationships.. especially as men can get away with eating much more than we do without gaining weight... But I'm a foodie too so I can understand the frustration on the other side too (just imagine what it's like for me, lol!).
I'd say, talk to him again and explain that you really want to lose those 10 lbs and eating out too much is just not going to work. Can you show him nutrition information online and what the average TDEE is? Maybe that would help? Without even mentioning CICO... just that the average steak at a restaurant is 1000 calories and that the average calorie burn for a woman is 2000. Even if he thinks that protein doesn't make you gain weight, maybe realizing that there's also a lot of fat in that steak will help... heck, I don't know.
Good luck OP.1 -
It sounds to me like the real issue is the eating out and counting calories while eating out. I get his point. He wants to have a nice night out but it's overshadowed by the calorie counting and the worry and fretting that you're going over on calories.
I felt like the same thing was happening in my life. My husband is supportive but there were so many times we didn't go for ice cream and such because it didn't fit into my calories. I realized that my calorie counting was impacting his life too much AND it was impacting our time together. I've since loosened up on it. We haunt the same restaurants so I know what dishes are low in calories and I get those. We go for ice cream now because life is too short and I'd rather spend quality time with him eating ice cream than telling him I can't eat ice cream. And guess what? It hasn't impacted my weight loss at all.
It'a all about balance. Some days you eat salad, some days you eat tacos.
As for buying into the no carb, fad diet stuff, my husband still thinks of foods as either good or bad. No amount of discussion will change his mind. It was how he grew up. His mom really messed him up when it came to how he views food. I've let it go and let him do him while I do me.7 -
My partner has said things that got to me
He told me all I needed to do to lose was to not eat and run for hours every day " cos babe marathon runners are skinny "
and he called me out on eating a salad at kfc instead of a big daddy burger and fries like him
I ended up telling him that being a 5ft 2 female trying to lose weight instead of a 6ft man trying to gain weight like him means I need less food and calories than him, that I've done my research, know what I'm doing and its not up for debate then shifted on to a topic I knew he enjoyed instead1 -
I am a widow and live alone and please myself now, my decisions, my wish, my opinion........ Me thanking my lucky stars!!!8
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I'm assuming you don't want to break up over a minor issue, and that it really IS a minor issue and not a symptom of a general controlling attitude or disrespect of your opinions and desires.
Sit down when you are both in a good mood and talk it out. Tell him it's important to you that he does NOT comment on your eating or dieting AT ALL. You also need to agree not to talk to him about it. In return, agree to go out to dinner with him once a week on the weekend, and again, don't mention your diet or calories or anything during dinner (when he's not looking checking out the menu beforehand to select the healthiest option you can find and work it into our calories). You can also point out the money saved by not eating out often.0 -
He really needs to be supportive of you and try to help you realize your goals, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Only you can fix you.1
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"it’s not fair to me to be hungry all day to have an unnecessarily calorie laden meal with him"
So how is it fair to him to try to change his lifestyle to fit your new lifestyle?9 -
If my BF gave me hassle about my eating habits I'd more than likely just keep doing what I'm doing and ignore him. I know what I have to do. It's my body. It's the way I like to eat. My BF and i have lived together for 5 years. I cook meals. He eats them. He knows that if he doesn't like what I make he can make his own.
Now. I refuse to let my "diet" and activity influence our eating out, date nights, etc. I'll either play throughout the week and eat less and prepare for a restaurant meal OR I'll get a good workout in. OR I'll just say "kitten it" and eat what I want and get on board the next day.
I've lost 17lbs since July 31st, 2017 and I'm currently 4lbs lower than my goal, so it is possible.
Being where I am, and happy with the weight that I lost, I still have issues with parts of my body where fat is still "around". My BF and I disagree greatly about how to lose fat. He says I need to do sit ups to tighten my stomach, but I have fat still there - and I know that the only way to remove the fat is to cut more. So in the future, that's what I might do. Sit ups WILL tighten the muscle, yes. But with the fat still there, you won't see the muscle...I basically smile and nod and just do what I wish anyway...5 -
My ex and my current bf have acted the same way when I was losing weight. I get the comments "But I like you like this!" "You are sexy, you have curves, don't lose your curves" "Is there someone else you are trying to impress?" I hate it. And then ultimately they end up not being as supportive and I almost feel like I have to hide the fact that I am counting. They realize they are acting crazy and act supportive for a week or two and then the comments come back. I think it's insecurity on their part.
Just do you. Make yourself feel better by losing the weight. If the bf is still there at the end...great. If not... that's great too because you'll be happy with yourself.5 -
I would like to say that my husband has always been supportive of my weight loss but I can't specifically say that. He was supportive while he was deployed, not so much when he got home. And to be honest, I wasn't that supportive of his healthy lifestyle either. I cooked and tried to cook well for us but the exercise part wasn't my greatest standpoint. Working out before work for him wasn't possible because he went to work so early and working out after work wasn't helpful because I wanted him to pick up our son. I'm not one that enjoys working out in the evenings and we had a newborn that was a mama's boy. Long story short, we failed each other. Now, we have made sure that we also maintain our separate identities as far as our hobbies and activities. We are now more supportive of each other than ever and enjoy our lives apart from each other as well as when we are together. We are better for it now than before our separation.9
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My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.2
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My husband has been very supportive of my weight loss, especially since the changes I've been making have been bleeding over to him and he's losing weight too! That said, navigating eating out was a BIG part of my getting into a deficit in the first place, and continues to be an area I work to balance. We are both foodies and barflies, and I did not want that to stop, just become less frequent. That's meant making compromises, in particular accepting a significantly slower rate of loss than I might otherwise have managed, but that's been worth it to me.
I'm not sure the best way to resolve your situation, since you really seem to have at least two issues wrapped up in each other: finding that lifestyle balance and his lack of support for your efforts. I hope you can find a happy middle ground.2 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
and you are with this guy why???10 -
I'm lucky. My husband thinks I'm too thin, but he absolutely supports my right to choose how I eat and exercise. Because I run, I have a lot of leeway in my diet, so my choices don't impact him that much. We still get ice cream, just not every day. We still get pizza, but not every week. We still drink beer, but only occasionally. Since he is overweight, but maintaining at that weight, he is not feeling deprived. Limiting our restaurant meals means we have more money to travel, which we both enjoy. I try not to let my running get in the way of time together, though it does sometimes. But he understands the fact that I get pleasure from running long races and training for them, and he wants me to be happy, so he puts up with the Sundays I disappear all afternoon.2
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icecreamlovermfp wrote: »It’s not worth it to me to eat steak that’s infused with butter unnecessarily or potatoes that are roasted in oil when I can make the same thing at home. I cook for us (and I cook well) but he genuinely enjoys dinners out and “foodie” activities regularly. I understand I can work around it in my calorie count, but it’s not fair to me to be hungry all day to have an unnecessarily calorie laden meal with him.
Essentially he doesn’t believe in CICO and thinks I’m changing our lifestyle (eating out, going to bars, wine tastings etc frequently) for no reason. To him, he’s frustrated because it’s like I’m saying gibberish to him. I showed him MFP, I showed him things online about CICO and he just denies it.
I hate his strain on our relationship and really want to go back to my comfortable weight without starving all day to accompany him for dinner. How did you get your partner to come around?
This last part confuses me. Why must you give up eating out, going to bars, wine tastings, etc. when you know how CI<CO works. Surely every place you go out to eat doesn't have a menu of only butter infused steaks and potatoes cooked in oil. Just order something you like that fits your calories. You don't have to starve all day, just don't overeat when you go out.
If going to all these places is what you normally do and now you don't want to, you are changing your lifestyle. It's not just him saying that. It's not just him putting strain on the marriage.
I would suggest sitting down and talking about this rationally. You want to make some changes. He doesn't. Compromise is needed.7 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
Red flags all over the place on this one. There are some serious control issues here that have nothing to do with your weight. I'd suggest marriage counseling immediately.13 -
I find the relationship dynamics, especially those of self-interested spouses (seemingly mostly husbands) to be very interesting. Broad strokes, I think that sort of behavior signals some other aspects at play (perhaps distrust, jealousy, maybe some manifestation of guilt). I've have always taken the approach that spouses should be supportive of one another to help foster the other's best self. In a way, I think that's what the OP's husband is trying to convey, just doing so within the rigid confines of what he feels is correct and what he demands their shared lifestyle to entail.
Ultimately, I think this is a difficult topic to navigate for any couple, especially if there's the added element of distrust or suspicion attached to the other's perception of what's driving the desired change. My wife and I have our philosophical differences about health and nutrition but have come to a place of balance and agreement. She only likes running (watching her attempt a push-up is hilarious), refuses to log calories or weigh herself, and will begrudgingly use our food scale to weigh meat for dinners, only at my urging. It even took months of convincing for her to track her running mileage and progress with a GPS app (while I am a data fiend with an eight-tab spreadsheet for weight and workout tracking).
More often I get push-back and/or disapproval from other family members or friends. I will commonly get "you'll just look scrawny if you lose any more weight" if I mention trying to drop fat around one of my bro-tastic (and paunchy) friends. My mom frequently and needlessly mentions how skinny my wife and I are, yet refuses to take any of the advice I try to instill about CICO, portion sizing, or creating a deficit with nutrition rather than exercise. My in-laws both lost a ton of weight on a physician-supervised shake program, and promptly gained weight back when they went back to their old eating habits, much to their confusion. Though they wrote off my advice when I said that only consuming 800-1000 liquid calories/day wasn't sustainable. My vegetarian-bordering-on-vegan sister-in-law is dumbfounded by the amount of protein I consume (at least 1g/lb BW) and comes up just short of condescending when discussing food sourcing, ingredient profiles, or most non-vegan food sources.
However, this is an arena, like so many others in society, where there's a superfluous and erroneous push to have right/wrong dynamics, which often only serves to muddy the water and diverts us away from primary goals, both individually and collectively, whatever that may be. Seems like every third thread gets hijacked into a raging debate about something, whether it's CICO, food ingredient quality, artificial sweeteners, macro distribution, veggie/veganism, paleo, or, my favorite, whether or not your count vacuuming and sex as exercise calories. Don't let an insistence on being right and/or proving someone else wrong get in the way of being better collectively or individually.
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smithmssycatsmithiris30 wrote: »I am a widow and live alone and please myself now, my decisions, my wish, my opinion........ Me thanking my lucky stars!!!
You are happy to be a widow?4 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
To be honest, based only on this one little piece of information, it doesn't sound like you should either.7
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