Anyone else receive disapproval from partner? Or have a S/O who believes false information?
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My ex and my current bf have acted the same way when I was losing weight. I get the comments "But I like you like this!" "You are sexy, you have curves, don't lose your curves" "Is there someone else you are trying to impress?" I hate it. And then ultimately they end up not being as supportive and I almost feel like I have to hide the fact that I am counting. They realize they are acting crazy and act supportive for a week or two and then the comments come back. I think it's insecurity on their part.
Just do you. Make yourself feel better by losing the weight. If the bf is still there at the end...great. If not... that's great too because you'll be happy with yourself.5 -
I would like to say that my husband has always been supportive of my weight loss but I can't specifically say that. He was supportive while he was deployed, not so much when he got home. And to be honest, I wasn't that supportive of his healthy lifestyle either. I cooked and tried to cook well for us but the exercise part wasn't my greatest standpoint. Working out before work for him wasn't possible because he went to work so early and working out after work wasn't helpful because I wanted him to pick up our son. I'm not one that enjoys working out in the evenings and we had a newborn that was a mama's boy. Long story short, we failed each other. Now, we have made sure that we also maintain our separate identities as far as our hobbies and activities. We are now more supportive of each other than ever and enjoy our lives apart from each other as well as when we are together. We are better for it now than before our separation.9
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My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.2
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My husband has been very supportive of my weight loss, especially since the changes I've been making have been bleeding over to him and he's losing weight too! That said, navigating eating out was a BIG part of my getting into a deficit in the first place, and continues to be an area I work to balance. We are both foodies and barflies, and I did not want that to stop, just become less frequent. That's meant making compromises, in particular accepting a significantly slower rate of loss than I might otherwise have managed, but that's been worth it to me.
I'm not sure the best way to resolve your situation, since you really seem to have at least two issues wrapped up in each other: finding that lifestyle balance and his lack of support for your efforts. I hope you can find a happy middle ground.2 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
and you are with this guy why???10 -
I'm lucky. My husband thinks I'm too thin, but he absolutely supports my right to choose how I eat and exercise. Because I run, I have a lot of leeway in my diet, so my choices don't impact him that much. We still get ice cream, just not every day. We still get pizza, but not every week. We still drink beer, but only occasionally. Since he is overweight, but maintaining at that weight, he is not feeling deprived. Limiting our restaurant meals means we have more money to travel, which we both enjoy. I try not to let my running get in the way of time together, though it does sometimes. But he understands the fact that I get pleasure from running long races and training for them, and he wants me to be happy, so he puts up with the Sundays I disappear all afternoon.2
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icecreamlovermfp wrote: »It’s not worth it to me to eat steak that’s infused with butter unnecessarily or potatoes that are roasted in oil when I can make the same thing at home. I cook for us (and I cook well) but he genuinely enjoys dinners out and “foodie” activities regularly. I understand I can work around it in my calorie count, but it’s not fair to me to be hungry all day to have an unnecessarily calorie laden meal with him.
Essentially he doesn’t believe in CICO and thinks I’m changing our lifestyle (eating out, going to bars, wine tastings etc frequently) for no reason. To him, he’s frustrated because it’s like I’m saying gibberish to him. I showed him MFP, I showed him things online about CICO and he just denies it.
I hate his strain on our relationship and really want to go back to my comfortable weight without starving all day to accompany him for dinner. How did you get your partner to come around?
This last part confuses me. Why must you give up eating out, going to bars, wine tastings, etc. when you know how CI<CO works. Surely every place you go out to eat doesn't have a menu of only butter infused steaks and potatoes cooked in oil. Just order something you like that fits your calories. You don't have to starve all day, just don't overeat when you go out.
If going to all these places is what you normally do and now you don't want to, you are changing your lifestyle. It's not just him saying that. It's not just him putting strain on the marriage.
I would suggest sitting down and talking about this rationally. You want to make some changes. He doesn't. Compromise is needed.7 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
Red flags all over the place on this one. There are some serious control issues here that have nothing to do with your weight. I'd suggest marriage counseling immediately.13 -
I find the relationship dynamics, especially those of self-interested spouses (seemingly mostly husbands) to be very interesting. Broad strokes, I think that sort of behavior signals some other aspects at play (perhaps distrust, jealousy, maybe some manifestation of guilt). I've have always taken the approach that spouses should be supportive of one another to help foster the other's best self. In a way, I think that's what the OP's husband is trying to convey, just doing so within the rigid confines of what he feels is correct and what he demands their shared lifestyle to entail.
Ultimately, I think this is a difficult topic to navigate for any couple, especially if there's the added element of distrust or suspicion attached to the other's perception of what's driving the desired change. My wife and I have our philosophical differences about health and nutrition but have come to a place of balance and agreement. She only likes running (watching her attempt a push-up is hilarious), refuses to log calories or weigh herself, and will begrudgingly use our food scale to weigh meat for dinners, only at my urging. It even took months of convincing for her to track her running mileage and progress with a GPS app (while I am a data fiend with an eight-tab spreadsheet for weight and workout tracking).
More often I get push-back and/or disapproval from other family members or friends. I will commonly get "you'll just look scrawny if you lose any more weight" if I mention trying to drop fat around one of my bro-tastic (and paunchy) friends. My mom frequently and needlessly mentions how skinny my wife and I are, yet refuses to take any of the advice I try to instill about CICO, portion sizing, or creating a deficit with nutrition rather than exercise. My in-laws both lost a ton of weight on a physician-supervised shake program, and promptly gained weight back when they went back to their old eating habits, much to their confusion. Though they wrote off my advice when I said that only consuming 800-1000 liquid calories/day wasn't sustainable. My vegetarian-bordering-on-vegan sister-in-law is dumbfounded by the amount of protein I consume (at least 1g/lb BW) and comes up just short of condescending when discussing food sourcing, ingredient profiles, or most non-vegan food sources.
However, this is an arena, like so many others in society, where there's a superfluous and erroneous push to have right/wrong dynamics, which often only serves to muddy the water and diverts us away from primary goals, both individually and collectively, whatever that may be. Seems like every third thread gets hijacked into a raging debate about something, whether it's CICO, food ingredient quality, artificial sweeteners, macro distribution, veggie/veganism, paleo, or, my favorite, whether or not your count vacuuming and sex as exercise calories. Don't let an insistence on being right and/or proving someone else wrong get in the way of being better collectively or individually.
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smithmssycatsmithiris30 wrote: »I am a widow and live alone and please myself now, my decisions, my wish, my opinion........ Me thanking my lucky stars!!!
You are happy to be a widow?
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BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
To be honest, based only on this one little piece of information, it doesn't sound like you should either.7 -
When people use a term like CICO, they are usually talking about their understanding of what it means, rather than what CICO actually is. There's a danger in that. The calories in is pretty simple, the gateway is your mouth and the amount is measured in whatever you ingest.
The Calories Out is where things can get a little complicated. There is more than one way out - expended as energy in one of the body's many metabolic processes, or out the chute on the other end of the tube wrapped around your digestive tract that is your body.
How many calories end up in your poop is dependent upon a large range of factors, but it'll be whatever you didn't actually digest or absorb. Your gut microbiome plays a role in this, in addition the types of food you eat.
Most people, when they talk about CICO are usually referring to whatever the max possible calories are for food ingested, then whatever metabolic estimate they can come up with for calories out in terms of a resting rate and approximations for any exercise done.
It's a pretty good system and it'll guaranteed results when applied properly.
However, there are other ways to go about managing intake, weight, and etc. Long story short: CICO the way it's commonly understood works, but CICO means more than most people think it means and there are other ways to think about weight management.
As for your relationship, whenever two people disagree with their methods that are affecting each other, it's a pretty common type of friction/conflict. You may be looking for a resolution to that conflict, but perhaps what you should be looking for are coping mechanisms to continue having a relationship even when there is friction. Learn to order lower calorie meals in restaurants, for example, or switch to lower alcohol drinks and nurse them a little longer. That is, if you want to smooth over the difficulties. Communication can really help you navigate the disagreement, possibly where you can both settle on a compromise.
I've been the 'other' partner before that disagreed with the way my partner wanted to diet (too restrictive, short term results oriented). Part of the difficulty between us was that she didn't just want me to tolerate her method but she wanted me to agree with and support her ideas, which I did not and would not pretend to. I told her that was the fundamental issue - I didn't need her to agree with me, but that she needed me to agree with her. This led to an uneasy peace in which we side stepped the issue whenever possible, but that peace fell apart when her ideas started to backfire.
I think it's more important to build a stronger relationship than anything else (in the case of non-husband, maybe build a stronger relationship with somebody else). If that's not possible then you know where your relationship is stuck and it only goes downhill from there.2 -
Relationship dynamics aside, the fact that your husband is an MD does not add any weight to his "opinion". While this study is from 2008, there has not actually been too much change in the industry regarding the education MD's receive regarding diet and nutrition. However, because he is an MD, he might deal better with facts and science. Make an appointment with a Registered Dietitian. After reviewing your actual goals and making a plan, include your husband in the discussion. This is not your husbands area of speciality, I'm guessing, so just as he would consult with a specialist depending on a patient's medical needs, let him consult with an specialist in this industry. Note, I said Registered Dietitian, not a nutritionist.2
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Copied over from another thread because it might help you out:
There are ways to eat out healthily. The phrases that will _really_ help you out:
"No Butter"
"On the side."
"Substitute for sauteed spinach."
"Hold the cheese."
"What are my calorie friendly options?"
A nice six ounce sirloin with two vegetable options minus the butter will only clock in around 500 calories or so.
AVOID THE BREAD. Or at least stop yourself
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In response to everyone, we have been to counseling and the counselor wanted a one on one with me and told me that what I needed to do was to get as far away from my husband as I could. As you can imagine, I wasn't allowed to go back to see him anymore. I did leave him once and my sister made sure he was always around and told me that I should just get over it and go back to him because, " no man would ever love me except him.". I understand that it's not a healthy relationship but, I have been with him since I was a teenager, 17 years. I've never known any other life besides him. It can be hard when it seems like everyone close to you thinks your being crazy. They don't hear the things he says to me or the way he treats me because, with other people he doesn't do that stuff. He's really sweet and helpful and it's strange how he can be like two totally different people. I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't have said anything about it to begin with.5
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My husband believes "food combining" is a factor in a healthy diet. And that you shouldn't drink water during meals. And a lot of weird 1960s stuff he got from his dad.0
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BobbieSparks2 wrote: »In response to everyone, we have been to counseling and the counselor wanted a one on one with me and told me that what I needed to do was to get as far away from my husband as I could. As you can imagine, I wasn't allowed to go back to see him anymore. I did leave him once and my sister made sure he was always around and told me that I should just get over it and go back to him because, " no man would ever love me except him.". I understand that it's not a healthy relationship but, I have been with him since I was a teenager, 17 years. I've never known any other life besides him. It can be hard when it seems like everyone close to you thinks your being crazy. They don't hear the things he says to me or the way he treats me because, with other people he doesn't do that stuff. He's really sweet and helpful and it's strange how he can be like two totally different people. I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't have said anything about it to begin with.
Maybe not here, but you should say something about it. You should say a lot about it.9 -
My simple input would be to sit down with him and tell him what you are feeling. If he cares, he will listen. Doesn't mean he will like it! BUT! if he cares, he will let you say your peace.
Easy Compromise: Date night one night a week to wherever you guys want and eat what you want! Rest of the week, focus on you goals.
As a married woman I can tell you this: A spouse who shows some support will be one of the biggest motivations in your life.
Also an idea: Involve him! "Hey babe, I wanna try what you had mentioned. Can you help me meal plan this week?"0 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »In response to everyone, we have been to counseling and the counselor wanted a one on one with me and told me that what I needed to do was to get as far away from my husband as I could. As you can imagine, I wasn't allowed to go back to see him anymore. I did leave him once and my sister made sure he was always around and told me that I should just get over it and go back to him because, " no man would ever love me except him.". I understand that it's not a healthy relationship but, I have been with him since I was a teenager, 17 years. I've never known any other life besides him. It can be hard when it seems like everyone close to you thinks your being crazy. They don't hear the things he says to me or the way he treats me because, with other people he doesn't do that stuff. He's really sweet and helpful and it's strange how he can be like two totally different people. I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't have said anything about it to begin with.
Honestly? GTFO now while you still can. Life without him will be so amazing you have no idea. You don't NEED any man to love you. You don't need a man at all. Love yourself, and someone will come along who isn't an abusive jerk. I've been there, done that. Had my mum drive 20 hours to come get me so I could take my pets with me. Luckily for me, she was supportive of my decision. Your sister might not support you, but everyone here will, so you can always come visit the forums if you need someone to tell you that you made the right decision.
And to the OP - if you want to stay married, you could always find restaurant meals that are lower in calories. Most places serve salads and plain fish dishes with veggies on the side. Then you get what you want, and he gets what he wants.14 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »In response to everyone, we have been to counseling and the counselor wanted a one on one with me and told me that what I needed to do was to get as far away from my husband as I could. As you can imagine, I wasn't allowed to go back to see him anymore. I did leave him once and my sister made sure he was always around and told me that I should just get over it and go back to him because, " no man would ever love me except him.". I understand that it's not a healthy relationship but, I have been with him since I was a teenager, 17 years. I've never known any other life besides him. It can be hard when it seems like everyone close to you thinks your being crazy. They don't hear the things he says to me or the way he treats me because, with other people he doesn't do that stuff. He's really sweet and helpful and it's strange how he can be like two totally different people. I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't have said anything about it to begin with.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can find support if and when you decide you need it. And of course the opinion of one person on the internet who doesn't know you is nothing, but I firmly believe that your sister is completely wrong.7 -
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Girls who lift are very sexy, just my opinion from a mans point of view.9
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Copied over from another thread because it might help you out:
There are ways to eat out healthily. The phrases that will _really_ help you out:
"No Butter"
"On the side."
"Substitute for sauteed spinach."
"Hold the cheese."
"What are my calorie friendly options?"
A nice six ounce sirloin with two vegetable options minus the butter will only clock in around 500 calories or so.
AVOID THE BREAD. Or at least stop yourself
Another addition to this list, which others have mentioned but I find worth repeating, is "could I get a bag for the rest?" Also, "we'll split it." My husband was really resistant to splitting meals until I reminded him that we can always order more food if we're still hungry. Maybe even dessert! It turns out that we've both gotten really used to the idea that you don't have to eat a giant plate of whatever to be satisfied, and we actually don't end up with room for desert much either. And if I'm not splitting, I try to see if there's something on the menu I'd enjoy as leftovers. That 1000 calorie steak mentioned above would make at least two great meals!3 -
This thread makes me so sad. I'm going to go hug my husband now and thank him for not being one of these people. My heart goes out to you all including the men with unsupportive wives. I'm sure they're here too.12
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My husband is the 'bro' type and comments here and there about my eating habits. I do CICO, and only focus on protein as far as macros go. If I EVER complain about my weight loss he'll be happy to remind me that the Hot Cheetos I ate the night before (ya know, the little bit that I weighed and counted for like a crazy person) probably are the reason. It used to be worse until I told him he was getting on my very last nerve. However, I never made it to where it was difficult for us to have an occasional night out. I can have my (whatever fits) meal and he can still eat whatever bro stuff he wants.
Is he doing it out of love for you, or simply because he's a douche?0 -
I'm not happy because my husband is dead but I am happy to be alone and there was never a snowflake in hells chance of my ever sharing my life with anyone else!Need2Exerc1se wrote: »smithmssycatsmithiris30 wrote: »I am a widow and live alone and please myself now, my decisions, my wish, my opinion........ Me thanking my lucky stars!!!
You are happy to be a widow?
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ladyhusker39 wrote: »This thread makes me so sad. I'm going to go hug my husband now and thank him for not being one of these people. My heart goes out to you all including the men with unsupportive wives. I'm sure they're here too.
I know, right? I don't know that I'd even say my husband was supportive of my weight loss. But he was certainly not unsupportive. It was my thing and he tolerated it like he does all my things he doesn't care about, and as I do his.
He did encourage me to stop weighing my food. Not because it bothered him but because he could see how much it bothered me.
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blankenshipterry77 wrote: »Girls who lift are very sexy, just my opinion from a mans point of view.
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Get rid! You have only one life. Chose how you want to live it.BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
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This isn't directed at the OP or anyone else, but just in case anyone needs it.
If you are unsure you are in an abusive relationship, or you would like help getting out of one, here is the website for the national domestic abuse hotline.
http://www.thehotline.org/16
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